Wanting to Love You (Houston's Finest Book 3)

by Erin Rylie

  “Once all of this is over though, when my mom has—” His sentence was choked off by a heavy swallow, and her heart hurt for him. She would never understand why incredible people like Beth died so young while her shitty parents continued to live.

  “What’s to say your anger won’t come right back in six months, or a year, or five years? You’ve let it go for now, but what if we start something and all of that resentment festers? We can’t build a relationship on a weak foundation, you know?”

  They both fell silent for a moment, Becky thinking through everything he’d said. Something about the dark of the room loosened her tongue and made it easier to have this conversation with him, one she’d never imagined she’d get to have.

  “Well, the more I think things through, the less angry I feel at you. It wasn’t your fault or my fault that everything fell apart. There are two people to blame for our breakup, and neither of them are in this room. Do I wish that you’d told me everything and let me make my own decision? Sure, but who’s to say that we could’ve made it work under such intense pressure from my parents anyway? Maybe this is how it was meant to be, you know? Maybe we were meant to spend time apart, growing into adults before we found each other again.”

  “Maybe,” he conceded quietly.

  “I think the real elephant in the room is the anger you hold toward me. Every time I see you with Ryker, I regret not trying harder to get in touch with you. I was just a terrified teenager though, you know? I ran away from home after my parents tried to force me to have an abortion, and all I cared about for ten years was getting my child back. I felt so self-righteous in my anger all these years. You left us, so what right did you have to know your son? It all seems so petty now.”

  “I won’t lie to you, every time I think about the years I lost with him, I get angry all over again. It’s something I need to work through, and I don’t know how long that will take. Like you said though, we aren’t the people who caused all of this. Both of us just spent all of these years hating each other when the real culprits sat back smugly and watched. They watched you fight alone for a son I never even knew I had. I can’t even imagine how scared you were, or how brave you had to be at such a young age to run from everything you knew. Sometimes it still makes me angry that you kept him from me, that you chose to fight for him alone instead of letting me help you. But then I think about how fucking incredible you are for never giving up, and I’m in awe of the strength it must have taken to fight for him every single day for years, never giving up hope that you would get Ryker back. I honestly can’t imagine a better mother for my child.”

  Tears pooled in her eyes and streaked down her cheeks to fall on his shoulder. Reese turned so that instead of looking at the ceiling, he was studying her face in the dark. “All these years I’ve felt like something was missing from my life. I’ve never been able to make a relationship work because my heart was never really in it. You stole a part of me back in high school, and I never managed to take it back. So I don’t know what this is, or where it could possibly go, but now that you’re back in my life it feels wrong to be just friends. I don’t know how to have any kind of relationship with you without wanting to hold you, and kiss you, and fall asleep with you in my arms every night. You’ve always been the only person outside of my family that I can really talk to, and I don’t want to lose that. Even though there has been nothing but hurt between us for so many years, I think that we have a chance to take our life back. The life we planned together as stupid teenagers in love could really be ours now.”

  Becky traced the features of his face with her fingertips, learning them all over again. So much of him reminded her of the boy he used to be, but there was a ruggedness to him now that she appreciated.

  What good had all of her anger done her over the years? Her lingering feelings and resentment for Reese had burrowed its way into every relationship in her life. The fear that anyone she got close to would leave her like he did ate away at her. Now that she was back in his arms, she wondered how she could have ever lain in bed with anyone else and felt that it was right. In that moment, she realized that she hadn’t. Not a single man she’d been with since Reese had fit her the way he had, and she doubted anyone ever could. Was it really possible to find your soulmate in high school? She didn’t know that she believed in such things, but there was no denying how well they fit together.

  She leaned forward and kissed him lightly. “I’m willing to try to set all of the bullshit from our past aside so that we can try again. I think it would be naive to say that all of the anger I’ve felt will just disappear overnight because we’ve had this conversation, and I wouldn’t believe you if you said the same. I do think that if we agree to always talk it out, though, we can work through it together.”

  “I agree.”

  They were silent for a few minutes before Reese spoke again.

  “Looks like you just landed yourself a boyfriend.”

  Becky laughed and twined her legs with his, burrowing deeper into his warmth. “I see you’re still just as smooth as you were when you were seventeen.”

  Reese groaned and started laughing. “I just realized that the advice Carlos gave me worked. He said we should just bang it out. It may have taken two tries, but we did. Don’t you dare tell him he was right.”

  “I would never. Nobody wants to live in a world where Carlos Ramirez gives solid dating advice.”

  The next morning, Becky woke up before her alarm to Reese wrapped around her like an octopus. Her back was pressed tightly to his front, and his arm and leg were thrown possessively over her body. His deep, even breaths indicated that he was sound asleep, but his hold on her didn’t loosen. She let his warmth envelop and comfort her as she thought about their current predicament.

  When she’d made the decision to introduce Reese to Ryker as a family friend, she’d been worried that Reese wouldn’t stick around. She hadn’t trusted him at all, and it had impacted the way that she allowed his relationship with their son to develop. Now, she wanted Ryker to know his family—his grandmother before she passed away and his uncle while he was in town.

