If I Fall

by Amber Thielman

  “I’ve been busy,” I told him. “Busy getting my shit together.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s good, I guess.” Jesse shrugged halfheartedly, and I forced a smile, hoping he’d take this as a polite goodbye. “I miss you,” he said instead, and I cringed inwardly. “We need to get together, yeah?” I opened my mouth, about to agree just so I could get him out of my face, but then I hesitated. It was time to start taking responsibility for my actions, even if it meant speaking the truth and standing up for myself.

  “I don’t think so,” I said finally. “I’m not the same person that you knew, Jesse. I’m growing up.”

  “Oh, c’mon.” Jesse smiled, shrugging the blonde girl on his shoulder off. She released him, looking pissed. He didn’t seem to notice. “Where’s the fun in growing up?”

  “I didn’t say it was fun,” I said. “But it’s rewarding. And besides, I’m kind of dating someone.” I squeezed Ty’s arm pointedly, and he leaned down and kissed me on the top of the head. Jesse and I stared at each other for a moment, two souls that at one time had been lost together, trapped in a deep, black hole. Now he was on his own. I couldn’t let anyone drag me down again, not when I was so close to the surface.

  “Good to see you, Khloe,” Jesse said finally. He didn’t even bother glancing again at Ty. “Take care of yourself.” He pulled the blonde-haired person back into him, squeezing her as if clutching a teddy bear for dear life, before walking away. I watched him go, watched them sway under the drunken stupor of booze. For a moment, I wanted so badly to call out to him, to tell him that not all hope was lost and that he could still get clean. But I didn’t. I stood back and watched him vanish, wondering if I’d ever see him again.

  “I’m proud of you,” Ty said, and warmth exploded in my heart for the man standing next to me. He’d allowed me to fight my own battle but had never stepped back and let me fall without being ready to catch me.

  “Thank you,” I said. I squeezed his hand. “I’m pretty proud of me, too.”

  “Khloe?” said a timid voice behind us. I turned around to meet Ava’s gaze. She was dressed in faded jeans and a tank top, covered by a ratty shawl that I knew at one time had belonged to her foster mother, the one she had liked a little bit more than any of the others.

  “You came,” I said. “Thank you.” Without waiting for an invitation, I threw my arms around her, nearly breaking down with relief. Ava was tense at first, steady like a statue, but after a moment, she returned the hug, even if it was half-assed. Though I could smell cigarettes on her breath, there was no scent of lingering booze.

  “I came,” she said.

  “Please come with me, okay? We have something to do.” I tugged her forward, feeling how cold her skin was against mine. She didn’t say anything to Ty, but he tried to smile kindly at her as we walked.

  “What are we doing here, Khloe?” she asked. I could hear the hesitation in her voice, the distrust. As I pulled her, she faltered, coming to a halt right outside the door. “This isn’t a cafe,” she said. “You said we’d be meeting at a cafe.”

  “It’s okay,” I assured her. “We need this.” From inside the building, Jay stepped out, holding the door for us. Ava caught sight of him and took a step back, confused.

  “What are you doing here? I don’t get it.” She looked over at Ty. “Why are both of you here?”

  “Ava,” Jay said. I stepped out of the way as he took my spot beside her, taking her hand in his. She didn’t even try to pull away. Jay seemed to have that effect on people. “I’m a drug and alcohol sponsor,” he told her. “Some of us feel that we would really love for you to sit in with us at one of these meetings. I think it will help you. Khloe, too. She said she would go if you went.” I braced myself, expecting her to scream. Or cry. Or punch somebody in the face. She didn’t. She barely breathed.

  “A meeting?” she squeaked.

  “Will you do this for me?” I asked. “Will you do this for you?” Ava looked at me then, and even in the dark of the night with nothing but the light from the street pole, I could see the tears brimming her eyes.

  “Yeah,” she said. “I will.”

