The programs she mentioned this morning. The same ones that Eli and I spoke about all those years ago. Eli fulfilled the promises we made in a way I wasn’t able to once my brothers and I were driven out of Sabine Valley. It’s a strange sort of relief to realize that the people have benefited even if I wasn’t here to see it. The only ones who bore scars from that coup are me and my brothers. And, I’m now beginning to understand, Eli.
Some would say it’s a small price to pay, that the benefit of the faction outweighs any pain we experienced.
I can’t quite argue that they’re wrong.
“Harlow,” I finally say. “If I told you to simply forgive Eli for all the shit he’s pulled in the last five years, for all the times he’s pushed you back to safety instead of letting you stand on your own, you’d shove those words right back down my throat.”
She opens her mouth, seems to reconsider, and finally sighs. “Probably. I still care about him, but that doesn’t change the fact things are complicated.”
“Things are complicated with me and Eli, too. I talked to him. I’ll think about it. That’s all I’ve got right now.”
She looks like she wants to keep arguing but finally nods. “I guess that’s fair.”
“So kind of you to realize it.” I take her hand and pull her to her feet. “Let’s go find something to eat and go to bed.”
“Abel, it’s like six.”
“Yeah, I know.” I tug her against me and slide my free hand down her spine to cup her ass. “I haven’t had you naked in twelve hours. I’m going through withdrawals.”
“You poor thing.” She slides her hand up my chest and loops her arms around my neck. Harlow goes up onto her toes and presses her body against mine. “If you’re that deprived, I suppose we could have a little appetizer before dinner.”
“How thoughtful of you.”
“Mm-hmm.” She brushes her lips against mine, and then she’s sliding down my body until she perches on her knees. I hold still as she undoes my jeans and pushes them down enough to free my cock. She gives me a slow smile, and then she’s sucking my cock down, my length disappearing between her red lips as the wet warmth of her mouth encloses me.
In this moment, I can admit what I really want. Harlow as a full partner. Eli as a full partner. The three of us together in a carefully balanced trio that is all the stronger for the fact that it’s not particularly traditional. From a purely analytical point of view, our strengths balance one another’s perfectly. My brutality to Eli’s twisty brain to Harlow’s moral center. We could bring this faction to new heights.
We will do it.
Together.
28
Eli
It’s been so long since I felt guilty that I barely recognize the sinking sensation in my chest as I move soundlessly through the passageways to the meeting place. All I can think about is Harlow’s plea for me to work with Abel instead of against him, of how fucking much of a relief it was to finally air the truth between us.
Abel might be different than the man I grew up with, but I was wrong before—he’s not his father. He hasn’t lost his soul. If there’s even a sliver of the man I used to know, we might have a chance to build the future we always dreamed.
But if I’m wrong, the people of this faction will pay the price.
I press my ear to the door, listening closely. It’s late enough that most people aren’t wandering the halls, and even if they are, they have no reason to be in the north wing. It was previously used by staff that we kept here, but it’s been empty since the Paines took over. Still, it pays to be cautious.
Silence greets me.
I wait another thirty seconds, but when I hear nothing concerning, I flip the latch that sends the door swinging soundlessly open. I step into the dark room and ease the door shut behind me. Nothing moves except me, which is how it should be, but I can’t shake the feeling of being watched as I pad across the room and slip out the door and onto the balcony.
We’re close to the wall here. Too far to jump, but I can still look down over the wall and to the street below. All is silent and still, but the feeling of being watched only intensifies.
If Abel found me here, it would shatter what little trust we’ve managed to build up between us.
Fuck, what am I doing?
Harlow is right. If I’m really intent on putting the faction first, then that means working with what we have instead of trying to wrest control away. I won’t be able to take the faction back without killing Abel and all six of his brothers, and that’s too steep a price, no matter how ruthless I’ve been in the past.
I turn for the door, but a shadow breaks away from the corner of the balcony, morphing into the familiar features of Marie. Even in the relative darkness, I can see the circles beneath her eyes. I glance at the door and shift closer, speaking barely above a whisper. “Disband the people. Call the whole thing off.”
She jerks as if I’ve struck her. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am.”
Marie leans forward. “I don’t care what he’s threatened you with; we’ll see it through. You just have to hold out a little longer.”
Something like true fear coats my tongue. I move before I can think twice about it, shoving her against the wall. I lean down until our faces are even. “Listen closely, Marie, because I will not repeat myself. If you move against Abel without my permission, I will cut down you and every single person you bring with you. I will not spare you, and I will not show mercy.”
“You really are serious,” she breathes.
“Deadly so.”
“But…”
I step back and drop my arm. “I did not ask for or need your input. The safety of the faction is what matters, and this is the best way to ensure it. You will do nothing to endanger that.”
For a moment, I think she’ll argue with me, but she finally nods and drops her gaze. “Yes, sir.”
“It’s over, Marie. It’s time for you to move on now. Let your people know.” A bitter pill to swallow, but even if this works out with Abel, he won’t trust any of my people at his back. Nor should he. All it takes is one misguided person to think that shooting him will be enough to put things back to how they were before. It’s too big a risk to let them close.