  Though she wasn’t able to completely dispel the fear that Reese would vanish from their lives randomly someday, she wanted to trust that he was in their lives to stay. Even if they didn’t manage to make this relationship work, he and Ryker both deserved the chance to have a father-and-son relationship.

  The guilt she felt over taking that away from Ryker consumed her, and she tensed in Reese’s embrace. Becky felt him stir immediately, and she realized that he was so attuned to her every move that her sudden frustration had woken him up.

  “What’s wrong?” Reese murmured, his voice rough with sleep.

  “Nothing, I just can’t fall back asleep.”

  “Liar.”

  That quickly she’d fallen back into bad habits. Instead of talking things out with Reese like a partner, she had tried to conceal her frustrations. If this had even the slightest shot of lasting, she knew that she needed to let him in.

  “I was thinking about Ryker. We’ve introduced him to you as a family friend. I want him to have a relationship with you as his father, and I’m so mad at myself for letting my mistrust color his life. I feel like telling him that you’re his father now will negatively impact his relationship with me. Ryker doesn’t like it when people lie to him, he doesn’t understand the purpose, and it frustrates him. What the hell are we going to do?”

  “Well,” he started slowly. “Jesse and Kate are flying in today. They’ve left their little ones with Kate’s parents and have an extended-stay hotel booked here so that they can stay as long as they need to. The plan is for us to get them checked into the hotel and then Kate told me that they want to sit down and talk about the expenses involved with her care. I’m hoping that won’t take long since I have a list of all of the expenses and the paperwork ready, so hopefully we can wrap that up and get Mom settled at home in time for dinner.”

  Though she could te
ll that Reese was trying to keep his emotions out of their current discussion, she could hear the sadness in his voice when he talked about bringing Beth home with a nurse. She knew that the nurse would be with hospice, an end-of-life care service, and her heart hurt for their family. Becky turned in Reese’s arms so that they were face to face, and planted a featherlight kiss on his lips.

  “I’m sorry, Reese.”

  “Me, too,” he replied quietly. “But let’s not talk about that right now. We need to figure out how we are going to handle the mess we’re in with Ryker. I’ll be honest, I don’t really see any way around telling him the truth. He’s a smart kid, though; maybe if we tell him everything—that you were just looking out for him and that you didn’t mean for it to be a hurtful lie—he will understand.”

  “I’m just so scared that I made a huge mistake and he won’t trust me after this.”

  “Becky, our son loves you so much. I’m sure he will be upset, but you two will get through it. He’s lucky to have such an incredible mom, and I think he knows it.”

  “You really think so?”

  “Yes, of course I do. This might be me being selfish, but I also think that we should tell him this weekend. Neither you nor I has work for the next two days, and with Jesse coming into town, and Mom getting settled back home, this is a great time for you and Ryker to sit down, discuss this, and decide if he’s ready to meet more of his family.”

  “I don’t think it’s selfish of you. I agree that this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later.”

  Reese glanced at the clock on Becky’s bedside table. “No time like the present. I assume he gets up at seven even on weekends?”

  Becky smiled at how quickly Reese had learned their son’s routine. “Yes, he does. Which means you need to get out of my bed.”

  Reese rolled on top of her, pinning her hips to the bed with his own. “What a shame. I haven’t gotten to show you how much I like mornings yet.”

  Becky could feel the evidence of his words pressing into her and fought back a moan. Ryker would be up in half an hour; they didn’t have time for this.

  “Well, maybe the next time you stay here you’ll wake up earlier and show me.”

  Reese groaned, burying his face in her shoulder. “I don’t want to jerk off in the shower like a fucking teenager.”

  “Should’ve thought of that before you slept in like a heathen.”

  “Six-thirty can hardly be considered sleeping in,” he mumbled, his face still buried in her shoulder. He gave her a quick nip there before getting out of bed naked as the day he was born. She couldn’t help but admire how well built he was. He was muscular as a teenager, but now he was a fucking brick house. His shoulders were broad, and his frame tapered down to a trim waist. Becky also had to admit to herself that he had the finest ass she’d ever seen on a man.

  He was in the process of slipping his pants on when he caught her staring at his backside. “You sure you want me to leave now?”

  Becky reached over to the side of the bed he’d slept on and grabbed his pillow to cover her face. She could feel how flushed her cheeks were and knew that if prompted again she would beg him to stay. Instead of replying with words, she pointed in the general direction of her bedroom door in a plea for him to leave.

  She heard him laugh softly, and after a moment, the click of the door indicated that he’d left her alone in her room. If she stayed in bed she knew that her mind would dwell on all of the big decisions she’d made last night and this morning. Starting something with Reese again was a huge risk. He was the only man she’d ever let into her heart, and the teenage girl inside of her still reeled with the hurt he’d caused when he’d left. Now that she knew he’d left with good reason, the hurt had lessened, but the pain of those months she spent pregnant and alone still haunted her.

