Because He's Perfect

by Anna Edwards

  I couldn’t see anything. It was still dark everywhere, and all I could do was stare up above and wait for something to come into focus. A bright ball of light was thrust in front of me at once, and I threw an aching hand up to my eyes to cover them, wincing at the brightness of it.

  “Hey, buddy. You’re safe. You’re going to be okay.”

  “Where am I?” I croaked, feeling like I needed to shout. He sounded so far away. “Hey?” I called louder, trying to be heard above the ringing in my ears. “Talk to me.”

  “Can you feel your legs?” he asked, making me frown harder.

  “Yeah,” I croaked back at him. Of course I could feel my fucking legs.

  “This one doesn’t look too bad,” he said, and I had the feeling he was talking to someone else. I tried to look behind me, but there some kind of dust was pouring down over my face, making it hard to breathe or do anything of use. My eyes scrunched together, and I pushed my head down, trying to find clean air.

  “Where…” I coughed hard. “Where the hell are we?”

  The long pause between us spoke of danger and bad news.

  “Stay calm. You’re going to be okay—you’re still on the train,” he eventually responded.

  Rolling onto my side, I sniffed up, the smell of something foul hitting my nostrils and making me cough harder. “What’s that smell?”

  “It’s better you don’t know.”

  “W-what the fuck happened?”

  Another pause, and when I tried to open my eyes, I saw the silhouette of a man hovering above me. He wasn’t far away, as I originally thought. He was right there, no more than a few inches between us.

  “We don’t know for certain yet. All we do know is that we need to get you off this carriage… and we need to do it now.”

  “Here you go, Sonny,” Kellie said, kneeling beside me as she held out a glass of water.

  I snapped back into reality, hating the way I lived my life in the past and present more often than not these days.

  Taking a drink, I stared at that small pile of dirt in the corner, unable to take my eyes off it.

  “You feeling better?” she asked quietly.

  “Not really.”

  “Today is not a good day for you.”

  “No shit.”

  “I guess I’ll have to pick another time to pluck up the courage then.”

  “Courage to do what?” I muttered, not really paying attention.

  “Finally ask you out.” Kellie sighed above me.

  My ears had suffered some damage from the explosion four years ago, so I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly when I turned my head her way and took her in. I had to blink a few times to adjust my focus, like some kind of idiot with a twitch he couldn’t rid himself of, but when I looked into her eyes, I saw her for the first time as a living, breathing person… not as some random voice, hovering above.

  Her brown eyes were filled with sadness, not sympathy, and her soft smile was genuine, her perfect row of white teeth flashing my way. She had chestnut hair cut into a pretty short style that framed her face, and a cute button nose that made her look younger than she probably was.

  “What did you just say to me?” I asked quietly.

  “Nothing.” Kellie shook her head. “Ignore me. If there’s something to say at the wrong time, you can bet your arse I’m going to be the one saying it.”

  I frowned, my heart racing when all I wanted it to do was calm the fuck down. “Have we even met before?”

  “Jeez. You know how to make a girl feel invisible.” Kellie chuckled, her fingers squeezing my shoulder, and it was only then that I realised she was holding onto me, and I hadn’t flinched or pushed her away. “Sorry,” she muttered, carefully pulling her hand away when she noticed my eyes zoning in on it.

  When I looked back up at her face, there was a small blush to her cheeks, and I couldn’t look away from it.

  Those damn blushes.

  “Should I leave you alone?” she asked, looking nervous.

  “Probably.”

  “Just for today, or for always?”

  I exhaled through my nostrils, a huff of barely-there laughter surprising me as much as her. “As flattered as I am, Kellie, I’m a bit of a fucking mess right now. You should probably find yourself someone with fewer complications.”

  “What if I like complications?”

  “I’d say you’re a masochist.”

  “Maybe.” She winked, and I felt a weird stirring in my stomach. “Still… it’s something for you to think about. Or not. Whatever.”

  With a tender pat on my arm, Kellie stood and walked away, and I couldn’t help but watch her confident yet casual strides before she disappeared around the corner, leaving me to look back and find Lee standing above me, his eyes wide open and his mouth parted.

  “Did she just… hit on you?”

  “It sounded like it.”

  “You handsome bastard, you.”

  “Pack it in,” I groaned, moving to stand up on shaky legs. My body ached, but my mind more so.

  “Are you gonna go out with her?” he asked carefully, handing over a packet of Ibuprofen he somehow predicted I would need. I popped two into my hand and passed the packet back to him.

  “No,” I answered firmly, throwing the pills down my neck and chasing it with the water Kellie had given me.

  Lee sighed, and when I lowered my drink, I saw resignation in his eyes.

  “What?”

  “Just because they didn’t live, mate, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

  And then he walked past me without saying another word, leaving me to stare at the exit ahead of me and do what I always do best…

  Walk away.

  Sleep wasn’t a problem for me when I got home that afternoon. My body was fucked.

  The minute my cheek hit the pillow, I was gone, falling down the dark, dismal rabbit hole.

  And there, at the bottom of that hole, the screams were waiting, as always. The Hell I’d been thrown into ready to taunt me again.

