Unrequited Alice

by Smith, Sarah Louise

  “I think that’s wise,” she said, nodding seriously. “It’s always good to take some time for yourself. Don’t rush into things.”

  “Toby said the same thing,” I told her. “So here I am.”

  Our food came. It looked amazing. I’d gone for some vegetarian sushi. I didn’t regret my choice.

  “So, this Toby guy you’re staying with. What’s he like?”

  So I told her all about him. About how inspiring I found him, how he’d helped me through some tough times. How he was so kind to me.

  “He’s my best friend.”

  “And there’s nothing romantic going on?” she checked.

  I was getting so tired of people asking me this question. Couldn’t anyone have a male friend without everyone thinking there was more to it?

  “Nope, just friends,” I told her. Maybe I should get that tattooed on my forearm. I could just hold it up and show people when they asked.

  “Well, all I’m saying is, your face lights up when you talk about him.”

  “You’re not the first to say that.”

  “I bet.”

  I smiled and ate some more of my amazing lunch.

  “Your dad loved Japanese food,” she said, watching me eat.

  “Can you tell me some stuff about my dad? I mean, what was he like? I can barely remember.”

  “Oh honey, he was a horror growing up. One of those kids with lots of energy. He used to pull my hair and throw tantrums. But we grew closer as we got older. We talked all the time. He was so in love with your mother. And you. Thought you were the centre of the earth. They both did.”

  I felt my eyes mist over again. “I wish I could remember them better.”

  “Me too. They’d be so proud of you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Now, you and this Toby must come for dinner. I want to meet the man that finally got you to come out here again.”

  “Of course, that’s nice, thank you.”

  She told me more about Becky. The more time that went on, the more I wished I’d come sooner. And the more I felt at home in New York.

  After our lunch, I walked back with her to the ferry.

  “Now, call me soon and we’ll arrange a dinner,” she said, hugging me tight. I agreed, and off she went again, still all smiles and waves.

  Back at the apartment, I had an unexpected phone call.

  “Hannah?”

  “Alice! How are you?”

  “I’m really well, how’re you?”

  Oh no, what if Ed told her about my feelings for him? I hadn’t really made much effort to keep in touch, I felt bad about it, but it seemed for the best in the circumstances.

  “I’m good, I’m sorry I haven’t called or emailed or anything, I’ve just been so busy and have so much going on.”

  “That’s okay, I haven’t called you either.”

  “So you’re enjoying New York?”

  “Yes, I love it.”

  “And Toby?”

  “Still just friends.”

  “Oh, well. I’m glad you’re happy.”

  “I am. How’s married life?”

  “Oh, Alice. Everything’s such a mess.”

  “Oh no.” A wave of genuine concern, mixed with blinding panic, washed over me. I felt genuinely concerned for her. I sat down, bracing myself to hear the problem.

  “Do you remember a guy at the wedding, his name was Harry?”

  “No, what did he look like?”

  I had no idea where this was going…

  “Tall, sandy blonde hair, good-looking?”

  “I don’t know, there were a lot of people…”

  “Well, Harry and I work together. And I’ve always liked him, you know … and well, we went on a night out and I kissed him.”

  Holy fuck.

  Seriously? Hannah had cheated on Ed, only a few weeks into their marriage?

  “Alice? Are you there?”

  I found my voice. Still shocked. “Sorry, yes, just taking it in.”

  “I know, I’m a terrible, terrible person. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell Ed?”

  “Well, I guess it was just a kiss, and you were drunk…”

  “I wasn’t drunk.”

  “Oh.”

  “And it wasn’t just a kiss. I really like him. He asked me to have lunch with him today, but I’m utterly freaked out by what I feel, so I called in sick to avoid him.”

  “Hannah! Seriously? You just got married! How could you do that to Ed?”

  “I know, I know!”

  “What do Ruth and Sally think?”

