Because He's Perfect

by Anna Edwards

  The family have decided to go away for the New Year, this is going to be fun. People who don’t know me looking at me and commenting behind my back. Wondering if I am crazy, I can confirm that I am crazy, in a Zac crazy kind of way.

  December 30th

  So, diary, I do have a downside to my life. You see I have Tourette’s. It is the one thing I live with and it sometimes takes its toll. The real term is St Giles Tourette’s Syndrome. Most of the time I can suppress my tics but today it’s taking over. The nodding of the head, the silly squeaks etc. I haven’t always shown the symptoms. Was I born with it? Who knows! I was 10 when the symptoms first started. I remember it being just little head nods to start off with, then they increased dramatically to full blown head jerking, how my head stayed on my shoulders I’m not sure. I remember my eyes having a mind of their own and just going in all different directions. Then came little coughs. Like throat clearing because I felt I had something stuck there. I just couldn’t stop them. My parents were very worried, I was booked in to see a neurologist at the local children’s centre. I can’t really remember much about what happened apart from the MRI scan I had. OMG, what is it with that big scary machine? They put a cage around my head and it was as though I was trapped. At least they had the kindness to put a decent movie on. I remember it was Alvin and the Chipmunks. My tics changed frequently, sometimes they were vocal tics sometimes motor tics. I was exhausted. They wax and wane, this is where they start off small and then increase in ferocity and they subside again. However, as they are subsiding another tic will take its place and the vicious cycle starts again.

  It’s the stress, the unknown, the unfamiliarity of things that makes them worse. I love to live in my own little cocoon. Where I’m not judged for being different. I like order, no forget that. I love order. Everything has a place -- things have to be lined up. I twitch when I see something out of sequence and have to go and straighten them. I always shop with my mum and about 3 hours later after ordering the shelves we might get to the isle we need.

  I struggled so hard in the beginning. Why was this happening to me? What had I done to deserve it? I was already being teased for being different due to my sexuality and the way I acted. I loved all things girly and the boys in my school were not kind or understanding. Words really do hurt. Then this on top was the last straw.

  Luckily, my parents are supportive and will fight to the end for me. They’re people I can rely on to always be there and support me, stand by me and guide me.

  OMG. I can’t believe I have just written all that. Spilling my guts onto paper. I feel like I need to call you something other than diary. You are becoming my closest companion. It feels unusual to talk to someone, other than myself that is. I knew there was a chance of me going insane from loneliness. But really, this early! Let’s think of a name for you. I will get back to you on this subject matter.

  Chapter Two

  January

  January 1st

  So I think I have a name but let’s try some other ones out first. Erm, Genovive, Evan, Bartholomew. No let’s go a little crazy and call you Bob. Not sure why, but a Bob seems reliable. Do you agree?

  Anyway, let me tell you about our New Year's Eve antics.

  Last night was a blast, NOT! Bowling was the activity my parents decided we should do as a family. Were my parents trying to make me depressed for the New Year? I just wanted to lay in my bed and see the New Year in with an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I want to learn how to hide my balls, not throw them across the room. But it was the nearest thing to a strike I’d ever come close to in the near future.

  January 15th

  Hi Bob, sorry I have not been around for a while. Things have been a little hectic to say the least. My cousin gave birth to a little boy. So, we have had to go and do the family thing. Why do people always ask the same questions when a baby is born and you always do the same response when answered?

  1. How much did he weigh? 9lb 4oz, ooh that’s a good weight. But what you really want to say is: no, it isn’t, that’s bloody heavy. I wouldn’t want to part with that. How the hell did you get that out?

  2. What have you called him? Rufus, ooh that’s a good name. But what you really want to say is: Isn’t that what you call a dog?

  It’s hard not to actually say those things out loud. My mind was just going mental. I had to walk outside and actually say it to get it off repeat in my head. To be fair though he is a little cutie.

  January 23rd

  Hi Bob, my tics have been rife again lately. The new tic I currently have is a vocal one. I keep coughing. The looks I get off people is becoming quite annoying now. Anyone would think it was contagious. I hate the stares that I get off people. I feel their eyes burning into me and it is so intense I am sure I would set on fire. I know I am pretty but, try and keep it in your pants. I feel myself becoming more recluse as the days have gone on. I don’t want to be outside at the moment. If I stop in my room until they subside a little, I know it will help with my anxiety. It should also help them wane quicker.

  Chapter Three

  February

  February 14th - Valentine's day,

  Oh Bob, everyone is in love it seems, well everyone but me. Third wheeling has become second nature to me. I think you are my only love Bob. I just need someone to love me for me. Tics and all. I might shout out something really random, most of the time it is the stuff I don’t want to come out that does. I might squeak like a mouse. But I’m alone again this year. I'll have the Virgin Mary quaking soon. She will think I am coming for her brand? I think I might apply for a spot on the undatables. Cupid has definitely missed me somewhere along his path. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring as it’s my birthday. I’ll just wait and see.

