Small Doses

by Amanda Seales

  Classic Realist Quote: “I mean, you could claim that anything’s real if the only basis for believing in it is that nobody’s proved it doesn’t exist!”

  • Cliff Huxtable: It’s no secret that I do not support Bill Cosby the man, but the character Cliff Huxtable was a much-needed, solid example of a father who, when it came to knowing his role in his household, regarded the importance of his wife as equal parts provider of wisdom, discipline, and income, the necessity of treating each of his children as individuals with their own ideas, identities, and intellect, and, in one scene, showed all of us the true value of money in the real world.

  Classic Realist Quote: “No fourteen-year-old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he’s on stage with his four brothers.”

  GEM DROPPIN’

  Realist vs. Pessimist

  OPTIMISTS SAY, “THESE BRAIDS ARE LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE.” Pessimists say, “Them braids are tired.” Realists say, “Those braids are ready to be released.” Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. How you view the world starts with your childhood and can be shaped by a number of things: how you were raised, where you were raised, the amount of Love & Hip Hop you watched—these are all factors. Once you become an adult, and your neck is removed from under the foot of your parental figures, it’s up to you how you take things in. If you are an optimist you are always looking on the bright side of things. And although this can be a beautiful trait, sometimes looking at only the bright side ain’t gonna get you to the right side. That’s where being a realist comes in. Realists assess the scenario, consider the facts, and determine the solution. Though their means may be less emotive and more logic-based, they are often given the unflattering distinction of being a pessimist. Nobody likes a “Negative Nancy,” but the truth is sometimes the facts just don’t add up to sunflowers.

  For realists, the golden rule is objectivity. They operate on an “it is what it is” basis. In order to assess, to find success, realists don’t look for negativity or positivity, they look for the bottom line. The bottom line can very often be an inconvenient truth that resembles negativity but is in actuality simply the way shit is. For instance, imagine you’re looking to get into a club and the bouncer is out front being wild extra and giving everyone a hard time about getting in this janky lil club. A realist isn’t going to say, “Eff this, let’s go home.” They’re also not going to say, “Well, maybe he’ll make an exception for us.” The realist is gonna say, “Let’s watch who this black crewneck T-shirt, black blazer, and shades mofo is letting in and from there determine if it’s a no-go or if there’s a possibility we can make shorty swing our way.” In that scenario, the realist is the one who looks at all the schematics to determine the next action. Any business, friend crew, or revolution benefits by having a realist in the squad to keep emotions anchored to truth. When one person is wilding for respect, it’s the realist who steps in and says, “Chill.” Whether the scenario is in their favor or not, keeping it 100 is a way of life that they rely on. It’s not to say that realists are any less emotional about or disappointed by possible outcomes. Keeping it real may be a figure of speech for some, but for a realist it is literal. They base their judgements, decisions, and consideration of risk on that which they can specifically account for. Therefore, the more real things are, the better they can accurately maneuver and process a situation. They call it like it is. When it comes to solution-finding, they’re like that meme with the woman doing the math equation, because they look at each situation with a formulaic approach that considers all the possibilities and actualities. For realists, facts are what keep them on track. This way of thinking has a tendency to throw people off and have them hit you with the “pessimist” label.

  Pessimists are an entirely different thing. You know a pessimist. It might be you, reading this book right now saying, “I don’t know why she wrote all this shit, it ain’t gonna help nobody.” Unlike realists, who base their assessments on what’s in front of them, pessimists lean to the negative regardless of what they’re presented with. They’re your friend that always says, “Niggas ain’t shit,” yet still wants a man. They’re your parent that says, “I don’t know why you’re trying to be an artist, no one ever succeeds,” but still expect you to share your journey with them. They’re your business partner that says, “This movie will never sell, no one watches black movies.” (Actually, they might also be racist, or just foolish. See: Black Panther.) The pessimist can seem like a hardened, cold person with no feelings, but beneath that tough exterior is a series of experiences that make being a pessimist “safer” than being a realist. It’s often a defense mechanism against disappointment and hurt. We’ve all been there. There’s no way you can date and not have even a lickle bit of it in ya blood. It’s hard to fight the pessimism-infused cynicism of believing all people are driven by their own selfish desires when you’ve been shat on a number of times for that exact reason. However, you don’t have to stay there. Fact is, energy is a real thing, and an overabundance of the negative associated with pessimism can truly affect your ability to get over the humps, through the obstacles, and body wave through the bullshit.