  “I haven’t told them. They always say how great Ed is, I don’t think it’ll go down well.”

  “I’m not surprised! And you actually thought I’d understand?”

  “I don’t know… I just needed to talk to someone.”

  “Do you love Ed?”

  There was a pause before she said, “I have no idea. He was so distant for a while, my mind started to wonder about what I’d do if he didn’t want to marry me, and I looked around, noticed Harry. But then Ed was better and things just kind of carried on. Now I wonder if I shouldn’t have got married.”

  Oh. My. God.

  “Hannah, you need to speak to Ed. Tell him how you’re feeling, maybe you’re just freaking out about the commitment and everything.”

  “But shouldn’t I still be in the loved up honeymoon phase?”

  “Yes, I suppose … but seriously, you must talk to Ed.”

  “Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” Toby said that evening after I told him. “She looked so happy at the wedding, and on the hen do as well.”

  I was folding laundry; one of my many little domestic goddess tasks of the day. I wanted to earn my keep and prove that I was an awesome roommate.

  “I know, she’s always been so … loyal as well. I was really taken aback.”

  “Poor Ed, much as I didn’t like him, it sounds like she has real feelings for this other guy.”

  “I know, I don’t understand.”

  “You mustn’t have any hope you know; this is a mess you ought not to get involved with, and even if they split up, and Ed came for you, it’d ruin your friendship with Hannah.”

  I had a moment to imagine Ed coming for me, and I admit, I liked that moment.

  “Of course not!” I laughed. “As if!”

  For some reason, I sounded angry.

  “Come on, Alice, I’m just saying, do not go there.”

  I didn’t say anything and it was quiet for a moment.

  “I know you, Alice. Apart from the fact that he’s married and it may never happen, despite his little flirt with you, he’s not good enough for you and the sooner you realise that, the better.”

  “You don’t even know him,” I pointed out.

  “I know he flirted with you, when he was getting married to Hannah. I know he’s dull. I just know he isn’t right for you.”

  “Well, it’s okay because you’re right. A while back, I’d have held on to some sort of warped hope that he’d fall in love with me, and that somehow Hannah would be fine with that. Now, I’m stronger and I realise that I’m over him.”

  I wasn’t sure it was exactly true, but I so wanted it to be. Despite Hannah’s call.

  “I’m sorry, and I’m proud of you.” He gave me a little hug. “Well done.”

  “Your turn next,” I said, as he turned and walked towards the bedroom to get changed. He hadn’t got out of his suit yet.

  “My turn?”

  “To get over the person who doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Actually, she’s way too good for me. And anyway, it’s too late for me!” he said, closing his bedroom door.

  Not if I had anything to do with it.

  Hannah called again the next day. Seemed like she was taking another sickie, as it wasn’t long after I got up; she should’ve been at work.

  “I told Ed that I’m not sure about my feelings, and about Harry and the kiss.”

  “Oh wow, what
did he say?”

  “He didn’t say much. He said he would give me some space, and he packed a bag and left.”

  “Oh, Hannah…”

  “No, it’s a good thing. Harry said space is good.”

  “You spoke to him?”

  “We’ve been texting a lot.”

  “Hannah, I say this with love, but don’t you think you owe it to Ed to give it a go, before you start talking to someone else, someone you hardly know?”

  “I’ve known Harry for years.”

  “Okay, well … I don’t know what to say.”

  “Will you call Ed for me?”

  “What? Why?”

  “He could do with a friend, I’m worried about him.”

  “I won’t take sides, and tell you what he said.”

  “Of course not. I just want to make sure someone checks in on him. I don’t even know where he is.”

  “Maybe he went to Matt’s house, or his parents?”

  “Please will you ring?”

  “Okay,” I sighed, wondering how Ed would feel about that, considering what he knew.

  It took me another hour to summon the courage to call Ed. I could feel my face blushing red, even though he wouldn’t be able to see it. I’d told him I was in love with him, on his wedding day. There wasn’t much going back from that.

