If I Fall

by Amber Thielman

  “You know I’m a mechanic,” said Jay. “Why?”

  “My car is being dumb.” I switched the gear into drive and cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder, accidentally laying my elbow on the horn as I did so. The blast echoed down the street, and I looked around, wondering if I’d alerted any night-shift cops on the prowl.

  “Are you driving?” Jay asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Are you drunk?”

  “I plead the fifth.”

  “Khloe, you need to—”

  “I didn’t call for a lecture.” I pulled onto the main road, in the direction of Jesse’s house, ignoring the whine of my car’s engine. “I just wanted to ask if you’d look at Missus Betty.”

  “Who?”

  “My car!”

  “Oh, yeah, sure,” Jay said. “But you need to turn around and go home. Sleep it off.”

  “I’m losing you, Jay!” I called. “You’re breaking up. Chat later, okay?”

  “Khloe, don’t…”

  I snapped the phone shut and tossed it onto the seat next to me, annoyed. A moment later, I saw it light up from the corner of my eye, but I ignored it, instead focusing on the blurry lines painted on the road.

  I pulled into Jesse’s place a moment later, a dumpy apartment complex in a ghetto neighborhood. Brown paint peeled from the walls, garbage was strewn around the lot, and a mean-looking rottweiler barked fiercely behind a fenced yard. From the parking lot, I could see Jesse’s apartment window lit up, and from where I stood, I could even hear the music pounding from the speakers. Ignoring missed calls from Jay, I dialed Ava’s number once more and listened to it ring, hoping I wouldn’t have to go up and find her. I wasn’t happy with Ava, and I especially wasn’t happy with Jesse. But, when she didn’t answer, again, I slipped the phone into my pocket and trudged forward, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to leave without her.

  The elevator was old and rickety, smelling of dirty socks and wet dog. A few times, I was certain I would vomit in one of the already-soiled corners, but I managed to make it out of the elevator and onto the solid floor before I lost it all over the stained hallway carpet. I supported myself against the wall trying to catch my breath, wiping the bile from my lips. Once composed, I followed the noise down the hallway and wound up in front of Jesse’s door. I hesitated, wondering if I should knock or just go in. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Jesse after his dealer had kicked the shit out of me in the alleyway. Jesse had refused to show his face. He was a coward, and I was angry. Seeing him tonight was the one thing I had wanted to avoid. If I couldn’t do that, maybe punching him in the face would be appropriate.

  I reached for the door handle and pushed it open, nudging my way past a drunk redhead who had her tongue down the throat of some jock. Closing the door behind me, I stopped to survey the mess of people crammed into the living room. I had barely sidestepped the redhead only to narrowly avoid a drunken girl in a slutty tank top who nearly plowed into me. I stopped and looked around, trying to clear my head, hoping to spot Ava so I could grab her and bail. My friend was nowhere to be seen, but Jesse was, and we spotted each other at the same time. For a fleeting moment, I almost turned and bolted, but I forced myself to stay there and face him.

  “Khloe!” he shouted over the noise. I watched him swim through the crowd of sweaty people, a drink and cigarette both balancing in one hand. He got in my face, smelling of sweat and booze. “Are you mad at me?” he slurred. His eyes were bloodshot, breath reeking of booze. I knew I didn’t look much better, but at least I was sobering to the point of being able to stand up straight.

  “Get out of my way, Jesse.” I pushed past him, feeling my temper begin to boil. He followed, of course, like a scorned puppy dog. If I could have kicked him, I would have.

  “Khloe, please.” He grabbed hold of my arm, his fingers digging into the sensitive flesh of my skin. I tensed up as the pain of my injuries intensified. “Let me explain,” he said. I whirled on him then, feeling ready to burst.

  “Explain what?” I snapped. “Your dealer kicked my ass because apparently, you owe money. What else is there to explain?”

  “I’m so sorry,” Jesse said, but he didn’t look sorry. He looked drunk. He looked high. He looked out of it. His eyes were glazed over, breath lingering with the scent of booze and marijuana. I flinched, trying to pull away.

