Searching for Always

by Jennifer Probst

  And in that moment, something broke inside Stone's chest.

  A gooey mess of junk poured out, making his damn eyes sting and a tightness squeeze his heart. Damned if that wasn't a sight to see. The two survivors, together, happy, and safe. A rush of emotion fought for dominance. He engaged in the fight of his life to keep it together.

  "Cool. Guess they hooked up."

  Arilyn jumped into his arms and hugged him tight. "I knew you could do it," she whispered. The warning in his head bolted to the danger zone, but she felt so good in his arms, so warm and solid and real, he ignored the flashing red lights for a while.

  "No, you did it."

  Patrick gave a booming laugh. "You both did it. Now sit your butts down and let's test out this Thug Kitchen recipe. They're a bit badass, so this may work."

  Grinning like idiots, they sat at the table and ate.

  And things were good.

  Hours later, temporarily sated, holding her naked body close, Stone surrendered to his need for more. Once again, in the dark, in the quiet, it was safe. Morning would arrive soon enough, and he'd bury himself in work, gain a bit of distance. "Tell me about your mom."

  She snuggled against him, as comfortably as Pinky did with Robert, and spoke. "Mom was amazing. Full of spit and vinegar, as Poppy would say. She did everything bigger than life--whether it be partying, eating, drinking, smoking, having fun. She liked the extremes. She wanted a bunch more children, but then they diagnosed her with the cancer, and she battled it for a year." Arilyn dragged in a breath. Stone stroked her hair, waiting. "In the end, I watched her die a little bit more every day. The cancer ate her alive until there was nothing left of the mother I knew. Dad couldn't handle it. He'd always been in her shadow and adored her more than the average husband. He kind of doted on her. After she passed, he lost something--the drive to go on. I thought I'd be enough, but I wasn't. Poppy was the one who found him. Swallowed pills. Left me a good-bye note."

  Stone squeezed her tighter, the horror of losing both parents so quickly washing over him. "I'm sorry, little one. I can't even imagine how you got through it."

  "I didn't for a while. Poppy thought he'd lose me, too. I guess I could've decided to go off the deep end or turn my life around. I chose the latter. A friend got me to go to a stress management workshop that incorporated yoga techniques. At the end, some of the poison I'd kept inside began to release. That's when I knew I had to commit to a different path. I thought if I worked on myself really hard, I'd find a way not to just survive but to live. The deeper I got, the more I loved it. Yoga and meditation and the karmic path felt right for me. Like I finally found a place of peace." She gave a half laugh empty of humor. "Sorry for the drama. I know you didn't have a picnic for a past either."

  "Stop. Don't apologize for something real, something that made you fight. You know how many people I see day after day that just disintegrate--either with drugs or some other vice to kill the pain? You took the hard way. You're stronger than most men I know."

  She relaxed a bit in his hold. "Poppy helped. That's why I want to be here for him. I told him I'd find another place and he could live with me, but he insisted he wants to stay at the center."

  "He seems to be settling better. I think as long as he can go to Ray's for pool and see you regularly, he'll be okay."

  "Me, too. I can't believe he's a bit sweet on Mrs. Blackfire. You know he mentioned Thanksgiving to her? Wants the three of us to be together. Who would've thought I'd be serving tofu turkey to the Wicked Witch of Verily?"

  He chuckled. "Miracles happen. Since dating you, I haven't eaten a Big Mac."

  "Thank God." She ruffled his hair and grinned. "What do you usually do for the holiday?"

  He shrugged. "Work. Give the other guys with families a chance to be home."

  "Well, it's an open invite to come here. Even after your shift, I'll keep your tofu hot."

  The sudden realization they were now talking holidays after a cozy meal with her grandfather and neighbor hit him hard. Panic stirred. What was he doing? Things were moving way too fast; he needed to slow everything down. For God's sake, he now had a dog, had promised to fix Mrs. Blackfire's driveway, and had become well-known at the senior center. What was happening to him?

  He grimaced. "Tofu will never touch my mouth. You'll need to up your game."

