Small Doses

by Amanda Seales

A first date is NOT at someone’s residence.

  Boundaries, folks. I don’t know you like that to be all up in my apt meeting my cat or to be all up in your apt with you trying to get “the cat.”

  A first date is planned in advance.

  There are exceptions, of course, but typically, spontaneity is earned. Planning shows that you’re not only respectful of my time, but that you actually give enough of a damn to think this through.

  A first date is not about sex.

  Now listen, if by the end of this encounter you’ve been so swooned by their smile, impeccable manners, and vast knowledge of ’90s cartoon theme songs (Darkwing Duck was a classic!) that lust is a must, DO YOU! But, setting out on the auspice of objectifying/being objectified isn’t the best jump-off point for connection.

  Dating is about doing. It ain’t just nice words and emojis. It’s about demonstrating, through action, that you are interested in learning the contents of someone’s character . . . and doing some dope shit in the process.

  THE SIXTH MAN

  Don’t approach anyone with the full court press if you aren’t really trying to get to the goal. Because there’s gonna be defense, there’s gonna be screens, man-to-man or zones, who knows?! But if you ain’t really trying to drive to the basket, please just stay on the bench.

  PEOPLE ARE PLANETS

  Ok, let’s get geek life about this. There are various social generalities to dealing with people, but especially when you’re dealing with a person on a one-on-one basis in a romantic space, I consider everyone to be an individual. To that end, I look at people as planets. (Told you: SCIENCE!) Ya see, each planet has its own climate, core, and history, just like people. In understanding that, you realize how much of a feat it is for two people to truly come together. Regardless of the gravitational pull of two people, their “planets” must have compatible climates/cores/histories to be able to find and retain a stable orbit.

  • The Climate: Someone’s patterns and ways of dealing with life. Are they prone to storms? Are they cold? Are they temperate? Are they dry?

  • The Core: Someone’s value system and foundation. Are they solid like granite? Are they flaky like limestone? Are they nurturing and giving like minerals?

  • The History: The way someone’s experiences have shaped them into who they are. Are they eroded after years of bumping into other planets that were not compatible? Are they soft sand beneath hardened volcanic rock that formed in order to protect? Are they fields of green that rejuvenate when watered by their own atmosphere system?

  No matter how someone’s planet is designed, just like with our home, Earth, you study the climate and you can predict how it will function. You look into its core and you can see what properties it’s made of. Lastly, when you dig deep enough you can see all the phases we’ve gone through in history to get to where we are now. If you’re lucky enough, someone will trust you to explore their planet and will want to do the same with yours. However, unlike we have done with the Earth, make sure that they only take what they can replace. Be clear that your orbit can end any time they attempt to keep you from getting the light your planet needs to thrive.

  AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY . . .

  When you meet someone and you start seeing them and you start feeling them and they’re feeling you and it’s fun and laughs and jokes and quality time, you may not realize it, but you’re building a world made for you and them. A space given life by what you both breathe into it. A wavelength for you to ride while you discover each other’s energy. Ride it. Swim in it. Revel in it. Don’t be afraid to live in that pocket of joy and stop worrying about whether or not it is forever. Just know that no matter what happens you will always have had that feeling and it is true.

  UNDERAPPRECIATED PERKS of BAE LIFE

  Good sex, emotional support, companionship are all great elements of a good relationship. However, there are some added perks that make having a boonopolis the wave!

  • The Airport Pickup: I’m not saying we gotta run up and do the Dirty Dancing lift at baggage claim, but it sure as hell is a great feeling to land safely after being squished in a flying metal box and see someone you like ready to take you somewhere you really like: HOME.

  • Zippers and Buttons: Have you ever been by yourself and damned near had a panic attack because you couldn’t get something zipped up or unbuttoned? It ain’t pleasant.

  • Holiday Bae: The annoying and, for some, anxiety-ridden thought of, “am I going to spend alone” is now eradicated!

  • Blame Bae: If you’ve been together long enough they can be a get-out-of-that-shit-you-said-you-were-gonna-go-to-but-don’t-really-wannago-to-free card. It’s not your fault they made plans for y’all to see their parents that weekend and didn’t tell you! Dratz!

  • Cooking for Two: You know how hard it is to cook for one? It’s really tough! You buy all these ingredients then after you cook it all up you have all these leftovers. You plate your creation and there’s no one else to appreciate the masterpiece beyond the folks on your IG who double tap when they see the pic scroll by. When there’s a second person there, though, you have brand-new inspiration! All of a sudden you’re Martha Stewart in this piece and Miss Patti with the pies. It’s great to have another person there to cosign with, “WOW, the cilantro really gives it a kick!”