  “No more survivors,” the paramedic told me. We were standing outside the carriage, his face as black and sooty as mine. We were nothing more than walking, talking wrecks with dirty faces and tear-stained eyes.

  “You have to check again,” I told him, pointing to the front of the carriage.

  “Sir, please, we’ve been over this.”

  “She’s about five years old. Her mother was with her. The mum… she’s wearing this khaki-coloured shirt, blouse thing that tied around her waist.” My hands gesticulated as I talked, describing everything with as much energy as I could muster. “Her hair was down. Blonde—bright fucking blonde, man, like the sun. Her little girl had pigtails in; those cute ones that bounce on the top of a kid’s head. Francis and Faith, those are their names, and they’re on that carriage, both of them.” I pointed up ahead to the doors they’d walked through to get to me. “They have to be.”

  The paramedic looked up at me, the whites of his eyes strained with threads of red running through them.

  “Please,” I begged quietly, my voice cracking.

  “There were no more.”

  “Don’t say that again. Don’t…”

  “You were the last one in there we could save,” he whispered with regret.

  The man who’d woken me up and dragged me off the carriage was standing beside me, his arm around my shoulder, his head bowed down while the paramedic told me the fate of Francis and Faith.

  “No,” I breathed.

  “I know you’re in pain,” the paramedic croaked, “but you have to follow the others. If you can help anybody, please do, but we need to clear these tracks. We don’t know when—”

  “No,” I cut him off, and I stared back at the unhinged doors Francis and Faith had walked through less than an hour before. “No,” I said firmer, and I shrugged the man holding onto me away before I charged to the carriage, desperate to get back on and take a look for myself.

  I made it three feet befo
re I was pulled back by several pairs of hands, my cries becoming one with the cacophony of screams around me.

  I woke with a jolt, the phone at the side of my bed ringing on the nightstand.

  The room had fallen darker, but the sun hadn’t fully gone down outside, and when I checked my clock, the time read 21:38.

  My life was lame.

  Reaching out, I grabbed my brand new iPhone 3GS and accepted the call, rolling onto my back with a groggy groan, my arm draping over my eyes.

  “Hello.”

  “Sonny?”

  “Yeah?” I frowned.

  “Hey.”

  “Kellie?” I croaked, recognising her voice.

  “Ah, so I did leave an impression on you. Jackpot.”

  What the fuck was she calling me for, and how did she get my number? Apparently, I didn’t keep those thoughts in my head. In my half-asleep state, I’d spoken them, too.

  “You know, for a really hot guy, you can be a little on the rude side at times,” she hit back, her voice filled with amusement.

  “Sorry.” I moved my arm to pinch the bridge of my nose. “I just…”

  “... Wanted to know why the fuck I was calling you and how I got your number. Yeah, I got that. Lee gave me your deets, obviously.”

  “Right.”

  “And the reason I’m calling you is—”

  “Kellie, don’t do this,” I interrupted, knowing what was coming. The girl had balls, I had to hand it to her, but I wasn’t an arsehole by nature, and being made to feel like one when I’d made it quite clear where my head was at was only going to piss me off even more.

  “Do what?”

  “The whole, you know, asking me out thing.”

  She laughed, her amusement seeming genuine. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

  “Oh.” My eyes opened, and I dropped my hand to the bed, scowling as I stared up at the shadows from the streetlights as they flickered across the ceiling.

  “Feeling like a bit of a dick right now?” she asked playfully, and there was just something about her calling me out like that that made me smile to myself.

  “Little bit.” I chuckled, my voice hoarse and croaky still from sleep.

  “And so you should.”

  “You got me. So, what can I help you with?”

  “I was actually hoping you’d be the one to ask me out.”

  “Jesus Christ.” I chuckled again, so much so that my chest bounced this time, the feeling almost alien to me; it had been that long since I’d laughed without it being forced. “You’re relentless.”

  “Mmhmm. I know a good thing when I see one.”

  “Was what you saw earlier today good? Me curled up on the floor like a damn baby.”

  “Nope, not good at all,” she answered honestly. “But it was real, and nothing is better than real if you ask me.”

  I opened my mouth to respond, only to find I had nothing to say. Kellie had rendered me momentarily speechless, and all I could do was stay silent, her words flowing through me.

  “Answer me this, muscles…”

  “Muscles?”

  “Shh.” The smile she was wearing was clear in her voice, and I found myself doing what she asked and shutting my mouth. “When was the last time you went on a date?”

  “Two years ago today,” I answered without hesitation.

  “And how did that go?”

  “What are you, my therapist now? I barely know you.”

  “Answer the damn question, Sonny.”

  I inhaled greedily, groaning on the exhale. “It was terrible. The worst. She deserved someone who was present, and I was everywhere but there with her. I could feel a panic attack brewing, so I left that poor woman sitting in a crowded restaurant on her own, without a single, reasonable explanation as to why I left. I just… walked away.”

  “Damn. That’s harsh.”

  “Yep.”

  “Did you leave her to pay, too?”

  “I’m not a total arsehole. I left her some money.” I paused, the memory of poor Tara’s face taking over. “Kinda just picked out some notes and threw them at her, actually. Wasn’t even sure whether I gave her too much or not enough.”