  Her green eyes sparkled with mischief. "Consider it upped." With one graceful movement, she rolled over to straddle him. Strawberry hair tumbling down her shoulders, hard peach nipples peeking through the strands, she arched, cupping her breasts, and he was hard again and ready to go. "How's this?"

  He had no spit but managed to mutter, "If I'm stuck with tofu, you better give me more."

  She dropped her voice to a husky, naughty growl. "Oh, I intend to."

  Lowering her head, she dropped kisses over his chest, moving down his body, until she cupped his throbbing erection in her soft hands and began to work him. Stone gritted his teeth and hung on. Her mouth opened over him, sucking him deep, her tongue running up and down the front and sides with an expert precision that almost made him weep like a girl.

  After endless minutes of sweet torture, she pushed him to the edge, until he exploded in her mouth, his hips jerking as the brutal release of his orgasm crashed through him, pulling him deep into the pit. The last conscious thought echoing over and over in his head as he came was:

  Mine.

  Then he didn't think anymore.

  nineteen

  STONE SAT IN the squad car. Fingers gripping the wheel, he stared at the door leading to the station and tried desperately not to panic.

  "I can't do this. I've got a pile of paperwork that'll ground me in there all day, plus a double shift. You may have won over Devine, but those guys in there are hard-core, mean-ass brutes who'll eat you alive. And me. I'd have to transfer, and I just got used to Verily. I'm not fucking doing this."

  No answer.

  "Just because you don't piss me off in the car doesn't mean you can handle the station. And no, you can't stay with Robert, because you're getting way too attached to him. We need to learn to survive on our own. Not be needy for happiness or shit like that. We need to distance ourselves from both of them. Right?"

  Still nothing. He glanced in the mirror.

  She sat in her usual position in the backseat, body trembling with excitement. The damn rat fink now held Devine in the palm of her dainty paw, but she'd never make it with the others. His partner now admitted her coolness and even started sneaking her treats. Ridiculous.

  Pinky and Robert had grown so close over the past few days that it was like watching the beginning of a love relationship in first bloom. They cuddled, lay on each other, shared food from one bowl, and played. How Pinky went from being catatonic and terrified of other animals to a charming hussy, he had no clue. But when she pulled the same shit and tried to block the door this morning, whimpering in disappointment at his departure for work, he decided not to rely on Arilyn and Robert and to bring her with him instead.

  He was an ass.

  "Fine. Let's get this over with. Not a word. And be cool. Do you understand me?"

  He got out of the car, picked her up, and walked inside. After today, he might need to transfer. He'd need to make sure the guys understood it was a temporary situation and he was doing this to get laid. It was the only way to preserve his dignity.

  Muttering a greeting to Jessica, the dispatcher, he pushed his way toward his desk, which was a mess of candy bar wrappers, stacks of paperwork, and the empty pack of Marlboros he still needed to smell on occasion. He hung his jacket over the back of his chair and placed Pinky down by the desk. He wished Devine were there to back him up, but he was coming in late from a dentist appointment.

  "Stay quiet," he ordered. "You're so small, maybe no one will notice you. Got it?"

  Pinky seemed to nod. She circled twice, then plopped down on the floor, looking content.

  "What the hell is that?"

  The booming v
oice came out of nowhere. Stone clenched his jaw and turned to meet Chief Dick. He pointed at Pinky, an expression of horror on his face. Yeah. This was not good.

  "Uh, a dog, sir."

  "I know it's a damn dog, Petty. What is the thing doing at your desk?"

  Of course, his booming voice brought the crew over to investigate. Dunn and McCoy appeared, eyes bugging out as they stared, then burst into laughter. Why the hell were they there? He figured they'd be off duty by now.

  "It's wearing a pink sweater!"

  "Are those diamonds on its collar?"

  "Why does it look like a rat?"

  "It's the Taco Bell dog, but not."

  Pinky raised her head, sensing the attention. Her little body began to shake as if she sensed she was being bullied.

  "Cut the shit," Stone bellowed. "You're scaring her." His boss and coworkers stared at him as if he'd announced he was going to begin dancing at Lucky Cheng's. "Listen up. I'm dogsitting, her name is Pinky, and she's been through a lot of shit, so give her a break. Some jerks used her for bait, so she was torn up and abused. If you want to be a bunch of assholes, go ahead, but don't do it near her or me. She won't bother anyone, and if she acts up, I'll take her home. Okay?"

