by J. Daniels
“Nothing.” I shifted Marley so her head lay on my shoulder. Her body was deadweight. “Go on.”
Jenna gazed out at the ocean again. “There was this party. We hooked up…Three weeks later I found out I was pregnant.”
I blinked. “Jesus. You were—”
“Eighteen,” she answered for me. “Nineteen when I delivered. The pregnancy was shocking enough. We’d used a condom. I mean, I know there’s still risks, but it wasn’t like we were reckless. When I found out I was having twins, I almost hit the floor.”
“I can imagine.”
“I was so excited though.” She looked over at me and smiled. Her long hair blew behind her shoulder. “Straightaway just so incredibly excited. I didn’t regret anything. I wasn’t even nervous. I couldn’t wait to be a mom.” Her smile faded to something softer, a little dejected. “I never saw that night with Derek as just a hookup. I wanted something more. I’d hoped for more. He didn’t. I knew that. I never thought having kids with him would change his mind about me. I never once thought that. I only cared about them.” She tipped her head at the slider. “I wanted Derek in their lives for them, not for me. I could see us making it work…co-parenting. Splitting custody. I thought he’d be excited about them. He wasn’t. He asked me to get an abortion.”
My shoulders drew back. Jenna noticed my reaction and nodded as if she knew I needed her to confirm what I’d just heard, because I was certain I’d misunderstood.
“I told him I wouldn’t do that. I wanted them, with or without his involvement.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “My parents were supportive of my decision, which was a huge relief. My brother was too. Though he wanted to kill Derek. I had to beg him not to fly out to Denver and hunt him down. I’m pretty positive he made a few phone calls. Derek would tense up if I’d mention Brian for whatever reason.”
“I like your brother.”
A soft laugh pushed past her lips. Her gaze lowered to the rail. “It’s strange…I knew how Derek felt. I never doubted his decision, not even the day I went into labor. I didn’t call him. I didn’t tell him I was having them that day, but the moment I saw Oliver and Olivia, the second I looked at them…I knew if he saw them too, he’d change his mind. I was sure. I was in love with them after a glance. He just needed to see them…so, I texted him a picture. I told him what room I was in…that they were healthy. I told him their names.”
“He didn’t show up, did he?”
Jenna shook her head. “He never even wrote me back.”
I cursed under my breath. Then I flexed my jaw. It was beginning to ache. “Okay. Then what?”
I suddenly wanted Jenna to rush through the rest of the details and possibly spare me the worst. I was two seconds away from getting in touch with her brother and getting this motherfucker’s number for myself. I had my own calls to make. He thought he was tense before? I’d give a new definition to the word.
Jenna turned sideways to face me. “Then nothing for a while.” She tucked more hair behind her ear. The breeze off the water was cool and swirled around us. “I dropped out of college and eventually moved back in with my parents. I left Derek alone. I still thought he’d reach out…He didn’t. I went almost a year before I gave in to my parents’ demands and considered hitting him up for child support. I didn’t want him getting served. If he was bitter about it, we’d never get along again. I knew that. I thought we could talk. I still had hope—if Derek saw them in person, he’d change his mind. Again, I was sure. I just loved them so much. How could he not, you know? I sent him an invitation to their first birthday party, thinking we could go from there.”
She shook her head, her gaze falling to Marley, who was sound asleep on my shoulder.
“He got in touch with me, finally, after that. Derek wanted to relinquish his parental rights. In order for that to happen, I had to approve it. So I did…”
“You never made him pay child support?”
“Not a cent.”
“Why the hell not?”
“He wasn’t giving up his rights to get out of paying. He couldn’t.” She looked at me then. “Derek never even knew I was considering going to court about that. I never said a word. He was giving up his rights because he didn’t want anything to do with them. He never did. I just didn’t believe him until he took it that far.”
I pulled in a deep breath and released it slowly. “I don’t know, Jenna. I would’ve still made him pay.”