Disbanding them means failing them in a way, but Harlow is right—the stability of the faction as a whole is greater than any one person or small group. All of my people are capable. They’ll land on their feet.
They’ll just do it without me as their leader.
“Yes, sir,” she repeats. Her tone is off, no doubt because she’s fucking furious with me, but she’ll get over it eventually. Or she won’t. Either way, I have bigger things to focus on now.
“Don’t come back to the compound.” I turn and walk through the doors and off the balcony.
I stop short, peering into the darkness. The feeling of being watched is so intense, I spend a good five minutes staring at the shadows and waiting for someone to reveal themself. But there’s no one there. The room is empty, and I’m being paranoid. I shake my head and move to the door in the wall.
Fewer than ten minutes later, I’m back in my room.
I take a quick shower, but it does nothing to settle me. Ever since Harlow basically moved out, this room has felt like it’s missing something vital. Someone vital. After last night, that sensation has only grown. I can barely look at the bed without remembering everything we did there. The sex, yes, but also the heady comfort of sleeping with Harlow and Abel. Something outside of the realm of possibility until last night.
I want it again.
I don’t want to wait.
Despite the late hour, I pull on a pair of lounge pants and head down the hallway to Harlow’s room. After the briefest debate with myself, I open the door without knocking. The room is dark, but she left the curtains open, allowing moonlight to spill into the space. It highlights Abel’s large form at her back, his arm carelessly wrapped around her, holding her to his chest. T
he sheet is tangled around their hips, leaving both their torsos bare.
Longing nearly takes me to my knees.
I’d hoped they’d be awake, but I can hardly crawl into bed with them while they’re both asleep. And the idea of waking them feels like shattering a perfectly rendered piece of art. No matter how bitter the idea of returning to my bed alone is, it’s still the right choice.
I’ve been selfish enough for several lifetimes when it comes to these two. The least I can do is leave them in peace for tonight. I turn for the door.
“Eli.” Harlow’s soft voice stops me short.
I should leave. I’ve already done what I told myself I wouldn’t; there’s no reason to make it worse.
But I can’t make myself walk away from Harlow. Or Abel, for that matter.
I turn and pad to the bed. She lifts a hand, and I let her take mine and tug me down to the mattress. It really isn’t big enough for three people, but Abel’s pressed against the wall, and there’s a little space for me to stretch out next to Harlow.
There was a time early in our relationship when we were still so giddy and drunk on love that we would stay up most nights and lie just like this, sharing secrets in the intimacy of the dark. It’s how she told me about her father and what she’d done to be free of him. It’s where I confessed the truth of the night of the coup. Big secrets and smaller ones, too. Like how I’d always wanted a sibling but had seen the Paine brothers as stand-ins for those roles. How she loved kids but wasn’t sure she wanted them for herself.
She runs her fingers over my knuckles. “Hey.”
“Hey.” This moment feels as fragile as a soap bubble. One wrong move will send us hurtling back to the space we were in during Lammas and immediately after. Hurt so intense, it feels like hate. Poisoned words and bitter actions.
I glance over her shoulder at Abel, but he’s still relaxed in sleep. I don’t believe it for a second, but I also appreciate him giving us the illusion of privacy. I lift our intertwined hands and kiss her wrist “I have something to say, if you’ll hear it.”
“Asking my permission now?”
I barely fight down a grimace. “Occasionally, I’m a slow learner.” I hesitate, but she finally nods in the shadows. An indication to continue. “I’m starting to realize how thoroughly I’ve fucked up when it comes to you.”
“Yes.” The word is so soft, it’s barely an exhale. “But I think we can agree it’s a mutual fuckup.”
She’s giving me an out, but I want this verbalized between us. Five years of doing what I thought was right and ignoring all signs to the contrary. “I don’t know when I stopped listening to you. You’ve just gone through so much, survived so much, that I wanted to provide you with a safe haven.” She tenses, but I keep going. “But that was my goal, not yours. I realize that now. You never wanted safety.”
“There is no safety in this world, Eli.” She squeezes my hand. “Not really.”
“Yeah, I get that now.” I close my eyes for a moment. “I know apologizing isn’t enough, but I’m sorry, Harlow. I could see how bad things were getting, but I thought if I just held you closer, if I just did all the old things that used to work, it would all figure itself out. I didn’t realize I was suffocating you.”
She exhales, long and slow. “I should have tried harder to talk to you.”
“I don’t know if it would have made a difference. I had a narrative in my head.” It’s humbling as fuck to realize how intensely I messed things up between us. A truth that it had taken Abel less than an hour to divine. “I meant what I said yesterday. I still love you. I’m not ready to let this go.”
She’s so still, I’m not sure she’s breathing. “You told Abel the truth.”
I glance over her shoulder, but he hasn’t moved. Yeah, there’s no way he’s sleeping right now. I give a wry smile. “Yeah, though I don’t know what difference it makes.”
“It makes a difference.” She reaches out a tentative hand and feathers her fingers over my jaw. “This is going to be messy, Eli. No matter what else is true, that is.”