  He waited for the jibes, jokes, and general insults. Instead, Chief Dick rolled his eyes. "Whatever. One bark and she's outta here." He dropped more papers on the desk. "Get to work."

  "Yes, sir."

  Dunn and McCoy snickered. "Did you go shopping for her, Petty? Going metrosexual on us, dude?"

  He gritted his teeth and took it like a man. "Why don't you go and sew a drag queen outfit, Make It Work Dunn?"

  "Asshole. Hey, I saw you at the gym the other day. Was gonna have you spot me, but you were walking into some stretching class. What's up with that, Petty? You lose your balls, too?"

  "You wish. I took the boxing class beforehand and left my water bottle. But you could use a few stretches, Timmy boy. Maybe bust out something better than missionary position for the ladies."

  McCoy groaned in approval. Dunn gave him the finger and stalked off.

  McCoy shook his head. "Rookie's gonna freak. He hates dogs." A glimmer lit his eyes. "Hey, can we put Rat Fink on his desk for when he comes in? That'll be a hoot."

  Stone shrugged. "Sure, why the hell not."

  McCoy wandered off, excited to make someone else's life a bit miserable, and Stone let out his breath. He glanced down at Pinky and winked. "We're good for now. Take a load off."

  She collapsed back on the floor with a big doggy sigh and went to sleep.

  IT WAS THE LAST day of anger management.

  She was proud of what they had all accomplished together. One of her favorite things about the classes was getting to know people on such an intimate basis. The barriers were stripped; everyone got real and realized they weren't alone. Luther and Eli had blossomed over the session, and she felt that they would approach life differently. She had really helped.

  Arilyn looked around the firehouse. Strange emotions pumped through her, and she took a moment to reconnect with her center.

  Six weeks and her life had changed. Six weeks since Officer Stone Petty had trudged through the doors with a scowl and stole her heart. He challenged her, pushed her, surprised her, angered her, and gave her everything she'd always wanted from a man. But she'd learned a valuable lesson from Jacob. One had to be willing and present within the relationship or it was doomed. Already she sensed Stone backing away over the past few days, trying to find his lost footing.

  She sensed he loved her. It was in his touch, the way he gazed at her, the way he buried himself deep in her body with satisfaction and tenderness. But if he fought his emotions and refused to believe they could have something permanent, she may need to make a hard decision.

  Stone Petty showed her she deserved better.

  Five years with Jacob had trained her to accept and be grateful for any crumbs. No more. She was whole, and good, and had a ton of love to give to someone. She wanted a man brave enough to leap with her and not blame his limitations on his inability to love or commit.

  Arilyn sighed and paced the empty space. He'd changed over the past few days. Kennedy would have said he got spooked. He cited work to explain his sudden distance, defensively telling her that he needed to do double shifts for a while. His calls were brief and to the point. Already her body and heart ached for him, but he needed to find his way back to her on his own. If he even wanted to come back.

  She was done chasing a man who didn't want her one hundred percent.

  Stone had been right. She wasn't cut out for a one-night stand or short affair. She craved . . . everything.

  There was one final counseling session to complete. Arilyn knew it would be her greatest challenge. She needed to approach the session as a therapist, not his lover. He held one final secret, and if he didn't admit and accept it, the wound would fester. She had sensed it from the beginning, but it hadn't been the right time to push.

  Now it was.

  A heavy sadness pressed upon her. She could lose him before they even had a fair shot. But it wasn't up to her anymore. The only thing she had left was to offer the truth. She loved him. He could fight it, accept it, or leave. Either way, she had to try, because that was her karma and path.

  Arilyn dragged in a breath and got ready for class.

  "HAVE I EVER TOLD you my fantasy? You're the star in that video by Van Halen, 'Hot for Teacher.' Short skirt, librarian glasses, hair pinned up."

  She lifted a brow. "Wasn't she also half-naked and draped over a car?"

