Searching for Always

by Jennifer Probst

  Arilyn parted the Chinese painted screens that blocked off her meditation center. The scratch of paws on the floor echoed in the air, and she braced herself as the two piles of fluff threw themselves at her, wiggling and slurping at her in ecstasy. It had taken a while to get them past whimpering and crying behind the screens. Dogs had no sense of time, and to Lenny and Mike, it was hours that she had isolated herself from them in a maddening game. They heard her breathing but couldn't get to her. Now, thank goodness, they slept behind the screen as close as possible and waited for her to come back.

  She laughed and gave them snuggles, refilled their water bowl, and began making a cup of ginger tea. Piling fresh berries in a ceramic bowl, she added organic granola and Greek yogurt. Today was going to be great. She'd focus better, be more balanced, and complete the multitude of tasks needed. The big bachelorette party for Kate was coming up fast, and she needed her strength. Kennedy was scaring the hell out of her about the strippers. Or exotic male dancers, as she corrected. She was insistent on hiring a cop to arrest Kate, but Arilyn hoped she went with her suggestion and got a fireman instead.

  She couldn't take any more sexy cops.

  Arilyn gobbled the rest of her breakfast and made a plan of attack for the day. She meditated, ingested protein and antioxidants, and owned a clean, pure aura. For good measure, she grabbed some crystals from her meditation corner. Definitely some turquoise to advance healing, communication skills, and prana, the essential life energy. She'd tackle the anger management course with tranquillity. No more losing her temper over Stone's sarcastic comments or deep drawls or confident male grins.

  Arilyn washed the bowl and spoon, dried her hands, and grabbed her purse.

  The doorbell rang.

  She frowned. What now? She peeked out the window, then held back a groan. No. Not now. But she had no other choice, so she pasted on a smile and opened the door.

  Mrs. Blackfire stood on the porch. Her new next-door neighbor, dubbed the Wicked Witch of Verily by Genevieve, and the Spawn of the Devil by Kate, glared from behind her thick-framed glasses. She was a short, petite woman but made up for it in crankiness. Gray tufts of hair sprouted from her head. Her face was a road map of wrinkles that couldn't have been laugh lines. She wore a faded pink housedress with snaps down the front, support stockings that sagged around her ankles, and thick-soled old-lady shoes. She held on to a walker in her brown-spotted hands, but Arilyn suspected she didn't need it and only used it for a prop or weapon.

  Genevieve and Kate had warned her before she moved in about their problem neighbor. Seems she counted the wine bottles in their recycling bins, used a telescope to spy on people in the neighborhood, and had been previously kicked out of visiting the Best Friends Senior Home for calling the food inspector in to check out the Jell-O. She despised animals, including Kate's beautiful dog, Robert. And now she stood on her doorstep when Arilyn was already running late.

  "Mrs. Blackfire," she greeted politely. "How are you? It's a lovely fall day, don't you think?"

  "Not when you have to rake up all the leaves," her neighbor spat out. "I wanted to talk to you about your property."

  She held back a sigh. "Well, you'd need to speak with Genevieve, since I only rent. Is there a problem?"

  "Besides that tree ready to fall on my house?" Her bony finger jabbed at the towering pine tree in the front lawn leaning gently to the right. Genevieve called it the Tree of Spite, since they'd gone to the mats regarding its condition and right to stay.

  "Gen said it was a healthy tree," she said. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do."

  Suddenly, her lemon face smoothed out. Her lips curved a bit upward. Was that an attempt at a smile? "I have an idea," Mrs. Blackfire said quite nicely. "My landscaping service is coming, and they'll be happy to trim it. No charge, of course. I just need your permission."

  Warning bells clanged in her ear. She glanced at her watch, knowing she had to leave now. "Well, if it's just a trim, I'm sure Gen won't mind."

  Her neighbor smiled. Arilyn almost fell back at the flash of straight white, fake teeth. She'd never seen her smile before. Arilyn wondered why her tummy clenched and her skin prickled with danger. Unfortunately, she had no time to decipher why Mrs. Blackfire was that happy over a tree trim.

  "I'm sure she'll be surprised at the finished product," Mrs. Blackfire said. "Now, you look like you're in a hurry, dear. I'll see you later."

