This Is Wild

by Natasha Madison

  “Look at Zoe,” Zara says, pointing at me, and I just shrug and take off my wrap. “See, there are boobs and leg.”

  I look at Evan, who looks at me up and down, and then turns to Zara. “Matthew is going to have a heart attack,” he says, laughing.

  “Why don’t you take off your jacket, Zara?” I turn the tables on her, and she glares at me. Evan panics just a touch as he pulls off her jacket and finally sees it’s an off-the-shoulder dress that crisscrosses. The tight dress shows off her cute little bump.

  “What happened to the top of your dress?” he asks her, and she just rolls her eyes. “You have to wear my jacket,” he says, shrugging off his suit jacket. She just ignores him and walks around him.

  “She’s carrying your child, so I think it’s safe to say that no one is going to try to get with her,” I tell him and turn to walk next to Zara. When we walk into the players’ entrance, you can hear the music. “I’m starving.” I look at Zara, who nods, and then we come face-to-face with the man who’s been in my dreams every single night. He’s wearing a black suit with a white dress shirt and no tie. The collar is unbuttoned, and if I was his woman, I would kiss him right there on the exposed skin.

  “Hey,” he says, his face smiling at me and then looking over at Zara. “Happy New Year.” He puts his hands in his pockets, and his jacket pulls on his arms, making me wish I was in them.

  “Happy New Year,” Zara says, kissing him on the cheek. I suddenly want to pull her away from him, and then I want to ask her how she’s in the kissing on the cheek relationship.

  He kisses her cheeks and then comes to me, and I stop breathing when his bearded scruff touches my one cheek and then the other, the scent of his musk lingering. “Happy New Year,” I say quietly. Thank God, Zara must sense something because she makes it not awkward.

  “Let’s go see where the party is at,” she says, clapping her hands and grabbing Evan’s hand. “I’m going to hold your hand just in case people think I’m single and pregnant.”

  I laugh and watch them walk off. Viktor and I follow them. “How was your Christmas?” I ask him, suddenly nervous.

  “Good. I went home for two days, which was a mistake,” he says the last part quietly. “But I’m happy that I did.”

  I don’t have time to ask him anything or say anything to him because we finally make it into the arena. “Jesus,” I say, looking around. Half the ice has white tables and matching white chairs, and on the other side are little couches and tables. Waitress and waiters are walking around with trays of drinks. I grab a wine glass from a passing waiter and look around, trying to spot my family, but they are all over the place. The kids are all running around and playing together.

  “Why don’t we sit down over there?” Zara says, pointing at an empty table. I place my wine glass on the table and look around to see where the food is. “The food is over there.” She points to the side where buffet tables are set up.

  “I’ll wait here while you guys get your food,” I tell them and expect for them to go except only Zara and Evan walk off. “You can go. I’ll be here.”

  “Think I’ll keep you company,” Viktor says and pulls out a chair. I sit in the seat next to him. “I need something to drink.” I look over at him. “I mean, water.” He stops a waiter and asks them for a bottle of water. “So where’ve you been, Zoe?”

  I shrug. “I’ve been around. Work has been crazy busy.”

  “Yeah,” he says, and the waiter comes over with the bottle of water. “So I heard.”

  “Why?” I ask him, crossing my legs, and the dress falling to the side so all you see are my legs. He hisses.

  “I’ve just not seen you around. I asked about you a couple of times,” he says, and I tilt my head. “Zara said you were busy with listings.”

  I turn at look at my sister, who is standing beside the food. She hasn’t mentioned once that he asked about me. “It’s a crazy time of year. Everyone wants to be in a new house come summer.”

  “Is that the real reason?” he asks, and I grab my glass of wine and drink the whole glass. “Didn’t think so.”

  “Well, you didn’t text me or call and ask me.” I turn and look at him, and now I stand. “Not once did my phone ring, so if you really were worried about where I was, you sure as shit didn’t make an effort to find out.”

  “I couldn’t,” he says softly, and before I could ask him what that means, my mother and father come over.

