To My Immature Ex Boyfriend (The Inappropriate Bachelors Book 5)

by J. S. Cooper

  “It’s as cliché as you can think it was. We’d been friends all our lives. We started dating as freshmen in high school. We went all the way as juniors in high school. We went to homecoming and prom together, junior and senior year. We both ended up at the University of South Carolina, where he was on the football team, and I was on the cheerleading squad. And everyone thought we would get married and have a big, beautiful family.” I rolled my eyes. “Obviously, that didn’t happen.”

  “So, what happened?” Millie asked. “Sounds like you guys had everything planned.”

  “You guys don’t even want to know.” I shook my head, “Trust me. It’s embarrassing, and it’s horrible, and he’s an asshole, and I never want to see him or speak to him again.”

  “Wow …” Jane was clearly curious. “I’m puzzled, though. You guys were together for so long.”

  “Yeah, we were together for a long time, but I wised up, and I realized that he was just a jerk.”

  “You’re not going to tell us what happened?” Olivia said. “Please tell us. Please?”

  “I don’t want to say right now. I’m already in a bad mood.”

  “Why are you in a bad mood, Birdie?” Millie asked.

  “Well, you guys all have boyfriends. You’re all talking about going away on a vacation together. And here I am, the fifth wheel with no mate, no potential, and no plans to go on a holiday with my friends.”

  “You’re not the fifth wheel. You can come too.”

  “Oh yeah, right. Like I’m going to go with you guys and all your boyfriends, and it’s just going to be me by myself? Like, how much fun is that going to be?”

  “You might meet a guy on the trip.”

  “Okay. As much fun as that sounds, what am I going to be, like the slut of the trip? You guys all go home to your boyfriends every night. And I’m going back to my room with a different random guy?” I grinned. “I mean, that might not be so bad, but it’s pretty pathetic, especially seeing that two of your boyfriends are my bosses. Do I really want my boss to know that I’m hooking up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry?”

  “Girl, Tate and Jagger already know that you hook up.” Magnolia laughed. “Everyone knows everyone’s business in this office.”

  “Well, I flirt and I dance around, but that’s about it.” I sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Like, why can’t I meet a nice guy, too?”

  “I bet you you’ll meet someone,” Olivia said with a grin. “I bet you that by the time we’re buying the tickets for our trip, you’ll have someone as well, and you’ll be able to take him.”

  “Oh my gosh. That would be absolutely amazing.” I sighed. “I just want to meet a nice, mature guy. What is so hard about that? Where did all the mature men go?”

  “Did you really say ‘mature’ and ‘man’ in the same sentence?” Magnolia laughed. “Trust me. You all know Jagger, and you know how much I love him, but I would not call him ‘mature’ in a million years.”

  “Fair enough.” I laughed. “I wouldn’t call him mature, either, but at least he’s really cute, and he’s really rich. That makes up for a lot.”

  “So, your ex wasn’t really cute and really rich? It sounds like he was rich with a name like Hunter Augustus Beauregard III.” Jane put on a posh accent.

  “His family had a lot of money. I mean really old money, like Southern plantation money. La di da.” I wrinkled my nose and held it up in the air. “I mean, it was nice. He got me lots of cool presents, but that’s not everything.”

  “But was he cute?” Olivia prodded.

  “He was okay.” I tried not to think of Hunter’s big blue eyes and golden blonde hair. He was hot, but Hunter Beauregard had broken my heart, and I was never going to forgive him for what he’d done. He’d made me the laughing stock of the entire school. And I was frankly too embarrassed to tell my friends. They’d think I was an idiot, or stupid, or that I had self-esteem issues. Frankly, I didn’t know exactly what they’d think, but I knew that it wouldn’t be pretty. Maybe they’d feel sorry for me, and I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to forget the whole incident forever.

  “Anyway, I don’t want to talk about him right now, or about dating. I just want to forget about all of it.” I took another bite of my salad. “I just feel like my life is a complete and utter mess, and I need to do something to change it. I really do. I just don’t know what.” I stabbed at a bit of cucumber with my fork. “Maybe I’m just meant to be alone, you know?”