  Dear?

  The bells clanged louder, but she'd run out of time. Arilyn watched her neighbor disappear down the path with her walker, grabbed her keys, and hopped in the car. No reason to worry, she reminded herself. If a trim made her back off, it was for the best. She'd call Gen later and let her know.

  Arilyn sped off down the road. She'd spend a few hours at Kinnections, hit anger management, then conference with Anthony about the dog. She'd already sent the photos over and hoped it would be enough to gain some help.

  Her cell pinged on her Bluetooth. Poppy? Arilyn hurriedly pushed the button. "Hello?"

  "Arilyn! Thank God you answered. Can you hear me? Hello?"

  "Poppy, it's me. Yes, I can hear you. Are you on a cell?"

  "I borrowed Emma's when she was getting pudding."

  "Are you okay?"

  "Bastards! They said I can't leave. I told Ralph I'd meet him on Main Street in the billiards room for a beer, but they said it's too far for me to walk and they won't put me in a cab without your permission. So then I told them I was walking to your house to take care of the dogs, but now they don't believe me and said they were going to call you to confirm. I won't let them keep me a prisoner. I'm sneaking out. Doing the Great Escape. But I'll do the window instead of dig a trench."

  "It's ten a.m.! You can't drink a beer and play pool this early."

  "Bah. It's close to lunchtime. Besides, Ray likes when I help him set up for the day."

  "Did you check your insulin level today?"

  "Yes, I'm good. Ray keeps a close eye on me, I swear."

  She squeezed her eyes shut and recalculated her agenda. It was hard to get used to letting others know when he wanted to do something, especially with restrictions. She'd been hoping the trips and packed daily calendar would help, but Poppy was stubborn about what he liked and didn't. Shoot. "No sneaking out," she said firmly. "You'll get in trouble. Give me twenty minutes and I'll pick you up. You can spend the afternoon with Ray, and I'll pick you up after my class and we'll do dinner. No pipe smoking. I mean it, Poppy. Ellen from the center said you were sneaking it in the janitor's closet and almost set off the smoke alarm."

  "Big tattletale. She needs a man in her life under seventy."

  Arilyn held back a laugh. "She's just doing her job."

  "I guess. Thanks, sweetheart. I knew you'd understand. You're the only one who ever did."

  Her chest tightened. "I always will, Poppy. See you in a few."

  She disconnected the call. Okay, she'd get Poppy, hit Kinnections, go to anger management, then go back to pick him up.

  No problem.

  The morning flew by, and Kate promised to go walk Lenny and Mike at lunchtime. By the time she got to anger management, her morning meditation had become watered down and she lost her temper twice.

  Both times with him, of course.

  She went over specific techniques to gauge various emotional triggers. Luther and Eli offered honest responses, shared some of their journal writing, and seemed to get a bit closer in their achievement of controlling anger.

  Stone took four phone calls during class, citing work, and shared his own creative cartoon he drew in place of journaling.

  She was thrilled until she saw it. It consisted of a series of drawings with a criminal running from a cop, turning around, and trying to shoot said officer. Then it showed the officer pausing in the chase, taking a long, deep breath, and chanting "Om." The final picture showed the cop dead, the criminal free, and a big balloon over the heading Can Breathing Stop Anger or a Criminal?

  She'd
gotten so angry she made him do endless rounds of Salutation to the Sun and told him he needed to stay another fifteen minutes after class because he had mocked the journaling exercise. His smug grin told her his goal of annoying the hell out of her was working well. She was a teacher who succumbed to anger in an anger management class. If she didn't calm down, she'd eventually lose Luther's and Eli's confidence.

  After making him hop on one foot for a long time in the goal of balance, Arilyn checked her watch. Darn. She was late picking Poppy up, and he'd already been at Ray's way too long.

  "That's enough, Officer," she said, grabbing her satchel. "I'll see you tomorrow at Kinnections for our one-on-one evaluation."