  I was glad Ava agreed to come in because had she not been there, I wasn’t sure I would have had the courage to go in myself. It was intimidating enough for me to be around normal people, let alone an entire room full of strangers with addictions like Ava’s and mine. But as much as it was unsettling, it was also right. No one looked at us funny when we came in. No one stopped to stare at the track marks on our arms or the fact that Ava was about fifteen pounds underweight. No one got up close to our faces to see if they could smell booze. No one scowled at us, rolled their eyes, or whispered to one another. No one cared, and yet, at the same time, I knew these people cared more than anyone else possibly could.

  “Donuts,” Jay said, pointing toward a table that held an assortment of little snacks and drinks.

  “I’m not hungry,” said Ava. I knew she was nervous. Hell, I was nervous. Jay and Ty seemed to be the only ones who were completely satisfied with the whole situation.

  “Donuts?” Ty repeated, his nose shooting in the air. “Oh, my God. They have donuts?”

  “Come with me,” Jay said to Ava. “We’ll grab some seats.” Ava’s eyes flickered toward me, and I smiled and nodded, hoping I could at least try to act encouragingly.

  “I’m going to get something to drink,” I said. “We’ll sit with you guys in a minute. Save me a seat.”

  Relief flooded through me when Ava took hold of the arm Jay offered her. I was glad she was putting her trust in him—Ava didn’t trust just anybody. I also knew that there was something about Jay that made the world okay, even if it was just for a moment. He had an air of calm about him, a relaxed personality that could settle even the most frazzled of people.

  “I can’t believe this is my first time here,” I said, still gripping Ty’s hand. “I needed this a long time ago.” I poured us both a cup of coffee, letting the heat from the liquid warm my fingers.

  “You’re a little late to the party,” Ty said with a wink. “But don’t worry, they seem to like stragglers here.” He smiled again, his vivid blue eyes flashing. His coal-black hair fell into his eyes, and I had the fleeting urge to reach over and brush it back. Instead, I looked away, blushing. I couldn’t remember the last time someone made me blush, but Ty did it every day without even trying.

  “That’s good,” I said. “Straggling is what I do best.”

  “Good thing I like you stragglers,” Ty teased. He kissed me, his lips leaving my skin tingling with anticipation. I closed my eyes and begged for another, feeling his fingers tease me as he trailed his hands up and down my arms. He kissed my mouth, and then my neck. I didn’t care if anyone was watching. I was in heaven.

  “Hey, guys,” Jay called from where he and Ava were sitting in the middle row. “You’re in a place of worship for Christ’s sake.”

  “Ah,” Ty pulled away then, grinning, making me groan. Every second of passion we’d just shared was shattered. “Can’t I have five minutes alone with you?”

  “Talk to that one,” Ty said. He pointed toward the empty chairs next to Ava and Jay, who were in a heated debate that I had no desire to get involved in.

  “Did you know that I use to be into drugs?” Ty asked as we claimed our seats.

  “You were?” I almost choked on my coffee, spilling a dribble of it down my front. I tried to envision do-gooder Ty, the paramedic slash med student shooting up meth and boozing until the early morning light.

  “Yeah,” he said. “I was really into pot for a while.”

  “Marijuana? Oh God, kid, talk about trouble.” I flashed him a smile to show that I was kidding, but Ty was already grinning.

  “I know, I know. It would have killed me eventually, I’m sure.”

  “Without a doubt,” I said. “Death by stoning.” All four of us laughed. It was nice to
hear laughter. For a long time, my life had been void of joy and happiness. Being here, tonight, laughing with a man I was crazy for and two of my best friends was only the start of a much better future.

  “Honestly,” Ty said after our giggles had subsided. “What’s worse than that?”

  “Alcohol,” I told him, and the smile melted from my face. There was no hiding it now. Everyone knew I wasn’t there for the mediocre coffee and stale donuts. “And on occasion some other things. Hardcore drugs. That’s worse than pot.” I watched Ty’s expression, waiting for him to come to the realization that I was nothing but a hot mess, ex-druggie who would just drag him down. Instead of saying either of those things, though, he smiled slightly, then reached over and squeezed my hand.

  “You won,” he said. I looked down at his hand and frowned.

