“Where are you?” he asks me, and I hear him running somewhere.
“Home,” I tell him. “I’m at home.”
“Are you alone?” he asks frantically, and then I hear a car door. “Or are you with someone?”
“I’m alone,” I tell him, and he shouts out the address to someone.
“We’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” he says, then his voice gets lower. “Did you take anything?”
I shake my head while the tears run down my cheeks. “No,” I say, my hands start to suddenly shake uncontrollably.
“I need you to just stay where you are. Can you do that?” he asks me. “That is what you need to do. You need to sit down and not move. Did you call Jeffrey?”
“Yes,” I whisper. Leaning my head back, I close my eyes, but it hurts too much because all I see are Zoe’s eyes. “He’s on his way.”
“We’ll be there in ten minutes,” he says.
I put the phone beside me and look outside in a daze as the night plays over and over in my head. The sight of her watching me, the sight of her walking into the room and seeing what I used to be. The hurt in her and knowing I put it there just makes it that much worse. A buzz makes me get up and move toward the door to buzz them in. I open the door and wait for them in the doorway.
Matthew sprints out of the elevator door as soon as it opens on my floor. He rushes over and must see that my knuckles are swelling; something I didn’t even feel. “Viktor!” he shouts when he sees. Walking over to the door, he pushes it open. “What happened?” he asks, coming in with Max behind him. They look around the apartment, and then he must see what’s on the coffee table. He walks over to the table and picks up the little baggies. “What the fuck is all this?”
“I don’t know how it happened,” I say, rubbing my face. “It was like I was out of my body, and I just watched it snowball out of control.”
“What did?” Max asks, and he just looks at me.
“Mika, Kevin, and Chris. It was supposed to be just to visit, and then the next thing I knew, women were at the door, and then the drugs came out,” I tell them, rubbing my hands over my face. “I can’t place blame on them.” I shake my head. “It’s my fault I allowed this to happen.”
“Motherfucker,” Matthew hisses. “Where are they?” he asks, looking around.
“I kicked them out.” I look at him and wonder if I should tell him, if I should tell him I put Zoe in this situation. “Zoe showed up.” His eyes go big, and it takes Max a second to step between him and me. “She’s gone,” I say the two words that hurt me more than anything in my whole life. More than letting everyone down, more than seeing how disappointed my parents were when I told them just how much I was actually using. “She showed up, and it was seeing her that made me see through the haze. See through the fog.”
“Where the fuck is she, and did they fucking touch her?” Matthew says between his clenched teeth.
“Of course not. Do you think I would have allowed that?” I look at them, and Max looks at Matthew and then at me. “I swear on my life I will never ever let anything happen to her.”
The three of us stare off against each other, and none of us says anything because the door buzzes again, and I walk over and let Jeffrey in. No one says anything until Jeffrey comes into the room, and he looks at me.
“What is going …?” he says, his voice stopping when he looks around. “Holy shit,” he says, rubbing his hands through his hair. “How much did you …?”
I shake my head. “Nothing.”
“You know we’re going to piss you,” Matthew says, and I nod.
“You can piss me right now,” I tell him. “I didn’t fuck touch it.”
“We need this shit cleaned up,” Max says, and then the buzzer buzzes again. “It’s like grand central station in here.”
“It’s Evan,” Matthew says, and I press the button.
“We need to get rid of all of this,” Jeffrey says, then looks at me. “You sure you want to stay here after we clean it? You can get a room somewhere.”
“I’ll be fine,” I tell him, and he goes to the kitchen and grabs some cleaning supplies, and Evan walks in. He doesn’t make eye contact with me; he just looks at Matthew.
“I’m here for you,” Evan tells Matthew. “Just so you know.”
“Is she okay?” I ask him, knowing why he said what he did.
He shakes his head. “Is she okay?” The sarcasm oozes out of him. “You tell me. Is it okay that you have to pick her up when she’s sitting on a cold cement sidewalk? Is it okay that I have to carry her in the house because her legs give out and she is going to collapse?”