  RESCUE DOGS

  Some folks may not like this comparison, but I think it’s very helpful for explaining the dynamics of new relationships formed in the midst of old wounds, because whether it’s a puppy or a person, it’s the same cause and effect that leads to mistreatment in a domestic setting by someone who is supposed to take care of you. Rescue animals are often in the position of needing adoption because they have been harmed or neglected. Therefore, they seem to always have a certain level of distrust and jumpiness with their new owners due to their conditioning. As an owner, you possess a heightened level of compassion, patience, and duty because you know the source of their reactions. Often these habits are eventually reversed or greatly diminished simply by the animal experiencing the new norm of consistent love, kindness, and support. Now, I’m not by any means saying people are dogs. But what I am saying is that a lot of us react the way we do to new partners (defensive, skeptical, side-eye strained, etc.) because we are accustomed to being treated a certain way. However, we are not some poor pup in a kennel who doesn’t have a say in its next home and has to cross its paws that a kind soul will come along to begin our rewiring. We can change that ourselves. We determine our rewiring by who we allow ourselves to intertwine with and how. It feels very natural to state your past negative experiences up top, to let the other person know what you’ve been through and what not to do, but it can send the wrong message. You are so much more than the bad experiences. When you lead with the positives, you let someone get to know you in light, without having to step over the baggage you’ve placed at the door of your temple. That said, if you see moves that look like they match the set of baggage you already have, be very deliberate in not negotiating asshole mannerisms. By refusing to accept abusive behavior that undermines our joy. By, at the first instance of fuckery, tactfully and compassionately expressing displeasure at how you’re being treated and respectfully disconnecting if the response is dismissal or deflection. YOU cannot control anyone else, but you CAN control what you take in. When you allow yourself to be treated better and given the kindness that you deserve and that you put forth, you rewire yourself to trust, to receive goodness, and be centered in peace versus paranoia. There is goodness in this world. In other words, if he’s coming with the shade, *O.T. Genasis voice* YOU NEED TO CUT IT!

  THE FULL SET

  Whether it’s a carry-on or a five-piece set, everybody has baggage. Everyone. The question is who is unpacking theirs.

  CAPTAIN SAVE A NO

  In an effort to be nurturing, supportive, and there for our partners it can be tempting to take on the role of therapist. However, even if you are a licensed therapist, you are not your partner
’s therapist! A therapist is an objective party who is trained to treat people for their mental wellness. As a significant other, objectivity is out the door.

  In that same breath, be careful of when your support becomes enabling. When you love someone, you want them to prosper and you don’t want to be in the way of that happening. However, too often in our not wanting to get in the way, we are inadvertently encouraging someone to stay in their own way. You can inspire and you can influence, but you cannot do the work for someone—that they have to do for themselves. Remember, everyone has a candle within them, but only they can light it.

  UNCONDITIONAL LUHHH

  Love is often spoken of as this singular all-encompassing entity to strive for. However, it is far more complicated than that. At the very least, it is important to consider that there’s the love you have for a person and the love you show to a person. You can possess love for someone in a real way, but that doesn’t mean that they are in a place to receive/return the actions associated with the emotion. It’s a distinction that many of us are forced to make before we make the choice on our own. The feeling of love may be unconditional, but the action absolutely has conditions and it’s up to you to define what those are for you.

  ARGUMENTS AND DEBATES

  Debates are fact-based discussions on opposing sides of a topic. Arguments are debates with emotions involved. Truth is, debates are way easier to navigate, but arguments are way easier to have. Tryna to figure out if something is worth having either about? Don’t just choose your battle, choose your weapon. Not every issue requires a Hattori HanzM sword, and yet some require far more than a NERF gun.

  NO CEREBRO, BRO

  Truth is, no one is telepathic. I would love be out here Jean Grey-ing everyone on some X-Men shit, but it just isn’t in the cards. That said, often people simply don’t know they’re on some BS unless you tell them. The work is figuring out how to tell them in a way that doesn’t demean you and doesn’t put them on defense. That’s when you gotta come from love. Your partner is going to truly piss you off. They’re going to inevitably disappoint you. They’re absolutely going to make you question their IQ. When this happens, when someone you like does something you don’t like, the toughest part is not going at them from an angry or judgmental place of what you didn’t like, but instead digging down and anchoring your argument in the love you have for them. Approach critique from a place of compassion rather than correction, and you see less of an argument and more of a debate. It’s not about being phony but finding a more effective way of being sincere. I know, issabitch, but if the person really rocks with you, they get it and respond in kind. If they don’t, get to steppin’!

  SOLID AS A ROCK

  Take some advice that I was given. Don’t try to build something sturdy on shaky ground. If someone isn’t solid in who they are and what they want, they will more than likely not be solid with what they want with you. Until there’s clarity on where/how/why you fit in each other’s lives, consider your interaction with them a pocket of joy on the journey.

  GEM DROPPIN’

  Relationship vs. Situationship

  A DANCIN’ ASS R&B SINGER ONCE SAID, “Situations, will arise in our lives, but you gotta be smart about it . . .” No truer words could be spoken when it comes to the dating game. Even if something may present itself in a certain way, there’s what we want something to be, and what it actually is. The two don’t always align. For instance, you may be showing up for someone in a real way, but that doesn’t mean they have requited love for you. So, in order not to be misled, have your time wasted, or your heart broken, you have to be smart about it, which takes being real with yourself about what you’re actually involved in. Is it a relationship or a situationship?