  But I was curious to see how he was doing, and I’d promised Hannah, so eventually, I called.

  “Alice, hi,” he said, sounding tired.

  “Hey, how’re you?”

  “I take it Hannah told you?”

  Oh fudge, did he think I was calling to make my move, the day after she’d told him? I hoped not.

  “Yes, I just wanted to see if you were okay, in fact Hannah asked me to call you.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine, I guess. I’m a little in shock.”

  “I bet. Me too.”

  “I just can’t believe she slept with someone else, so soon after the wedding too, I can’t see any going back from this.”

  “What! She told me she just kissed him!”

  There was an awkward silence. “I’m so sorry, Ed.”

  “I thought about you, last night. I couldn’t sleep. I thought about what you said, on the morning of the wedding. Did you mean it?”

  “Every word, but Ed, it’s too late.”

  “And that moment, after we had lunch.”

  “Ed, don’t. You and Hannah have to try and sort things out.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m a mess.”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m staying at my sister’s house. I didn’t go to work today, couldn’t get my head straight.”

  “Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

  There wasn’t anything, that’s for sure.

  “Wanna have revenge sex with me?”

  I laughed. “Not sure that’d be a good idea.”

  Tempting, though it was.

  “Maybe.”

  “Take care, okay?”

  “Thanks for calling, Alice. You’re great.”

  Toby wasn’t too impressed, when I told him. I decided not to call again. And I texted Hannah saying ‘You had sex with Harry? Seriously?’ and she didn’t even reply. What had happened to her? I had no idea.

  Two weeks passed. We had dinner with Aunt Kerry and Uncle Dennis, and Toby got on really well with them. I got a phone call, inviting me for an interview to join the photography course. They had a last minute drop out, and were really interested in seeing me for this year’s intake. I panicked, then spent a lot of time taking photos to put together a portfolio.

  Toby and I met up with Mike and Beth a lot. We also got together with Charlie and Billy, who didn’t mention any more dates. I kept waiting for Toby to meet a girl, to want to go on a date, to bring her home. But he didn’t.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “I can’t believe you convinced me to let my parents come and stay with us,” Toby said, pulling the sheet over my bed as we made it up with fresh linen for them to sleep on. They were having my bedroom, I was going to sleep in with Toby, on account that they still thought we were a couple.

  “Actually, I just said you ought to spend more time with them,” I pointed out. “I never said they should come and stay with us.”

  I felt awkward about the whole thing; surely we were lying to them, and the more time I spent with them, the more I was going to feel bad about it. Zara called Toby now and then and always asked to chat to me, and I felt like I was deceiving her every time we spoke.

  I picked up a few things to move into his room; it seemed feasible that I’d have my clothes in the wardrobe in the other room, but probably not the book I was reading, or things like my night cream.

  “They’re going to drive us nuts, just you see.”

  “It’s only a long weekend.”

  They were arriving tonight, Friday, and leaving Sunday evening. They had a holiday planned in Florida before Brian’s wedding, when we’d see them again, of course.

  “But it’s a small apartment.”

  “We’ll get out and about,” I told him. “It’ll be fine.”

  I went through to the kitchen and stirred the Thai curry I’d made us all. I was nervous about it; I’d cooked for Mike and Beth a few weeks ago and they’d all raved about my food but I really wanted Rose and Marcus to like me, even if it was all a lie.

  “Dinner smells amazing,” Toby said, squeezing my shoulder and making me feel all warm and gooey inside.

  I had to get a grip, because each time he touched me I felt like a giggly schoolgirl again. I valued his friendship and I didn’t want to lose that. I had to get over this. I imagined him with maggots coming out of his ears as he spoke, and wondered what he’d make of me using that technique on him, if he only knew.