“Evan,” Matthew says, and I see him taking his phone out and sending out a text.
“I had to carry her to the car,” Evan tells me, coming closer to me. “I had to watch my wife hold her in the back seat like a child.” He pushes me. “I had to fucking hold her up because she couldn’t walk.” The image in my head is too much to bear, and I let him push me again. “I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone. I promised her that I wouldn’t fucking tell you but …”
“But what?” I ask him, almost afraid of what he has to say.
‘But you deserve to know,” he says and then looks over at Matthew. “She’s home. Zara is with her.” Then he slips his jacket off. “It’s a good idea that it stays here with just us. Zoe is a proud woman, and the last thing she would want is to know that we feel sorry for her.”
“Allison is going, too,” Max starts, and Evan shakes his head.
“Then you let Zoe tell her,” Evan says. “Now let’s clean this shit up so I can go home.” He looks at Max, then at Jeffrey who is now wearing gloves so he doesn’t touch anything.
Matthew comes over. “How’s the hand?” He looks at my hand, and I clench it into a fist.
“It hurts,” I tell him quietly as the three men clean up and pick up shit. “I need you to know that I had no idea she was coming here. I would never …”
“She deserves a man who will put her first,” Matthew says. “She deserves a man who is going to love her with every single part of his being.” I listen to the words. “She deserves a man who is going to fight for her.”
“She deserves someone else,” I tell him, the pain of those words cutting right through me. “She deserves perfect, and that isn’t me.” He doesn’t argue with me; he just nods his head. “What can I do to help?”
“You need to get the fuck out and take a shower,” Jeffrey says. “The last thing you need to do is touch any of this.”
“We’ve got this,” Matthew says. “Go take care of your hand.” I nod at them and head to the bedroom and sit on the bed, putting my head into my hands.
I feel hollow like a shell. Everything is moving around me—my heart is beating, my lungs are exhaling and inhaling—but I feel empty. My eyes close, and I fall on the bed. The last thing I see before the darkness comes to take me are her eyes, and the voice that meets me in my dreams repeating over and over again.
I can’t love you for both of us.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Zoe
“Hey,” Evan whispers, and I open my eyes. At least I try to, but they feel heavy and puffy.
“Hey.” I hear Zara sit up beside me. “Did you just get in?”
“Yeah,” he whispers and goes to her side of the bed, and I feel the bed dip down. “I missed you.” I hear them kiss, and if it was any other time, I would fake gag, but instead, my heart just aches.
“It’s almost six a.m., she says to him. “You look exhausted.”
“I’m past exhausted,” he says to her and then lies down next to her, and she pushes into me more. “I didn’t mean to wake you,” Evan says, and I turn over to see him lying behind Zara with his arms around her waist and his hand on her stomach. “How you doing?”
“My eyes feel like they weigh seven thousand pounds,” I tell them, and Zara reaches out and wipes away a tear that I didn’t know was falling. Our eyes meet n
ow, and she has her own tears. “My whole body hurts.”
“If it makes you feel better, you aren’t the only one,” Evan says, and Zara whips her head around and looks at him. “Don’t you dare.”
“Sweet Zara,” he says, using her nickname. “Don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying,” she says. “It’s called hormones.” She sits up and struggles a bit since her bump is getting bigger by the day. “You know, before you, we would already be planning his demise.”
“Zara,” Evan says, groaning. “I didn’t want to do this, but if I have no choice, I will.”
She folds her arms over her chest on top of her baby bump. “Meaning?”
Evan sits up now and looks at her and then me. “Matthew was at Viktor’s when I got there.”
I get up myself now, tossing the covers over and getting out of bed. “I don’t care,” I say, going into the bathroom and turning on the cold water in the sink. I avoid the mirror at all costs. I don’t need the mirror to tell me I look horrible. Splashing the water on my face, I dab it dry with the hand towel. I open the door and hear them still talking.
“I’m just saying that I would want you to know,” Evan says.
“Oh, please,” Zara says. “What would you want me to know exactly?”
