The Secret Within: A totally gripping psychological thriller with a jaw-dropping twist

by Lucy Dawson

  I’d glanced down at her, lying on the gurney. ‘I’m absolutely fine. You trust me, don’t you?’

  ‘Always,’ she had whispered.

  I needed to end it for good this time and not just for Christmas – or Julia. I was fond of Stef and she was a fabulous fuck, almost unhinged if caught in the right mood, but she’d had her money’s worth. I’d taken good care of her.

  Very good, in fact. I’d been slightly obsessed with making sure the batch of implants we were using were up to scratch. Despite feeling rough as God’s dog, I’d gone in bright and early to check the ones I was going to put into Stef; opening the packet carefully once alone in the supplies area – I didn’t want the staff thinking I was losing my marbles – tipping the implants in the sterile liquid, watching them bulge like blancmange. Was it a trick of the light? Had I become so terrified of making mistakes I was now seeing things, because I was certain one of them was flatter, just like the ones of the previous day. I’d grabbed a surgical pen and marked Stef’s with an ‘F’ to denote the flat side before covering it back up and placing it in a location I’d be able to find with ease during the operation.

  When the crucial moment had arrived during the surgery, I had paused and pretended to look at the pack Sandra had brought out. ‘Those are the wrong cc.’

  She frowned. ‘Really? I don’t think so, I—'

  ‘It’s fine, don’t worry. I’ll get the right ones.’ I had picked up the pack I didn’t want to use, took it back and collected my pre-prepared one. I ‘opened’ it en route, so she was none the wiser that I’d already been in it, and pulled out the implant, making sure the ‘F’ was on the underside and out of sight before quickly inserting it.

  ‘There we are! Job done.’ It wasn’t standard procedure, but I wasn’t having Stefanie complaining afterwards that she felt asymmetrical, shape wise.

  ‘F’. I scanned the menu again. F for flat and Fowles… Ha! And ‘O’ for orientation, ‘W’ for wall… I glanced up to see Ben returning from the loo, grumpy little sod. What was it with these boys? Sam cheeking Hamish. Ben with a face like a slapped arse. I watched my son pass through the busy, fairy-lit room, tables full of families and friends, laughter and excitement. What did he have to be petulant about? Anticipation of Christmas is the best bit – two weeks and this whole hotel would be cold and dark. Hamish’s sister took the sting out of having a family run hotel that stayed open right throughout Christmas, by closing it completely for January and sodding off to Barbados – but Ben wasn’t feeling the festive spirit at all. I wondered briefly if it was due to the school unpleasantness. Alex had looked upset too when we’d all parted. I wondered if Julia was even considering the chaos she’d caused? Or did she have other, more important things on her mind than ruining lives?

  Ben arrived back at the table and slumped down, flopping back in his chair.

  I leant over and said in a pleasant but firm voice, ‘Sit up properly, please.’

  He wrinkled his nose and waved his hand. ‘Can you not get so close? You smell of whisky.’

  ‘Just do as you’re told and sit up.’

  ‘I don’t see why I even had to come to this.’ He lurched up to a sitting position, jogging his cutlery with his elbow.

  ‘Because it’s a family thing, that’s why.’ I straightened his fork for him.

  ‘Not my family. Or yours – no matter how hard you try.’

  I glared at him – his finger pushing right into the bruise as only your children are capable of – but managed not to take the bait, contemplating instead how much simpler my life would now be if I didn’t have Ben. At the very least, I’d quite like someone to take him away every now and then to give us a break from the mood swings. I might even miss him.

  And just like that an idea shot into my head.

  A brilliant idea.

  After dinner, Hamish and I popped into the freezing hotel garden to have a cigar and a cigarette. We walked across the frosted lawn to the end of the grass and sat down on a hard bench overlooking the peaceful, moonlit bay. Puffing reflectively, we stared at the dark water stretching out beneath us, the noise of revelry drifting down from the hotel. It was so cold, it almost hurt to breathe the sharpness of the air drifting off the calm sea.

  ‘Beautiful, isn’t it?’ Hamish gestured at the water.

  ‘Very.’

