Fighting Absolution

by Kate McCarthy

  “Great, thanks,” he barks, clearly agitated. “But I already know that.”

  “I’ll go look for her. If I find her, I’ll let you know.”

  “Thanks. If she comes home, I’ll let you know too.”

  I hang up, tucking my phone back in my pocket. I start the engine of my bike and put my helmet on before pealing back out of the carport.

  I’m furious with Wood. So fucking mad I can barely see straight. He should know better than to talk about it with Erin before saying anything to Jamie. It would constitute the worst kind of betrayal in her current state of mind.

  I make my way down dark, quiet streets until I find myself in a familiar neighbourhood. My bike comes to a stop outside Jamie’s old house. Sue’s place. I switch off the engine and tug my helmet free, swinging my leg over and climbing off. It’s quiet, no lights on to indicate anyone’s awake. I make my way around the back of the house, a flood of nostalgia sweeping me up and carrying me away.

  Jamie’s right. She did burn the fence down. The one in its place isn’t new anymore, but it’s different—the timber a little darker, the posts a little lower than they used to be. The big tree she sat near is still there, the branches overhanging the house behind it where I used to live, where I watched my mother die.

  Jesus.

  I swallow the lump in my throat and force myself to look around. She’s not here, so I leave quickly.

  After getting back on my bike, I try the beach next, the place where we had our picnic two weeks ago. We’ve been back since, swimming. There are good memories here, but no Jamie.

  Think, Brooks. Where the hell would she be?

  Knowing Jamie, she’s likely in the one place I wouldn’t expect her to be.

  Walking to the parking lot from the beach, I climb back on my bike and make my way to Karrakatta Cemetery over in Nedlands. It’s only minutes from Campbell Barracks. I would have driven straight past her. When I pull into the parking lot, I see Erin’s car and relief loosens the knot of tension in the back of my neck.

  The cemetery is incredibly large, the grounds containing hundreds of war graves, some dating back to the First World War, and the Vietnam War. I make my way on foot until I’m not far from where Jake was laid to rest mere weeks ago. I come to a stop. She’s there, sitting cross-legged beside the freshly turned earth, though I barely recognise her, even from behind. Her long hair is straight, hanging in a sleek dark sheet down her back. Her torso is wrapped in a strapless black and lace top that could be mistaken for underwear. Slim black pants cover her legs, and heels sit in a haphazard pile of buckles and straps on the grass beside her.

  She’s saying something. I hear her voice drifting towards me but not the words. Lifting a vodka bottle, she takes a generous swig before tipping a little onto the turned earth.

  My eyes burn. She’s saying goodbye.

  I should go but I can’t leave her like this. I walk a little closer and a twig snaps beneath my feet. I freeze to the ground.

  Jamie turns and my breath lodges in my throat. Her face is made up like I’ve never seen, her eyes smoky and dark, reminding me that she isn’t just one of my best friends, she’s also an incredibly beautiful woman. One who’s hurting. Her expression is lost as she tries to focus on me, mascara tracking down her cheeks in a messy trail of tears.

  “Bear?” she croaks, squinting in the dark. “Is that you?”

  My jaw locks hard, grief a tidal wave that seems to rise up out of nowhere, swamping me. “It’s me.”

  “Well don’t just stand there like a giant lump.” She slurs her words a little. “Come have a drink with me and Jake.”

  I walk over, dropping down on the damp ground beside her. It rained earlier this morning. Moisture clings to the grass and soaks into the ass of my jeans.

  Jamie holds out the vodka and then narrows her eyes, snatching it back, hugging it to her chest as if it’s liquid gold. “Unless you plan on being a pooper party and … wait.” Her nose scrunches up. “A pooper party. No. Party pooper,” she says with a sense of victory, jabbing her finger at me.

  “Give me the vodka, Jamie.”

  She hands it over slowly, her expression wary.

  I snatch the bottle. My rational self tells me to take it, and Jamie, and get the hell out of here. But fuck it. I bring the bottle to my lips and tip it back, throat working as I guzzle down a massive mouthful.