“Guys,” I say to them, and they look over at me. Zara now sitting on my side of the bed. “How is this? You have three minutes to tell me what you want to, and then you aren’t going to bring it up ever again.”
“Zoe,” Zara says. “It’s not …”
“Three minutes.” I look at Evan, ignoring Zara. I get ready for what he will say, or at least, I think I’m ready. I’m not.
“He’s just as broken as you are. He hasn’t said three words to anyone except to explain how it went down. I got there when they were cleaning up, so I don’t know what happened after you left. But,” he says, looking down at his hands, “from what Max told me, he called Matthew after he tossed everyone out.” He looks at Zara and then at me. “He didn’t touch it.”
My heart lets out a little flip that at least he fought through the urge. “I’m glad that his recovery is still continuing, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t …” I stop talking and roll my lips, the lone tear escaping and falling out over my eyelid and onto the floor. It splatters like my heart feels. “I can’t be in this. I can’t be there.”
“But …” Evan says, and I shake my head.
“I love him,” I tell him, and it feels just a bit better to have it out into the open. “I love him, and I know it’s not his problem, it’s mine. He told me not to fall in love with him. He told me that he couldn’t do this, and I stupidly fell in love with him anyway.”
Zara gets off the bed and comes over and takes me in her arms. “You are not stupid,” she whispers in my ear.
“I am stupid,” I tell her and Evan. “And I wish him nothing but the best, but I can’t even go there. I can’t handle it.” Zara releases me, and I stand next to her now with her arm around my shoulder. “My heart can’t take it.” Evan just looks at me, and I’m about to say something else when the doorbell rings.
“Who can that be?” Zara asks, and Evan shoots off the bed and walks out of the room. We follow with him in the background, and I’m on the stairs when I hear the soft voice.
“I know it’s early,” Jeffrey says, and I stop in the middle of the staircase on my way down. His eyes fly up to mine. This man is pretty much a stranger, yet he is the closest thing to Viktor that I have. “I wanted to see if you were okay.” I take a deep breath and walk down the remaining stairs.
“Why don’t we make coffee and give them a chance to talk,” Evan says, going to Zara, but Zara doesn’t move until I give her a silent nod.
“Do you want to come in?” I say softly, and he nods and follows me into the living room. I sit on the couch, and he sits next to me. His hand comes out, and he puts it on my knee.
“How are you doing?” he asks me. I look at him, and I try not to let it show on my face, but I can’t.
“I want to be all proud and tell you that I’m fine, but I’m not,” I tell him softly.
“It’s hard loving someone who is an addict.” I want to correct him, and he just smiles. “Once an addict, always an addict.” He moves his hand from my knee and then puts his elbows on his knees and folds his hands together. “You love him.”
“Why does everyone care how I feel about him?” I tell him, getting up to walk off the nerves. “You guys should be focusing on him and helping him through whatever the hell he is going through.”
“Well, that answers that question,” he says.
“He’s a broken man.” I stand in front of him, and I let it all out. “A man I knew was broken yet still fell for. He also warned me that he can’t get involved. He can’t go there with me, and I agreed with him.”
“But love is love,” he says, leaning back. “It happens when it wants to happen and not when it should. The thing is when you’re recovering, especially in that first year, you are so afraid that the love you find is actually love and not just something to replace the addiction.”
“He doesn’t love me,” I tell him, and he shakes his head and laughs.
“The man almost washed away eight months of being clean less than ten hours ago, and the only thing he told me was to make sure you were okay,” he says with a smile. “He’s a broken man, there is no doubt about it, but even broken men love.” He looks down and then up. “Even this broken man.”
“Jeffrey,” I say softly.
“I sat there stoned while my child cried because she had a needle stuck in her leg from crawling,” he says, and my hand goes to my heart to hold my chest. “I was past the point of being broken. I was a hollow broken man, and I had nothing left. Nothing, but slowly, I accepted the love that people gave me.”