  “Where’s Ava?”

  “Khloe, please, just hear me out.”

  “I said, where the fuck is Ava?” Jesse released me, taking a tiny step back. That was an excellent idea on his part as I was about to go for his crotch, even if I already was bruised, battered, and ready to fall over.

  “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “She’s been around. The last time I saw her, I think she was headed to the bathroom.”

  “Thanks.” I dropped my hands to my side and turned to go. “Please, Jesse. Just leave me alone, okay? The next time I see you or one of your dealers, I’ll call the police.” I didn’t hear any sort of answer as I bolted up the stairs in search of Ava. The hallway and stairs were crowded, and I shoved people out of the way. The bathroom door was closed and locked, and there was a blonde bimbo standing outside of it, legs crossed desperately as though she were about to piss herself.

  “Is someone in there?” I asked. She nodded, juggling her purse and drink in one hand. I rapped on the door. “Ava?” There was no answer, only the running of water from either the sink or the bathtub. I knocked harder. “Ava? It’s me. It’s Khloe. Are you ready to go home?”

  Silence.

  For a long, painfully vivid moment, I was back in Carter’s apartment, greeted by an eerie silence and the harsh sensations of doom. The sick, nauseated feeling I’d had that night was back. My hand dropped from the doorknob. It was trembling. All at once, a million thoughts crossed my mind, jumbled and confused thoughts—horrified thoughts.

  “Are you all right?” the blonde girl asked. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

  “I…” I faltered, hoping I wouldn’t barf all over the stranger’s pink tank top. Instead of answering, I turned away from her, my eyes scanning the hallway for someone who might be able to help. “Hey, you!” I called, my eyes landing on a guy with bulging muscles and a beefy face. “I think something is wrong in there.” I pointed at the door as he approached. “Can you help me get this open?” The guy hesitated briefly and then made a personal effort to knock on the door as though I hadn’t tried that first. After a few more seconds, when there was no answer from the other side, we all stood back as the guy lodged himself up against the bathroom door. Once. Twice.

  Crack.

  The lock snapped, wood splintered, and the door flew open, slamming with violent force against the bathroom wall. Dizzy with fear, I pushed the onlookers aside and stepped into the bathroom. The water in the sink was running hot, steam rising to fog the mirror. I looked down. Down, at the limp, pale body on the floor.

  Carter.

  No. Ava.

  “Oh, Christ. Fuck.” I fell to my knees, reaching automatically to feel for a pulse. Her skin was cold against mine. I held my breath, feeling for the thump of her heart. “Someone call 911!” I screamed. The blonde girl holding a drink in one hand and a cell phone in the other appeared at the open door, her eyes wide with horror.

  “Oh, God,” she said. “Is she—”

  “Call an ambulance. Now!” I pulled my fingers back from Ava’s neck and leaned down near her face, trying to remember everything I had ever learned in CPR and first aid. I hadn’t acted quickly enough with Carter, and that may have been the reason he died. I wouldn’t let it happen again. I couldn’t.

  Check for a pulse.

  Check for breathing.

  There was nothing. Behind me, the girl had finally snapped out of her trance and was holding the phone to her ear, crying into it. I stood for half a second to yank it from her hands before falling back in front of Ava.

  “What do I do?” I aske
d the operator. “I can’t feel a pulse, and I don’t think she’s breathing.”

  “The paramedics are on their way, but you need to start compressions,” she said. “Hands in the middle of the chest, between the nipples. Thirty pumps, two breaths.” I handed the phone back to the girl and leaned over Ava, almost certain that she was already dead. I was too late.

  Again.

  “Come on, Ava.” Up and down my palms pushed into the center of her chest, bringing no relief or reaction. After thirty compressions, I tilted her chin back and breathed into her mouth. I saw her chest rise and fall, but it was only with my breaths. Heart racing, I tried again.

  One, two.

  “Is she alive?” the girl sobbed behind me.

  “Come on, Ava.” Another ten compressions. Twenty. Thirty.

  One, two.