  “Hey there,” my father says and sees my cleavage and then glares. “Zoe, there are men everywhere here,” he says and looks at my mother. “Did you know about this?”

  My mother somewhat ignores his question and smiles at him. “She looks beautiful,” coming to me and hugging me, then looks at Viktor. “Besides, Viktor is right here. You think anyone is going to come up to her?” I look at Viktor, who just smiles at my father and then gets up to kiss my mother on the cheek. When the fuck did this happen? “You look so nice,” she tells him as if they are long-lost friends.

  I want to yell what is going on, but I know I can’t, so I just look at them as my mother and Viktor chat about the Christmas vacation. “I’m going to grab a plate,” I say and walk straight to Zara, who is walking back to the table alone with her plate.

  “Who pissed you off?” she asks. “You look like you’re stabby.”

  “I am stabby,” I say through clenched teeth and look around to see if anyone is around and listening. “What in the fuck is going on?”

  “You are going to have to be a bit more specific than that,” she says, looking around. “We are at the arena, and it’s New Year’s Eve.”

  “Cut the bullshit. Viktor said he asked about me, something you never brought up,” I tell her and don’t give her an option to talk or answer. “And then he kisses you on the cheeks and Mom also.”

  “One, I didn’t think you wanted to know that he asked about you. Two, you deserted the whole family for a month while you planted your head in the sand. He’s been at every single function we’ve had. I think he was coming to see you, but you weren’t there.”

  “What?” I whisper, and then Evan comes over.

  “Zoe, that dress is a bit much,” he says, looking at the deep V. “You need to burn that dress, actually.” He looks around. “M&M!” he shouts to the side and both Matthew and Max turn around. “Look at Zoe!” He points ​at me, and the smile on Matthew’s face disappears, and then Max throws his head back and bursts out laughing. It’s no surprise that Matthew charges over.

  “Are you crazy?” he says, taking off his jacket and throwing it on me. “Your boobs look like they are going to pop out,” he hisses, looking around as I knock his hands away from me.

  “Knock it off,” I tell him. “I’m going to get something to eat. Besides,” I smile at him, “did you see what your wife is wearing?”

  “You need to go home and change,” Matthew says, and Zara laughs now. “She is wearing a …” he says, turning to look at her. “Where is her jacket?” he says, looking back at her and seeing that Karrie is wearing an off-the-shoulder black dress that’s tight all the way down with a slit on the side.

  “You might need this,” I tell him, giving him the jacket as he stomps away.

  “You guys are going to be the death of me,” he says between his clenched teeth.

  “I swear, one of these days, his head is going to combust,” Evan says and then turns to look at me. “Seriously, I already got asked by five guys if you were single.”

  “Well, I’m single and ready to mingle,” I say, grabbing a glass of wine from a passing waiter. “I am going to get food. I’ll meet you at the table.”

  I grab a plate of food and then go back and sit down with Evan and Zara. My parents, Matthew and Karrie, Max and Allison, and Viktor beside me now occupy the empty table. The night is filled with jokes and laughter and dancing, so much dancing ​I know my feet will kill tomorrow. It’s a basic night of dancing with the girls while the guys sit at the table looking on to make sur
e no one actually approaches us.

  The waiters and waitresses ​pass out party favors, hats, beads, and headbands all with the blinking Happy New Year. “I’m going to go to the bathroom before the ball drops!” I shout over the music to Zara who dances with Alex. I walk out of the arena, fanning my face, and head down the semi empty hallway. Some people linger, but it’s no ​more than two or three.

  After using the bathroom, I wash my hands and look in the mirror. My face is red from dancing, and my ponytail is moving to the right a little bit. I fix it and pull open the door, walking out with my head mostly down. When I look up, I see Viktor walking my way, his head down looking at his phone. He is wearing his caramel cashmere jacket, and it looks like he’s leaving. “Are you leaving?” I ask him, and he looks up in surprise to see me.

  “Yeah, I was going to head out before the ball drops,” he says, looking around. “It was safer if I left.” His hand comes up, and his thumb is rubbing the bottom of his lip.