  ‘Thanks for inside – cutting Sam down.’ He sucked hard on his cigar. ‘He’s a little sod.’

  ‘All of them are, Ham. They don’t know they’re born.’ I blew several smoke rings. ‘It’s not their fault, I suppose.’

  He grunted. ‘Not sure I agree with that, but anyway… as of today you’re suspended?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Anyone else know?’

  I leant forward and squinted at a tiny boat, no bigger than my fingernail, quietly coming into the harbour. ‘Just you at the moment.’

  Hamish sighed. ‘Even I didn’t think Julia would go this far. She has proven – unexpected.’

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. ‘Yes, she has, but I’ve had an idea.’

  ‘Oh?’ Hamish pulled on his cigar again. ‘Go on.’

  I jumped up eagerly. ‘When something terrible happens, what is the first thing people say? It puts everything else into perspective. That’s what I need to do for Julia; help her understand that this filming allegation just isn’t important. If her son were to go missing, she’d realise that, I think. And then, if he were to return, if I found him, I’d be her hero.’

  Hamish scratched his head. ‘You want to abduct her son?’

  ‘No!’ I held up a hand. ‘I’m not going to do anything illegal. I’m going to persuade him to go missing. At the very least, I think my bringing him back will make her reconsider her allegations.’

  ‘Right.’ Hamish exhaled a cloud of smoke. ‘When did you come up with this plan, might I ask?’

  ‘Just now!’ I said happily.

  His eyebrow flickered. ‘Well, while your motivation is clear enough, I’m not sure you’ve thought it through. If her son were to disappear, I can see someone like her would go completely over the top with panic; police, the works.’ He crossed his leg thoughtfully. ‘If said son turned up safe and sound again, it would certainly make her look prone to drama, exaggeration and crying wolf. It would nicely reinforce the story behind the beach picture and it would certainly make Julia vulnerable. Even better if she told the police you were responsible for the little bugger going missing, only for him to pop back up like a nice shiny button.’ He laughed, adding with relish. ‘Enough rope to hang herself with. She’d look cuckoo.’ He wrapped his mouth around his cigar again. ‘But just so we’re clear, you’re not actually going to do this? You can’t – you do know that?’

  I sat back down on the cold bench. ‘I’ve got to do something. I can’t just let it all happen. I’m frightened.’

  ‘We’ve already got the picture of the two of you. That’s all we need. You just relax.’ He looked over his shoulder and lowered his voice. ‘The knife I saw you drawing on Michelle…’

  ‘Drawing on myself,’ I corrected him quickly.

  He held up a hand. ‘All I wanted to ask was, you did clean it thoroughly afterwards?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘Good man.’ He patted my shoulder. ‘Well, like I said. Don’t panic and I’d sleep on everything, if I were you, but I suppose I’ll stand by to hear more…’

  ‘You do that.’ I finished my fag and flicked the end over the hedge in front of us. I felt calmer already for having a plan. I made my voice quieter. ‘Thanks for getting Michelle home safely last night, by the way. No dramas?’

  ‘None,’ he said. ‘She was fine. Bit green round the gills today but that’s all. Turns out she lives with a long-term boyfriend, so I think you’re safe there. He was away last night, hence why she had her party knickers on – then off. She’s not going to want to rock the boat.’

  ‘Well, that’s something, at least.’

  ‘Any port, Nate
. Put it behind you and move on.’

  I nodded and glanced back to see Storm standing in the doorway of the hotel watching us. ‘Time to go in.’

  I started to walk up the garden, feeling suddenly more confident, hands in my jacket pockets. Storm was looking very attractive, I realised. A new dress: some russet affair, like the mass of my tenners it probably cost, clinging to her body.

  ‘Tell me again, for the millionth time, what is the point of social smoking?’ She crossed her arms as I approached. ‘You’re not addicted to the nicotine. You don’t need to do it.’

  I hesitated, before moving right up next to her, snaking an arm round her waist, pulling her tightly to me and placing the chill of my lips against the warmth of her neck. ‘It makes me feel dangerous,’ I whispered.

  ‘Nathan!’ she exclaimed, half admonishing, half laughing.