  Olivia gave me a knowing look, “Do you really think you want to be alone, Birdie?”

  “I do. So where are you guys planning on going on your vacation, anyway? Please do not say to New Orleans. I have bad memories of Mardi Gras.”

  “Where do you not have bad memories?” Millie said with a laugh, “Birdie, I feel like your entire past is just one long, bad memory.”

  “It’s not one long, bad memory. There are lots of small bad memories—and lots of small, good memories as well,” I admitted. “I mean, I had a lot of fun getting those beads at Mardi Gras, if you know what I mean.” I laughed, “Oh my gosh. I sound like the whore of Babylon.”

  “Oh, Birdie!” they all chorused together. And we all started laughing. I was starting to feel better. I was glad my friends were helping me to get out of my funk.

  “So where are you guys thinking of going?” I asked again.

  Magnolia spoke up. “What about one of the Caribbean islands?”

  Olivia shook her head. “That’s so far away.”

  “What about Hawaii? I love Hawaii,” Jane said. “It’s one of my favorite places.”

  “What island would we go to?” Millie said. “Oahu? Maui? Kauai? Honolulu?”

  “I want to go to Hawaii.” I pouted. “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. I figured I could learn how to surf, and then I’d look so cute in a little itsy, bitsy, teeny bikini, and all the guys would want me.”

  “So, come with us, girl.” Olivia laughed. “Sounds like you’d really enjoy it.”

  “Well, maybe if you guys go to Hawaii, I’ll come.”

  “I was thinking we could go skiing,” Magnolia said. “Maybe we could go to Colorado.”

  “Nope,” Olivia said quickly, “No way in hell am I going skiing for a vacation. That does not sound fun.”

  “Skiing’s fun,” Jane insisted. “Or maybe you could try snowboarding.”

  Olivia stared at her. “Do I look like I want to go skiing or snowboarding? Wearing a million different layers? I don’t think so.”

  “Yeah,” I shook my head. “Skiing is not for us Southern girls. Not at all.”

  Olivia gave me a high five, and we laughed.

  “What about Europe?” Jane suggested. “We could go to England or France or—”

  “Girls, I can’t afford that,” I spoke up, “If you do want me to come, it can’t be in Europe.”

  “So, I guess an African safari is out as well?” Millie said.

  “If I can’t afford to go to London, do you really think I can afford to go to Africa for a safari? Because if we do that, I’m not going on one of those camping safaris. I want to stay in a lodge, and I do not have lodge money. Trust me. You guys know how much I make.”

  Olivia was the accountant at the office. “I know how much you make, and yeah, I think African safaris are out, unless you get a boyfriend.”

  “Yeah, I mean, if I got a boyfriend, a whole lot would change. Shit, I might be up for Antarctica.”

  “Antarctica!” Jane rolled her eyes. “Skiing and snowboarding are out, but you’d go to Antarctica?”

  “Dude, that’s a whole ’nother continent,” I laughed. “Who doesn’t want to go to Antarctica?”

  “Oh my gosh!” Magnolia giggled. “Birdie, you’re just too much.”

  “Hey, what can I say? I live up to my name.” I giggled. “Okay. We better finish eating and get back to the office. I have a feeling Tate’s going to be wondering where we are.”

  “Don’t worry ab
out him,” Jane said with a grin. “If he wants to get mouthy, I’ll tell him what’s up.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I laughed, “What are you going to do to him in the office to keep him quiet?”

  “Let’s just say that whatever I decide to do … it wouldn’t be the first time,” she said with a wink, and we all burst out laughing.

  I looked down at my plate as everyone got their credit cards ready to pay. I wish I had a guy that I could go back and have a quick office bang with. I knew it was crude, but where was my man? Where was my man I could shut up with some hot sex? I had no one. Absolutely no one.

  I definitely needed to fix my current situation. And I definitely needed to tell Hunter Augustus Beauregard that he needed to leave me alone, and he needed to tell his mom to stop calling my mom and to leave her alone as well. He was never going to be welcome back into my life again. Never, ever, ever. I didn’t care what he did or what he said. He was my past. And one thing I’d learned since I’d been in San Francisco was that the past was the past, and it’s never a good idea to welcome asshole exes back into your life.

