Love Me Back to Life
Page 5
“It adds to the fun,” Jackson shoulder bumps his partner. “Some cups have beer and some have Vodka.”
“You're just trying to get the girls wasted faster so they'll sleep with you,” McKenzie quips. Jackson's eyes pop open wide as he tosses a ping pong ball at McKenzie.
“Shut it, Diaz,” He chuckles as she tosses a ball back at him. I watch as George head drops, watching the scene unfold before him. It was no secret that Jackson had a thing for McKenzie and an even bigger non secret was the thing George had for McKenzie. The only person who couldn't see Aiden’s love for her was McKenzie.
Luckily, no one knew my secret. The secret I've kept buried for years.
–
“I miss you both so much,” I say as I feel the tears falling freely. “I don't know how to be here. To be here and attempt to be happy without you,” I sigh, shutting my eyes tightly. Sometimes when I concentrate hard enough I can hear their voices. McKenzie telling me what to do and George helping me weigh the options. “What do I do?”
“Emma?” I look up to see Mrs. Williams standing over me.
I quickly wipe my face, standing up. “Mrs. Williams. Um... hi,” Yeah that's all I've got. I've been avoiding this moment for almost four years now.
“How are you?” She asks, a small smile playing at her lips.
How am I? How am I? She's standing in a graveyard, next to her dead son's body and she wants to know how I am?
“I'm here,” I shrug. I groan, realizing how stupid of an answer that was. Of course she knows you're here dumb ass, you're standing right in front of her. “What I mean is that I'm just... I'm trying to--”
“I know.” She nods, finally letting her lips curl up into a smile. “You don't have to avoid us Emma, we're not angry with you,” She shakes her head and I drop mine to look at the ground. I don't know what to say to that. “We're not,” Mrs. Williams says, lifting my head by my chin. “We're happy that you're here,” She nods. “We're happy that your parents didn't have to go through what we did. I'm glad that you weren't in that car. We just...” She closes her eyes, releasing a heavy sigh. I feel like this is something she's wanted to get off her chest for a while, but I guess I haven't really given her the chance. “We'd like it if you stopped by more often, you know, when you're in town,” She smiles. I nod quickly, not knowing what else to do. “You can come in Emma. You don't have to sit in the car.”
So that was Mrs. Williams all those times watching me from the window. I sigh, a little disappointed. I know that George is gone, but I don't know, I felt some glimmer of hope or something imagining him watching me from his window each time I drove away.
“Yes ma'am.”
“Good,” She smiles and nods once as she bends down to place a bouquet of flowers on both McKenzie and George's graves. “Andrew and I would love to have you over for dinner one day this week if you're available,” She says as she backs up to look at me.
“I'd love to,” I force a smile, only because I'm imagining how awkward this dinner is going to be. What do I say to them? How do I act?
“Good. Friday sound good?”
“That's great,” I nod. She leans forward, kissing my cheek and hugging me before turning and leaving the graveyard. I turn around, flopping back down on the ground. “Your mom just invited me to dinner, George,” I turn to look at his headstone. “What the heck am I gonna wear?”
Chapter 6 – Taking Chances
I wake up feeling extra weight on my legs and as I struggle to free them, I hear giggling. I can’t help the smile that creeps across my face. I sit up, looking down at my little brother. He has his chin in his hands as he sprawls out across my legs.
“Morning, Em.”
I groan playfully, wiggling my legs to free them as I rub the sleep from my eyes. “Morning, bud,” I smile down at him.
“Whatcha doing?”
I chuckle and shrug nonchalantly. “Oh you know…sleeping.”
He erupts into a fit of giggles as he collapses on my bed. “So what can I do for you at,” I glance at my phone for the time. “Six forty five in the morning?”
“I was just wondering if you could take me to school,” He sweeps his bangs from his face. His SpongeBob Pajamas falling off his shoulders, the size a little big for his body, but it’s his favorite though; so he doesn’t mind it.
