“You’ll have other kisses,” Allison says. “And this one will just linger in the back.”
“You aren’t going to get over him,” Zara says, and my mother and sister just look at her. “What? I’m not lying to her. If she loves him the way I know she does, she will never get over him.” Then she looks at Allison. “Would you be able to get over Max?” Allison glares at her. “And you,” she says to my mother. “You still look at Dad with all the hearts and all the gross things that I don’t want to think about when it comes to my parents.”
“She’s right,” my mother says. “You will never forget him, and a piece of your heart will always love him. But,” she says, “I refuse to let you not fall in love again. Because it’s beautiful, it’s everything, and I want you to have it. To love with your whole heart and wake up every single day knowing that the man you love thinks you walk on water. I want you to be worshipped and cherished, and I want someone who is going to put you before them,” she says. “You deserve nothing but that,” she says, silently crying. “You deserve it all, Zoe. You are a warrior,” she says. “You play this tough girl, and you always have. The girl who doesn’t show her emotions, but when she loves, she loves with everything she has.”
“That isn’t me,” I tell her.
“That is you one hundred percent,” Zara and Allison say at the same time.
I look over at my mother. “When is the hurt going to not hurt?”
“I wish I knew, baby girl,” she says. “How about we just do one day at a time?”
“One day at a time.” I whisper the words that Viktor used to say all the time. “One day at a time.” I look at the women in my life; the ones who will be hereto help hold me up. I can’t help but think of Viktor and wonder who is holding him up, who is there with him. I block out the answer, but my head whispers, You want to be that person.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Viktor
* * *
“It’s clean,” Matthew says, hanging up the phone. He tells me what I already knew, but it still feels good to hear. It’s been two days since I had those people at my house, two days since I stood up to the drug and said no. It’s been two days since I’ve seen her, and it’s been two days since my heart stopped beating normally.
I’ve spent the past two days sitting on my couch in the dark, then the light, not moving as I replay it over and over in my head. The only time I smiled was when Jeffrey came over and told me he saw her. Zoe. The name that is on my lips each and every single time I wake up in a pool of sweat. The name that I linger on when I look down at my phone. The text thread I keep reading and re-reading.
“Well, at least one good thing is going right,” I tell him and turn to walk out of his office and then stop and turn around. “She okay?” I ask him, and I see his jaw get tight.
“No,” Max answers. Then he looks at Matthew. “Tell me if it was Karrie you wouldn’t want to know.”
“Zara had to call Parker and Allison to come down because she didn’t know what else to do.” The pain I had in my chest is now fifty times worse than it was before, and if I didn’t know better, I would think I was having a heart attack. “She is kicking everyone out tonight,” he says, and I want to puff out my chest and be proud of how strong she is.
I don’t say anything to him. I just nod my head and walk to the gym. I spend two hours running—two hours trying to clear my head—but for once, I’m not thinking about me. I’m thinking about Zoe. When I finish in the shower, the locker room is empty since it was an optional day. I’m walking out when the phone buzzes in my pocket, and I see it’s Zara
Zara: Do you have time to talk?
I answer her back right away
Me: Name the time and place.
Zara: Coffee shop at corner of your house in twenty minutes.
Me: I’ll be there.
I rush to get there, and when I walk in, I’m not surprised that Evan is with her. Zara gets up, and I know she and Zoe are identical twins, but Zoe’s eyes are bigger and brighter, and her smile is fuller, and she just is more beautiful than Zara. I walk over to the table, my eyes never leaving hers. “Hey,” I say, sitting down at the table that they are sitting at in the back. It’s a tiny round table with only three chairs.
“I’m only here to make sure that my wife leaves you in one piece,” Evan says, and I just nod at him.
“You fucked up, Viktor,” Zara says. I look at her, and I’m not the one saying anything. Instead, it’s Evan.
“Sweet,” he says, and she holds up a hand to stop him.
“I don’t mean like that. I mean that you fucked up by letting her walk away.”
“You have me there. I fucked up by not chasing her, but I have to take care of me before I can take care of her.”
She crosses her hands over her chest. “Do you love her?”
“Yes,” I answer her without having to think about it. I love her, and I didn’t even know how much I did until it was in front of me. I was too busy trying to get better that I didn’t know I was doing it with the end prize being Zoe. “With everything that I have,” I say and then look up into the sky and blink away the tears. “Even though it isn’t much.”
“So what’s your plan?” she asks me the loaded question.
“Right now, today, it’s to get better, stronger,” I tell her.
She shakes her head. “Where does Zoe fit in all that?” Her voice is tight.
“I want her there with me, beside me, holding my hand when they hand me my one-year chip,” I say out loud, and the words cut through me, but I know it’s the truth. “But she definitely deserves someone who doesn’t have so many things trying to take him down.”
“I agree with you there,” she says.
“Sweetheart,” Evan says, and she just gives a side-eye glare.