  “Won what?”

  “The battle.” He leaned into me, his breath on my cheek. “You won the war on your addiction.”

  “What makes you say that?” I asked.

  “Isn’t it obvious?” he said. “Because you’re here.”

  “That Ty dude is really smitten with you,” Ava said as we walked. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jay snicker. “I’ve never seen you with a man who treats you like a queen.” She rolled her eyes and added under her breath. “Besides Carter, anyway.”

  “Thanks, Ava.”

  “I think you did good in finding him.”

  “He’s a good guy, isn’t he?” I checked my phone automatically, bummed that Ty had to report to work after the meeting.

  “You caught a good one,” Ava said. “Hold on tight to him, Khloe.” I watched her hug the jacket closer to her chest, shivering. The meeting had ended an hour ago, but we all decided to take a walk and chat in the park before departing. I was curious to hear Ava’s thoughts on the ‘intervention,’ but so far, she hadn’t said much.

  “How did you guys like tonight?” Jay asked. “Did it help you?”

  Both Ava and I fell silent, pondering. I thought of all the faces I’d met tonight—so many people like Ava and me, addicts and alcoholics and even abuse victims—as if the entire city’s group of misfits had come together in one tiny room to talk about it over coffee and donuts.

  “Actually,” Ava said, and then she hesitated. Jay and I looked at her, curious. Whatever Ava was about to say could make or break the whole point of getting her there. “Actually,” she said again. “It was kind of nice to hear that other people go through what we do. Sometimes I feel like no one understands.”

  “They understand,” Jay said. “Those people in that room tonight understand better than anyone.”

  “They seem like good people,” I agreed. I linked one arm through Jay’s and held out the other to Ava. “I don’t know what I would do without either of you. Thanks for having my back.”

  A few days later, I finally felt comfortable enough to go home and live without Ty or Jay constantly by my side. The first thing the guys and Ava helped me do was rid my entire apartment of half-empty liquor bottles. It was day one for Ava, and as we cleaned, I hoped and prayed that she would be able to stay strong through this and remain clean and sober. I wouldn’t be able to take another overdose. I couldn’t survive to lose another friend. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to hold myself up alongside Ava too.

  “Are you okay to be here by yourself tonight?” Jay asked. He was holding a garbage bag full of trash, and I could hear the liquor bottles clinking together.

  “She won’t be alone,” Ty said. “She’ll be with me.” He was clearing the beer cans out of the fridge. I looked over at him, feeling my heart flutter with an emotion that was so new to me, so charming and beautifully comfortable.

  “Even if Ty weren’t here, I would be okay,” I assured Jay. “The cravings aren’t as bad. We’ll make some popcorn and watch a movie.”

  “I have faith in you,” Ava said. She came around the corner, dressed in elbow-length cleaning gloves that made her look like an adorable rubber duck. “We’re in this together.”

  “You guys know I’m only a phone call away if you need me,” Jay said. He shook Ty’s hand and hugged Ava and me before getting back in his car and vanishing down the street. I watched him go, feeling as though Jay had been one of the missing pieces of the puzzle in my life.

  “You’ve got this, girl,” Ava said. She peeled the gloves from her hands and flung an arm around me, squeezing. “I may not be Carter, and I may not even be Jay or Ty, but I’m still your friend, and I refuse to let you go down.” I smiled and rested my head on Ava’s shoulder, feeling a relief I hadn’t felt in years wash over me. For a moment—just a moment--everything was okay in the world.

  “Ditto,” I said.

  Ty and I stayed in that night and cuddled on the sofa under a hand-woven quilt. He rented a whole bunch of scary movies—my favorite—and we watched the movies, ate pizza, and talked for hours. My time spent with Ty was so different from any other romantic relationship I’d experienced. Ty was the kind of man a woman could only read about in books or watch on the big screen. As the moments with him ticked by, I waited for the instant I would find his flaw. I kept my eyes open for some unfortunate quirk that would make him a bad person. Maybe he was controlling. Maybe he was obsessively jealous. Maybe he was racist. Even then, even after my mind swam with negative thoughts and deluded my trust, not once did I find one of these flaws I was so scared to see. In fact, as the days went on, the good part of him only shined brighter. Had Carter been around, I know he would have chided me for being so insecure and trying to sabotage a good thing. I couldn’t let my hesitance win. I couldn’t lose Ty. I wouldn’t.

