Renegade

by Anna Schmidt

  “Lily?” he called when he was close.

  She stopped and waited for him to catch up. “It got late, and I thought maybe I had misunderstood or that maybe you weren’t coming,” she said, hugging herself with crossed arms. “I thought perhaps—”

  “I had to ride out to the Lombard place. It all took longer than I thought. I’m sorry, Lily.” He had reached her and was unsure whether to hold out his arms or simply fold her into his embrace. In the end, it didn’t matter. She took a step and so did he, and then they were together, her face turned up to his, her hands resting on his shoulders.

  He kissed her and then took her hand and climbed the rest of the way to the outcropping. The boulders hid them from town and at the same time opened a vista of mountains and sky that made them both smile. Cody lifted her onto a large, flat rock so that they were face-to-face. “Do you forgive me?” he asked. “For keeping you waiting and for causing you worry?”

  He stroked her cheek. She traced her thumb over his lower lip.

  “Not yet,” she said softly. “It’ll take more than one little kiss to make amends, I’m afraid.”

  He grinned. “I see,” he said huskily, and he feathered kisses along the line of her jaw. “Now?” He whispered the word against her ear and felt the shiver that rocketed through her.

  She shook her head.

  He climbed onto the rock and stretched out next to her, pulling her against him. Watching her for any sign of discomfort, he lightly traced the outline of her breasts with his fingers. She cupped the back of his neck, pulling him in for a kiss that made him forget everything except the feel of her body outlining his, the layers of clothing between them a barrier he would like to tear away with his bare hands. He shifted so she would not be aware of his erection pressing against her thigh. She tugged him back.

  “Lily, you don’t know…”

  “Then teach me,” she pleaded, and he realized she was as lost as he.

  But she also wasn’t a woman whose favors he might enjoy for a night. This was Lily, the woman he hoped to one day make his wife.

  He hesitated, and that was enough. Suddenly, she pushed away from him and sat up, twisting away so that her back was to him. “Sorry,” she murmured.

  Sorry? What did she have to be sorry for?

  “Lily, look at me,” he said as he gently took hold of her shoulder, turning her toward him. “I want you. All of you.”

  “But?”

  “But I love you, and if you love me in return, then we can wait until the time is right.”

  “And in the meantime, what am I supposed to do with all these…feelings?”

  He didn’t need to ask what she meant. “Well, maybe it’s not ideal, but kissing seems to help and maybe some touching that doesn’t get too…you know…”

  “And what if something happens to you?”

  “Like what?”

  She let out an exasperated sigh. “You could be shot, Cody, the way you’re determined to go off by yourself chasing down outlaws.”

  “Or I could round up a posse—as I did today—and put those outlaws permanently out of business.”

  “Or,” she insisted, “you could be shot.”

  It dawned on him that she might be thinking of Jake, another man in her life who’d thought he could handle things without help.

  “Lily,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her. “This is my job. I know how to do this. I promise you…”

  She was very still and silent, but at least she didn’t pull away.

  “Lily?”

  “I love you, Cody,” she whispered, “and if anything were to happen…”

  He kissed her before she could finish that thought. She clung to him and opened her mouth to him, and he was lost. Too soon, she pulled back. “All right,” she said.

  “All right?”

  “If there are ways we can…” She fumbled for words. “You mentioned touching?”

  Given that encouragement, he slowly opened the buttons of her jacket. She kept her eyes on his fingers as each button was freed. Once her jacket was open, the blouse she wore beneath was exposed. The thin fabric allowed him to feel the heat of her skin as he ran his fingers over her breast. She gasped and leaned into his touch, her eyes closed, her breath fanning his face.

  “Now you,” she whispered as she pulled his shirt free of his trousers, opened it, and placed her hand against his bare chest. He sat up and removed his shirt completely and waited for her to decide her next move. Using her fingertips, she explored the ridges of his muscles, pausing at his nipples before moving lower until she was touching the waistband of his trousers.

  Gently, he pulled her hand away. “No, Lily. Not there.”

  She hesitated, then opened her blouse and shrugged out of it. She placed his hand on her bare shoulder.

  “Do you know how beautiful you are?” He touched her throat, then looped his finger under the strap of her camisole, easing it off her shoulder, tugging it lower until the mound of her breast was exposed. He kissed her there, and she gasped, her head thrown back, exposing the length of her neck. He trailed more kisses up to her jaw and back again, nudging the camisole lower with his teeth until he felt the nub of her nipple against his lips.

  Stop now.

  But Lily tangled her fingers in his hair, urging him closer. By instinct, he reached for the edge of her skirt, bunching it higher. When he eased his fingers between her thighs though, she stiffened. “No,” she whispered, and then more forcefully, “No!” She pushed away from him, clutching her blouse to cover herself and tugging her skirt back down.

  Dazed and confused, Cody stared at her, then shifted away to give her space. “What is it?”

  But did he really need to ask? Victor Johnson, he thought, mentally cursing the man for what he’d done to her.

  “Lily, I’m not him.”

  “I know,” she said.

