Down Too Deep

by J. Daniels

  I smiled into Marley’s hair. There was a lot riding on this game. Their Jenga tower stood taller than it ever had before. I’d already been instructed to take multiple photos of it, just in case this was it.

  All eyes were on Oliver as he pinched the block between his thumb and first finger and slowly eased it away. The tower held strong for a breath, then another, and I thought we were in the clear, but then it swayed to the right and tipped fast, sending the blocks crashing to the large oak coffee table. A few spilled over to the floor.

  “Oh no!” Olivia shrieked, while Oliver dropped to his knees and pulled at his hair.

  “No! I knew I should’ve picked the other block! I ruined it!”

  Hearing her brother’s distress, Olivia wiped her face clean of reaction and placed her hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, Ollie,” she said, her voice sweet and unconcerned. “I think it would’ve fallen no matter which block you took.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Oliver,” I added when he punched his thigh and growled until his face burned red. “That was a really good game. You should be proud of yourself.”

  “It could’ve been better though. We were so close to beating it. I should’ve worked from the other side.” He squeezed his eyes shut, nostrils flaring with his heavy breaths.

  Marley wiggled out of my hold and picked up two more blocks, adding to the three in her grasp. She held them out for Oliver to take.

  “O’ver, here. Here, go.”

  Warmth spread through my chest. I loved how she said his name.

  Oliver opened his eyes and took the blocks from Marley. “Thanks,” he grumbled.

  “More, O’ver. Look. I get dem.” She spun around and grabbed another handful of blocks, carrying them over to him, repeating this until Oliver couldn’t stay mad or disappointed anymore because his lap overflowed. When Marley tried stacking the blocks on his shoulders, his head, Oliver laughed at her.

  “Okay, stop. That’s enough, Marley.” He shook the blocks off and got to his feet.

  Marley lunged at him and giggled, wrapping her arms around his leg.

  “She’s so cute,” Olivia said, grinning at the two of them.

  “Mom.” Oliver groaned as he tried squirming out of Marley’s grasp. “She’s doing it again. Why does she keep doing this?”

  “Because she likes you, Oliver.”

  “Well…I like her too, but…” He carefully backed around the chair and through the room, trying to dislodge himself, but Marley stayed with him. “This is getting ridiculous!”

  Olivia and I shared a laugh.

  It was day five of watching Marley, and her attachment to Oliver was getting stronger by the minute. She loved playing with Olivia as well, especially when my daughter brought over her accessories kit. The two of them would giggle and whisper together as Olivia put every clip and barrette she had in Marley’s hair, styling her like we were going somewhere fancy.

  But Marley’s bond with Oliver was different. She watched him constantly and had to be sitting near him no matter what he was doing. It was sweet. And even though Oliver complained, I suspected he didn’t mind the attention as much as he wanted us to believe. He never minded it from his sister.

  The timer on the oven buzzed from the kitchen.

  I stood from the sofa, picked up the blocks at my feet and set them on the coffee table as I moved around it, announcing, “Lunchtime.” I smiled at Marley when she craned her neck to look back at me. She was still holding tight to Oliver, who had momentarily given up on escaping. “Are you ready to eat some pizza?” I asked her.

  Marley’s eyes lit up. She released her hold then and moved to rush at me, but spun around and ran after Oliver instead when he bolted for the kitchen.

  “O’ver! O’ver!”

  “Oh my gosh. I’m right here. Jeez!”

  Nathan’s house had an open floor plan, so I could see into the kitchen without any obstructions as I crossed the family room. I watched Oliver pick Marley up and sit her in the booster seat, get her buckled, and then rethink his own seating choice, pulling out the chair beside her and planting himself in it instead of the open spot next to Olivia, which was where he typically sat.

  He shrugged when he saw me notice. “She’s just going to whine if I don’t sit right here. You know I’m right, Mom.”

  “I didn’t say anything,” I replied, head turned toward the oven so he couldn’t see my smile.