  In all my years of being drunk and or high before sex, the buzz of intimacy and pure desire I felt with Ty was overwhelmingly perfect. The softness of his skin against mine was electric, and when our lips touched, my mouth tingled. There was never a feeling of being pressured around him. In fact, my desire grew for him every moment of every day. I’d even gone in with Ava to the clinic to make sure we were both clean, not just for any men but for ourselves. We’d lived life dangerously, uncaring, and recklessly. I’m shocked we hadn’t picked anything up from unsafe sex or needle-sharing with strangers.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Ty asked. I looked over at him, mesmerized by the kindness in his face and the twinkle in his eyes.

  “Just thinking about how lucky I am to have met you.”

  “You know what’s funny? I was thinking the same thing.” Ty leaned over and cupped my chin in his before kissing me on the lips. I closed my eyes and sighed with contentment as his free hand traveled down my blouse, over my chest, and toward my lower abdomen.

  “It’s not fair that you do this to me,” I murmured. “I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to.”

  “Do you want to?” he asked. “Say no, I mean?” His breath tickled my ear. I reached my hand down and rested it on the bulge in his jeans. Ty slipped his tongue between my lips, and the tingling in my lower half started up again as I drew him into me, hungry for more. My hips moved restlessly toward him as he rubbed my nipple over the bra.

  “Never,” I said. And for the first time in forever, I meant it.

  “I’m glad you came back to see me,” Traci Dunham said. She was sitting behind her office desk in the black chair across from me, pen poised on the pad, ready to jot down her notes as she stared at me over those intimidating spectacles.

  “Carter would have wanted it,” I said.

  “I hope you want it, too,” the counselor said, and I nodded. I did. I really did. “Tell me about sobriety. How is it coming?”

  “Almost three months,” I said. “That’s the longest I’ve been sober for as long as I can remember.”

  “I’m so very glad to hear that,” Mrs. Dunham said. “You must be proud of yourself.”

  “I am,” I admitted, and I realized right then that I truly meant it.

  “What else is going on in your life?” asked Mrs. Dunham. I placed my
hands in my lap and looked around, saw the colorful fish darting around in their tank, noticed the polished work desk and the way the room smelled of lavender. I thought of Carter, who, at one time, had sat exactly where I was now.

  “My father is sober now,” I told her. “For a while, anyway. He invited me to breakfast the other day.”

  “How did that go?”

  “It was fine,” I said. “Nice to see him sober, but I don’t think it’ll last.”

  “You don’t have trust in him?” Mrs. Dunham asked. I shrugged one shoulder and looked down at my hands, picking at the chipped polish.

  “He had a scare in that accident,” I told her. “One good scare is enough to frighten even the most stubborn people into sobriety. That doesn’t mean it’s going to stick.”

  “Do you think you’re going to stick with it?” Mrs. Dunham asked.

  “Yes,” I said. “I want to clean my life up.”

  “What makes you so sure he can’t?”

  “I…” I hesitated, unsure of how to answer. “I know him,” I said finally. “I know who he is and what he’s capable of.”

  “Carter knew you,” Mrs. Dunham pointed out. “But he still believed you could change.” She hesitated, waiting for me to react. I didn’t. “Was your father always an alcoholic?” she asked. I shook my head, thinking of how life had been before Mom’s death.

  “He used to be a good father,” I said. “When my mother died, it drove him to drink. Over the years, we just kind of drifted apart.”

  “Maybe it’s time to grow close again,” Mrs. Dunham said. “Is that something you would consider letting happen?” I was quiet for a minute, trying to figure out if my life would be better or worse without Frank in it.

  “I guess I could let him try,” I said. “I just don’t know how serious he is about it.”