  February 15th

  Good evening Bob, today is my 16th birthday. Sixteen years I’ve been on this earth. It’s time to find love. Eek, Mr Right is just around the corner. Well I hope so anyway! But could he cope with all my crazy? Let’s wait and see.

  The day was average, as I had to go to school. Only a couple of months left to go until I do my exams and finish. I can’t wait for the next chapter to begin in my life.

  However, this evening was brilliant. My parents surprised me with tickets to a drag show run by a local company. They are called The Funky Divas; I went with my mum. Dad is supportive but he’s still a man’s man. I think him going there was a little bit above his comfort zone.

  Well, we’ve never laughed so hard. The show was amazing. They sure knew how to put on a show. What I wouldn’t give to try that. I wonder what it would be like to be so free and dress like they do. I am sure I could give them a run for their money in a lip sync battle. I need to look into this lifestyle more. It’s fascinated me for years. I remember wearing my cousin’s dress up. The feel of the dress on my skin. I was so comfortable in it. Nothing like being a princess to make you feel special.

  I am not sure that having my tics and drag would work though. Especially with my anxiety and the thought of crowded places, people looking at me makes me worse. I can just see me now, half way through an act and all of a sudden, I throw my arms about and my head jerks, along with a couple of grunts. I would be a laughing stock. Or could it be the new death drop. I could definitely own that new move or they would just think I am on crack. It might work out?

  February 27th

  Hi Bob, so I have been watching an excessive amount of makeup tutorials recently, which isn’t unusual for me but I have been actually considering it. Its like using a tampon really, it’s only for some. After seeing the makeup at the Funky Diva show, I decided I need to see what it’s all about for myself. I asked my mum the other day if we could go out and get me some make-up to trial. It was so hard to ask her. But she probably knew there was something going off with how prominent my tics are. As my tics are quite bad at the moment we have decided to go once they wane. I would be more of a danger to myself with some of the pieces than normal. I will just have to wait a little while.
r />   Chapter Four

  March

  March 16th

  Eek Bob, so my tics have currently lessened. Time to go shopping for make-up. It can’t be too hard to put on makeup; the tutorials look so easy. Mum has told me to make a list and we’ll call in to town at the weekend for what I need. Here goes:

  Colour correction, drag queens use this to help with five o’clock shadow etc. It’s an orange colour.

  Foundation

  Concealer

  Setting powder

  Eyeshadow palette

  Blush

  Highlight

  Contour

  Bronzer

  Eyeliner

  Mascara

  Lashes

  Lip liner

  Lipstick/lip-gloss

  Setting spray

  Tools:

  Foundation brush

  Sponge

  Face brushes

  Eye brushes

  I am sure I will have forgotten something. But I can add these to the list later.

  Tourettes is just one part of my illness. With that comes other comorbidities, illnesses, traits. Call them what you want. You’ll always find something else attached to it. ADHD, autistic traits, OCD etc. For me it’s OCD and anxiety. The need for perfection can be too much at times. When I was younger and first started with the symptoms I was bullied. I was different, so I was an easy target. At ten-years old, already not normal to the other boys and then this made my life hell. I remember telling my parents that I’d had enough and didn’t want to live. My parents were so heartbroken, Bob.

  However, they did what any loving parent would do. They fought for me. They got me help. Talking to the Counsellor was the best thing for me. They taught me coping mechanisms, made me see that this isn’t about me, my disabilities or sexual preferences. This was the bully's problem. I learnt to accept that and it has made me into a better person for sure.

  My OCD and anxiety seem to be kicking in as I write this Bob. I know I said I could add to the list later but knowing I have forgotten something doesn’t sit right within my gut. My chest feels tight, my palms are sweaty and they stick to my jeans as I rub them on my legs. That’s the anxiety. I can’t seem to shut my brain off and I’m going over the list again and again trying to remember. That there is the OCD. Having to have everything in order. I feel so helpless at times like this

  March 18th

  Hi Bob, yesterday was a bad day for me. The tics have been rife. Especially the motor tics. At the moment it’s the head nodding. It doesn’t normally come back so quick but my brain was working overtime trying to remember what it is I needed to add to the list. It was driving me mad.

  It’s 2am and I have just remembered what it is I need.

  Glue stick (for my eyebrows)

  Eyebrow pomade

  Maybe now my brain will shut off for a little while so I can get some sleep and I can stop looking like the nodding dog from that car advert.

  March 20th

  Today’s the day Bob, shopping trip day. I will let you know how I get on when I get back. I am so excited!

