Because He's Perfect

by Anna Edwards

  I walk toward the table, reaching for the plate, before holding it out to her. “Pass the goods.”

  She giggles. “Here, Ty Ty.” She uses her fork to put one pancake on my plate.

  Taking a bite of the pancake, I understand why she’s taken mine; they’re awesome. I need to get Macy to make them for me again—and make sure I eat them when Lannie isn’t around.

  “So, little miss, are you ready?” I ask her after we’ve finished eating.

  “Just got to put my shoes on. Do you need anything?” She’s such a sweet girl. She always asks me if I need anything.

  “No, thanks. Go get your shoes.” Dread settles into my gut. I don’t want to leave the house, to have everyone staring at me, pity in their eyes when they see a glimpse of the prosthetic.

  Chapter Two

  “Ty Ty, push me higher.” Lannie giggles as I push the swing a bit harder. She’s having the time of her life and seeing her so happy makes me smile. It took us over an hour to get here because I’m still not able to walk without a limp, nor am I able to move at a fast pace. I’m more like a tortoise.

  It pissed Lannie off, even though she wouldn’t show it. She’d huffed and puffed and asked if we were nearly there, but she never got mad that it was taking so long. My niece is her mother’s daughter; she’s kind and caring and will do anything she can to make people feel at ease. No doubt she’ll be just like Macy when it comes to her temper too; once she’s pushed to the edge, she turns into a demon.

  I walked further today than I ever have while in this prosthetic and it’s killing me. I’m guessing by the time I get home there will be blisters on my stump. Standing here, I put as much of my body weight onto my good leg as I can to try and lessen the pressure on the prosthetic. I no doubt look awkward leaning to one side but fuck it; it’s relieving some of the aches and pains I have.

  “Ty Ty, are you okay?” Her tiny voice is barely audible over the laughter from the other children in the playground.

  “Yeah, Lane, I’m good. You want to get off?” I ask as I watch her take in the scene in front of her. All the other kids are playing with each other and she’s on this swing with me.

  She nods and jumps off. “You go sit down,” she instructs me, and I bite back my smile. She’s definitely like her mom; bossy as hell.

  I don’t even have a chance to say anything to her as she’s already running toward the slide. Glancing around, I spot an empty bench at the other side of the park. It’s away from all the gathering moms that are standing around talking to one another while watching their children. I keep my eyes on the ground ahead of me as I slowly make my way over to the bench. As I have no feeling in the prosthetic foot, I have to watch for bumps and dips in the ground. If I take a wrong step, I’ll end up on my ass again. It’s happened so many times already, but I’m cautious now whenever I venture outside. It’s one of the reasons it takes me forever to get from point A to B. Lannie started doing it, too, on our way here. She made a game out of it, skipping over all the cracks in the sidewalk.

  Once I’m at the bench I take a seat, stretching my leg out as I can’t bend it. I watch Lannie as she runs around chasing another little girl. They seem to know each other, and both girls have huge smiles on their faces as they run around.

  “I’ve not seen you here before,” a husky voice calls out, and I turn and see a fiery redhead standing beside me with a bright smile on her face.

  “That’s because I’ve not been here before,” I reply, and it comes out a hell of a lot gruffer than I intended.

  “Whoa, okay. I was only making conversation.” She takes a step backward, her eyebrow raised and her eyes wary. “I was just wondering where Macy was.”

  I frown. “You know Macy?”

  She smirks now and gone is the wariness. She’s gorgeous, and her brown eyes, along with the long, flaming red hair, stand out. Her nose has a slight bend in it though it’s not very noticeable, and freckles pepper her nose and cheeks. “The girl playing with Lannie is Elizabeth, who is my daughter.”

  “Ah, I’m Tyler.” I hold out my hand for her to shake and she takes it immediately. My hand dwarfs hers. Her eyes go to my leg. She knows who I am, along with what happened to me.

  “You’re Macy’s brother.” Relief shines in her eyes. It shouldn’t. She doesn’t know me, just my sister. “How are you holding up?” she asks, her husky voice soft. There’s no judgement or pity in it like I usually get.