  When things look like they’re going left, the pessimist assumes the worst, versus the realist, who considers the worst, and begins planning on how to avoid or bounce back from it. There are times when there really is no other reality than “This is a fucked up situation.” You watch a show like The Handmaid’s Tale and you wonder, how could anyone be anything other than a pessimist in this situation? You see film from the Civil Rights movement showing dogs and hoses being launched at black people simply wanting to share a restaurant counter with white people, and you marvel at how so many of those involved managed to push forward. You think about life on Earth, and how many forces are constantly against us, whether it be the weather or each other, and you think, how can one not devolve into a well of “whatever.” It is so easy to do so. But ask yourself, what is the easiest thing I can do to be a part of change? The answer is, believe in it. You can’t see something through or carry it forward if you don’t first believe it is even possible. The optimist is convinced of a win. The pessimist doesn’t see the point in bothering. A realist identifies the possibilities and prioritizes methods of pursuit. Though we measure the expectations associated with the outcomes, we understand the bottom line. The truth is that nothing will happen if we don’t at least try.

  I Be Knowin’

  THAT ONE TIME

  Wear my heart on my Chucks to put the right

  foot forward

  Trust everyone

  But never sell my sword

  Nor should you

  This labyrinth is filled with serpents/dementors/

  and individuals

  Skilled in the field of killing spirits

  Distilling art of merit

  And impeding people reaching for the summit

  To make for better days

  Inside the barrel, crabs abound sideways

  They move to pull me down

  but I prosper nonetheless

  Stressed

  But my pulse the inner rhythm

  That tempers the cynicism

  I get from living

  Existing as more than just an organism

  Vocalism

  Never underestimate my pen

  I’ve been known to delegate divisions of the risen.

  I decimate opinions

  With visions on a mission

  Moving with precision

  Automatic pilot

  Self-driven

  Cut to the chase

  Incision

  Bottom lines my base

  No schisms

  Eyes on the prize spotting the lies in the algorithms

  Don’t smoke the ism

  Drunk on realism

  Egotism?

  Nah, never tripping on my own two

  Grew to view this world with more eyes than two

  I don’t come for you,

  The facts do.


  If you mad

  It’s about you.

  Folks be quick to call it hate

  But it ain’t shade

  if it’s true.

  I’m a

  Risk taker

  Move maker

  Door breaker-downer

  Cliff dweller

  Stellar spirit

  Clown caller-outer

  Shouter of the truth

  Rebel with a cause

  Fat lady singing on the lifespan of these frauds

  SIDE EFFECTS OF

  Haters

  They’re mad at you

  Cuz they’re mad at themselves

  So don’t take it to heart

  Or let it affect your wealth!

  DON’T READ THE COMMENTS

  The comments section. You go there with the best of intentions. You’ve posted something you thought was funny, or dope, or interesting, etc., or maybe you read something that you feel compelled to share your thoughts on. You think, “People will feel the same way I feel about this!” Then you set foot in the comments and clutch your pearls in horror as they quickly devolve into a sea of unconstructive criticism, ignorance, and meanness right before your eyes. You thought you were posting freely, not knowing the haters were there, perched, waiting, like a New York pigeon on a streetlight, to shit all over you. Ya see, the comments section is where haters thrive! It can be a cesspool of insecurities, shade, and just good ol’-fashioned nastiness growing exponentially with each time-stamped statement. Sure, there are sprinkles of people with sense, information, and positivity, but the haters seem to go so much harder in their pursuit of pestilence. So get ya comments on but, if you’re tryna dodge the haters, proceed with caution!