“Yeah sure thing bud, go get ready.”
He cheers and jumps off the bed. Tumbling towards the ground, he groans a little in pain and says he’s okay before I can ask. I laugh and grab my phone.
I don’t know what possesses me to, but I text Grace. I lean over to place my phone back on the dresser when it buzzes. I smile a bit when I see Grace's name pop up.
I didn't expect such a quick reply, seeing as it’s so early in the morning. I smirk at her response to my simple ‘morning’.
'To what do I owe this pleasure at the cusp of dawn?'
'I’m taking my little brother to school do you maybe want to meet for some coffee?'
'Yeah, sure.'
'No poetic response to that one?'
'I save ‘em for when they count. See you later.'
I toss my phone to the side and get ready. I’m feeling a bit anxious for some reason. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m counting down the days until I have to attend dinner with the Williams, or if it’s because I’m about to see Grace in a bit. All I know is that it's a little unsettling and I'm not entirely sure if this is a good or bad thing yet.
I head down to the kitchen and find my mother already in there.
“Do you ever leave the kitchen?” I ask with a laugh as I kiss my mother on the cheek and grab orange juice out of the fridge.
My mother gives me a cheeky smile as she sips her coffee.
“No mother of a seven year old boy does?” She winks at me and I shake my head as I take a seat on one of the stools at the island.
“Ty wanted me to take him to school today and I’m meeting a…I mean I have a coffee da…I’ll just be out for the morning,” I rush out quickly.
I avert my eyes from my mother. She’s looking at me and I’m a second away from squirming. I don’t know what to tell her. I’m not trying to lie or anything. I just don’t know what to call this thing I’m doing with Grace.
Is she a friend? She’s referenced me as such and I her, but lately there’s been this weird 'are we interested in each other' tango between us and she’s been leading, while I’m tripping all over my feet.
I finally look up to my mother and she’s hiding a smirk behind her cup. I just roll my eyes as my little brother comes into kitchen and saves me.
“Hey mom!”
I watch as he rushes to her and how she easily embraces his little body while still holding her cup of coffee, not letting one drop of it spill from her cup. She bends down and they disappear behind the counter. I hear whispers and I push myself up to get a better look at what’s going on. I see Ty shush my mother and she smirks.
What’s happening right now?
They see me trying to eavesdrop and they both give me the same look, causing me to slip back into my chair. Seconds later my mother pops back up to sip her coffee again.
“Em, I’m just gonna eat and then we can go. Okay?”
“Whatever you say, boss,” I wink at him and he blushes as he grabs a step stool to get a box of cereal. My mother is staring at me and I look at her and grunt with narrowed accusatory eyes, causing her to toss her hands up in the air.
“Will you be joining us for a meal tonight?”
I sigh because I have been avoiding dinners. I’ve been home for a few weeks and I’ve used every excuse in the book to not eat dinner with my family. I feel like if I do then it’ll be harder for me when it’s time to go.
Everyone at arm’s length, that’s what’s best for everyone. It’s hard to miss someone when they’re gone, if they were never really around in the first place.
I bite my lip as I try to make up another excuse, but nothing comes to mind. My mother is l
ooking at me in that way that’s asking me to say yes. So I do and she smiles.
I get up from the table and ruffle my brother’s hair. He groans. I think I just ruined his style. “I'll be in the car, come out whenever you're ready,” I tell Tyler as I grab my keys off the counter and head out.
“Seven-thirty, Em!” I hear my mom yell as I head out the door. Of course I already know what time dinner is. It's been the same time since I was a kid.
–
“So was there a particular reason you wanted me to bring you to school today, buddy?” I turn to my brother and question as I drive him to school.
“No,” He shrugs, “not really,” I narrow my eyes at him. His mouth is saying one thing, but his face is saying another.
“Ty?” I ask in a warning tone. He knows that he can tell me anything. I glance at him as he tries not to look at me. “Tyler Jackson Daniels,” I give him a stern look as I alternate between looking at him and the road.
