If I Fall

by Amber Thielman

  “I’m also sorry about the other night,” I said. I cleared my throat, flushing. “It wasn’t my intention to kiss you.”

  “Oh, I know.” He smiled, and a wave of relief washed over me. He had a cute smile. Like, really cute. “That doesn’t mean you didn’t like it, though.”

  “Excuse me?” I turned to face him, annoyed, but mostly because he’d called me out on it. “There was nothing about it that I liked. You kiss like a dog.”

  “Really?” Ty asked. “Because I’ve been told I kiss like a God.”

  “You must have misheard.” The elevator opened up on the sixth floor, and I stepped out as quickly as I could, holding my breath so I wouldn’t have to inhale Ty’s sultry, manly scent. It didn’t matter, though, because he followed me anyway.

  “Do you make it a habit of following women around the hospital?” I asked as we walked.

  “Only the cute ones,” Ty said, keeping up with my brisk pace.

  “You need to leave me alone,” I said over my shoulder. “I already told you, this isn’t going to work with us.”

  “I don’t like that answer,” Ty said. I was caught by surprise when he reached for my arm and pulled me to a stop in the middle of the hallway, forcing me to meet his gaze. “I want you to tell me the truth,” he said. “Can you stand there and look me in the eye and tell me with one hundred percent certainty that you don’t have feelings for me? That you’re totally uninterested?” When I didn’t answer, he went on. “I don’t think this is about me, Khloe. I think it’s about you.”

  “Of course, it’s about me.” I pulled my arm away from him, scowling. “I already told you, Ty, you don’t want to be involved in my mess of a life. I don’t even want to deal with the shit I deal with. Why in the hell would you want to?”

  “Because that’s what people who care about each other do,” Ty said. He reached up and took my face in his hands, and it took every ounce of willpower I had not to jump on him with overwhelming desire.

  “You can’t care about me,” I murmured. “You don’t even know me.”

  “So, let me. Let me know you.”

  “You’re making a mistake,” I said. I didn’t realize I was crying until Ty wiped away a single tear. “I’m not the person you want to be with.”

  “Stop thinking you know me.” He leaned forward and rested his lips on mine, and a sizzling spark traveled through my skin. I leaned into him then, desperate for his touch, my body tingling with excitement. His tongue slipped between my lips, his teeth closing gently around my bottom lip. He pulled me into him, his hands embracing my body as he held me against his own. When I was sure I was about to lose complete control, he pulled back, still holding my face between his fingers. My skin burned where his hands touched me, and I found myself sucking in air, trying to catch my breath.

  “I have to go back to work,” he said. “Can I call you later?” My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, but I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.

  “You don’t have my number.”

  “I don’t?” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a shriveled and tattered piece of paper. He unfolded it and handed it to me. “Is this not it?” he asked. I read the number on the paper, glaring at it, recognizing Ava’s flirty handwriting at once.

  “She didn’t.”

  “She did.” He took the paper back from me and smiled. “She gave it to me the other day when I came to see her after she was admitted.” He winked at me and took a few steps back, teasing.

  “So how come you didn’t call me before now?” I asked. He put his hands in the air as if pointing out the obvious.

  “You didn’t want me to.”

  February 14, 2017

  Some say that Valentine’s Day is the saddest day of the year. I happen to agree. Khloe loves it, but I think it’s for the boxes of chocolate. And besides that, she makes it a point to egg the floral shops every year on V-day eve. It stopped being funny when Mr. Wilson caught her in the act and called the police, but that didn’t stop her from doing it again. I swear that girl asks for trouble everywhere she goes. Maybe one day, when she finds someone to love, she’ll start taking things seriously instead of pretending everything is a joke. I love her, but sometimes I wonder if she’ll ever grow up. With me here holding her up, probably not. With me here, she doesn’t have to.

  I wish jay and I were still together. What an amazing day this could have been with him. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I doubt it. I think it’s hard for him to even admit that he’s gay. Why do people fall in love so easy?

  It’s bullshit.

  “I do not pretend everything is a joke!” I slammed the journal shut and tossed it aside, fuming. “And even if I did, someone had to. Carter was so uptight he couldn’t unclench his ass cheeks with a wrench!”