  Sweat gleamed on his brow. He wore his usual outfit of jeans, old sneakers, and a worn T-shirt. Today he sported a navy blue NYPD shirt that stretched over a mass of indecent muscles and hard abs. Swaggering off the mat, refusing to show any weakness, though Arilyn knew she'd worked him hard today, he perched his ball cap back on his head and smirked. From under the hat, strands of silky black hair stuck to his forehead. She wondered briefly what his hair would feel like under her fingers. That delicious scent of sweat, soap, and man swarmed around her. How could she be even the tiniest bit attracted to someone who made her nuts?

  "Better watch out." His hot gaze swept over her body. "All this keeping me after school will make me think you got a crush on me."

  Damned if her belly didn't slide down to her toes at that probing stare, but she crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave a humph. "Yeah, it's a real funfest with you, Officer."

  He laughed then, a deep, dark sound that caressed her ears. "G'night, Arilyn."

  She ignored him, turning around and racing out the door. His laugh followed her out. Damn him. Every time she tried to take him down a notch, he found a way to twist it around to his benefit. Completely maddening. Her feet flew over the pavement, hoping Ray had checked Poppy's insulin and didn't sneak him any tobacco. She finally reached her Fusion, grabbed for the door handle, and stopped short.

  Her front windshield was shattered.

  Damn. Damn, damn, damn.

  A rock had hit it a week ago and caused a tiny hole, but she hadn't had time to call the insurance company to get it fixed. So stupid. No way she could drive with the spiderweb of glass blocking her view. A slight buzz of panic hit, along with the now-familiar pang of anger at having her careful plans screwed up. Why now? Wasn't she doing the right thing by helping out Poppy? Did everything have to go consistently wrong on a regular basis?

  She had the urge to kick the tire, so she did what she'd just taught her students. Dragged in a breath. Let it out slowly. Did it again.

  Her heartbeat slowed and her mind cleared. Good, back in control. She'd walk to the billiards room. It was a long walk but doable, and a crisp fall afternoon. Of course, she'd be super late and hoped Poppy wouldn't worry.

  Run. She'd run. Good exercise, and it'd cut her time in half.

  She quickly stripped off her long-sleeved T-shirt until only a tight black Lycra top molded her small breasts. Catching her long hair and twisting it up in a hair band, she secured it to the top of her head, then turned.

  "If I had known I'd miss out on a free striptease, I would've gotten here sooner."

  She jumped back. "You scared me! What are you doing here?"

  Officer Petty took a long, measured glance at her windshield. "Doing my civic duty and responding to a call. Vandalism?"

  Arilyn took a casual step backward. In class, she was able to keep reminding herself of the distance between them. Here on the street, having him invading her personal space was a bit disturbing. Already she had to tip her head back just to look at him, and she was pretty tall. "Sorry, no crime to uncover here. Just a rock that hit last week and I never got it fixed."

  He studied her face. To assess if she was lying? His sharp observation skills fascinated her. When under his stare, a woman felt stripped to the bone, and a tiny flare of vulnerability caught her off guard. What would it be like to be Officer Petty's lover? Did he bring that fierce brutality to the bedroom and all that intense observation to give his lover pleasure?

  The memory of her ex-boyfriend's face as he pounded into another woman's body made her wince and want to rub her eyes. Another bleachable moment in her life. Would she always be thinking of him and his betrayal? Had he ruined her for future relationships and sex by not only breaking her heart but also her trust? And why the hell was she thinking of this stuff in the middle of the road with her windshield cracked and a man she didn't like screwing with her head?

  His voice softened, as if he'd spotted something in those few moments of her weakness. "Hmm, driving with a shattered windshield is a crime."

  "Yeah, and wouldn't that break your heart to ticket me," she shot back. "No worries, Officer. I'll get my car towed. I have to go."

  "Where are you going?"

  "Is that your business?"

  He arched a brow. "Besides helping tow your car, I can offer you a ride. You seem to be in a hurry."

  Arilyn hesitated. Her pride begged her to decline and run away with her head held high. Somehow, she had an instinct it would end up being a favor he'd want to cash in. She didn't want to owe him a thing. But Poppy had been waiting awhile, and he was more important. Besides, she could handle Stone.

  Her mind said his first name with a breathy sigh and a shiver.

  God, maybe Kennedy was right and she just needed plain, good old-fashioned sex. Her hormones were beginning to do a number on her.