“Okay, okay,” He sighs, glancing at me briefly. “Theresthisgirlilikeandmomsalwayscrampingmystyle,” He says in a rushed tone. Yeah, I didn't catch any of that.
“In English, Ty.”
“There's this girl I like and moms always kissing my cheek when she drops me off. It's embarrassing,” He whines and I can't help but chuckle at him.
“Why don't you just say something to mom then bud?” I question my little brother, still chuckling.
“Because I don't want to hurt her feelings,” He says in a tone that causes me to look at him. He's playing with his fingers and avoiding eye contact.
“Ty?” I say in a questioning tone. Any other seven year old probably wouldn't have gotten what I was asking, but I know Ty does. I pull over, putting the car in park. “Ty what is it buddy?”
“She's sad all the time Emma. Ever since you left, she's been sad. She cries sometimes you know,” He says, finally looking at me. “She goes into your room and she just cries. She thinks I can't hear her, but I do. She thinks I was too young to remember how bad things were when you first left. She wasn't okay Emma and I'm scared.”
“Scared of what bud?” I ask, concerned laced in my voice.
“That she's not going to be okay when you leave this time.”
“Who says--”
“I heard you and mom talking before. She said that if you didn't tell me she would. I figured it out.”
“You're a pretty smart kid, you know that?” I question, ruffling his hair again with a smile.
“Em,” He whines, pulling down the sun visor to fix his hair.
“Sorry,” I chuckle at him. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner that I was leaving again.”
“It’s okay” He shrugs. “I figured you weren't staying. You don't like us much anyways.”
“No Tyler that's not it at all,” I unbuckle my seat belt so I can face him completely. “I promise you that's not it. It's just hard you know. Being here in Santa Barbara. I feel...”
“Sad?” He asks, his little eyes staring up at me.
“Yeah,” I nod, forcing a smile. “I feel sad and a whole mess of other things when I'm here. But it has nothing to do with my like for you guys. I love you Ty. You, mom and dad, I love you all so much and I promise when I get myself together I'm gonna come back here and things will be normal again.”
“What's normal?” He asks with a smile.
“I love you kid,” I lift my hand to ruffle his hair but his eyes go wide and I contain myself, mumbling a sorry. It's a habit.
“I love you too, Em,” He smiles, unbuckling his seat belt to climb over the seat and hug me. I smile as he wraps his tiny arms around my neck.
“Okay then, enough of this emotional stuff,” I joke as he sits back down in his seat, buckling his seat belt. “Let's get you to school.”
“How mad do you think mom would be if I hung out with you today instead?” I give him a look and he nods. “Yeah I figured,” I smile as I put the car in drive and pull off.
__
I stretch my hand up as I notice Grace walking into the small coffee shop. She gives a slight wave once she spots me and ducks her head down. I think she’s trying to hide the larger smile that appeared on her face. I’m glad she does because she misses mine. I use my mother’s trick from earlier and use my coffee cup to hide my glee. I sip slowly as she sits and rests her things on her chair.
“Good morning.”
“Morning,” And there it is, the awkward silence. Yeah I’m going to need you to go, I’m awkward enough as it is.
Grace places both hands on the table and laces her fingers together. “So what’s good here?”
I nod my head towards the glass display. “They have really great brownies, blueberry muffins are my favorite, and the cappuccino is pretty amazing.”
She nods once and gets up without a word. I watch as she patiently waits in line and I take a moment to gather myself. I don’t know why I need to gather myself. I didn’t know I was falling apart. I didn’t know there was still more of me to fall apart.
I get lost in my own thoughts, the scuffing of Grace’s chair across the floor brings me back and I see her placing a blueberry muffin in front of me. I lick my lips as I try to hide the second smile she's forced to my lips this morning.