  My back’s up though, and there’s no way I’ll be able to hide it. “Fine,” I say through gritted teeth, pissed that Macy’s been talking about me to a complete stranger. I don’t want the world knowing how fucking reckless I was, and that I paid the price for it. I’m just grateful that I was the only one in the car that day.

  She raises her eyebrow at my tone and crosses her arms over her chest. “Hmm,” she says, taking a seat beside me.

  Something about this woman gets to me. She’s not afraid of me, nor is she going to put up with my anger. I’m intrigued. “Hmm, what?”

  She smiles widely. “You’re exactly as Macy described. You instantly jumped to conclusions about me.”

  My eyes widen at her openness. “Oh yeah? And what conclusion have I jumped to?”

  She leans back, her legs outstretched. “You think I believe you’re something you’re not.”

  Why the hell is she talking in riddles? “Oh, and what would that be?”

  “That you’re not a man anymore.” I intake a sharp breath at her words. “That’s not true though, Tyler. You need to see that it’s not true.” She gingerly reaches out and touches my hand. Electricity runs through me, and I instantly pull away, like I’ve just had an electric shock.

  She’s not fazed by it. She clasps her hands together and carries on talking. “You’re a man who had a horrible accident, one that changed the course of your life forever. You’re not damaged. You’re not anything but Tyler, and you need to see that. You need to see that even though you lost your leg, you’re still the same man you were beforehand. Actually, you’re stronger than you were back then.”

  A bitter laugh escapes me. “I have no idea where the hell you got that crap from. You don’t know me. You don’t know if that’s true.”

  She leans forward as Elizabeth and Lannie run toward us. “I don’t know you, but I’ve heard so much about you—before you had the accident and afterward. Macy has nothing but the best things to say about you. Your sister loves you, and she’s so proud of you, but this anger you have… it’s hurting her,” she whispers, and I feel it in my gut. God, what the hell is this woman doing? She’s fucking with my head.

  A heavy sigh escapes me. “You think I don’t know that?”

  “Ty Ty, are you okay?” Lannie’s small, worried voice calls out as she comes to a running halt in front of me. She’s noticed I’m mad. She’s got eyes like a damn hawk.

  I give her a smile, trying to reassure her. “I’m okay, Lannie.” I’m mad at myself for showing that this woman’s getting to me, and that Lannie’s noticed I’m angry.

  Her eyes narrow suspiciously at the woman sitting beside me. “I’m going to go and play with Elizabeth some more.”

  I nod. “Have fun,” I say, and she retreats, leaving me alone with the redhead once again.

  “Tyler, you probably think I’m interfering when I shouldn’t be. And you’re right, I am, but I really hope that you listen to what I’m saying. This anger you have, it’s going to eat away at you until you do something about it.”

  “And what do you suggest I do about it?” I ask, my words harsh. Everything she’s saying I’ve already said to myself. It’s everything I’ve heard from everyone before, and I still have no idea how to let go of it.

  She shrugs. “You need to talk, get out all of your feelings, but honestly, until you realize that you’re still a man, that you have so much to live for, you’re not going to let the anger go.”

  Fuck. “How do you know so much?”

  She gives me a small smile. It doesn�
��t reach those rich brown eyes of hers though. “Elizabeth’s dad had some anger issues. He didn’t get help, nor did he want to,” she says, her voice turning cold.

  Now I’m curious. “What happened to him?”

  She stands. “Elizabeth, it’s time to go now,” she calls out, and immediately the girls stop playing, though they both pout at their playtime being cut short. Turning so that she’s looking at me, her eyes drift to my leg. “It doesn’t define you, Tyler, and the sooner you realize that, the better your life will be.”

  Both Elizabeth and Lannie run over to us. Lannie glances between the two of us, disappointment in her eyes. “Ty Ty, are we going now too?”

  I’d like nothing more than to go home and get away from prying eyes, but Lannie’s having fun. I can’t take that away from her. “Not yet—not if you don’t want to,” I say softly, and I’m rewarded with her bright smile. “Say goodbye to your friend and get back to playing.”

  Lannie gives Elizabeth a hug and the two girls say their goodbyes before Lannie runs toward the sand pit.