  “I really appreciate all this,” he said, watching me measure out some rice. “Pretending to my girlfriend, suggesting they come, cooking this meal. You’re amazing and you’re going to make my mum a very happy woman.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said, as a fictitious maggot crawled out of his nose. It wasn’t working so I averted my eyes to the curry again. “It’s important to see them, you never know what’s around the corner.”

  “You’re right, I shouldn’t moan about them coming.”

  “Definitely not.”

  “They should be here any minute.”

  “I can’t believe you didn’t meet them at the airport.”

  “Mum insisted I didn’t need to go out of my way. Last time I went to meet them and they got held up in customs. I was waiting for ages.”

  “Do you want to have some wine?” I suggested.

  “Great idea.”

  He got four glasses out, and poured us each a glass right away. I took a big gulp, unsure why I was so nervous.

  “Ah, text,” Toby said, reaching for his phone, “they’re almost here. I’ll go downstairs and meet them in the lobby.”

  It felt like he was gone for ages. I put the rice on to cook, downed my wine, and poured myself another. Why did I care so much what they thought? It wasn’t as if I really was his girlfriend, and he’d made it pretty clear I never would be.

  “Alice! So lovely to see you again!” Rose wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight. “You look well!”

  “Thanks, Rose,” I smiled at her as she pulled away. I was instantly at ease; she had greeted me with such warmth.

  “Living with my son obviously suits you,” she said, winking. “Obviously suits you both, in fact.”

  Marcus hugged me too, and Toby told them I’d prepared dinner.

  “Thank you, sweetie,” Rose said, taking Toby’s hand and squeezing it. “I’m so hungry, but so tired too.”

  “You have to stay up to beat the jetlag,” Marcus told her, “or you’ll be awake too early tomorrow.”

  “Let’s put your stuff in your room.” Toby took their luggage and they all trundled into my bedroom to deposit it.

  Dinner was a success; or at least so everyo
ne told me.

  “Alice has applied to college, she wants to become a photographer,” Toby said as we sipped coffee afterwards.

  “Wow, that’s wonderful,” Rose said, smiling. “Here in New York?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m really proud of her,” Toby said, squeezing my hand.

  Was he? Or was he just saying that for effect?

  “I’m afraid I must get to bed,” Marcus declared, getting up.

  “Oh me too.” Rose got up and kissed us goodnight. “Thank you again for everything.”

  We cleared away the cups and went to bed ourselves.

  “You did brilliantly,” Toby whispered after I turned out the light.

  “I don’t like lying to them,” I admitted. “They don’t deserve it.”

  “I feel a bit bad too.”

  “It’s too late to tell them the truth, though.” I’d be horrified.

  “Let’s tell them after the wedding.”

  Of course, he wanted to have a girlfriend on his arm, albeit a fake one, when he watched his brother marry the woman he loved. I could relate to that.

  Saturday was all about sightseeing. I’d done it all reasonably recently, but I didn’t mind doing it again. I loved the tourist trail, and Rose and I had a nice time chatting about everything and anything, including our mutual love for Sex and the City and Friends, plus her growing enthusiasm over my new career. She was so supportive, I only wished I could be the daughter-in-law she obviously hoped I’d become.

  “Let me take a photo of you two,” Rose said, ushering us to stand together in Central Park. Toby put his arm around me and we smiled.

  “You look so happy together,” she said, beaming. I felt myself blush. Marcus called her to look at something and Toby winked at me.

  “It’s mean, letting her think we’re happy together,” I told him.

  “We are happy together, aren’t we?”

  “Yes, but, not in the way she thinks.”

  “Hey, come look at this!” Rose called. I turned and saw she’d discovered Belvedere Castle. Toby tried to take my hand, but I wouldn’t let him.

  It was nice to see Manhattan through a tourist’s eyes again. Not that I was a New Yorker myself just yet, but I’d kind of gotten used to the tall buildings and famous landmarks all around me. Rose and Marcus were so enthusiastic about everything, even the places they’d been before, and it was incredibly infectious.