  “That poor woman. Not only did you leave her stranded, but you treated her like some kind of prostitute you could fling money at, too?”

  “You’re not making me feeling any better about myself, here, Kellie.”

  “No wonder you haven’t dated since.” She laughed, and even though I should have been annoyed, angered, or found myself retreating, there was just something about her that made my smile stay in place, even if my overriding emotion was utter fucking confusion.

  “I told you it was a bad idea to want to date me,” I reminded her.

  “Actually, I think I want you now more than ever before.”

  “I can’t believe this is the best you could come up with,” Kellie huffed as she marched closer towards me in the gym. Today she was wearing a black pair of Nike gym tights, her thighs toned and her arse heavenly. Her pale mint-coloured cropped top showed just a slither of her upper abs, and the arms were capped. Her shapely biceps a clear warning that she could handle herself.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, my brow rising as I lifted a bumper disc onto the bar by the squat rack. “You don’t like the gym now?”

  Her knowing smile was infectious, just like her voice and personality, and I couldn’t find it in myself to stay silent or moody around her. Kellie planted a hand on her hip and watched me as I walked around to the other side to lift the next disc onto the opposite end of the bar.

  “You know damn well this wasn’t what I had in mind when I said I wanted us to go on a date,” she said, a hint of authority lacing her tone. It was… hot, and I hadn’t had those kinds of thoughts in a long time. “You think I don’t know what you’re doing here?”

  “What am I doing here?” I mocked, moving into position under the bar and staring back at her through the mirror.

  Her eyes connected with mine, and I suddenly began to wonder how I’d never fucking noticed her in this place before now. Had I noticed anyone? Had I been aware of anything other than my own reflection, my own misfortune, my own never-ending supply of fears? I’d been walking around with my eyes closed for four years, living amongst the fog, too frightened to step out of it in case the world was too edgy for me again.

  “You’re friend-zoning me.”

  “Surely not.” I frowned, squatting down into position, feeling my muscles flex and tense and watching as Kellie’s eyes drifted to the way the fabric of my shorts had tightened around my arse. “And friends shouldn’t be checking out their other friend’s backsides, there, Missy.”

  “I’ve been checking that out for six months. You think you’re showing me something I’ve never seen before here?”

  “Pervert!” I gasped, rising to fall back down again.

  Kellie stepped forward, moving to my side, and she leaned on the metal frame so I could see her face properly.

  “If you want to show me something I haven’t seen, you’re going to have to take me out on a date, wine and dine me, and then show me that backside of yours with no clothes on.”

  “You know, people like you shouldn’t be allowed in places like this. You make vulnerable young men like me feel unsafe.” I smirked, a small groan falling free when I pressed down, feeling the weight on the top of my back doing its job.

  “And you should know that men like you shouldn’t be allowed to hide that smile of yours… ever. It’s too handsome to be buried under a heavy brow every day.”

  My face fell at once, and I rose slowly, freezing on the spot as I looked at her, not knowing what to say.

  Kellie shrugged lightly, that beautiful blush returning to her cheeks again. “We can dance around this all you want, and we can be friends who gym together, laugh and flirt, push and pull, and go back and forth for another six months before you agree to go for a drink with me. But you will agree, Sonny.” She leaned in, her lashes fluttering bef
ore she dropped her voice to a whisper. “And you’ll see that life is short, and you’ve wasted six months making me wait when we could have been living that life to the full and having a hell of a lot of fun.”

  “Kellie…”

  “I’m not scared of your issues, either. We’ve all got them. Just because you’re handsome and strong on the outside, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be a little screwed up on the inside.” She straightened her shoulders and crossed her arms over her chest, taking a step to walk away from me before she paused and looked back. “I’m ready to get down and squat with you any time you like. Just have a little faith in yourself first and know that not every day has to be a bad day.”

  She moved to walk away, and I found myself placing the bar back on its rack and turning around at once. “What did you just say?” I called to her.

  Kellie spun on her heels, staring up at me. “Not every day has to be a bad day,” she repeated.

  “No. The thing before that.”

  “I’m ready to get down and squat with you?”

  I shook my head. “The other thing. The bit in the middle.”

  Kellie smiled softly. “Have a little faith in yourself, Sonny.”

  “Faith,” I whispered, my eyes drifting over Kellie’s head as the memory of a little girl with pretty blonde pigtails took over, threatening to drag me back to that day on the underground when fifty-two people lost their lives, while I lived on.

  “Sonny?”

  I snapped out of it quickly, looking down to see Kellie’s hand on my arm, her concern as real as ever.

  The last time I’d felt a connection to a beautiful woman, I’d let her go with a promise of tomorrow. That tomorrow never came, and now I had another woman who made my fractured heart a little better, I wasn’t about to let her go, too, in case tomorrow never came.

  “What are you doing tonight?”

  “Tonight?” she asked, her eyes widening.

  “This was a stupid idea. Coming here to the gym, making you work for it. Trying to make you see what an arsehole I could be. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t actually think I’ve been thinking straight for a long time now. Maybe I’m fucking up right now. Who knows?”