  “Look at me, darling girl.”

  Reluctantly, she did as he asked. While there was no moon, their eyes had grown accustomed to the dark, and he could tell she was looking directly at him. “Talk to me, Lily.”

  She pulled her camisole back into place and shoved her arms into the sleeves of her blouse, her hands and shoulders shaking.

  He pushed her fingers away and fastened the buttons for her. “Lily, there’s nothing you can say that will change what I feel for you. But I can see you need to get it told, so I’m listening.”

  “After my father died, my mother remarried.”

  “So you’ve said. The man was wealthy but strict.” He nudged her chin up with his forefinger so he could fasten the button at her throat. “He also came to your room, made you lie with him, but Lily, you said nothing happened.”

  “He didn’t…I never allowed him to…” She shook her head vehemently. “He didn’t do anything to me, Cody, but he insisted that I pleasure him.” The last two words were a whisper of pure shame.

  Cody wanted to wrap his arms around her, assure her no man would ever hurt her again, but she was clearly on the edge, so he settled for taking her hand between both of his. “It doesn’t matter. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

  It was as if he hadn’t spoken. “The day I left, I snuck into his study to take some money I knew he kept there. I didn’t realize he was in the house. He slammed the door, and when I tried to run, he grabbed my hair and twisted.”

  Her words came from somewhere cold and dead and not at all like Lily.

  “He pinned me against his desk—my father’s desk. He grabbed my breast with one hand, and as he leaned in to kiss me, I felt his hand…pushing my skirt higher, tugging at my… I knew then that this time, he wouldn’t stop.”

  She stared off into the dark as if living the moment all over again.

  Cody had never in his life wanted to kill a man the way he wanted to murder this stranger. He swallowed bi
le that stung his throat. “Lily? I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

  “Don’t apologize for him,” she rasped.

  “I’m not. I’m apologizing for my actions. For the coarse way I…for being no better than any man who allows his carnal urges to ride roughshod over his better self.”

  She released a long breath before facing him. “Cody, any way you look at this, I’m damaged goods. I love you, and for a moment, I thought my past might not matter after all, but it does, Cody. Inevitably, it will.”

  “Not to me,” he grumbled.

  She touched his cheek. “Let me finish. Your dream is to have a political career. I know some things about that life. My father was a state senator, and trust me, if his opponents could have dug up any scandals about him or my mother while he was alive, they would not have hesitated to use them.”

  “Lily, I don’t care about any of that.”

  “My past could destroy your future, Cody. I won’t be responsible for that.”

  He hopped down from the rock, leaving her sitting there. She watched him as he paced in circles, trying desperately to find the words that would persuade her to stop taking the blame for everything on her lovely shoulders.

  “I’m not Jake,” he blurted.

  “I know that.”

  “Jake loved you, but you didn’t share those feelings. You’ve said you love me. Was that a lie?”

  “No.” Her voice was barely audible.

  “Okay, that’s at least a place to start.” He continued pacing, then stopped. “And when we kiss, you feel something too. Something that obliterates everything and everyone but the two of us, right?”

  “Yes, but—”

  He held up a hand to stop her from saying more, climbed back onto the rock, and sat cross-legged in front of her. He took her hands. “Lily, the one thing we both know is nothing in this world is certain. All we have to work with is the here and now. So here and now, we love each other. We want each other in every way a man and woman can want since Adam and Eve first made love in the garden.”

  “That’s all true, but…”

  “Stop saying ‘but’ and give yourself a chance to be happy, Lily. Give us a chance to see where this love takes us.”

  She stared at his hands entwined with hers. “I’m afraid,” she admitted.

  “Afraid of what? Me?”

  She shook her head. “Afraid to be happy,” she whispered. “I’ve thought before that…”

  He tugged her closer and wrapped his arms around her. “Lily, darlin’, this is now. This is me.” He felt her relax slightly, her face resting in the curve of his neck. “Will you think about it? About us figuring out life together? I won’t push you, I promise.”

  Her arms snaked around his waist as she cuddled closer. “I’ll think about it,” she whispered.

  For some time, they sat that way, their backs to a rounded boulder, their arms around each other, her head resting on his shoulder, as they watched the moon climb higher in the starlit sky.

  “Cody?” she murmured after a while. She looked up at him. “I think this might be a good time for you to kiss me.”

  He heard the teasing tone in her voice, knew she was trying to lighten the mood, and recognized it for the peace offering it was. Before their conversation, he would have happily kissed her with all the pent-up passion he carried with him day in and night out. But this woman had been wounded, and he would not give in to his baser needs. Instead, he would start showing her what true love could be.

  “I’d like that,” he said and tilted her face so that he could touch her lips with his. When she opened to him, he slid the kiss to her chin, her cheeks, her closed eyes. “We should go,” he whispered.

  She nodded. “Thank you,” she whispered as she held him a moment longer.

  He stood, jumped down from the rock, and then lifted her to stand beside him. “No need to thank me, darlin’ girl. The way I see it, tonight I just got permission to court the prettiest girl in all New Mexico, and I don’t aim to mess that up.”