  “There’s an image I didn’t need,” Ava said. She looked over at me from her spot on the hospital bed, a nail polish brush hovering over one fingernail. “Thanks for that.”

  Huffing, I crossed my arms and glared at the wall.

  “Just because I lived life with a little bit of fun does not mean I was really as bad as he makes me sound.”

  “Did you really egg a floral shop?” Ava asked.

  “Every year,” I said. “Mr. Wilson hated me. I’d get the death glare every time he saw me around the city.”

  “He was an uptight asshole, anyway,” Ava grumbled. “He had to admit it, you kept his life interesting.” She shrugged and brushed the rose-red polish over one fingernail. “Anyway, how did it go? How’s Frank?”

  “Typical,” I said. “Like shit.” I leaned back against the counter, my arms folded over my chest, staring at Ava.

  “I’m sorry I told you to see him, Khloe,” she said. I shrugged, wishing this were a conversation we weren’t having. I knew I couldn’t leave the hospital without stopping in to see her, but seeing her looking like that, frail and pale in the hospital bed, was more difficult than just avoiding her until she was released.

  “It’s whatever.” I turned to admire the bouquet I’d brought her, but even the pastel colors of the petals didn’t lighten the mood. Aside from that, the one Ty had brought to her overpowered mine by a mile, and that made me angrier than anything else did. “I mean, it would have sucked if he’d died, I guess.”

  Ava cracked a tiny smile. “Yeah. Probably.” She shifted in the bed, wincing in pain.

  “You look a little bit better,” I said. “At least, you look well enough to hand out my number to strange men.” Ava’s gaze met mine. She grinned, proud of herself. I wouldn’t have expected anything less from her.

  “He’s not a random stranger, Khloe. He’s a very sexy paramedic slash student slash serious life-saving badass.”

  “I must have missed the memo. Anyway. How are you feeling?” I reached to brush off a few crumbs from the blanket that was draped over her lap. She shrugged, her skin unnaturally pale as she rested her head back against the propped-up pillow.

  “People in the movies always say hospital drugs are the best,” she said. “But I’m really craving something else, you know?” Her eyes met mine, and I felt a ball of dread fill in the pit of my stomach.

  “Ava, that’s exactly the reason you’re in here,” I said. “You have to be kidding, right?”

  “Do I look like I’m kidding?” Ava asked. She pushed herself weakly into a sitting position, wincing and straining against the bed. “I can’t stay here if I don’t get something,” she said. “I need it. I’m going crazy.”

  “I’m sorry.” I put my hands in the air, guilt tugging at me. “I can’t do that for you. I can’t condone it.”

  “Khloe, please…”

  “No,” I said. She fell back against the pillow, looking even more exhausted.

  “Fuck you.”

  “Ava.” I backed up against the door, wondering suddenly why it felt like all I ever did was mess things up and piss people off. “I can’t do that again. I can’t
bring you back to life. I can’t. And God knows I can’t lose you, too. Why do you think I would be able to handle that?” She turned her face away from me, and I knew that was it. I had just pushed our friendship over the edge. I longed to sit down on the bed and hug her, but I knew there was a good chance she would probably punch me in the face. I, for one, didn’t want to end up in a hospital bed next to Frank.

  “Just get out,” she said. “Get out and stay the fuck away from me.”

  “Please don’t be angry. I just can’t watch you hurt yourself anymore. You’re my best friend, Ava. You’re all I have left.”

  “How dare you.” She looked back at me then, her eyes dark and stormy, and I realized I’d just walked into a trap. “How dare you come in here reeking of booze and tell me that what I’m doing is wrong.”

  “I know,” I said. I raised my hands in the air, surrendering. “I’m trying to clean up, Ava. I’m trying.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Ava said. She was scowling at me now, looking like she was ready to jump up from the bed and tackle me. I wouldn’t put it past her. “You haven’t tried for anything since Carter died. Your world has completely fallen apart, and you don’t seem to care one bit.”

  “I do care,” I said. “I’m trying to fix things, Ava.”