  “Safer?” I ask him, and then we hear everyone counting down in the distance starting at ten.

  “Safer,” he repeats the word, looking at me, and all I can see is him. Everything around us fades, and everything seems far in the distance. The sounds of people chanting five, four, three, two, one, and then …

  “Happy New Year, Zoe,” he says, and I don’t know who goes for who first, but it ends with his hands on my cheeks, my hand holding his wrist, and his mouth crashing down on mine.

  My eyes close as his tongue slips into my mouth, and then his one hand moves from my face to my waist, pulling me closer to him. The kiss is all tongue, it’s all soft, and it’s everything that I’ve thought it would be and more. It’s natural, ​it’s perfect, and it feels right. I move my head to one side, and he moves us around the corner to a dark hallway, our lips never parting. My heart beats so fast I think ​it’s going to come out of my chest. I want him closer. I want all of him.

  “Zoe.” I hear Zara call my name, and he lets go of me. His hand falls from my face, and he steps away from me as if he just came out of his daze. As if he was in a trance. Both of our chests rising and falling. My arms just hanging ​by my sides. I just watch him, and he does the same. “Oh, shit.” I turn to look at Zara beside me. “I’m so sorry. I’ll just …” She points her thumb.

  “No,” Viktor says, his eyes finally leaving mine as he looks down at his feet. “I was just heading out.” He heads down the hallway, and I follow his every single move. My lips still tingling from his kiss. “See you guys later,” he says and just walks away from me. I don’t say anything. I can’t say anything. I’m a little in shock. Okay, a lot in shock. The sound of the door slamming makes my eyes close and my heart break.

  “I swear I didn’t mean to,” Zara says softly, coming closer to me.

  I roll my lips together to try to keep his touch there. “It’s fine,” I tell her, and then I look at her.

  “Zo,” she softly says my nickname.

  “I need for you not to say anything right now, and I need to not talk, or I think I’m going to have a breakdown, and I’m not ready for it.” I look at her, and the tears already form. She grabs my hand and squeezes it.

  “Let’s get you some water, yeah?” she says, and I let her lead me away from the spot where I just had the wildest kiss ever. It’s also where I had my most heartbreaking moment.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Viktor

  The cold air hits me as soon as the door slams behind me. My hands burn like I’ve touched fire, and my lips tingle with the taste of her still on me. The sweet taste of perfection. That is the only way I could describe it. Perfect, pure, and not for me.

  When I saw it was almost time for the countdown, I knew I had to leave. I knew the only one I wanted to kiss at midnight would be her. I wanted her in my arms any way I could get her. I hadn’t seen her in over a month, and I thought what I felt for her was all in my head and just a figment of my imagination. And then I finally saw her, and my heart stopped. It literally stopped beating, or maybe it finally ​started beating again. Fuck if I know.

  I attended dinner parties I didn’t want to go to just to see her, but she never came. Not once. Then going home for Christmas was a disaster. I was an addict, it will forever follow me, especially with my father who ​made sure to mention it ​to me each time.

  Tonight, I knew she would be there, and I knew I would see her, but I wasn’t expecting it to come crashing around me. I walk away from her and replay the scene ​over and over in my head. Face-to-face with her, our eyes locked. I don’t know if it was her or me, but either way, my hands were holding her face and my lips were on hers and everything that I told myself was a lie. I couldn’t just be her friend. I walk all the way home, the wind hitting my face making it cold as ice. But I fight the need to go back and see her.

  I get home, the soft light from the salt lamp that Zara gave me fills the room. I slip my jacket off and toss it on the couch. I throw myself on the couch and run my hands through my hair.

  I avoid everything and everyone the next day by just lying on the couch and flipping through channels while I read the guide to step eight. I only get up at around five to attend a meeting. I ​don’t say anything at this one, passing my turn and just listening to everyone else. The holidays are the hardest, I’m told. Walking back home, I ​make a list of everyone I’ve harmed when I was high, everyone who got harmed from me being high. The list isn’t long since I never spent time with anyone except the addicts around me. Too scared to start something and then for them to ​discover my big secret.