  After making sure the homemade pizzas were finished cooking, I handed out slices of double pepperoni to Oliver and Olivia and then cut up a slice of extra cheese for Marley, plating one for myself. Marley had made it known how she felt about pepperoni earlier when the four of us were garnishing the pies. Half of the pack had ended up on the floor.

  “Oliver, slow down, please,” I said, watching my son nearly hit crust on his first taste. “You’re going to choke.”

  His cheek puffed out with his bite, and he spoke on a mouthful. “It’s just really good, Mom.”

  “It’s so good,” Olivia echoed, smacking her lips, then licking them. “Super yummy. Just like the ones we make at Uncle Brian’s.”

  Syd had introduced my kids to make-your-own-pizza nights after she and my brother babysat a few times. Both Olivia and Oliver raved about the recipes. And because of that, we never ordered out pizza anymore.

  “S’per yummy,” Marley echoed. She giggled around her bite while her eyes stayed glued to Oliver’s every move.

  “Wash your hands before you grab your iPads, please,” I told the twins when they were finished up with their slices.

  They nearly knocked each other over rushing to the bathroom on the other side of the family room, excited for iPads after going all day without them. I typically limited their screen time during the summer, but I’d been restricting it even more than usual and allowing it only during Marley’s naps. My kids had enough to occupy them here.

  Nathan didn’t just have a beautiful, spacious home on the inside. The outside was equally amazing. His front yard had plenty of room to run, and he had a basketball hoop mounted above the garage and an air hockey table set up in there. On top of that, his house was beachfront. Stepping off his deck, you hit sand. And within a short walk between dunes, your toes dipped into the ocean.

  Children were meant to spend summers outdoors in my opinion. Being on the fifth level at my apartment complex, we didn’t even have a blade of grass to call our own. My kids were loving every second of being here.

  I pulled a baby wipe out of the pack I kept on the counter and walked over to Marley, who was still in her booster seat and currently occupying herself by smearing pizza sauce all over her hands.

  “Okay, girlfriend. Are you ready for a nap?” I asked, pausing in my wipe-down of her. She looked seriously cute and so stinking happy right now, I wanted Nathan to see it. I tugged the phone out of my pocket and snapped a picture of Marley, prompting her to smile big and giggling at her when she delivered. I attached the picture to a text.

  Your girl loves pizza!

  This wasn’t the first picture I’d sent Nathan. I hadn’t needed to text him with any questions or for any other reason yet, but I had sent him multiple candid shots of Marley and a few short videos. Sometimes he’d text back with a thank you. Sometimes he wouldn’t, and I’d assume he’d been too busy at work to reply. But even if he didn’t respond to any of the pictures I’d sent, I still knew how much he wanted me to send them.

  His desire to know his daughter was written all over his face. And the way he’d look at her before he left for work and ask about her day when he got home…how he made an effort even though he appeared so unsure, which, God, was the most important thing he could ever do—Nathan was trying so hard. I could see it.

  I slipped my phone away and reached for Marley’s messy hands. “Let’s get you ready for your nap.”

  Marley squealed, “No, no nap!” But she didn’t fight me, and she yawned while I cleaned off her face. Halfway up the stairs, her head hit my shoulder. />
  The nursery was sweetly decorated in pinks and soft grays, adorned with alphabet artwork and snapshots of Marley growing up, and it always smelled like lavender. I was convinced the scent was infused in the paint. I loved being in here with her. She had one of those growth charts with penciled dashes, molds of her hand- and footprints, a quilt with her name stitched on it hanging on the wall, and toys, of course. Her room was filled with love. With memories. But there was one thing missing, and not just in Marley’s bedroom. It was missing throughout the entire house. I couldn’t find any pictures of her mother anywhere, and I didn’t understand why.

  As I rocked Marley to sleep in the chair beside her crib, I looked at the clues around the room. The collage on the wall with a missing eight by ten and the empty spaces on the hutch.