  “Tyler, it’s been a pleasure to finally meet you. I really do hope you find some peace. Maybe I’ll see you around?” I’ve never seen anyone look as beautiful as she does with that bright smile of hers.

  I nod. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “Look after yourself, Ty,” she whispers as she grabs Elizabeth’s hand. I watch them retreat, wondering if I’ll ever see her again.

  “Uncle Ty Ty, is she going to be your girlfriend?” The laughter in Lannie’s voice makes me look at her. She’s standing there with her hands on her hips, looking exactly like her mom.

  I narrow my eyes at her. “No, why would you think that?”

  She shrugs. “You look at her like Mommy looks at Mr Frazer.”

  My eyes narrow further. “Who’s Mr Frazer?”

  “Mommy’s boyfriend,” she says with disgust. “He’s my teacher.”

  What the hell? “Your mom doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

  Lannie’s smirking at me like I’m stupid, but then she’s frowning. “Uncle Ty Ty,” she says softly, and I know I’m not going to like whatever is about to come out of her mouth. She begins to fidget her tiny foot as her eyes widen. “You’re sick.”

  “Sick?”

  She nods. “Yeah, sick. It’s why you’re mad all the time.”

  Fuck me! “Do I scare you?” I ask, praying I don’t.

  “Sometimes,” she confesses quietly. “But I know you don’t mean it.”

  Tears sting the back of my eyes. When did I become such a monster? “Lannie, I’m sorry.”

  She hugs my legs, her tiny arms squeezing tightly. “It’s okay, Ty Ty. Do you think you’ll be better soon?”

  I reach down and lift her tiny body into my arms. “I hope so, Lannie. I really do.”

  Chapter Three

  Sitting in this dark, silent room, I stare down at the glass of bourbon I have in my hands. Lannie’s words have been playing over and over in my head all day. I’m so far away from reality that I don’t even know what’s going on in the life of those that live with me. I scare my six-year-old niece because I’m an asshole who can’t control his temper. I have no idea how I’m meant to change, but all I know is that I have to. I can’t keep living like this. Today has been an eye opener. Talking to that woman helped but hearing a six-year-old tell me I’m sick because I’m angry, put it into perspective. I have to change.

  “Why are you sitting in the dark?” Macy asks, coming into the sitting room.

  “Just thinking.”

  “Do you need to be shrouded in darkness to do it?” She says, her voice filled with humor.

  “No, you can turn the light on if you wish.”

  I blink harshly as my eyes try and adjust to the light. “What are you thinking so hard about?” she asks, coming to sit beside me on the sofa.

  I ignore the question, but I do turn my head to look at her. “How did it go today?” She called me while I was making Lannie’s dinner and asked if it would be okay to stay out a while longer, that her co-workers wanted to celebrate her promotion.

  She smiles widely. I’m so proud of her. Her dedication to Lannie is amazing, as is her ability to support the two of them—well, the three of us, because since moving in, Macy’s paid for everything.

  Something I didn’t realize or even think about until this afternoon. Macy’s taken a lot on since she came to live with me, and not once has she ever complained about it. Whereas I’ve been a complete asshole. I snap at her for no reason and treat her disrespectfully, when all she’s trying to do is help me. I’m mad at myself for letting it affect me, letting it affect the way I act toward my family. Hell, I’m angry all the time, and most of the time I don’t even know why.

  “It was awesome. My God, Ty, I can’t believe I got the promotion. It means I can work from home four days a week. I also get insurance, which is a weight lifted off my shoulders. But the best thing is it’ll give me more time at home with Lannie.” Her eyes are wide with wonder, pure happiness shining through. “I’m still a bit shell-shocked. I can’t believe I got it. There were more qualified applicants.”

  I smile. “Yeah, but you’ve been working your ass off at that company since you were eighteen. That’s eight years. You started from the bottom and you clawed your way up. You deserve this promotion.”

  She nods. “You seem better today.”

  I shrug. “Better? No. My eyes are wide open now. I know what I have to do.”