  OMG. I never realised there were so many colours to choose from. Mum took me to the local shopping centre. We had an amazing time. All the colours stacked neatly in a row from reds to pinks from blues to blacks. Wow. How was I meant to choose? Mum took me to one of the stalls that does makeovers. When we explained to the assistant what we wanted she was shocked to say the least. However, we did the tests to find out my colour, which is ivory apparently, who’d have known? When I sat down to do the makeover, I was so nervous. My tics started to play up. Trying to keep still and suppress them was so draining and at one point I just couldn’t do anything. My tic must have lasted a good 5 minutes. The assistant stood there not knowing what to do. Mum explained to her what my condition was. When she said I had Tourette’s the assistant was like, “I haven’t heard him swear,” the conception people have of Tourette’s is the swearing and shouting out. Yes, whilst that is a condition it doesn’t happen to everyone. I have the simple motor and simple vocal tics. The loud shouting and inappropriate words, big jerks etc are classed as complex tics. Did you know Bob that only around 1 in 10 people who have Tourette’s will have corprolalia (the swearing/obscenity tic). It's the news that portraits Tourette’s as that.

  Once the assistant was aware of my condition everything changed. She was more relaxed and we had fun. We tried numerous colours and styles. By the time I walked out of there, I was ready to party. It’s hard to express what a mere makeover had done. I felt like me, that I had finally found who I am meant to be. It is what I want, it is what I need to be. I felt at ease in my own skin.

  This was also going to be quite expensive so we decided to buy some foundation and then I went to see my cousin who has a shiz ton of makeup and I just took some of hers. It’s good having female cousins that I get to share things with.

  March 22nd

  Hi Bob, so I tried doing my makeup. I put on YouTube and followed the tutorial of James Charles. It looks so easy watching it. But OMG, I looked like I had been smacked with a wet cloth. At one point whilst putting on the mascara I had a tic with my arm. The mascara brush shot up and got stuck in my hair, along with a black streak up my forehead. I think I may look at doing comedy drag makeup. This way little obstacles like this won’t matter much.

  Chapter Five

  April

  April 1st

  Happy April’s Fools Day, Bob, do you have any tricks up your sleeve? Mum was telling us today what her dad used to do to her and her sisters. You could write a book just listening to the pranks he used to pull. He would have been great on that show with the old people. Off Their Rockers, I think it was called.

  I have been practicing more with my makeup. It is getting better slowly. I have decided to go with the clown makeup though. It has been so much easier to do. I don’t worry if I make a mistake. Every time. I tried to do the glamour look I had a knot in my stomach. It just didn’t feel right. Now though I could pass as Trixie Matell’s twin. Well her younger sister actually. Don’t mean to brag.

  April 10th

  Good evening Bob, I have some exciting news for you. I went ice skating with my friends and was introduced to a guy. His name is Callum and I think he could be the one. You know, THE ONE! He made my heart skip a beat. I felt my face flush as he spoke to me. He didn’t flinch when I started to make noises or twitch. They started to increase as I was nervous, but I managed to keep them at bay to an extent. My palms were sweaty as mum’s spaghetti and not through anxiety. I think I am in love. We skated around talking for over an hour and then when to get a burger from the kiosk. He is seventeen and goes to the local college. He was telling me he is studying A-levels in English, maths and economics. He says he wants to be a lawyer. We’ve agreed to meet up again at skating next week. Hopefully he isn’t straight.

  April 17th

  Bob, I am seeing Callum again this evening at skating. What should I wear? Should I try to make an effort or just try to be me. To be honest I don’t think I should be getting attached this quickly. Every time I get close to someone they leave me. Be that a friend or a relative. I think I need to take a step back and play it careful. What if he isn’t gay, what if I am friend zoned. I can’t take that rejection again. Women say most good looking men are either married or gay. But I say, trust me it isn’t the truth. If you want someone come to me, I have plenty. Mine are either taken, straight or way too old apparently.

  I will update you later Bob on my adventures this evening.

  Bob, Bob, Bob, I need to tell you something. Tonight I could die from excitement. RIP, Walking Dead kind of stuff. It went so well. Callum showed up and came straight to me. I don’t blame him since I am kind of beautiful. We skated and chatted for ages. We have so much in common. I had a feeling in my stomach I have never had before. It wasn’t nerves or even anxiety. It was just different. I felt safe around him and I was able to be myself. Now time to go to sleep and dream of a hopeful future.
/>
  April 18th

  My tics are waxing again today. I think it was from suppressing them yesterday. Whilst I can be myself with Callum I don’t want him to see the bad side of my tics yet. So I knew today would be harder than normal. I have decided I am just going to rest today.

  April 23rd

  Bob, what would you think if I told you that there is a talent comp on the 18th July and I want to enter as a drag queen? A teenage one at that. I think I could learn a few lip sync songs, or maybe do some on the spot comedy (cause we all know I am funny as). But what if I forget the words, what if my death drop goes wrong and I break my coccyx? What do you think I should do Bob?

  April 24th

  So I filled in the application form for the talent comp before I could chicken out. Now I need to decide on a name and my act.