“It hurt me when he did that,” she whispered. Tears welled up in her eyes again. They beaded on her lashes. “More than anything…more than when he asked me to abort them, and I can’t explain to you why. Maybe it was because he’d seen pictures of them and knew they existed, and I couldn’t understand how he could still want nothing to do with them. I looked at my children once and I would’ve done anything to know them. I was with them every day, all day long, and when I started taking classes again and had to leave them for two, three hours at the most, I missed them so badly, I considered dropping out again. I considered it every time I went to class. Derek knew they existed and he still chose not to meet them, and when he contacted me that day, I realized nothing was going to change. I didn’t want to fight with him for child support. I didn’t want to send him invitations to parties every year and see the look on my kids’ faces when their father didn’t bother showing up. I thought they’d be better off without him instead of being constantly rejected, and ninety-five percent of the time, they are. They’re great. You see them. You know. They’re the happiest kids.”
She blinked, sending a stream of tears down her cheeks. Her chest shuddered.
“But then there’s that other five percent of the time when I can’t be both parents, and it doesn’t matter that they have an uncle who would do anything for them because he’s not their dad. Olivia doesn’t want to take Brian to the daddy/daughter dance, but she does, and even though she’s smiling in their pictures, she’ll cry herself to sleep that night. And it kills me…I want to hate Derek so badly, Nathan, and I can’t. I won’t say a bad word about him, because what if—I won’t be able to take it back. Oliver and Olivia wouldn’t understand. They want their father to want them. That’s it!”
She wiped away tears as more continued to fall.
“Everyone thinks I’m crazy, and I might be. I don’t know! I ignore my parents, who think I should write him off, and my brother, who can’t believe I’m still holding out for something…I ignore everyone, and I don’t hate him. My son is devastated right now, but I don’t hate Derek. I can’t. I…” Jenna whimpered, cupping her mouth with her hand, and began to cry harder.
I reached out without a word, wrapped my arm around her small shoulders, and drew her against me. For a moment I feared I’d pulled Jenna a little too roughly and held my breath. My desperation to do this felt like its own living, breathing force, completely separate from me and out of my control. But Jenna didn’t seem to mind what I’d done.
She molded to the left side of my body. Her face turned into my chest. Her hand gripped the waist of my shirt. She fit against me with urgency, but was still cautious of Marley, who was sound asleep, head on my shoulder and body limp. When my daughter stirred in a dream, Jenna turned her head away and slid an inch along my ribs. I closed my eyes, mouth pressed to her hair, and simply held her. It was a miracle I’d waited as long as I had. The second I’d seen her tears, I’d wanted to do this…
No, the second I’d stepped outside with her, or walked in the front door. Pick one—they were all true.
I forced myself to relax as much as I could. My grip around her body felt severe, and my fucking heart hurt. Screw calling this guy. I wanted to drag him here by his neck, bleeding and bruised. I wanted him begging for forgiveness. He didn’t deserve to know them. He didn’t deserve to fucking live another second.
After a minute, two at the most, Jenna had calmed down enough her body was no longer shaking. I couldn’t hear her agony. Only the quiet hiccups in her breath.
“I’d let him see them,” she said, her voice floating up my shoulder. She was still facing the ocean. “I would let Derek know them if he ever reaches out, but I swear to God…if he gets their hopes up just to hurt them further…” Her head shook. She whimpered and pulled at my shirt, needing more of it to hold on to.
“You’ll protect them. You won’t let that happen,” I said. My next words spilled out of my mouth, and they were loaded. “Fuck, I won’t let that happen.”
Jenna’s breath caught. We both went perfectly still, until she leaned back enough to peer up at me. She didn’t say a word. Neither did I—I’d said enough.
This arrangement we had was on a deadline. The end of summer would be the end of this, me coming home to Jenna and her kids, seeing them practically every day, spending time together, knowing them as well as I did…It couldn’t last. Jenna would return to work at her office and Marley would go to daycare. I already had one lined up. We wouldn’t be in each other’s lives like we were now and we both knew that, so what was I saying?