  ‘In my head, I’m James Bond and not a sad, mediocre, middle-aged doctor with a wife far smarter and talented than I’ll ever be.’

  She turned her head away, but I felt her tremble as I gently kissed her throat. I reached out and took her hand, twisting her wedding ring up so I could see my initials branded on her skin.

  ‘You do it because you know it makes you look ridiculously glamorous.’

  ‘That too,’ I admitted. ‘I am – as you know – exceptionally shallow.’

  ‘Not true. Quite often I think I don’t know you at all. I’ve not even come close to the real you.’ She wasn’t smiling anymore.

  I sighed and released her. As ever with Storm, all possibility and promise coming to nothing. But I didn’t care. I briefly touched my fingers to my lips, blowing her the smallest of kisses before leaving her to her disappointment in me and making my way back into the room in search of Ben. I wanted to talk to him about how we might get Alex on his own.

  Thirty

  Julia

  ‘You don’t know Dad’s different this time. Anyone can make promises then break them. He only has power over me if I let him.’

  I frowned. ‘What? Where have you heard?—’

  ‘I don’t want to see him!’ Al insisted.

  ‘But Dad’s come all this way!’

  He shrugged. ‘I didn’t ask him to. I’m not going to come down and talk to him and you can’t make me.’

  ‘He’s right. You can’t, and I wouldn’t want you to.’ Dom’s hands were wrapped round a mug of tea as we sat quietly at the kitchen table. All I could hear was my grandmother’s cuckoo clock ticking on the wall. I’d finally got around to hanging it.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’m sure it won’t be like this forever.’

  Dom smiled sadly. His face had lost all its puffiness and his clean-shaven skin and neatly cut hair looked better than it had in a long time. He reminded me of a baby bird, fresh out of the egg.

  ‘It’s just going to take time before Al trusts me again. I have to earn it – it’s cool.’ He shot me a look. ‘Jules, I’m so sorry about sitting outside the house and speaking to the neighbours, and all that nasty shit I said to Ewan about you cheating on him, last time I was here.’

  ‘Thank you. New start now.’ I took a mouthful of tea.

  ‘Sounds good to me.’ He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. ‘Will you give Al this? The iPad wasn’t a hit, so I thought I’d go a bit more traditional. Have a look, tell me if you think he’ll like it?’

  I snapped it open to find a very beautiful, elegant man’s watch – sitting on blue velvet cushion, the second-hand ticking round.

  ‘It was Dad’s; he used to wear it every day. I don’t know if you remember? Anyway, he left it to me and I want Al to have it. I want him to know, all the time I’ve got now is his. Just like Dad did for me.’

  ‘That’s a very lovely gesture.’ I thought of my former father-in-law, one of the world’s last true gentlemen. ‘I’ll explain all of that to Alex.’ I closed the box gently.

  He drained his tea. ‘I better go.’

  ‘You’re going to go straight back to London?’

  He nodded, and I winced.

  ‘Don’t – it’s not your fault, or his.’ He stood up and swung on his new coat. A grown-up overcoat.

  We walked down the hall in silence. He turned at the front door and briefly kissed my cheek. ‘Have a lovely Christmas and here’s to a happy new year for all of us. Tell Al I love him.’

  Once I’d shut the front door, I leant my forehead on it, closing my eyes for a moment.

  ‘Mum?’

  I looked up to see Alex peering through the bannisters, in the hall upstairs, like a little boy again. ‘Has he gone?’ he asked in a small voice.

  ‘Yes,’ I held out the gift. ‘He wanted you to have this. It used to be—’

  ‘I heard.’ Al came down quickly, grabbed the box and disappeared back into his room with it, closing the door behind him.

  We spent Christmas itself travelling around: Ewan’s parents for the big day and Boxing Day, then Ewan flew to Norway with Cass to Lise’s family, while I went to my cousin’s with Alex. I suggested meeting Sorcha and Dom in London as an alternative to Alex going to stay with them, but Alex flatly refused. We had the sum total of two evenings and a day back at home in Devon, reunited with Cass and Ewan, although the kids spent it at a friend’s whose parents had been mad enough to say they could do an open house, before then driving to Wales to spend New Year with Ewan’s brother, wife and children. It was fun and worth the effort, but we were all pretty tired and grumpy when we arrived home on Thursday, the third of January, immediately splintering off to do our own thing.