  “No, you’re not,” she said. “And until you do, stop being a hypocrite. Now get the fuck out.” There was no fighting it. Not now, not when she was so riled up. I dropped my hands and left the room, shaking slightly as I made my way back out to the car. It was rare for Ava and me to fight, especially over something like drugs. I was worried about her, and there was no way I could live with myself if I smuggled drugs into my best friend. I would only be helping her hurt herself, and that’s not what true friends did. If anyone proved that, it was Carter.

  I started Missus Betty but didn’t go anywhere for a long while. I felt overwhelmed with emotions, smothered by pain. I knew how Ava felt because I often felt the same way. The pain would always be there, but only one thing could ever help, and that was the drugs and alcohol. It was an addiction, and it was winning.

  “Fuck.” I pulled the cell phone from my pocket and dialed Jay’s number, my hands shaking, praying I would be able to hold myself together today. He answered on the first ring.

  “I’m sorry I bother you so much,” I said. It was then that I realized I had actual tears streaming down my face.

  “Don’t apologize,” said Jay. “Are you all right?”

  “Not really.” I leaned forward and put my head against the steering wheel trying to compose myself. “My dad is in the hospital, and Ava just freaked the hell out. I’m worried if I go home, I’ll—”

  “Come over to my place,” Jay said, not even waiting for me to finish. “I just got home from work.” I took a deep breath as an overwhelming feeling of comfort washed over me. Jay was so like Carter. Had I never met him, I feared I would be lying in that hospital bed right next to Ava.

  “Thanks, Jay,” I murmured. “I appreciate you.”

  I hung up the phone and pulled out of the hospital parking lot. Everything in me screamed for a quick release—one shot of booze, a few pills—just something to numb the pain. Instead, I kept the car moving in the opposite direction. Twice I stopped outside of two different liquor stores, and both times I forced myself to drive away without getting out of the car. I wanted to text Jay and apologize for blowing him off. I wanted to tell him that something came up, that I couldn’t make, and then I wanted to go home and drink. I wanted to go home and drink until I couldn’t think straight anymore, and then I wanted to drink some more. But I didn’t. By the time I got to Jay’s condo, I was sobbing.

  “Christ.” He opened the door and let me in, his face a picture of shock. I made a beeline for the couch, trying to pull myself together, but the task was impossible. Jay sat down next to me, and when he took my hand, I cried harder.

  “I’m sorry,” I sniffed. “I just…”

  “You’re a hot mess,” Jay said. He smiled, but barely. He brushed some hair behind my ear, hair that had been sticking to my cheek with tears. It was the same thing Carter used to do after I’d been crying. At the time, it had been nothing but a friendship thing, but now, with Jay, I knew that’s all it was with him too. I needed the support. At this point, he was the best person to give it.

  “I’m glad I have you,” I said. “It’s nice to be able to cry to a guy without wondering if he’s thinking of me naked.”

  Jay laughed, his eyes twinkling. “You’re beautiful, Khloe,” he said. “But Carter was cuter.”

  “That he was,” I agreed with a sniffle. I wiped the last of the tears from my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. Jay let me stay there, his body still under the weight of my head. “Sometimes it feels like I won’t survive,” I said after a moment. “Some days, it feels like I would rather die than keep waking up without him. I know he was just my friend, but he was so much more than that.”

  “He was your rock,” Jay said. “He was your light in the dark, the moment of good in a life filled with evil.”

  “Exactly.” I ran my hand through my hair, realizing then that I could really use a shower. I’m sure I smelled like a cheap hooker, but if I did, Jay didn’t seem to notice. “I’m afraid to be by myself,” I said. “I don’t want to die, Jay, but if I keep going down the road I’m on, I’ll end up just like Ava and my dad. When I’m alone, it’s something I do to numb the pain. I drink. I take pills. And Carter’s not here to stop me.”

  “Only you can stop you,” Jay said. “No one else can turn you into a better person. Only you can do that, and I believe you can.” He stood and went to the kitchen, coming back with two wine glasses filled with orange juice. He winked and handed one to me.

  “Just what I was craving,” I joked, but the desire to go buy a bottle of cheap vodka or tequila and chug it down was overwhelming. I sipped at the orange juice, pretending I was sipping a mixed drink instead.