I caught a tear as it rolled down Jenna’s cheek, wiping it away with my thumb. I expected her to question what the hell I was doing and to press for clarification on my promise to her and the kids, but she didn’t. She closed her eyes and leaned into my hand, and I couldn’t remember ever wanting to kiss someone so badly before. Not even Sadie.
That revelation paralyzed me. I suddenly couldn’t breathe.
When Jenna pulled back and stepped away, pausing to ask if I was coming inside, I was grateful for the prompt. Without it, I wasn’t sure I’d move. And when she didn’t hustle her kids out the front door and instead cued up a movie on Netflix for them, I felt life in my limbs again. Blood warmed in my veins and rushed beneath my skin. Another revelation…
I didn’t want them to leave.
Jenna sat on the couch and beckoned her kids to join her. They flanked her side, Oliver settling into the crook of her arm and Olivia gripping her hand. Everyone’s tears were gone.
Olivia smiled up at me like she always did and patted the cushion beside her. Again, I was grateful for the gesture. Why the hell I couldn’t move all of a sudden without encouragement, I didn’t know. But I knew I’d been waiting for it. I repositioned Marley so she was cradled in my arms and took a seat beside Olivia. When she scooted closer, eliminating the space I’d left on the cushion between us, and threw her bare feet up over my leg, I smiled at the TV.
Halfway through Guardians of the Galaxy, I stopped fighting the urge to look over at Jenna. Sensing the attention, she turned her head to me and smiled.
“Are you doing anything yet on the Fourth?” I asked, keeping my voice low.
“I don’t think so.”
“A friend of mine has this huge party every year. He’s right on the beach…His house is ridiculous. Huge pool with a water slide.” I smiled down at Olivia when that piqued her interest. Round eyes blinked behind her glasses. I looked at Jenna again. “Private fireworks show. DJ. Tons of food…”
“Sounds fun,” she said.
“Do you want to go with me?”
“I do,” Olivia answered just as Oliver sat forward to peer back at his mother.
“I want to go,” he said. His hair was sticking up wildly from Jenna’s fingers. “Mom, can we? That sounds cool.”
“Sure.” Jenna kissed the top of his head when he settled back against her. Then she looked over at me again.
I hadn’t turned away. It took me half a movie to cave in to watching her, and now I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop.
Chapter Nine
JENNA
I giggled, hand covering my mouth, as I scrolled through the four pictures of Marley Nathan had sent me an hour ago. In the first two, she was buried in the sand with only her head sticking out, the biggest smile on her face and Nathan’s sunglasses shielding her eyes. In the second pair, she had Nathan’s hat on sideways and was chasing after bubbles, trying to pop them.
“Earth to Jenna.” My brother’s voice tickled my ear.
“Mm? What? I’m listening.” I stuffed my phone into my purse and grinned at Brian, who stood on the other side of the counter at Wax Surf Shop, arms folded over his broad chest and green eyes bright. He looked amused. “Did you say something?” I asked.
Brian smirked, glanced across the store where Oliver and Olivia were currently checking out boards along the far wall, verifying they were still well out of eavesdropping territory, before Brian turned back to me and said, “You tell me you’re not doin’ this guy and I’m callin’ bullshit.”
“Brian,” I snapped, glancing over at the kids out of habit before I continued. “I’m not…doin’ Nathan. God, why would you say that? I’m looking at pictures of his daughter.”
His face was expressionless.
“What?”
“Getting defensive about it, I see.”
Oh my God. “I was looking at pictures of his daughter! Here!” I stuffed my hand into my purse and palmed my phone but decided against whipping it out as proof.
Aside from the collection of pictures we’d sent each other, there was a good amount of texts between Nathan and me. Friendly texts…maybe a little flirting on my part—I wasn’t sure how obvious though. But still, I knew Brian would read into our messages.