  Why weren’t there pictures? Did Nathan hate his wife? Did he not want Marley to remember her mother? The questions grew louder in my mind and became impossible to push aside. On day three, I told myself this wasn’t any of my business. On day four, I sang to Marley while I rocked so I wouldn’t hear myself think. Today, I did both and nothing worked. I knew I couldn’t ignore this anymore.

  Marley was asleep by the third repeat of “You Are My Sunshine.” I laid her in the crib and had Tori’s contact information pulled up on my phone before I’d stepped out into the hallway. Halfway down the stairs, the call connected.

  “Hey, Jenna.”

  “Hey.” Surprise lightened my voice. “I figured I’d just leave you a message. You’re not at work?”

  “No. I’m off today. I’m headed to Wax to load up on graphic tees. I need some more sleep shirts.”

  Wax was the surf shop my brother and Jamie, Tori’s fiancé, owned together.

  “Oh, cool. I need to get over there. Oliver has been bugging me for clothes.”

  I stepped into the kitchen and moved down the counter, stopping where the baby monitor was plugged in. I slid my thumb over the volume dial until it was the loudest it could go.

  “So, what’s up?” Tori asked. “How’s babysitting going?”

  “Good! Really good. Marley is so sweet.”

  “It’s really nice of you to help Nate out like this.”

  “It’s nothing. I enjoy being here.” I wasn’t seeing this as a job. I wanted to spend time with Marley. “Speaking of being here, um, I had a question I’m not sure you know the answer to, but I figured you’d be a good person to ask before I took this any further.”

  “Shoot.”

  “It’s about Nathan…I, uh…” I paused when Tori made a pleased sound through the phone. “What’s that for? What are you doing?”

  “Nothing,” she answered, an obvious smile in her voice. “What is it you’d like to ask about Nathan?”

  “Why are you saying his name like that?”

  “Because you’re saying his name like that.” She giggled. “I’ve never heard anyone call him Nathan. I call him Nate. Syd calls him Nate. Shay—”

  “Well, he introduced himself to me as Nathan, so…I don’t know, I thought that’s what he wanted me to call him.” Why was this a big deal? This wasn’t a big deal.

  “Okay.” Tori was smiling so big right now, I could practically hear it. “He’s hot, isn’t he? I always thought he was hot.”

  “Uh, yeah…he’s hot. Definitely.”

  “What all do you think is hot about him?”

  “I don’t know. Everything. His face…Have you seen his jawline? I’m pretty sure that thing could literally cut me in half.”

  Tori burst out laughing.

  Like a fog lifting, I became hyperaware of the strange direction this conversation had taken. What are we doing?

  “Can I ask you my question now? I actually did call for a reason.”

  “Yes, sorry. Go ahead.”

  “Does Nathan hate his wife?” The question left my mouth so quickly, it shocked me to hear it. My heart began to race. “He doesn’t have any pictures of her anywhere in his house,” I elaborated when Tori remained silent. “None.”

  Tori breathed softly in my ear. “I don’t know the answer to that question, Jenna. I don’t think he does, but I’ve never asked him about Sadie. I don’t really want to, you know? I only ever see Nate at work, and that’s not really something I’d want to bring up there.”

  “Of course,” I replied, shifting on my feet. My back pressed against the edge of the marble counter. “This isn’t any of my business. I don’t know why I’m even curious.”

  “You’re curious for Marley. I get that.”

  I nodded as if she could see me. “I know Nathan wants to have a relationship with her, and I’m trying to help him with that. I just don’t know if he wants his wife included. I feel like I should know.”

  “You should.”

  “I’m not sure I can talk to him about this. I feel like maybe I’m overstepping.”

  “The worst he could do is get angry at you for asking…”

  I thought for a moment. “I don’t know.”

  “I think you should ask.”

  “You just said you wouldn’t talk to him about his wife.”

  “Yeah, when I’m at work. I’m not taking care of his kid every day like you are.”

  She had a point.

  “Jenna, you’re asking for Marley. I think Nate will understand that. You wouldn’t be wrong for doing it.”

  I bit my lip and looked out into the family room, where Oliver and Olivia sat close on the couch, quietly playing their iPads.