“Seems to me that the payoff is worth the mess.” Guilt feels like an almost physical thing in my chest and throat. “It took him an hour to realize what I’d spent five years intentionally not seeing. Even now, part of me wants to protect you. I know you’re capable, Harlow. I’ve always known that. But my instinct is always going to be to step between you and harm.”
She gives a sad little laugh. “I’m starting to realize that’s a quirk of yours that doesn’t only apply to me.”
No, it doesn’t. There’s a reason I let so few people close to me. “That doesn’t make it right.”
“No, it doesn’t.” She strokes her hand down my neck and presses it against my chest over my heart. “Maybe we were always missing something, Eli. Maybe we were always missing him.”
“I have no right to expect his forgiveness. Or yours.”
“Maybe not.” I can hear the smile in her voice even if I can’t see her face clearly. “But the decision to forgive isn’t about whether or not you deserve it or expect it. Either way, it takes time. We… Eli, we have time. We have an entire year to figure out if we can make it work.” She presses her hand more firmly against my chest. “Will you promise to try?”
As if there’s any question of it. “Yes.”
“So will I.” Harlow lifts her voice. “And you, Abel? I know you’re awake.”
He gives a dry chuckle. “I was giving you privacy for your chat.”
“Well, you’re involved in this, too.” She keeps her hand on my chest and shifts over a little until she’s on her back. Abel moves to accommodate her and props his head on his hand. Harlow reaches up with her free hand and presses it to his chest, too. “Will you try?”
“You already know what I’m offering.”
She tenses. “I’m not talking about you and me, and you know it. Will you try with Eli?”
I find myself holding my breath. With everything between us, I have no right to expect this. Fuck, as recently as this morning, I was planning to do whatever it took to take Abel down. Just because I’ve decided to cling to hope doesn’t mean he feels the same.
I can’t blame him if he doesn’t feel the same.
“Yes.” The simple word lands like a bomb in this bed. “I’ll give him the same deal I gave you, Harlow. Full partnership, open discussion over any changes I have planned for the faction. And at the end of the year, if you want to stay, Eli…”
I barely register that he’s saying when he reaches over Harlow and hooks the back of my neck, jerking me to him so he can claim my mouth. “If you tell me want to stay, you better be damn sure that’s what you want, because I’m playing for keeps.”
Holy fuck, this is happening.
It’s really happening.
29
Harlow
It’s not in my nature to trust. If something seems too good to be true, it undoubtedly is. The three of us in a real relationship… That feels the very essence of fantasy. We’re too messy, too fractured as individuals. One of us will fuck it up.
But not tonight.
And maybe not tomorrow.
Maybe we’ll have just enough time to sink into the possibility of us before it’s ripped away.
As I lay between Abel and Eli, their breathing low and even in the darkness, I don’t know how to battle the thought of what the future brings. I want this. I want this so bad, I have to fight not cling to these men until they have bruises of my fingerprints in their skin. At the same time, I know that giving myself over to this is simply a faster route to heartbreak.
We will fuck it up. How can we not when we’re all still so new to the idea of happiness?
My breathing is coming too fast, too harsh. I think I might be panicking. The hysterical thought rolls through my head that I won’t have to wait for my heart to break because I’m having a heart attack right now. Surely that’s what’s causing this horrible pain in my chest, the tightness that I can’t in
hale around. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
I start to sit up, the need to move overpowering thought and reason, but both men tighten their arms around me. Abel shifts closer and props his chin on the top of my head, a strange sort of anchor, while Eli moves until his face is pressed to my neck, his breath a warm and steady exhale against my skin.
They anchor me, but it’s not enough.
Here, in the dark, it’s horrifyingly easy to spill my fears onto them. “We’ll fuck this up.”
“We’ll stumble.” I feel Abel’s words against my back as much as I hear them.
I can’t twist to look at him, not with them effectively pinning me between them, but it wouldn’t matter anyway. I can’t see him. “That’s what I said.”
“Stumbling is not failing.”
Eli presses a kiss to my throat. “We won’t fail, Harlow. Not now that we’ve decided on this path.”
If I could draw a full breath, I might scream at them for being so calm, so collected right now. “One day ago, you were ready to literally kill each other. That kind of hate doesn’t just go away.”
“Neither does the friendship we had for twenty-eight years.” Eli shifts down and presses another kiss to my upper chest. “Like Abel said, there will be stumbles. We’re human, and we’re bound to fuck up. The stumbles matter less than how we deal with them.”
Abel strokes his hand down my side to squeeze my hip. “Don’t shoot us in the knee before we’re even out of the gate, sweetheart. Give us a chance to prove that this is possible.”
Their calm, the weight of them against me, the feel of their skin sliding against mine… It starts to slow the frantically spinning thoughts in my head. The tightness in my chest doesn’t entirely abate, but the urge to scream fades a little. “I’m afraid.”
Afraid that I already care too much. It doesn’t matter if this falls apart in a week, a month, a year. Or if it falls apart in ten minutes. I’ve loved Eli for years, and there’s no denying that I’ve gone and fallen for Abel. There is no way I leave this situation intact.
Abel: A Sabine Valley Novel Page 20