“So that’s two meals you owe me,” She says as she sits in her seat and shakes a packet of brown sugar to pour in her cappuccino. She took all of my suggestions and I laugh as she breaks a piece of her brownie off.
“So you just take a chance on everything then?” I ask while I pop my eyebrows up once and she closes her eyes as she savors the chocolaty brownie.
She moans a little and I gulp. I look around to see if anyone else notices how much Grace is enjoying the brownie and I’m the only one taken by her. She finally opens her eyes and looks at me.
The blue in her eyes is so warm and inviting. I feel myself relax a little and it’s as if her eyes are slowly soothing aches that I’ve felt for years. She doesn’t take her gaze away from mine as she answers me.
“Only on things that are worth it,” She smiles. I say nothing to that and she hold the silence, letting the honesty of her words filter into my mind…into my heart. She takes another bite of her brownie and this time I look away because I could barely handle watching the first time she did it. There’s something wrong with me. “So how are you?”
I look at her and she doesn’t have that look when people ask me that question. That look that people give you whenever something tragic happens in your life, their eyes give you this look of pity. Sometimes it’s a little watery as if the sheer sight of you makes them want to cry, but no, not Grace. She’s looking at me like she just wants to know how I’m doing and I’m grateful that she’s looking at me like…I’m normal.
I shrug and take a sip of my coffee. “I’m fine,” There’s no hidden meaning behind that because honestly I’m fine.
She does it again, looking at me like I’m normal because whenever I make that my answer people raise their brows as if they’re expecting me to give them a whole outline of how I don’t really sleep at night. Or how I have nightmares, or condemn myself on the things I had no control over but somehow swear that I did. She just smiles and moves the conversation on.
I peel the wrapper from my blueberry muffin and take a piece off and politely place it into my mouth.
“How is your favorite muffin?” She asks with honest curiosity.
“Still my favorite,” My mouth half full and she points to it, silently asking for a piece.
I don’t normally share my muffin with just anyone but for her I’ll make an exception and I seem to do that a lot… make exceptions for her. I don’t know why that is. I don’t know much when it comes to her, I should probably start trying to make sense of that.
Her response is the same as when she ate the brownie and I can’t help but stare again. I don’t know how someone makes eating a muffin or brownie so damn enticing but she’s doing a bang up job.
“What’s the verdict?” I re
dundantly ask because it’s clear that it’s delicious. She’s licks the crumbs from her thumb and nods in affirmation. She takes a sip of her cappuccino and a bit of foam stays at the corner of her mouth. I try to gesture towards it without causing too much embarrassment. She keeps just missing it and asks me to get it. I choke on air and quickly catch my breath.
“Are you okay?”
I gasp a little. “Yeah, yeah, I’m cool.”
I’m not though. I’m really not. That was so bad. Who chokes on air like that?
I look at her and still see the foam at the corner of her mouth. I reach my hand across the table and wipe it away for her with my thumb and accidentally brush over her bottom lip. I stop my hand midair at how natural the motion felt for me.
She mumbles out a thank you and I just nod dropping my hand into my lap. I order them to stay and look back up the blonde.
“This place is really great Emma. I don’t know how I’ve never been here before. I’m always looking for cozy coffee shops to just sit and write in.”
“That’s very Hemmingway of you.”
Her mouth shoots out into a large smile and I can tell she’s extremely flattered by the comparison.
“Yeah he’s one of my favorites. So you do read!”
I laugh out loud at our ongoing joke, and I notice that I’m building a lot of ongoing things with this girl. The jokes, the quip on taking a chance on things, the running into her at different places, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be able to keep her at arm’s length.
“It took me a while to get to the big words but I manage. Yeah I like Hemmingway. During one of my leaves when I didn’t come home I went to Paris and hung out in Shakespeare and Co. all day. It was surreal. I’m by no means a writer but I can only imagine what it would feel like for one to be where the greats once hung out.”
She looks at me with amazement and I quickly become uncomfortable. I look away nervously and she just picks up where I left off.