“You know what?” I crossed my arms under my chest and cocked out my hip. “I’m not doing this. I was smiling at pictures of an adorable little girl, who I’m allowed to smile at, by the way, and if you can’t take my word on that, then that’s your problem.” I huffed out a breath. My face was suddenly hot, but I fought the urge to fan it. Maybe Brian wouldn’t notice my flush.
Slowly, he smiled.
Crap. He was totally noticing.
“Stop, okay?” I pleaded, my voice losing its edge. I felt myself shrink an inch. “You’re making this into something it isn’t.”
“Am I?”
“What do you want me to say? That I like him?”
Brian cocked a brow.
“Fine, okay, I like him…as a friend, because that’s what we are. And yes, he’s attractive. I’m attracted to him.” God, who wouldn’t be? “But we’re friends. Nothing else has happened. I’m not sure it will.” I held my arms out. “Happy now?”
I left off two minor details I wasn’t sure were worth mentioning. Our ice cream/Putt-Putt get-together with the kids (date?) and three nights ago when Nathan held me while I cried over Derek (that promise he made…what was that?). My brother wasn’t asking for particulars. I wasn’t even sure any of that information was relevant. So why share it?
“Syd talks,” Brian said. “You know this…”
“Yes. And?”
I adored my future sister-in-law, but was there nothing sacred between girlfriends? I had no idea what my brother was about to reveal. My weekly chats with Sydney covered a lot of bases.
I knew I mentioned Nathan here and there. She still picked up shifts at the restaurant, even though she worked full-time at the hospital now. She knew Nate. Of course we chatted about him. Though I couldn’t for the life of me remember anything specific we’d discussed.
“You spend your days off with him,” my brother began.
“Not today.” I gestured around the room. “Obviously. Not every day off.”
“Most.”
I shrugged. Was this the best he had? Please. So what if Nathan and I hung out when he wasn’t working? Our kids got along great.
“Spending the Fourth with him too,” Brian added.
“He invited me and the kids to a party. So, what?”
“You typically spend it with me…”
I frowned. My arms fell to my sides. “Shit,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, Brian. I didn’t even think.”
“Jen, I don’t care. Take the kids. I’m just sayin’, he’s gettin’ you for holidays now too?”
“It’s a family holiday.”
Brian’s face lit up.
“I meant it’s not a romantic one. Jeez! It’s not like I’m spending Valenti
ne’s Day with him.”
Why was this a big deal? I wasn’t seeing the point he was trying to make.
My brother stared at me, considering my explanation. Then he cracked his neck from side to side like he was gearing up for a fight or to argue this until he was the only one left standing. That could take hours. I wouldn’t go down easily. My argument was solid, for the most part, but God, I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. What was the point? Nothing had happened between us. Nathan and I were friends. I hadn’t lied about that. And I didn’t want to dissect our situation any further, because I knew I’d look for things.
I’d put meaning into glances. I’d misinterpret. Or worse, I’d hope, more than I was already doing. I needed to stop this now.
“You know why I’m watching his daughter for him, right?” I asked, stepping closer to the counter. “Did Syd tell you?”
Brian lifted his chin. “Sad shit. I feel for the guy.”
“No, I mean…well, yes, of course, it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking what happened.” Pain knotted in the center of my chest. I hated even thinking about this. “And I might’ve offered to help just knowing about his wife, but it was more than that, Brian. You should see him with his daughter. He didn’t really know Marley at all when I stepped in, and it hurt him. He cares so much about her, and that meant something to me. To see that? Watching a father actually want to be a father…” I paused and looked over at the twins.
Oliver laughed at his sister when she stood on a board and pretended to ride a wave. She hopped off to switch places with him, and they high-fived each other. I smiled watching them, then turned back just in time to catch my brother admiring the scene as well. When his gaze slid over to me again, it had gentled considerably.
Interrogation over, thank God.
He scratched at the stubble on his jaw, then tipped his head at the twins. “Still no on the campout?”
I felt my shoulders sag and shook my head. “No. I think he just wants to skip it this year.”