  I didn’t want to stop. I feared if I did, then that would be it. She would be with Carter. She would be gone. I would be alone. I couldn’t stop. Not now. Not when she still had a chance.

  “Breathe, Ava,” I shouted, my breath squeezing from the exertion of pounding her chest. I reached for the point on her neck and rested two fingers there again, praying to whoever was listening.

  One, two…

  Thadump.

  Thadump.

  “Fuck.” My hand fell from her neck, quivering. Behind me, the medics pushed their way through the crowd of people, joining me on the floor in the bathroom.

  “What are the chances?” Ty asked, falling to his knees beside Ava so he could take a pulse.

  “Let’s load her,” his partner instructed. I scooted back against the wall, my knees drawn to my chin as the paramedics got to work, checking again for a pulse and breath sounds before administering oxygen. I watched them load her onto the gurney, working quickly and calmly. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak.

  “Ava,” Ty said. “It’s me. It’s Ty. We’re here the help you.” She didn’t respond, didn’t even stir. I put my head in my hands, frozen in fear, wondering if she would somehow die en-route to the ER. As the medics cleared the room for the cot to get through, Ty looked back at me. “Good job,” he said. “You may have saved her life.”

  The world seemed to be moving in slow motion. There was a buzzing in my head, the kind of sound that was unshakable. It was so intense I couldn’t hear myself think. Jesse stood behind me in the yard, alongside a small group of disoriented people still holding their red cups of booze. Most of them looked shaken, but others didn’t seem to care one way or the other, and that infuriated me. Had it been a close friend of one of theirs, maybe the reaction would be genuine.

  “Christ,” Jesse said. “Fucking Christ.” I nodded, trembling, ready to keel over on the lawn. Ty and his partner, Michelle, I think that was her name, passed us with the gurney, loading Ava into the back of the ambulance.

  “I have to go with her,” I said. The voice I heard was not mine. It was unrecognizable, part panic, part terror. “I have to go with her.”

  “Yeah,” Jesse agreed. “Yeah. Yes. You should.”

  “I…” I faltered, digging in my pocket for the keys. The ordeal had sobered me up quite a bit. The buzz was gone, replaced with a chill I couldn’t seem to warm.

  “You okay to drive?” Jesse asked, like he fucking cared. Ty looked back at me as Michelle got into the front of the cab and flicked the lights and siren on.

  “She’s not driving,” he said. His face was stony. “You can ride with us to the ER.”

  “I have to go,” I said to Jesse. My hands were still shaking as Ty pointed to the cab of the ambulance.

  “Not back here,” he said. “Ride up front with Michelle. I’ll take care of Ava, okay?” I nodded because I knew there was no fighting it. I wasn’t sure I could stomach seeing Ava so sick, anyway.

  “He’ll do everything he can for your friend,” Michelle said as we headed in the direction of the hospital. In the back of the ambulance, I heart Ty speaking softly to Ava between the beeps of the monitors and machines, but there was never any answer on her end. I took out my cell phone, hand still shaking. There were three more missed calls from Jay. I dialed his number, knowing I couldn’t leave him hanging after how I’d treated him earlier.

  “Khloe?” he said after the first ring. “Are you okay?” He didn’t sound like he’d been sleeping this time but sounded wide awake—anxious—as if he’d been waiting to hear from me. Guilt swam over me, churning with the panic and terror already filling every inch of my being.

  “It’s Ava.” I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath, wondering if she would still be alive when we finally got to the hospital. “Something has happened.”

  Jay met me there in fifteen minutes, dressed in sweats and a white t-shirt. His hair was tousled, his expression masking one of worry. He took my hand outside the doors of the ER, and I had to hold onto his arm to push myself through the front doors without falling to the floor in a heaping mess. Ava had been alive when Ty and Michelle took her in, but barely. I was terrified to ask and scared to know how she was now. When we’d arrived, Ty shouted at me to stay in the waiting room, and he hadn’t been back out.