  Chapter 4

  Hunter

  “Nellie, have you seen my suitcase?” I walked into the living room where she was sitting watching TV as if she didn’t have any cares in the world.

  “No, Hunter, why would I have seen your suitcase?” She yawned. “You have cheap, tacky stuff from Walmart. I don’t do cheap and tacky.”

  “And what’s that got to do with the price of tea?” I stifled a sigh. Sometimes my sister really irritated me. “Have you used my suitcase, yes or no?”

  “I have a Louis Vuitton case. Why would I ever want to use your case?”

  “Okay. So I’m guessing that’s a no?”

  “Yes, Hunter, that’s a no.” She paused whatever she was watching on the TV and finally gave me her full attention. “Anyway, why do you need a suitcase?”

  “I told you—I’m going to San Francisco in a couple of days, remember?”

  “No, I don’t remember that you told me you were going to San Francisco in a couple of days.” She shrugged. “But have fun.”

  “Well, I’m not going to have fun if I don’t have my clothes with me.”

  “Hunter, you can buy a new suitcase.”

  “Why would I want to buy a new suitcase when I already have a suitcase?”

  “You can have more than one suitcase, Hunter.”

  “Oh for—Nellie, I think I’m going to have to send you back to Mom and Dad’s.”

  “No! Why? I’ve been good.” She jumped up off of the couch, alarmed. There was no way she wanted to go back to Mom and Dad’s. “Do you want me to help you find the suitcase, then?”

  “Well, if you want to help, I’m not going to say no.”

  “Oh my gosh, big brother. You’re completely useless.”

  “Nellie, do you want to stay here or not?”

  “I’m coming. I’m coming. I’m joking,” she said. “Oh, man. I’d think you’d let me stay here because you loved me, not because you needed me to be your maid.”

  I ignored her as we began walking through the house.

  “Did you check your bedroom?” she asked.

  “Obviously, I checked my bedroom.”

  “Did you check the spare room?”

  “Obviously, I checked the spare room.”

  “Did you look in the garage?”

  “Nellie, what do you think?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, if you looked everywhere, where else could it be?”

  “That’s why I came and I asked you, because I remember you said you were gathering stuff last week.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Remember you said you were gathering clothes and other items for the donation drive that your sorority was doing or something?”

  “Oh yeah …” She paused, and then she looked at me guiltily. “Oops.”

  “Oops what, Nellie?”

  “So, remember those clothes that I gathered up?” She laughed in a way that told me she was nervous. I knew my little sister very well.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well …” She had a guilty expression on her face.

  “Well what, Nellie?”

  “I put all those clothes in that raggedy gray suitcase that you had in your room.”

  “What raggedy gray suitcase? You’re not talking about my very nice navy-blue suitcase?”

  “Hunter, it wasn’t very nice.” She rolled her eyes. “It was raggedy and it was gray, and I thought that it was trash.”

  “If it was trash, why would it be in my bedroom?”

  “Okay, well, I guess I was wrong. I’ll buy you a new suitcase if you really want me to.”

  “I’m not going to say no.”

  “Seriously? You’re so cheap, Hunter. Really? You’re going to make me spend my allowance to buy you a suitcase?”

  “I know Mom and Dad gave you a credit card, so you can use that.”

  “Fine. Can I finish watching The Bachelor and then—”

  “No, I need it now. I want to start packing.”

  “Whatever.” She walked back into the living room and turned the TV off. “Let me go and put on some make-up and then we can go.”

  “You need to put on makeup to head to Walmart?”

  “Hunter, I’m not buying you a suitcase at Walmart. We can go to the mall. There’s a Dillard’s there. And a JCPenney. I mean, there’s even a Macy’s. They will have nice suitcases, a step up for you.”

  “Okay, fine. Whatever. It’s your money. Or actually, it’s Mom and Dad’s money.”

  “Hold on a second.” She froze suddenly. “I just thought about something!”

  “Yes?” I resisted making a smart-aleck comment about how rare it was for her to think.

  “Did you say you’re going to San Francisco?”