  Ewan dropped Cass off at a friend’s then went for a swim, while Alex immediately jammed on his headphones and got stuck into Fortnite. I attacked the unpacking and sorting out. I was very glad to have stipulated a full two-week break over Christmas before starting my contract. I needed a couple of catch-up days to get organised.

  Friday morning saw me busily loading dirty school uniforms into the machine, when both kids appeared in the doorway, coats on. Alex had a bulging rucksack over his shoulder and Cass was carrying a bag.

  ‘We’re going to get the train into Exmouth,’ Cass explained. ‘I’m meeting some of the girls from school for a hot chocolate.’

  ‘And I’m going to take some photos and do some sketching.’ Alex held up the camera Ewan and I had bought him for Christmas.

  ‘Great idea!’ I said enthusiastically, straightening up. I was delighted to hear I wasn’t going to face a second day of hauling Alex off Fortnite and that he voluntarily wanted to leave the house. ‘Are you going to travel back together too?’

  ‘Probably not,’ Cass said. ‘Al might want to come back earlier than me, or the other way round, but we’ve got our phones so we can check?’

  ‘Sounds sensible,’ I agreed. ‘Do you need some money? There are two £10 notes in my purse, so you can buy yourselves lunch. And take hats, won’t you?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got everything,’ Al said earnestly. ‘I’m taking boots, waterproof trousers – just in case the weather changes. But it’s meant to be fine until later this evening. I checked.’

  ‘Well done,’ I agreed. ‘You’ve got drinks too? And your phones are charged up?’

  ‘Yes,’ Cass sighed. ‘It’s only Exmouth.’

  ‘Well, have fun. What do you fancy for tea later – anything in particular?’

  Alex shrugged. ‘Sausages maybe? I don’t know.’

  ‘I’ll see what I can do. Don’t go further than Exmouth Beach, Al.’ I blew them both a kiss, turned away and reached for the washing powder. I don’t know if they blew me a kiss back. I wasn’t looking properly, but once I’d switched the machine on, wiped my hands on my jeans and turned back again, ready to start the next job, they’d gone.

  Thirty-One

  Nathan

  ‘OK, Ben, I’m going to trim the engines up and slightly beach the bow,’ I instructed. ‘Get ready to help pull him on if need be.’

  Ben moved obediently to the front of t
he boat. The sea state was calm, just as if I had ordered it: perfect conditions. I edged closer still and held it steady as Alex splashed towards us in his wellies and threw his bag into Ben’s open arms. Ben stowed it in one of the crates under the seat before turning to help haul Alex on. Predictably, the poor kid was useless – grippy hands and lanky legs as Ben landed him, immediately trying to clamber to his feet and slipping all over the place, shivering like mad.

  ‘Hello again!’ I grinned. ‘Welcome aboard and well done!’

  Alex rolled up his sleeve and proudly looked at some old-man watch he was wearing, tapping the glass. ‘Exactly the agreed time!’ he said happily, still trembling – although perhaps because he was excited. ‘It’s all going to plan!’

  ‘Certainly is!’ I agreed. ‘Now, time you two got out of sight – leave your bag there with ours, Alex.’

  They did as they were told, Alex nearly banging his head on the doorway to the cockpit as he climbed in. ‘Better take your glasses off,’ I said. ‘Don’t want them getting scratched. Is the case in your bag?’

  He nodded, blinking like a baby owl as he removed them.

  ‘I’ll sort it.’ I held out a hand and took them from him. ‘OK, chaps, we need to make a move now and it’s going to get cold.’ I put the glasses away carefully and rested his bag on the seat next to me. ‘So I’m going to shut the cockpit door for a moment or two, OK?’

  Once I’d closed them in and I was sure they couldn’t see me, I gave it some speed and as we began to bounce over the waves, I chucked Alex’s bag overboard. Glancing back, I saw it floating in the wash, but it would submerge before long. Goodbye mobile phone. Phase one complete.

  The door opened again and Ben reappeared. ‘He says he feels sick.’