  Jamie whoops and snatches the bottle back while I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, the high-quality alcohol burning its way down my throat. She tips the bottle towards Jake’s grave marker. “To my first love,” she slurs before taking a hefty gulp. Jamie hands it back to me. “My first kiss. My first everything.”

  An odd twinge hits me in the gut. “Jake was your first?”

  “Yep.” She giggles, a bright drunk sound that cuts through the quiet night. “Don’t I look hot? This outfit is just like the one I wore when I met him for the first time in some random bar.”

  I take another swig from the bottle. And another. “You look …” Broken. So beautiful and broken it makes me ache.

  “Hot. Right?” Jamie attempts a wink and just ends up tipping over with a shriek and a giggle. She stays flat on her back, her eyes on the sky. “Erin dressed me that night. I wanted to look like I knew what I was do—” She hiccups. “Doing. I wanted to lose my virginity before joining the army,” she sing-songs before giggling again and turning her head to look at me. “And Jake, well he knew exactly what he was doing,” she croons. “I couldn’t have picked a better man if I’d tried.”

  “Jamie,” I start and stop.

  She squints one eye. “What?”

  I don’t know. Her confession makes me feel weird. I’m glad it was Jake and not some sleazy asshole, but the image of someone else touching her … My mind rejects it like a hot poker is prodding me in the gut. I shake my head, confused. “Nothing.”

  I take a long swig of the bottle, drinking down more than one mouthful. It works. Warmth spreads through my belly and down to my limbs, making the odd sensation disappear.

  Jamie’s eyes return to the sky. “Wood is leaving the army, Kyle. Did you know?” She stretches her arms up high, giving the world a double-thumbs-up. “Good for him,” she slurs. “Him and Erin. You were right. They were playing hide-the-sausage and now they have each other, and I have no one.”

  “Wood is an asshole.”

  “Yes!” Then she slaps a hand to her forehead and rises awkwardly from the grass. “Wait. No.” Jamie shakes her head. “No pity parties allowed. Jake would be pissed.”

  “That’s my girl. Look at you.” I tip the bottle back again. “Growing up into a smart young lady.”

  She snorts. “You’re such a dick.”

  “At least I’m a funny dick, unlike you.”

  “Oh, hey now.” Jamie crawls over to me on her hands and knees. “No need to be mean.”

  She snatches the bottle and loses her balance, falling into my lap, a pile of hair and limbs, one of which elbows me in the gut. “Ooof.”

  Jamie rolls and looks up at me. “It’s okay, though. You know why?” She gestures me close, putting a hand to the side of her mouth as if she’s going to tell me a secret. I dip my head down, my face close to hers. “I don’t need anyone,” she whispers and then giggles. “Wait, that’s not it. Nobody needs me,” she corrects. “But that’s okay. Don’t feel sorry for me, Bear,” she slurs, reaching up to slap my cheek. “I’m tougher than old leather.” She takes a swig from the bottle and splutters, sitting up, bits of grass clinging to the sleek strands of her hair.

  I take the vodka and tip it back, almost finishing it off in one go.

  “Make sure you leave some for Jake!”

  I stop, my chest burning as the alcohol spreads through my veins. Stretching out my arm, I upend the bottle over the freshly turned earth. My head hangs low as the last mouthful sinks into the ground. I swallow and rise to my feet, a little unsteady. I can handle my liquor. Usually. But that was a lot downed in a short
amount of time.

  Jamie sets a hand down on the dirt, her fingers digging in a little. “Goodbye, Jake.” Her voice cracks, and she takes a moment, closing her eyes. “See you on the other side.”

  Goddammit. Tears blur my vision as I reach out a hand.

  Jamie takes it, standing, and she looks at me.

  “Bear?” she whispers. “Are you okay?”

  My jaw works. “I’m fine.”

  Jamie

  I might have had a bit too much to drink, but I’m not blind. Kyle is not fine. He doesn’t brush my question off with a funny joke or a cheeky smile. Instead, he’s tense and unsteady, and I’ve been so wrapped up in my own grief, I haven’t been there for him at all. Not one little bit.

  “Kyle.” A lump of shame lodges in my throat. I’ve been so stupid. So damn stupid. Kyle is just like me. Strong on the outside yet bruised on the inside, where no one can see. Not unless they look deep below the surface, and I’ve barely even looked beyond myself.