  “Ding, ding, ding, well, aren’t you a smart girl? You finally listened to me!”

  “San Francisco, as in where Birdie lives?” Her lips twitched.

  “Yeah, and …?” I stared back at her, not smiling. I knew where this was going. Nellie was Birdie’s biggest advocate. It was almost like they were sisters. I knew that Nellie missed Birdie. She’d grown up with her, but I was fed up with her smart-ass comments.

  “You’re going to San Francisco, where Birdie lives,” she repeated.

  “I’m going to San Francisco because I have a talk with a small bank there that Dad wants us to do business with. You know we’re trying to expand into the West.”

  “We’re a Southern bank. Why are we trying to expand into the West?”

  “It’s called expansion, Nellie. That’s what businesses do.”

  “Okay, Mr. Big Businessman of the Year.” She rolled her eyes. “So, you’re going to San Francisco on business. And are you or are you not going to try and contact Birdie?”

  “I’m not trying to contact Birdie, no.” I paused. “Though I know Mom spoke to her mom about it.”

  “About what?”

  “What do you think? To see if she wanted to hang out or whatever, but I guess Birdie’s not interested.”

  “Of course Birdie’s not interested after the way you treated her!”

  “What are you talking about? I didn’t treat her badly. She was very lucky to date someone like me.”

  Nellie snorted. “You mean you were lucky to date someone like her. You’ll never get anyone as good as Birdie for the rest of your life.”

  “Um, I don’t want another girl like Birdie for the rest of my life, thank you very much. She was crazy. She was drama. She was—”

  “Oh, Hunter, whatever.” She rolled her eyes at me. “Why don’t you just admit that you screwed up, and maybe one day you guys could at least be friends again or something?”

  “And what does that mean?”

  “It just means that …” She sighed. “Whatever. You’re never going to understand. You’re a typical man.”

  “I’m not a typical anything, Nellie.”

 
“Okay, if you say so, but let me tell you something, brother. If you had been my boyfriend,” she made a face. “Let’s just say you wouldn’t have any balls left.”

  “Nellie!” My voice rose. “Really? That is not an appropriate thing to say.”

  “What, are you going to tell Mom and Dad?” she giggled. “Oh wait, you are, because I forgot, you’re a snitch.”

  “I’m not a snitch, Nellie, and if I were, you wouldn’t be staying here with me because if Mom and Dad knew half the things that you got up to—”

  “Fine, fine. Okay.” She gave me her deceptively sweet smile. “You’re the best big brother in the world. Now let’s go and buy you an amazing suitcase so that you can go to San Francisco and not see Birdie.”

  “Well, I didn’t say I wasn’t going to see her,” I said with a smirk.

  “But you just said she’s not interested in seeing you.”

  “Birdie doesn’t always know what’s good for her.” I laughed. “She’ll see me.”

  “Oh, no,” Nellie groaned. “Really? What are you going to do?”

  “I’m not going to do anything. Just send her an email, and maybe, just maybe, she’ll want to catch up for old times’ sake.”

  “Do you really think so, Hunter?”

  “Stranger things have happened.” I shrugged. “Now come on, let’s go. Forget the makeup. You’re not going to see anyone, and I don’t have time.”

  “What do you mean, you don’t have time?”

  “Nellie, it takes you an hour to do your makeup. Let’s be real.”

  “Fine, but …” She paused. “We’re only going to Target, then, because none of my friends would be caught dead in Target.”

  “I forgot, you’re friends with the king and queen of England.”

  “Ha, ha, Hunter, whatever. Come on. Let’s go.” She dropped her voice. “But … ”

  “What?”

  “If you do see Birdie, will you at least tell her I miss her?” She gave me a sad little smile. “I really thought she’d be my sister one day. She would have been if you hadn’t screwed it up.”

  “Whatever, Nellie, but yes, I’ll tell her.” I looked out of the window and sighed.

  Nellie wasn’t the only one who missed Birdie. I missed her as well, though I would never say so out loud. I would never admit that I had played a role in the demise of our relationship. It still hurt me that she’d left. Even though it had been my fault, I hadn’t expected that she would finally put on her big girl shoes and walk away from me.