  THE ART OF THE CLAPBACK

  Haters can be anywhere, so you must remain ready to handle them. They may choose to expel unnecessary energy all day, but you don’t have to. The quickest way to handle them is to ignore them or, if that’s not possible, master the art of the clapback. The clapback is a quick, concise response that gathers someone so tightly, there is no room for a response. It takes a cool head and swift thinking to deliver it properly, but when you can master it, it’s like finding all the Infinity Stones and having the power to turn those haters’ hate instantly to dust!

  • Remove Emotion: It is natural to feel bristled by someone coming at you unnecessarily for just living your best life, but you can’t let that cloud the clarity you need to . . .

  • Find the Facts: Sure, this person may have come for you, but hater hate is always devoid of the whole truth. Utilizing what you know of the situation, yourself, or them, identify what they have overlooked, and present it to them precisely and . . .

  • Keep It Curse-Word Free: I know that may seem gratuitous, but as much as I love curse words, in a clapback context they can muddy the message, and insert inferred emotion where there is none.

  The clapback is a cousin of the snap or the dozens. Except where those are playful exchanges of wit, the clapback is not meant to foster dialogue, but to shut it down, so you can keep it movin’, hater free!

  And now, some of my fave clapbacks that I reuse like grocery store plastic bags:

  • Come back when you’re thinking bigger about being better.

  • I hope you have health insurance, because your arm can’t be functioning properly after that reach.

  • Be blocked and blessed.

  MEAN GIRLS, CBANS, AND TROLLS

  The worst is realizing your friends or your significant other are haters. At first, you may not realize it because they are not hating on you, but eventually you notice that they always have something to say about everybody else.

  • MEAN GIRLS are notorious for rolling in a pack where they fuel one another’s insecurities by collectively shading others. They will openly talk shit about folks based on nothing. You might realize they’re mean girls if and when you attempt to mention an actual unpleasant experience you had with someone (which ain’t shade if it’s the truth), and they make it a point to ostracize YOU as “mean.” One-on-one they may be great, but once in the pack, they assume the hater role. Know that if you’re in their scope it’s simply because you’re super dope!

  • CBANs or Cornball-Ass Niggas specialize in hating on successful women. Their fragile egos are supported by toxic masculinity that independent, successful, unbothered women dispel daily. In their efforts to retain their measly modicums of pride they prowl the innanets, dating apps, and your local hangout waiting for the opportunity to neg you into what they hope is self-consciousness. If you’re on their mind, it’s because you’re getting shine!

  • TROLLS were elevated when the invention of the innanets opened us all up to a whole new world of people we had no idea didn’t like us. Here you were thinking it was just your neighbor, your ex’s sister, and possibly your cat, but lo and behold, someone named “Getchyoish45” is taking time out of their day to let you know that not only do they not like you, they don’t like whatever you’re doing in your pic and think it’s high time you killed yourself. Getchyoish45 is a troll. A troll is a person who gets their kicks by spreading hateration. They thrive on inserting negativity into positive spaces. They live to ruin your day, every day. However, if they’re taking time to type, it’s cause you’re living your best life!

  HATERS BE LIKE:

  (ACTUAL THINGS SAID TO ME ON THE INNANETS)

  • You post a pic of you and your new car on Instagram:

  “You act like you’ve never had anything nice before. Humble yourself.”

  • You get an HBO comedy special and it’s announced with a photo of you in a blazer with a deep V:

  “Maybe not the best boobs to go braless . . . I’m just saying . . . zero cleavage.”

  • You commit your life’s work to the arts and activism:

  “She’s like the black Paris Hilton. Mad opinionated and famous but nobody know just exactly why you’re famous or your opinion matters. lol”

  Don’t be a hater, witchya hatin’ ass.