  I have four names on the list, which isn’t a surprise. I put the pad down on the table and close my eyes. Tomorrow ​will be my biggest test because my old team is in town. That night, I dream of the old days, the days when I didn’t have to care, didn’t want to care.

  When I walk into the arena, I try to keep my head down, but I hear my name being shouted as soon as I step onto the carpet. “Vik.” I would know that voice anywhere. I look up and see Kevin. “Look who it is,” he says, walking to me with a huge smile on his face. Kevin and I were brought to LA ​at the same time. Both rookies, we shared a room when we traveled. We shared an apartment. Fuck, we even shared women. But what we shared most of all were the drugs.

  “Hey, yourself,” I tell him and shake his outstretched hand. “What’s up?”

  “Not much. I was just chatting with Mika and Chris, and we were talking about the last time we were here.” He laughs out loud, and I just nod at him. “What are you doing after the game?”

  “Not sure yet,” I tell him. “Probably nothing.”

  “We have to catch up,” he says and then calls over to Mika and Chris. “Guys, look who it is.”

  Mika comes ​to me first with a huge smile on his face. We played together for two years before I got traded. He was an occasional participant at some ​of the parties we went to, depending on the chick he was with, but more often than not, he was over at my place crashing on the couch. “There he is. I’ve been texting you.”

  “I had to get a new number. I lost the old phone,” I lie. The first thing I did was change my number.

  “Figured as much,” Mika says. “We getting together after? We can go grab a bite to eat.”

  “Um, yeah,” I say, knowing ​I shouldn’t, knowing ​I should just shake my head and walk away.

  “Cool,” Chris says. “The team isn’t the same without you,” he says. “But what can you do?”

  “All right,” I say to them. “I’m going to go get ready. See you out there.” I nod at them and walk away to the dressing room.

  “Everything okay?” I hear from beside the door and turn to see Matthew. “You good?” he asks with his chin up.

  “Yeah, we were just catching up,” I tell him.

  “Is this going to be a problem?” he asks, and I just look at him, shaking his head. “Good. I’m here if you need me.”

  I ​don’t say anything to him, I just nod and go into the
room and undress. I don’t chat in the room before we take the ice, and I don’t dillydally, but I do ​make the mistake of looking in the box, and I hope she isn’t there. Deep down, I hope it’s been like all the other times I’ve looked up there and haven’t seen her. But not tonight. Tonight, she’s there, standing in jeans and a white shirt. She isn’t talking to anyone. No, tonight she’s looking straight at me. Our eyes meet, and I can see the hurt in her eyes. I can see the questions ​she’s probably asking herself.

  I look down at my skates and begin my warmup by skating a lap around, and then I see the kids all down hitting the glass and calling my name. I smile at them and toss ​a couple of pucks over. Get in the zone, I chant to myself ​over and over.

  “You going to be okay out there?” Evan turns ​to me and asks me when ​we line up to go back on the ice.

  I snap at him and regret it the minute I do. “I’m going to be fine. Everyone just needs to get off my case.” He nods at me and walks away, and I want to apologize, but he’s gone on the ice. I’m the last one out there, and we stand, and I take off my helmet for the national anthem. I bounce on my skates as the surge of energy radiating out of me is too much to control.

  I skate to the center ice on the right side and meet Mika. “I fucking can’t wait for it to be over,” he says, and I just nod at him. “This team sucks,” he says, hitting my leg with his stick. “Good luck.”

  I knock his legs with my stick. “Good luck,” I tell him and then get into position, my stick fighting his as Evan and Chris take the face-off. Evan wins it and sends it ​to me, and I skate around Mika, easily bringing it into the zone. Passing it to the rookie ​who is playing on our line tonight, he takes a shot on net, and to everyone’s surprise—his especially—it goes in. I skate over to the kid and knock his head. “Look at you.”

  He beams with happiness and skates to the bench to give everyone high-fives. We win five to one, and when we get off the ice, everyone is happy and smiling. I take a shower and dress before everyone else, hoping to slip out. “You going to come with us to the pub?” Evan asks, and I just shake my head.