  “You keep talking like nobody needs you, Little Warrior, but I do. I need you.”

  I slide my arms around his middle, sobering a little. Instead of pulling me close, his own arms hang loose by his side. I press the side of my face to his chest. It’s hard and warm, and he smells of motorcycle grease and a little sweat. I don’t care. It’s more comforting than chicken soup on a rainy day. “I’m here.”

  He shudders in my hold.

  “I’m here, Kyle.”

  He pulls me to him, his arms slowly winding their way around me until he’s holding me so tight I can barely breathe. He tucks his chin on the top of my head, his voice gruff. “You leave in two days.” I feel the rumble of his chest against my face as he speaks. It’s oddly soothing.

  “I know, but I’m not going anywhere, okay? I might be leaving, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  Kyle lifts me until we’re eye level, my legs dangling from the ground. I look at his face as if seeing it for the first time. He looks tired and a little worn at the edges. There are crinkles around his eyes, as if he laughs hard and often. His face is tan, his beard short, and his expression stoic. It’s the face of a man who’s experienced the worst and the best of what the world has thrown at him and come out the other side stronger, still holding on to the belief that happiness exists. That there’s something better out there just waiting for him to reach out and grab it.

  “It’s you and me, Little Warrior.” His voice chokes and tears start rolling down my face. My heart aches. It aches for him. It aches for his mother, who will never know the man her boy grew up to be. Someone who’s fighting hard to let go of the hurt, and the loss, hiding the battle inside him like the soldier he was trained to be. “You and me against the world.”

  I nod, my hands cupping his soft, bearded jaw. “You and me, Bear.”

  He nods in return. “Where do we go from here?”

  “Right now?” The thought of going back to Erin’s apartment ties my stomach in a knot. I’m not ready to face them yet. “I don’t know, but I’m not ready to go to sleep, and we’re all out of vodka.”

  He sets me down. “I’ve got an idea.”

  Kyle

  We leave our respective rides behind and take a cab along Marine Parade, pulling to a stop in the parking lot by Cottesloe Beach. Patrons spill from the hotel across the road, raucous laughter and loud voices echoing down the street.

  “Good thinking,” Jamie says, lurching out of the cab while I pay the driver, spiky heels dangling from her fingers. “I love this place.”

  I shut the door and grab her shoulders, turning so she faces the beach. Waves crash against the shore, the whitewash bright in the darkness. “Not another bar.” I point towards the sand. “Let’s just hang out for a while.”

  She turns back towards the hotel. “With a six-pack at least. Don’t be a party pooper, Kyle.”

  “Don’t you mean a pooper party?”

  “Har har.” Jamie totters across the road in her bare feet, dodging a passing car and a rowdy group of people. “Hey, baby,” one of the men in the group calls out to her. “Come say hi.”

  She doesn’t even hear him with the way she’s motoring across the path towards the entrance. “Say hi to this,” I growl, giving him the finger as I stalk past their group. If only Ryan could see me now. He’d probably piss himself laughing.

  I find Jamie sitting on the ground by the entryway, her expression heartbroken as she tries to buckle her shoes. She looks up at my approach. “They won’t let me in with bare feet, Kyle,” she whines, glaring at the bouncer as if he’s single-handedly ruining her life.

  “Stubborn little donkey,” I mutter, knowing I’d have better luck pushing a snowball up a hill than tell her what to do. I sigh a heavy sigh and crouch, helping her buckle the fiddly little straps. “There.”

  I pull her to her feet, and we buy the damn six-pack. She already has a beer in hand when we cross the street, the lid flicked off and bottle to her lips. A car comes flying towards us, careening unsteadily on the road. “Shit!” I slam an arm hard across Jamie’s chest, shoving her back as it shifts direction at the last second, accelerating as it passes us. The occupants whoop and laugh, and a familiar male sticks his head out, waving his middle finger. “Say hi to that, asshole!”

  “Immature little fuckers,” I growl.

  “Hey, dude!” someone yells from behind us. “That was some shit! You two okay?”