  ARE THEY A “BLIP” OR A “BREATH”?

  Your vision and your purpose are your radar. You have to determine who is a “blip,” i.e., a momentary distraction, and who is a “breath,” i.e., meaning they breathe life into your vision and your purpose. When the latter brings commentary your way, that may feel uncomfortable, but before you reject it, pause and take it in. It might be helpful. If it’s not, release it. However, if someone is a “blip,” you don’t have to do alla that. Let that go right on by. Learning how to discern between the two can save you a lot of time and annoyance!

  GEM DROPPIN’

  Criticism vs. Hating

  MOST OF THE TIME YOU DON’T EVEN SEE IT COMING. You’re scrolling by a post and it strikes a chord. You make a comment and move on with your life. Next thing you know, your notifications are blowing up. “Damn, did I just become Rihanna?” You check, and instead of an abundance of likes, you scroll through a litany of comments where everyone is calling you a hater and telling you to “Quit hating!” and asking “Why so much hate???” Someone even went so far as to say, “Kill yo’self!” You’re confused. All you did was say that you’re tired of folks supporting a known woman beater, and people want you to die?! It was just a simple comment, and a factual one at that, right?! No boo, you said something outside of praise, that folks are not feeling, and the innanets have come for you because the distinction between hate and criticism is very blurred. The other reason they came for you is because the innanets as a medium are very blurred. Whether it’s an IG pic, a twitter thread, a tumblr post, etc., the www’s is a giant forum of perspectives and opinions that find their way to each other. It’s both a gift and a curse. People can speak freely, but often without any sort of monitoring. Therefore, you never know who you’re really talking to or where they’re coming from. So in order to determine whether something that seems like criticism is really just hating, you first have to take a step back and consider the context. Regardless, we all gotta manage ourselves and
what we bring to the conversation, so even if you can’t determine the difference in what someone else has voiced, you can at least be clear on the difference for your own digital diatribes.

  Constructive criticism is necessary. It’s necessary because, guess what, we don’t have all the answers for how to make things work, how to improve, or how to move. We can’t have all the answers because we can’t see through everyone’s eyes in order to have all perspectives. What makes criticism constructive is when it allows us to actually build on what we’ve already created or are already doing. It involves information exchange, includes thoughtful insight, and looks at the work at hand from both a micro and macro perspective. A key to ensuring that the criticism you’re providing is constructive is not getting stuck on what someone should have or could have done but staying focused on what they can do now. Lemme say that one more time, for the folks in the back: the key is talking about what someone can do now. If your homegirl just got dumped by a dude you knew was trash and you come in post-dumpage to make mention of all of the wackness you noticed while they were together that you never spoke on, that’s not constructive! It’s just annoying. If, instead, you spoke on how to prevent the previous bad decisions from continuing, that is constructive criticism.

  To clarify, a correction is not a criticism. Correcting someone delivering incorrect information or using clearly defined hate speech is not criticism.

  The internet didn’t give birth to haters, but it absolutely gave them a platform for hate that’s unlike anything before. Once upon a time, the only way you really knew a person’s opinions about you was if you actually knew them! Now, literally anyone, anywhere can not only feel all types of ways about you but they can also let you know. Next thing you know, you’re online in a proverbial boxing ring taking proverbial blows from someone with a cow smoking a cigarette as their avi, and a profile that reads like they choose to go hunting instead of to English class. A hater is someone who simply chooses to insert negativity where there is no need for it. They are the person in the comments telling you to be humble when you celebrate buying a new car. They’re the person under a picture of a woman in a dress, bringing up how another woman wore that dress better. They insert shade where there is none. They are jealous. They are petty. They are in the way. When haters enter the conversation, they don’t push it forward, they obstruct it. With all of that being said, the key is to remember that their input is opinion-based, and not based on valid information, therefore it’s not constructive. Trolls are folks who make a lifestyle out of this.