“You can’t disagree with me,” she says, looking at Evan. “She deserves better, but it’s her choice. He is who she chooses.” Then she turns to look at me. “Now the question is what are you going to do about it? What’s your game plan?”
“I don’t have one,” I tell her.
“Well, then it’s a good thing I’m here. Because I’m going to tell you what your plan is. You’re going to get better. You are going to complete your one year of sobriety, and then you’re going to go to her and beg her to take you back. You are going to prove to her that you’re the man she thinks you are. You are going to do all that,” she says and now she blinks away the big tears, “because she deserves that.”
“That’s five months away,” I tell her. “It’s almost one hundred and fifty days.”
“And?” she asks.
“And?” I answer her. “How am I supposed to not see her for five months?” I look at her. “How would you feel not being able to see Evan for five months? Knowing that he is right there yet not be able to see him?”
“It would be hell,” she answers softly. “It would be my absolute fear.” She looks at Evan. “But if I knew that in the long run, it would be me with him at the finish line, I would.”
“What if she forgets about me?” I ask my most feared question. “What if she starts dating and falls in love with someone else? What if someone finally gets their head out of their ass and realizes that she’s the best that there is out there? That no one comes close to how perfect she is.”
Evan tries to roll his lips, and Zara rolls her eyes. “She isn’t perfect.”
“She is,” I say softly. “She’s the definition of what perfect is.”
“Oh, God,” Evan says. “I just about threw up.” He looks at me, and I glare at him. “I get it now when Zoe says it.”
“Fuck you,” I tell him, and he just laughs.
“She isn’t going to fall in love with anyone. She’s getting over a broken heart, so she isn’t going to jump back out there.”
“I want to go to her,” I tell her the truth. “I want to go to her so much that it’s the only thing I think of, but then I know I can’t.”
<
br /> “You have one hundred and fifty days to make sure she knows it was worth it,” Zara says, and then she looks at Evan. “We should get going.”
“Are you going to her?” I ask them, jealous that they are going to see her.
“No, she kicked us all out,” Zara says. “She has an appointment tomorrow, and she has to get ready for it, so she needs to focus.”
I just nod at her and get up with them. Zara comes over and hugs me. “Don’t fuck this up.” I just smile at her. “And if you do, it’s going to take a lot more than Evan to stop me from slicing off your dick.” She raises her eyebrows. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Sweetheart,” Evan says as they walk out, “you aren’t going anywhere near his dick.”
“God, Evan,” she says, and the door closes behind them. I look at the time and see it’s almost time for a meeting.
I walk to my normal meeting and nod to a couple of people who I’ve seen before when I walk in. I sit down and look around the circle. Only four of us sit while the others just linger talking to each other. When the meeting starts, I listen to the first guy go, and then I speak.
“I almost fell off the wagon two days ago,” I start, looking down at the floor. “The coke was lined up on the table, the bill was in my hand, and all it would have taken was me leaning over, and it would have been over,” I tell them and then look up. “My heart was beating a million miles a minute, and I knew with just one hit, it would take it all away. I knew with one hit, it would all be okay. But then …” I look at everyone, their eyes on me, and I know that none of them will sit there and judge me. “Then something caught my eye. My key chain telling me one day at a time. I was so close to losing everything that I’d fought for, and I stepped back. I knew that as good as that hit would be, the aftermath wasn’t worth it. Then to top it off, I looked up and saw her.” Now a couple of people nod. “I knew I liked her, but I didn’t know that I had fallen in love with her.” I rub my face now. “I fell in love with her, and she walked away from me. And at that moment, I hated myself more than ever before. I hated the drug more than ever. I hated everything that had to do with the drug. Knowing that it had that power over me.”
“But it didn’t,” one guy says. “Did you go after the girl?” he asks, and I nod. “Then you had the power over the drug. If the drug had the power, you would have stayed there and snorted the line. You would have said fuck her and just lost yourself in the high.”
“You aren’t supposed to fall in love in recovery,” I tell him.
“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen,” he says. “My wife now, I fell in love with her four months after rehab. I just didn’t know it because it was so pure. I wasn’t used to something that didn’t have anything to do with the drugs. I never knew what it was to feel without being high.”
Everyone nods now, including me. “Then it makes recovery just a touch easier because I wanted to be worthy of her. I wanted to be the man she could be proud of. That she can stand behind. Even if I wasn’t perfect, I wanted to be perfect for her.” He crosses his arms over his chest with a smile, and I see his wedding ring. I nod at him and then someone else starts talking. The whole time, my eyes never leave sight of his finger. The gold band so simple yet so perfect.
The snowfall is thicker when I leave, so I jump into a cab and make my way home. I walk in and toss my keys on the counter and shrug off the winter jacket. I walk over to the fridge and open it, pulling out a meal I had delivered. I turn on Sports Net and watch whatever is on there. My mind doesn’t really pay attention. I can’t shut it off Zoe, and I don’t want to.