  "Thank you," she said stiffly. "I need to go to Ray's Billiards."

  "Interesting choice. My chariot awaits."

  He escorted her to his souped-up, overpowering muscle car. She might hate it, but it was hard not to smile at his obvious adoration for the vehicle. He actually stroked the steering wheel as he pulled out. Those long, tapered fingers were extra large but seemed tender. Would he treat a woman with a combination of roughness and care? Somehow, the idea of him being gentle shattered her composure.

  Oh, my goodness. What was she thinking?

  Arilyn cleared her throat and dove into a neutral topic. "Did you always want to become a cop?"

  He eased the car out to the main road. "Seemed like a good way to stop the criminals. No one else was doing anything about it."

  "Did you grow up in a rough neighborhood?"

  "The average Bronx apartment in Woodlawn."

  "What was it like?"

  He shot her another glance. "Poking around in my head again?"

  "Just making conversation. You don't have to answer if it's too painful."

  He laughed, deep and long, and Arilyn studied his profile. Carved from granite, the roughness of his features pieced together a simple brutality that warned her this man could be dangerous. "I may be a disappointment to you, little one. I hide no secrets, and made peace with my crap a long time ago."

  The distracted endearment made her tummy free fall. Maybe it was the dark, sensual melody of his voice as he said it. He'd called her that once before over the summer when they first met, and she had never forgotten it. It was so . . . intimate. Her body sprung to life, surprising her with its sudden demand for his lips over hers. Odd. She rarely had a reaction to men on such a primal, physical scale. Her poetry professor from NYU. The artist from that watercolor class she took. Her yoga teacher. And now Stone Petty.

  All had ended badly. But at least she had liked the others.

  If her past was any indication of luck, she'd better pass right over Stone Petty. Arilyn refocused on their conversation. "Most people have a difficult time accepting the truth of the past and who they are."

  "I learned it's much easier to deal with facts and truth than with pretty lies and denials," he said. "Tell you what. I'll give you the short version of my bio and you do the same."

  A warning bell clanged in her head. "I'll be sifting through your past during our individual sessions anyway."

  "Thought this was a conversation," he
shot back. "What's the matter? Too above the rest of us to share?"

  "I'm not above anyone," she said calmly. "I don't think it's necessary."

  "I do. Tell you what. I'll keep it simple. Just answer one question from me, and I'll give you all my dirty laundry. Fair?"

  The idea was tempting, but she squirmed in her seat. "This is stupid, we don't have to make a deal. Let's just keep our relationship strictly to the anger management classes and how they pertain to your treatment."

  "Chicken? I bet you're so used to having everyone open up, no one ever demands the same of you. When was the last time anyone asked you questions about your past? About who you are? About what you want?"

  He murmured the last question, and the heat in his seething gaze made her press hard against the door. Her heart thundered in her chest, making it difficult to take a cleansing breath. A strange surge of emotion rocked her normal calm and seeped out. "You don't know anything about me or my needs," she hissed out. "I have no trouble opening up."

  "Good, then it's a deal. I'll give you the short version. Grew up in a tough Irish neighborhood where boys ended up being cops or firemen. I got jumped at the school bus when I was seven and put in the hospital. My father told me it would teach me a lesson to be either tougher or faster. I made sure I was both, and my training intensified when he began beating the crap out of me and my mother with a baseball bat. I learned how to steal, how to hide in the parks, how to survive, but I never got to save my mother. She died from a nasty fall deemed an accident. I left and dedicated myself to catching bad guys and working out my past karma with my asshole father. Thoughts?"

  His speech was thorough and honest, and it broke her heart. Because beyond all that analysis was a little boy who'd never forgiven himself for not being enough. Her intrigue deepened when she realized how much more lurked beneath the surface.

  What really freaked her out was how she suddenly wanted to find out.

  "You nailed your anger issues and current occupation choice," she finally answered. "And though my heart breaks for the little boy you were, I've heard a bunch of horror stories that ended up far worse than yours. But it's not your mother you're still mourning, is it?"

  His fingers clenched around the wheel. A dangerous cloud settled over him, holding a tinge of violence Arilyn bet would always be a part of who he was. "What are you talking about?"