  At its best, a relationship is a shared commitment between two folks, on terms both agree on, that fulfills both parties in a positive way (I know there are polyamorous scenarios but for the sake of most readers we’ll just keep it a bae + boo equation!). In the best of times there is physical, mental, and emotional equity, and in the worst of times there’s understanding, compassion, and consideration for legitimate reasons why any of those first three tenets are lacking. There is no one way to do a relationship, other than the overarching bottom line that it’s gotta be mutually consensual for it to be a real thing. It doesn’t simply mean both of you have posted one another on your IG pages. Though I can’t front, once upon a time the Facebook claim was a very definitive move. A relationship is clear. It’s defined. It is what it is. In some form or fashion you’ve each said something to the effect of, “Hey, I like you. Let’s let the important people in our lives know that this is a thing.” With that declaration, there’s a concerted effort made to consider the best for the other person and to be self-aware about how you’re affecting their life. It’s an “us” scenario. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a spectrum to the “us” of it all, but on the most basic of terms, when you’re in a relationship it’s a paperless contract that says you are consciously aware of the fact that there is another person along for the ride and you’re not tryin’ to drive ’em off the road.

  A situationship, however, can feel similar but looks a lot different. A situationship has many of the ingredients of a relationship without the bowl to mix them in. Sure, you may both genuinely like each other, and yea you may both have each other’s best interests at heart, but typically in a situationship, one side of the equation, for whatever reason, does not want to commit to being on the ride with another person. The reasons vary in quantity and content. Sometimes it’s because they’re focused solely on their own direction and feel they’ll be distracted by the need for concern for another’s direction. Other times it’s because they like being available to hop on and off any ride they please (or have anyone ride them as they please), so they want to remain untethered to a specific direction. There’s also just the fact that some truly just aren’t that into you, and thus don’t see the value in your presence on their path beyond a certain point. That said, what makes it a situationship is that even with any or all of those limitations you are tethering yourself to vagueness. If your friends ask you, “So wassup with so-and-so?” and you reply, “I don’t really know what we are,” you’re in a situationship. When you stay Netflix and chillin’, and laughing, and talking but you’ve never met anyone of note in their life, you’re in a situationship. If you always have time for them, but they only have convenience for you, you’re in a situationship. To be clear, the situationship should not be confused with a “fuck buddy” or “friend with benefits.” Those scenarios are straight-to-the-point understandings. The situationship, on the other hand, is less of seeing eye to eye and more of an acquiescence to something that you talk yourself into, thinking that with patience and an unwavering demonstration of compromise, it will eventually switch up into a relationship. It rarely does.

  You’ve seen it or done it before: You and someone are hanging out a lot, you broach the topic of hanging out with each other exclusively, and they say, “Well, I’m not really ready for that. I like things to just happen naturally.” Even though you know that you have reached an emotional place in the union that they have yet to reach, instead of reconfiguring the boundaries, you proceed as you’ve been doing, your emotional attachment continuing to grow, often at the same time as your physical and mental availability. Then a moment happens when you expect them to react or show up or behave a certain way based on your attachment and they don’t. You challenge them on it, and they say, “I ain’t your man/girl.” They aren’t. You knew that. However, your expectations were mismanaged because you allowed yourself to get emotionally attached to someone who has made it clear either through actions, words, or both that they are not on the same ride as you.

  Do yourself a favor, if you realize you’re in a situationship, have a conversation. Find out where their head is at. From there, assess your own value and desires. If they cannot/choose not to provide what you need, send them off with love and a peace sign. If you’re i
n a relationship, communicate. Though all this technology has helped bring folks together to find love, there still is not an app for mind reading . . . yet!

  When It’s My Turn

  THAT ONE TIME

  When it’s my turn

  It will be beautiful

  It will be smooth and sunny and sweet

  It will be saccharine on my tongue

  Snowflakes on my lips

  Honey in my tea

  Hands on my hips

  Kisses for whatevers

  Dancing in aisles

  No buttons pushed or pulled levers

  Smiles, laughs, and smiles.

  Bad days and stormy moments

  Nestled ’tween comfort and warmth

  Weird ways and funny style

  Replaced with good form

  Bare feet on sand

  Bared souls

  Held hands

  Fearless friendship

  Two who understand

  “It’s my turn,” I’ll say

  With an exhale of acknowledgment

  The sky will be blue

  I will see clearly now.

  SIDE EFFECTS OF

  Breakups to Make Ups

  Breaking up is hard to do,

  and even harder to stick with.

  Listen to your heart, and even

  more closely to your instincts.

  THESE ARE THE BREAKS

  Don’t bring up breaking up unless you really mean it. Don’t get back together unless you’ve truly forgiven. Don’t stay together unless you’re both in it.