Chapter Thirty
Zoe
* * *
I bury my head in work and then planning the baby shower for Zara. I have over twenty showings on houses, and it really is my busiest time of the year. When Candace comes in, I am not even ready. I’m still in my yoga pants. “You look amazing,” she says, coming into the house and greeting me with a hug. She wasn’t always so nice. When Zara started dating Evan, she was a bitch.
“Yeah, well, apparently being really busy and skipping meals is great for the waistline,” I joke. Yes, I’m busy, and yes, I’m eating, but it just is what it is.
“I have to go meet with a client,” she says when she finally settles into the guest room. I’m sitting in the middle of the bed putting up another listing. “Do you want to come with? It shouldn’t take me long, and then I’m thinking of hitting up some shops.”
I know what my answer is, but I have to get out. “That sounds like fun,” I tell her. “Let me just put on some jeans, and I’ll meet you downstairs.” She smiles, and I put on my black jeans and thick green sweater.
We walk out, making small talk about all her new clients, and it doesn’t even dawn on me who she might be meeting until I’m sitting at the table and see Viktor walk in. The whole world stops, or maybe it’s just my world that stops.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but they lied because there are no words to describe him. Just looking at him makes everything hurt, yet it makes me feel like I’m okay. That today will be just a touch better than yesterday, and it all happens in slow motion or maybe it’s the fact that everything around me suddenly quiets. There are no clinking plates, there are no spoons stirring coffee, and no chattering from the other tables—it’s just me and him. And when he finally looks around the restaurant, and our eyes meet, his face changes. The darkness of his eyes suddenly gets just a touch lighter, and they shine. He pulls off the beanie he was wearing, and he just stands there. Just looking at him makes the past three weeks just fade away.
“There he is,” Candace says from beside me, and she gets up to go meet him. He nods at her and takes her hand, but his eyes keep coming back to me. She turns and walks back to the table. “I think you guys already know each other, right?” We don’t say anything when he sits down in front of me. The table is suddenly too small. Everything is just smaller, and he’s too close and the smell I couldn’t remember is back; everything is back. I’m getting ready to jump out of my chair and make an exit when Candace’s phone rings, and she answers it. “Sorry, I’ll be right back.”
I want to yell at her to get back here, but nothing comes out. Nothing, not one single word. I think it’s going to be okay, and then he says my name. “Zoe.” And it’s just too much. I look down and blink away the tears.
“I didn’t know it was you,” I say, my eyes not coming up to see him. “I wouldn’t have come.”
His voice comes out soft, softer than ever. “I’m glad you did,” he says, and I look up at him. He looks like he is going to say something else, but Candace returns.
“Sorry for that. It was my mother. She’s on her way out here, and she’s nervous.” She sits down and doesn’t pick up anything.
“I’m going to leave you to do what you need to do,” I say, getting up, and with Candace here, he doesn’t say anything even though his eyes say everything. Defeat, sadness, hopelessness. I know because my eyes mimic his.
“How about I just meet you at Neiman Marcus?” I put my jacket on, and she just nods at me. I force a smile on my face and just nod and walk out.
The cold air cuts right through me, but I don’t feel it. I feel nothing. I just walk away from him, away from the pain, except it follows me. Everything follows me—the memories, the laughter, and then the heartache. The memory of him so tempted to slip back to what he is fighting so hard to run away from. But no matter how hard or how far I try to run, he’s there with me, and there is nothing that I can do to close it off.
Chapter Thirty-One
Viktor
Candace goes on and on, and I can’t even focus on what she’s saying. And if I’m honest, I couldn't care less. She could be telling me all the secrets in the world, and the only thing I can think of is getting my heart back to beating normal.
Seeing Zoe for the first time in three weeks knocked me back. I imagined how it would be, kept playing it over a
nd over in my head how it would go. What I would say, how I would beg her to wait for me, but the minute I finally saw her, it all went out the window, and the only thing I wanted to do was to feel her, hug her, make her laugh, and kiss her.
Instead, all I could do was sit and look at her. She looks like she lost weight and isn’t sleeping, and it’s all my fault. I did that, no one else but me. For the past three weeks, I’ve been trying to find out what I can about her. I listen to Max and Matthew talk about their family things, hoping one of them will drop her name. I sit next to Evan to see if he says anything, but they haven’t said anything.
Not one single word about how she’s doing. The only time I get a glimpse of her is on Zara’s Instagram. The only thing in my life not suffering is my game. I’m faster, I’m stronger, and I’m meaner. My points are through the roof, and I’m playing so much more physical than I’ve ever played. Everyone sees it, yet no one is saying anything except for Max. He pushes me even more when we are in the gym. It’s like he knows that it’s my outlet.
“If you have anything else to add, I’m more than happy to take any suggestions,” Candace says, and I just shake my head. “You have to be the easiest person to work with,” she says and gets up. “But I’m here if you need anything.” I follow her lead and get up and walk out with her. I shake her hand and then turn. My hand goes straight to my phone, and I call Jeffrey.
“I saw her,” I say when he answers the phone. “I saw her, and it was worse than I ever imagined it would be.”
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