  She was also terrified to tell Ryker the truth of his parentage. Their relationship had been amazing over the last few months, but she still felt as though their bond was tenuous. The last thing she wanted to do was lose that with him. She was just learning her son’s language of affection, and she could tell that he was really starting to trust her. Would this new revelation shatter that? Could she rebuild it with him?

  All of these thoughts bounced around and took up residence in her head as she got ready for her day. She threw on high-waisted black shorts with a gray shirt tucked into them, and tamed her curls with some product before throwing her hair up into an artfully messy bun. She didn’t bother with makeup, assuming she would cry it all off over the course of the day anyway. If Ryker agreed to meet Beth, they would probably do it today or tomorrow, and Becky knew that it would be a tough reunion for her.

  She’d managed to get ready pretty quickly, but by the time she walked out of her room, she heard voices. Apparently Ryker and Reese were already up and making breakfast. She couldn’t help her smile as she thought about the two of them bonding, and quietly made her way to the kitchen. She stopped just outside the entrance to listen to the conversation between two of the most important people in her life.

  “I always have oatmeal for breakfast, though.”

  She heard Reese hum. “Well, why don’t you have oatmeal today and maybe you can try a couple bites of waffle, too?”

  The room was silent as Ryker considered the proposition. “I would still have a full bowl of oatmeal? Just with a little bit of waffle on the side?”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “What if I get too full to finish my oatmeal because I eat some waffle?”

  “Then I’ll help you eat the rest of your oatmeal. I’m never full.”

  “Never? I don’t think that’s possible.”

  Reese laughed, the sound loud in Becky’s small kitchen. “All right, let me reword that. It takes a lot to fill me up.”

  “That’s because you’re so big,” Ryker stated in his matter-of-fact tone.

  “You’ll probably be pretty big when you grow up, too.”

  Before that conversation could continue, Becky walked into the kitchen to interrupt. “Good morning! Did I hear something about waffles?”

  “Yeah, good to see some things never change. I found your waffle maker in the pantry. Still obsessed?”

  “Duh. Waffles with peanut butter and syrup are life.”

  Ryker looked at her in confusion. “Mom, do I have to eat my waffles with peanut butter? That sounds gross.”

  Reese raised both hands over his head in triumph. “I told you! I told you this ten years ago and I finally found someone who agrees with me! Gross.”

  “Shut your mouth and make my waffles. I’m just amazed you still remember the recipe.”

  “Hard to forget something that you drilled into me almost every Saturday morning for a year,” Reese retorted, throwing a smirk and a wink at her over his shoulder.

  Becky shrugged and grabbed a mug from the cupboard to fill with coffee. As she walked by Reese to get her coffee, she saw his hands tighten on the bowl and whisk he was holding as he prepared waffle batter and could tell that he wanted to reach out and grab her. She wanted that, too, but was glad that he refrained. They were already about to turn their son’s world upside down. Things needed to be revealed in stages.

  She filled her cup with coffee, adding a dash of creamer before snatching a small handful of change from a bowl full of it that she kept on the counter. She placed the coins on the table in front of Ryker and took her seat. He liked to organize coins in neat stacks by their size and color when he was feeling stressed or thinking something through, and she had a feeling he would need them soon.

  Her stomach was in knots as she tried to decide how to broach the subject. For his part, Ryker didn’t hesitate to slide the small pile of coins closer to himself and start sorting them. The kitchen was suddenly quiet, filled only with the sounds of coins being stacked and moved, and Reese preparing breakfast.

  She was glad that he’d decided to make their food; she didn’t think that she could focus on getting the oa
tmeal just right when she was so nervous. This was a conversation she was both looking forward to and dreading.

  She wanted Ryker to have a close relationship with his father, but she hated that she had lied to him. Becky doubted that he would understand she had just done it to protect him. His nine-year-old analytical mind would focus on the fact that she hadn’t been honest with him.

  For a moment, she sat at the table with her coffee and studied her son’s face. His eyebrows were drawn together in concentration, and with his expression so focused, he was the splitting image of Reese. They had the same hair and eyes, but it really hit her in that moment how much of his father her son had in him.

  Like Reese, he was quiet and considerate, always thinking things through before speaking. He tended to internalize his thoughts when he wasn’t sure how to express what he was feeling, and he liked to keep his hands busy. All of these things could be attributed to his Asperger’s, but they were also traits he shared with Reese as well.

  As he stacked the coins in front of him, Becky gathered her courage. Some part of her was excited to tell him, to see his bond with Reese blossom in the way it was meant to. “Ryker, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

  His eyes darted up to briefly meet hers before settling on her ear for a moment and then returning to the task in front of him. “Okay.”

  “Well, I know that when you first met Reese I told you that he was an old family friend, but he’s actually a little bit closer to us than I told you at first.”

  Her son’s hands stilled for a moment before returning to action. She took that as her cue to continue.

  “He is an old friend from high school, but we actually dated back then. We were in love and together for about a year, and at the end of that year, I found out that I was pregnant with you.”

  Again, Becky paused to give Ryker time to absorb what she was trying to tell him. He looked over his shoulder at Reese who had stopped making breakfast and was looking at his son with the most heartbreakingly hopeful expression on his face.