  She reaches over and holds my arm. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

  Closing my eyes, I grip her hand, grateful I have her in my life. Even after the way I’ve treated her, she’s still here and still being so supportive. Mom, Macy and Andrew agreed they’d sell my parents’ house to pay for my surgery, along with my recovery. By the time Mom died, there was only fifty grand left, and it was in my account. I’ve paid off all my hospital bills and I’m okay with the physiotherapy, so I lied to Macy and told her there was only thirty grand left. Andrew knows the truth. We all received ten grand and I set up an account for Lannie and deposited the remaining twenty grand in it, something Andrew wholeheartedly agreed with. Since our parents died, Macy has been the backbone of this family. She’s put us all before herself and her needs.

  “I don’t know where to even start, Macy. I have so much anger, so much hate, and it’s directed everywhere for no reason. I’m to blame for what’s happened. I need help,” I confess, and it feels good saying it out loud.

  A lone tear falls down Macy’s face. “It wasn’t your fault. What happened was a tragic accident, and Ty, you’re so fucking brave. You walked so far today. You were out for so long and you did so well.” Proudness shines through her words. “You should have heard Lannie talk about you. She’s proud, as am I. I called Andrew on the way home. We’re all in awe of you.”

  I laugh, and it’s a bitter one. “Awe? I’m a broken man, Macy. There’s nothing to be proud of, nor to be in awe of.”

  Pulling her hand away from me, tears are streaming down her face. She wipes them away. She’s not cried since Mom died and yet here she is, crying. “I’m so proud of you!” she reiterates. “So, so proud. Mom and Dad would have been proud too.”

  “You’re crazy. You know that?” I ask her, but I can’t help smiling. She really does believe what she’s saying.

  She shakes her head in defiance. “No, I’m not. You’re forgetting that I’ve been here every step of the way. I’ve seen you at your lowest and you’ve fought every day to get to where you are now. You’re a good man, Ty. You’re angry—God, who wouldn’t be angry with what you’ve been through—but that anger is going to fade, Ty, and when it does, you’re going to be back to being you.”

  “Back to being me?” I clip, my jaw tight. “That’s not going to happen.”

  Frowning, she looks confused. “What? Why?”

  “Macy, I’m never going to be the carefree boy I was before the crash. I’m never going to have my leg back,” I tell
her softly and watch her face fall. “Macy, knowing that I’m never going to be whole makes me crazy.”

  “Whole?” she whispers. “But you are.”

  I give her a look. “No, I’m not. Fuck, Macy, I’m never going to be whole. And it kills me every day to know it’s my own damn fault. I’ve caused so much pain and heartache, and there’s nothing I can do to eradicate the guilt and hate I feel.”

  “Guilt? Ty, what do you feel guilty about? The crash was an accident. You were tired and you fell asleep. It’s not your fault. It could have happened to anyone.”

  “Mom and Dad died because of me, because I was reckless, Macy.”

  A heavy sigh escapes her. “Ty… God, our parents dying wasn’t your fault.”

  “Yeah, Macy, it was my fault. If I hadn’t had the accident then Dad wouldn’t have had the heart attack, and Mom wouldn’t have died.”

  Her hand grips my arm. The bites of her fingernails sting, but I don’t pull away. “You can’t think like that! God, you’re not the reason they’re dead. Please, I’m begging you, don’t think that way.”

  “I wish it were that easy, Macy. I wish I could make these thoughts disappear. Hell, I wish I could go back in time, go back to a happier time. When I was whole.” I’m not even thinking as I speak. Everything is just spewing out of me.

  “Stop,” she begs, her voice soft and low. “Just stop! You’re whole and you’re alive. Fuck, Ty… You’re alive, and the sooner you realize that the better. You could have died, but you didn’t. You survived for a damn reason. You need to come to terms with the fact you’re an amputee, and when you do, you’ll be able to move on. I wish I could click my fingers and make all your pain and anger disappear, but I can’t. This is something you need to do alone. I’ll be here every step of the way, cheering you on and being a shoulder to lean on if you so wish, but please, please find a way to do this.”

  “I’m going to try. First thing tomorrow, I’m going to call the doctor. I’m going to do better,” I promise her.