  “I was never straight with you, Khloe,” Jay said after a while. He swished the juice around in his glass, looking almost shameful. After a moment, he looked up, his eyes meeting mine. “You’re the reason I met Carter,” he said. “You’re the reason we fell in love.”

  In a split second, the liquid traveling down my throat caught in my windpipe. I sputtered, certain I would suffer the ultimate death at the moment. Death by orange juice. What a way to go.

  “Sorry,” I said, wiping the juice from my chin. “What are you talking about?” Jay chuckled dryly and took another drink from his glass.

  “I’m a drug and alcohol sponsor,” he said. “Carter came to the meeting inquiring for someone who may be able to help you.”

  “He did that for me?” I asked. The initial shock was wearing off, but the more I thought about it, the less surprised I was. Carter always had my best interests at heart even if that meant putting his own on the backburner.

  “Yeah,” Jay said. “He did that for you. I gave him my number and told him that if he could get you there, we could help you.”

  “He tried.” My fingers brushed the empty glass before I set it down on the table. “I remember,” I said. “I remember he told me about it, but I turned him down. More than once, in fact.”

  “Well, he and I got something out of it at least,” Jay said with a bitter chuckle. I didn’t find any amusement in the situation. Carter was dead, and I was still a fucking junkie who couldn’t hold her shit together without him.

  “Listen, Jay, thanks for letting me come over and vent.” I got to my feet, leaving the empty glass of orange juice on the coffee table. “I really appreciate it.”

  “Hold up,” Jay said. He too got to his feet and practically raced me to the door. “Do you want to stay here tonight?”

  “No, thanks,” I hesitated, my hand on the doorknob. “I just needed to vent.” I twisted the knob, and Jay’s hand shot out to stop it.

  “Khloe, you’re not going to do something reckless,
right?” he asked. I forced myself to look up at him, to meet his gaze. For a moment, it was Carter standing there, staring me down, a look of sadness in his eyes.

  “Of course not.” I jutted my chin out, stubborn. “I just want to sleep in my own bed.”

  “I worry about you,” Jay said, but his hand fell from the door, giving up. Before I could pull it open, though, he grabbed my arm, forcing me to look at him. “Don’t ever think you’re alone,” he said. “Call me whenever. Come over whenever.”

  “You know I will,” I said, but he looked doubtful. Not that I could blame him. How could I expect someone else to trust me when I couldn’t even trust myself? “I’ll see you later.”

  Jay only watched me leave, looking tense, but I didn’t glance back even once. The logical side of me pressed to turn around and stay there as I couldn’t get into trouble if I were with him. But the rebel inside of me won, and I trudged forward, unable to face the cruel fact of my life—I was nearing the end of the road, and I didn’t even know it yet.

  July 4, 2017

  It’s been a wonderful day today. Really. Khloe and I went to a 4th of July BBQ down at the fairgrounds. The best part? She didn’t even drink. She was sober the whole time. For the average person, that’s no big deal… but for Khloe, well, it is something that doesn’t happen a lot. I can’t nag at her, though. She stopped the drugs, and I think she only did it for me. I can’t force her to stop drinking too. Sometimes, though, I wonder if she drinks to run away from the same demons that I do.

  I raised the bottle of vodka to my lips and took a swig, setting down the journal. Next to me, Jesse was forming tiny lines of cocaine on the coffee table with a credit card. He was bent over, concentrated, his brows furrowed, and his nose wrinkled.

  “Thanks for having me over, Khloe,” he said. “I really am sorry about Diesel.”

  “Diesel?” I repeated. “Your asshole dealer?”

  “Yeah,” Jesse hesitated. “That would be him.” I shrugged slightly and took another drink from the bottle. I should have known better than to have Jesse over, especially after everything he’d put me through. But I’d been desperate and alone, and I’d really needed a good hit. With Ava still in the hospital, I had nobody around who wouldn’t judge me. Jesse, I knew, would be the last person to ever point fingers. He was almost worse off than I was. “All right, are you ready for this?” He sat back, admiring the lines of white on the table. “This is some grade-A shit right here.”