  “What if she’s…” I paused, unable to choke out the words. Jay’s hold tightened on my arm, and I wanted to break down into sobs. Inside the waiting room, the air was still and eerie, like death. A mother with her sick-looking kid sat in the corner, gazing up at the television with a tired expression on her face. On the other side of the room, an elderly man and his wife looked to be half asleep. Aside from them, the place was empty. We approached the front desk, where an ornery looking older woman with glasses and curly hair looked up at us.

  “Can I help you?”

  “My friend… I… she…” I failed to find anything to say, choking on the words I couldn’t bring myself to say.

  “A friend of ours was just brought in,” said Jay. He stepped up, squeezing my hand.

  “Ava Caldera,” I said. “Overdose.” My voice sounded high-pitched and squeaky. The woman turned back to her computer and typed something in. As we waited, my legs began to shake again, and I had to hold onto Jay to keep from falling.

  “She’s in with the doctor now,” the receptionist said, and a breath of relief lifted from where it had been pressing on my lungs.

  “But she’s okay?” I confirmed.

  “She’s stable now, but I don’t know any more information.”

  “Can we see her?” Jay asked.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “Not now. The doctor will want to keep an eye on her overnight.”

  “That’s fine,” Jay said before I could reply. “We’ll come back in the morning.” He steered me out of the waiting room and back into the cool of the night, and I didn’t fight him. Part of me was relieved that they wouldn’t let us see her tonight as I wasn’t sure I would have been able to keep it together.

  “Thanks for coming in there with me.” I stopped and looked up at the dark sky, taking a deep breath, allowing the air to soothe my tear-stained face. Jay nodded, his hands in the pockets of his sweats, hair falling into his eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. I took a second breath and dropped my gaze to his.

  “I will be.”

  “I’m not sure you should be alone tonight,” he said. As I watched him, hands in his pockets, a sad look flitted across his face. I couldn’t agree more. I was glad he’d spoken. I don’t know what I would have done without Jay there.

  “Hey, Khloe,” Ty called. “Wait up.” I turned around and saw him heading in our direction, medic bag slung over one shoulder. He jogged forward and stopped in front of me.

  “Ava,” I said, feeling the panic rise. “Is she…”

  “No, she’s fine,” Ty said quickly. He smiled at Jay, but only briefly. “She’s okay thanks to you. She was lucky.”

  “That’s one way to put it.” I folded my arms and leaned back against Jay’s car, shivering in the cold. Jay slid into the driver’s side of the car to c
rank on the heat and waited patiently.

  “For what it’s worth, I think you’d make an amazing doctor,” Ty said. He smiled, a tiny dimple in his right cheek appearing. “Is it something your boyfriend would support you in?” His eyes flashed to the other side of the car where Jay was jamming to something on the radio. I couldn’t help it. I laughed.

  “Jay isn’t my boyfriend,” I said. “He’s just a good friend. I think you’re more his type than I am.” Ty flushed, but he seemed almost relieved.

  “So, you’re fair game then?” he asked. I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

  “You don’t give up, do you?”

  “Not when it’s something I want,” he admitted. He shrugged sheepishly, and I had the overwhelming desire to lean over and kiss him.

  “We come from different sides of the track, you and me.” I pulled the collar of my hooded sweatshirt tighter around my chin and sighed. “You don’t want to be with me, Ty. I’m not your kind of people.”

  “Maybe you’re exactly my kind of people,” he said. “But you won’t know that unless you take the chance.”

  “Oh, Christ.” I threw my hands up in the air, overwhelmed and irritated. “Look around,” I told him, my tone raising a few notches. “That girl that you just checked into the ER is my best friend. She’s a drug addict. And if we’re completely honest here, I’m not far from it myself.” I paused to catch my breath. “We live two completely different lives. My life won’t change, Ty. I’ll forever be exactly how I am now.”

  “You don’t believe that, do you?” He watched me, waiting for an answer, his eyes glowing with intensity. I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “I have to go,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry about everything that happened tonight.” I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, allowing my lips to linger on his skin a second too long. I was caught off guard when Ty caught my face between his hands, meeting my lips with his. I closed my eyes, melting into him, inhaling the lingering scent of aftershave and the brisk air around us. After a moment, I pulled away.