  My thoughts drifted to Derek—their father—and I tried harder than I ever have before. I tried hating him for a solid second when he deserved to feel that for the rest of his life, and I couldn’t do it.

  My decision was incredibly easy to make.

  I still had reservations and God, was I nervous—I didn’t want to upset Nathan in any way—but a bigger part of me needed to know how he felt, because I didn’t think he could ever have the relationship he wanted to have with Marley if he hated his wife for what she did. I was speculating postpartum depression. I didn’t know the specifics about Sadie’s death. Maybe I was way off, but even if I was…

  “Okay,” I told Tori. “I’ll ask him.”

  * * *

  I was in the kitchen wiping off the table when the front door opened.

  I listened to Olivia fire a series of questions at Nathan the second he stepped inside the house, a habit she had developed.

  “Do you like board games, Nate?”

  “Can you build your own campfire?”

  “How do you feel about s’mores?”

  I wasn’t sure if he was up for answering her tonight, and I didn’t wait to find out.

  After sweeping the crumbs into my hand, I lifted my head and informed her, “Olivia, if you’d like a little more iPad time, I’ll allow it right now.”

  She gasped and turned on her heel, sprinting for the outlet beside the television console, where her iPad was charging. I needed her occupied for the conversation I was about to have. And now Nathan could move throughout his house without answering fifty questions.

  Two birds, one stone.

  Although, possibly not necessary. Because when he entered the kitchen, Nathan didn’t appear to be a bit annoyed by my daughter or even on the edge of irritation. His smile was subtle, as if he was tired, but already there when I glanced over at him after dumping the crumbs into the trash can by the fridge. I wondered if he had been wearing that smile for Olivia too.

  “Hey,” he greeted me, stopping at the edge of the island. He hadn’t worn a tie today, and the top button of his shirt was already undone.

  Never in my life had I focused on a man’s neck this much before. But God, I couldn’t help it. If Nathan owned any turtlenecks, they needed to be burned immediately.

  “Hey,” I returned, brushing my hands off over the bin.

  “Where’s your other one?”

  “What’s that?” I watched him hook a thumb over his shoulder in Olivia’s direction and realized he meant O
liver, who was typically always with his sister. “Oh, he had a Scout meeting tonight. And then he has a sleepover with his friend. They’re going to drop him off here tomorrow.”

  “Boy Scouts?”

  “Yep. Did you ever do that?”

  He shook his head.

  “Oliver likes it, unless it’s football season, and then he wants nothing to do with it. Football becomes his life.”

  “I can appreciate that,” he replied, his cheek twitching. “How was Marley today?”

  “Awesome, as usual. We were going to go to the playground, but since it rained, we did Play-doh instead. She loved it.”

  I walked down the island, moving closer to Nathan. I was already smiling because talking about Marley with him always made me happy, but when he asked, “Your day was good too, then? Did you get a lot of work done?” I fought to keep my mouth from stretching any wider.

  This was the second time Nathan had asked about me after inquiring about his daughter. Yesterday, he’d gestured at my bag and questioned what I did for a living. He’d seemed genuinely interested. We’d talked for a good ten minutes about my job and how I felt about it.

  It was nice. And this was nice too. He didn’t need to ask about me.

  “I did. And my day was good. If the kids are good, I’m good.” I stopped beside him at the corner of the island. “What about you? How was your day?”

  “Productive.”

  “That’s how you like it, then? You don’t miss having to keep an eye out at all times for two-year-old escape artists?”

  “What eye? She spent more time out of my office than in it. I can’t imagine how you dealt with two at that age.”

  I shrugged, answering, “It’s the only normal I know.”

  A look of understanding washed over his face. He dug some cash out of his wallet and handed it over. As I was sliding the money into the front pocket of my shorts, he checked the time on his watch.

  Shit. I still needed to ask him about the pictures, and he was clearly gearing up to walk me to the door. Another nice thing he always did.

  “Can I talk to you about something?” I asked.