  Their arms wrapped around each other’s waists, they made their way back to the hotel.

  “Tomorrow?” he asked when they reached the kitchen door.

  “Yes.” She kissed his cheek and slipped inside. Cody stood outside the closed door for a moment. One day, his question would be not about a single day but the rest of their lives.

  And with any luck at all, her answer would still be yes.

  Chapter 13

  Lily and Cody saw each other every night for a week. At her request, they did not return to their special place. “Maybe one day,” she promised, “but for now—”

  “Got it,” he said. Instead, they took walks through town, sat on the hotel veranda with Nick and Grace, and one night attended a concert on the plaza. On these occasions, Cody held her hand, kissed her good night when they parted, and asked nothing more of her than the opportunity to know her better.

  “Do you have brothers and sisters?” he asked one night as they sat together on the veranda.

  “Two older brothers. You?”

  “A twin sister.”

  She laughed. “You mean there are two of you? I can hardly deal with one.”

  He laughed.

  “Where does your sister live?”

  “She married a man who has made a career in the army, so they move around a lot. Right now, they’re at a fort in Colorado.”

  “Do they have children?”

  “Yep.”

  “You’re an uncle?” It was a detail that made her look at Cody in a new way. She imagined him with children of his own. He would be a wonderful father, kind and patient.

  “I’m an uncle four times over,” he replied. “What about your brothers? Married? Kids?”

  “We lost touch once our mother remarried. They didn’t approve of her new husband—they were right, as it turned out. They were older and left before the wedding. Garson went east for university and then stayed. He’s a doctor now, married with two children.”

  “And your other brother?”

  “R. J. is the adventurer in our family. He headed to California. I had a letter from each of them at Christmastime.”

  “So they know you’re here?”

  She shrugged. “They do, but I’m afraid none of us is much for writing.”

  He hesitated, then asked, “And your mother?”

  Lily felt something harden in her chest. “She and I parted ways.”

  “Tell me, Lily,” Cody said softly. “Let it out.” He uncurled her fingers from the fist she hadn’t realized she’d clenched and ran his thumb across her palm.

  “The day he…the day I left, Mama was at church. She often went there even during the week. On my way to the train station, I stopped to tell her what had happened—why I was leaving. She’d become so quiet and withdrawn at home, I thought she would understand. I thought she’d come to realize the mistake she’d made.”

  She saw it all as clearly as if it had been yesterday. Her mother seated alone in the sanctuary. Lily sliding into the pew beside her, tears streaming down her face, her hair a tangled mess she hadn’t stopped to repair, her blouse torn where he’d grabbed her.

  Her mother had sat stock-still while she poured out her story. And instead of consoling her daughter, Marjorie Travis Worthington had continued to stare straight ahead, her fingers working the beads of her rosary. And when Lily clutched her mother’s arm, the woman she thought was her refuge had shaken her off, stood, and left the church without a word.

  “Once I arrived in Kansas City, I sent her a letter to let her know I was safe and how she could reach me.”

  “Did you receive an answer?”

  Lily released a mirthless laugh. “Oh yes. Several pages long. She wrote that she had spoken to my stepfather, and he was sorry for having lost his temper. She wrote that he’d descri
bed my ‘hysterics’ and, after all, everyone knew that from childhood on, I had always been prone to lies and fabrications. Still, she said, my stepfather was a good Christian man and willing to forgive. If I could see the error of my ways and make a full apology to him, they would welcome me back with open arms.” She turned to face him. “I did not send a reply, needless to say. And to this day, I have not heard another word from her.”

  Cody wrapped his arm around her, and she relished the warmth of his embrace, the simple act of a touch that held no demands, just comfort. She rested her cheek against his shoulder. “Tell me about your parents, Cody.”

  “My folks? Nothing unusual. They met while their families were headed west on a wagon train. They were really just two kids who fell in love. Eventually, they married and set up housekeeping in a little town outside Flagstaff. They opened a store, sort of like Tucker’s mercantile here. We lived in town until I started working for the army and Molly met her soldier boy. Pretty basic.”

  “Sounds wonderful.”

  “Yeah. I always thought one day I’d follow in their footsteps—not the store, of course. I don’t have the patience to run a shop.” He chuckled, then shifted so that he was looking at her. “But the girl of my dreams and kids and a house filled with laughter and love? That part.” He leaned in and kissed her, a long, sweet kiss. “Found the girl,” he murmured. “Pretty sure the rest will come along.”

  She kissed one of the dimples that had been her undoing from the first day she saw him. “Pretty cocky, aren’t you, Sheriff Daniels?”

  He grinned and tightened his hold on her, drawing her against him. “I always get my man. Or in this case, Miss Travis, my woman.” He nibbled her ear. “Lily?” he whispered.

  “Hmm?” She was lost in the feel of his breath warm against her face, his arms holding her.

  “I’ve filed the necessary papers to run for territorial representative. If I get elected, I won’t be sheriff any longer. Even if I don’t get elected, I was thinking I’d like to try some other line of work.”