  I turn and wave the good Samaritan off, adrenaline knocking around in my chest. “All good, mate.”

  Jamie’s face is pale. “What the hell was that?”

  I take her hand and lead her across the road. “That was you being drunk and not paying attention to your surroundings.”

  She blinks. “Are you saying that was my fault?”

  My nostrils flare. I have the patience of a saint when it comes to this woman. “No, Jamie. I’m simply pointing out that the asshole population is out in force tonight and you’re completely oblivious.” Christ, she could have been hit and flung metres down the road. I rub at my chest. Is this what a heart attack feels like?

  Jamie purses her lips. “Whatever.”

  We reach the sand, and she sets her beer on the grass, bending at the waist to unbuckle her shoes. The bottle tips, its contents spilling out in a foamy mess as she teeters, almost tipping until I grab her by the shoulders.

  “Right on, Bear.”

  “Sit your ass down.”

  “Well, geez, since you asked so nicely.” She plonks her butt on the grass, and once again I’m crouched at her feet. Only this time I’m smart enough to toss the heels far and wide once I get them off.

  “Hey!”

  “Fuck those fucking shoes.”

  Jamie stares off in the direction they disappeared in, her mouth falling open. I can’t help but laugh at her shocked expression. She shoves at my knees, and I go down backwards in the sand, a deep belly laugh ripping out of me until I’m gasping for air. Jamie rises up and over me. Her hair spills down and tickles me in the face. “You just threw my shoes.”

  “I know. And I’d do it again too.”

  Her mouth opens and closes like a fish. Then she starts to snort and splutter, and it sets me off again, which is how I find myself at three a.m., half-drunk and lying in the sand, laughing my ass off as Jamie sits on top of me, cackling like a crazy loon.

  “Kyle?” She leans down, her small calloused palms brushing at my cheeks. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t cry.”

  I wipe at my face, finding it wet with tears. “Ahhh fuck. I’m okay.”

  Her own eyes water, and her words slur a little. “It’s okay to not be okay.”

  “Then let’s not be okay, together, okay?”

  Jamie squints, her brows pulling into puzzled lines as she tries to make sense of what I just said. Then her expression suddenly clears. “I’ve got a great idea.” She jumps up, a sudden energetic bean. “Let’s go swimming.”

  She reaches behind h
er back with a grunt, arms straining as I rise to a sitting position. Suddenly her little black top is off and flying at my face.

  “Jamie, what the fuck?” I catch a flash of a lacy black strapless bra before she’s off and running towards the shoreline. “Oh shit.” Reckless little turkey. She’ll end up drowning in those monster waves.

  I’m up and running in the blink of an eye, peeling off my shirt and tossing it behind me. “Jamie!”

  I’m getting close when she stops, hopping about as she tugs off her pants. They drop in the small surge of water. It leaves her in nothing but a tiny black lace thong, baring her round, toned ass to the chilly night air.

  I peel off my jeans before diving in after her, catching my breath at the shock of cold. She surfaces, hair plastered to her face and makeup smeared beneath her eyes, somehow making her look even more badass and mysterious than she did before. Her teeth chatter and her arms hug her front, covering her pretty chest. “Fuck, it’s cold.”

  “C’mere,” I tell her, rising to keep my head clear as a wave crests over us.

  Jamie wades towards me. I fold her up in my arms, and she presses her face into my neck, clutching at my shoulders. “Whose stupid idea was it to go swimming?”

  I laugh but it’s a little strained. There’s a half-naked woman pressed against me and a bright hot jittery feeling in my stomach that I can’t make sense of. My voice comes out a little strangled. “We should get out.”

  “We should,” Jamie agrees, except she doesn’t move and neither do I. We just stand there wrapped together, waves crashing over us, teeth chattering and goose bumps on our skin.

  “Kyle?” Her voice is soft. She pulls back to look at me. “Can I ask you a favour?”

  “Anything.”

  “Don’t come see me off at the airport when I leave.”

  My brows pull together. “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to get on the plane if you’re there. I can’t take another goodbye right now.”

  I nod slowly, freeing a hand from around her waist to swipe water from my face. “If that’s what you want.”