  "No, that was a Whitesnake video. But that's a great visual. You on the hood of my Pontiac. I may never recover."

  She decided to hold their final session at Kinnections. Stone sat across from her in the purple chair. Today he sported a charcoal Verily Police long-sleeved tee, jeans, and a Ray's Billiards ball cap perched sideways. One ankle was hooked over his knee. The chair barely held his big, muscled length, giving him that extra bolt of masculine roughness that always turned her on. He was looking deliciously scruffy and casual, and her fingers curled with the urge to touch him. She'd prepped herself for some snarky comments during the last class, but he'd been quiet, even slapping Luther and Eli on the shoulder and fist bumping in that male bonding tradition. They'd walked out together as usual and scheduled their last official counseling session for the books the next day. But things were a bit strained. When she told him Kate was picking up Robert in the morning, he used the excuse of meeting the guys at the billiards place later, then picking up another shift.

  Oh, yeah. He was completely spooked.

  Arilyn cleared her throat, looked down at her notes from the last session, and tried to get back to business. "I've never done this," she offered. "Counseled my lover. But I promise not to cross the line during the next hour if you do the same."

  "I know another way we can spend this session," he growled. "And clothes are optional."

  "Stone."

  "Sorry." He slouched in the chair, looking resigned. "I'll be good. Pick away."

  She took a few breaths, recentered, and began. "Let's talk about the incident that caused you to transfer. Another domestic abuse case."

  His muscles stiffened. He began picking at a cuticle, a sure sign he was trying to distance himself. "Yep. Same type of thing. Asshole was beating up his wife. Things got out of control. My gun went off."

  Her sweaty hand clutched the pen, but her voice remained serene. She'd read through the description many times. Combined with his past and his record, Arilyn had a good idea he was hiding something. It was her job to poke the sore so it could bleed clean and heal. "Can you take me through all the details, please? You responded to the call with your partner."

  His tone was flat as he recited from his mental list of canned answers. "We got the call. My partner and I arrived at the home. Heard screams from a child and a woman. Male shouts. A verbal threat he intended to kill her. We busted in the door and found the perp punching the
woman at the bottom of the stairs. She was trying to crawl up to get away. My partner ran to get the child out of the line of immediate danger."

  "And then what happened?"

  He refused to look up. "Perp turned toward me and lurched forward. Went to reach in his pocket to pull out what looked like a weapon. I shot first."

  Her throat tightened. She waited a moment to gather her thoughts. "But you didn't kill him."

  "No, it was a shoulder shot. Internal affairs investigated and found me clean, with a validated threat to warrant the shot. Partner backed me up."

  "Then why did you really transfer?"

  He lifted his gaze. Dark eyes filled with ice stared back at her. "Because after I shot him, I lost it. My temper. My sanity. I beat the shit out of him and couldn't stop until my partner pulled me off. I was deemed volatile, so they suggested I go to a less intense territory. I picked Verily and here I am. Good enough?"

  No. Oh, he'd been truthful. Stone didn't lie, but his omissions were the key. She wanted to go to him as his lover, press her head against his chest, and tell him it was okay. But Arilyn stayed frozen in the chair, knowing she had to finish what she had started and keep her role neutral. It was the only way.

  "Why do you think that particular incident incited such rage?"

  He let out an aggravated breath. "Oh, let's see. Maybe because I watched my father beat the hell out of my mother? I watched a similar situation unfold and reacted. Come on. It's textbook. You can do better than that."

  "Yes, I can." She studied him, and the way he held himself stiff, as if warding off an attack. "I agree with your theory. It is textbook, and you've admitted it, tried to fix your limitations, and move on. I admire you for that, Stone. But there's something you haven't told me yet. Haven't told anyone, I think."

  He glared. "Look, I gave you everything I got. If that's not enough blood for you to play with, excuse me while I go tap another vein."

  "Who else were you trying to protect when your father pushed your mother down the stairs?"

  He jerked as if she'd shot him. Raw, ugly emotions crossed over his features, dragging him to a dark place Arilyn knew she couldn't follow him. She could only try to get him back.

  "No one."

  "I don't believe you."