“He’s stronger than anyone I’ve ever known,” I say to him. “He deserves to have that love. He deserves to have it all. The love, the happiness, everything and …” I hold my breath as I say the last part. “I hope he finds it.” The little pieces of my heart that weren’t broken now explode into little shards, pinching and stabbing my chest. “I hope he finds it, and he has the best of everything.”
Jeffrey looks at me and just nods his head. “I can’t love him for both of us.” I tell him what I told Viktor.
He just nods and gets up, coming over to me. “You’re a good woman, Zoe, and you deserve that happiness. You deserve the love that you want for Viktor.”
“I do,” I say, holding back the tears. “I know I do.”
“Stay in touch,” Jeffrey says, hugging me and then walking out. The minute I hear the door slam, the sob escapes from my throat. I try to block it with my hand, but I can’t. It’s bigger than me. This whole thing is bigger than me. Zara runs into the room and sees me violently shaking as I try to stand. My knees shake so badly I barely make it to the couch.
“What should we do?” Evan asks, and Zara looks at him. I fall to the side of the couch and just curl up, the sobs slowly trickling off as I stare into space. I don’t even hear what they are talking about. I hear nothing. I just close my eyes and pray that the pain goes away.
I feel a blanket put on top of me, and I just stay here with my eyes closed. Eventually, I doze off, but I don’t know how long I’m out for. I feel little kisses on my face, and I slowly open my eyes, and I see my mom. The tears fill her eyes, and she tries to blink them away, but she can’t. “Hey, baby girl.” She tries to smile big, but you can see it’s forced.
“Mom,” I say, confused and then look around and see Zara sitting on the other couch with Allison beside her with her arms around Zara as she just looks at me helplessly.
“I didn’t know what to do,” Zara says quietly. “I’m sorry, Zoe,” she sobs, and Allison just pulls her closer.
“It’s just us,” my mother says. “Just us girls.”
“Mom,” I say, my throat feeling harsh and dry. “I fell in love,” I tell her,
and now she just lets the tears escape. “And it hurts.”
“Oh, baby,” she says, bending down to hug me, and her hug makes me feel safe, like everything is going to be okay.
“He doesn’t love me,” I tell her. “And no matter how much I tried not to love him, I couldn’t stop.”
“You can’t stop love,” my mother says. “If anyone knows that, it’s me.” She sits up and looks at me. “When I met your father, the last thing I wanted or was looking for was love.”
“When I fell in love with Max, I fought it,” Allison says. “I didn’t even know I loved him until it was too late.” She wipes her own tears away from her eyes.
“Except you guys ended up with the one you fell in love with, and well …” I say, getting up and sitting next to my mother. “It’s just …” I shake my head and say the words. “It will never happen for me.”
“Well, it’s his loss,” Zara says angrily. “Fuck him,” she says, standing up. “Maybe it’s not love.”
“Okay, there,” Allison says, getting up. “Let’s get you some water and maybe you need a snack. You sound hangry.” She grabs Zara’s hand, and they leave the room.
“I love him so much it hurts everywhere,” I tell my mother, and she just nods her head. “I knew falling in love with him was wrong. I knew that it was.” I shake my head. “But it just happened so slowly that I couldn’t stop it once it was all there in front of me.”
“It sneaks up on you without an option,” she says. “No matter how much you would have fought it, it would have happened anyway.”
“But shouldn’t it happen with a man who would love me back?” I ask her. “A man who looks at me like I hang the moon and stars. A man who is going to put me before everything?” I shake my head. “I kissed him once.” I look at her. “One time. One kiss. And I know it’s a kiss that I’ll be looking for, for my whole life.”
“Zoe,” my mother says, grabbing my hand and squeezing. Zara and Allison come back in the room.
“One kiss and I knew,” I say softly and take a drink from the water bottle that Allison handed me. “One kiss, one little kiss that lasted maybe a minute, and it just …” I laugh bitterly. “It made sense. It made me finally click everything into place.” I look at Zara and Allison and then my mother. “It was like all those other kisses were a lead up to the perfect one.”
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