by Karen Deen
“If that’s what you want, Mia, I’ll see you soon. I’ll be waiting to make whatever it is that’s not right, better.”
“Thanks, see you soon.” And then she’s gone, and the line is dead.
The wheels squeal a little as I turn into my parking spot. My senses tell me something is not right, and until I see her, I can’t work out what it is.
Banging the elevator button several times wanting it to open quicker I’m sure I’m about to break it.
My mind is racing, which is unlike me. Maybe she’s just unwell. She could have eaten something bad, that’s probably it. Was she rushing after lunch and got something from one of those sketchy vending machines? Shit, I should have fed her. We use up a lot of energy when we’re together. What kind of boyfriend am I?
I need to talk to Paige. She needs to make sure there’s lunch delivered every day. Something healthy and full of energy. Plus, water. Yes, lots of water to keep her hydrated. Ashton, I’ll give him that job. Make sure she always has a full water bottle.
Walking into my apartment where it’s so quiet, I stop for a moment and realize I’m thinking like an idiot. Mia is a grown woman who can look after herself. I have to wait until she gets here and then I’m sure she’ll tell me the little thing that’s worrying her. We can sort it out and then Sexy Lexy can make it all better.
Oh shit, I know what it is. I freaked her out about asking her to move in with me. I’m such an idiot. That’s what it is. Feeling my body relaxing a little, I take off my suit jacket and kick off my shoes and socks in the bedroom. I know I can solve this one easily. I don’t care where she lives, as long as there’s a place for me there.
I turn on the music and open the balcony doors to let the fresh air in. The city is starting to light up for the night and the Friday night noise is wafting up from the street. Behind me I hear the elevator sound that she has arrived, and I pad across the floor in my bare feet, while rolling up my shirt sleeves and getting more comfortable. Hopefully these clothes won’t be on for much longer anyway.
The doors open and Mia steps out with her shoulders slumped. Her face is pale and a little puffy around the eyes.
“Hi, baby, are you okay?” Walking to her and not waiting, I take her into my arms. She slumps into my body and her arms wrap so tightly around me. Her head buries in my chest and it reminds me of that first morning in my office where she seemed so lost.
“Mia, talk to me. You look terrible.” Slowly her face lifts up and I know she’s been crying, and by the look of her eyes, a lot.
“Can we sit down?” Her voice is quiet and with no strength to it.
“Sure.” I leave my arm around her and lead her to the couch.
She sits down and I sit next to her and lift her into my lap. Her head drops onto my neck and she snuggles against me. I want to scream at her to say something, but I know I can’t. This is her way.
After a few minutes, I can’t take it anymore.
“Mia, please, you’re killing me here. Whatever it is, just talk to me. I can’t fix it for you if I don’t know what it is.”
Feeling her take a big breath, she sits up and looks me in the eye. “That’s just it, Lex, you can’t fix it. No one can. I need to start fixing things on my own.”
“You know what I meant.”
“Yes, I do, and I appreciate it, I really do. But if I don’t start doing things for myself, I’ll never know if I can. I don’t want to look back and wonder, could I have done this on my own?”
“But you are, baby, look at you. Your life is turning out perfectly. You have a great job, the kids are happy, we’re happy.”
“Lex, please. I have things I need to say. Can you just not say anything until I’m finished? Otherwise I’ll never get through it.” The tears are there, and she’s barely holding on.
“Okay,” is all I can say.
She starts to move off my lap, and now I know this is about to turn to shit.
“From the moment I ran from Edward, I haven’t been on my own. First Bent put us in that apartment, and although it was for all the wrong reasons, he still fed us and we had somewhere to live that was clean and safe. Then that all went crazy and I ran from the danger straight into your arms and that of my sister. You all took me in straight away and cared for me and the kids. You on that first night running out and buying us a lifetime of supplies was so overwhelming.” I go to say something, but she gives me a look to tell me not to open my mouth. “Then you helped me with all the legal things I needed to make sure the kids and I were safe and able to move on with our lives. You gave me friendship when I needed it the most. Paige and Mason have given me a home and a family that I have longed for all my life, and now this job is where I know I belong.” Her hands are clenching open and closed, just like my heart is.
“But as much as I tried not to, I let you into my life as more than a friend. Lord knows I fought you off in my head, but my heart kept giving in to you. You can be very persuasive when you try. I guess that’s what makes you so good at your job as a lawyer. And then as much as we tried to go slow, it never happened. Then today a few things made me stop and think. I don’t know who I am.”
Fuck!
“I can’t be the woman you need, until I know the woman I even am without you. Otherwise we won’t work, and that’s not fair to you. I know that doesn’t make sense to you, but it does to me. I need to find out who Mia Kennedy is. The single mom who is raising her children in her own apartment, using her own money from working her job. Just like all the other single parents in the world do. I need to be an ‘I’ before I can be an ‘us.’” The tears are running down her face, and I can’t move my body to wipe them away because my own tears are now running too.
My heart is breaking open, actually shattering into pieces right here in front of her. I’m supposed to be the one supporting her, but this time I can’t. I don’t know how to cope myself.
“You’re running, aren’t you?” I whisper.
“No, this time, I’m finally learning to walk slowly, so I don’t have to run anymore.” She lifts her hand and starts to wipe my tears from my face.
“Why?” I can’t say more than that.
“Because it’s the only way. I’ll never be accepted in this world until I prove I belong here.” For once she is stronger than me.
“You don’t need to prove a thing. You belong with me. You can’t deny that, Mia. Fuck, I’m in love with you, don’t do this.” I never wanted to tell her like that, but if I don’t say it now, I may never get a chance again.
“I know. One day I can hopefully say that too. Just not today.” I can’t sit here any longer, so I stand and pace back and forth.
“Space, is that what you need? Was the moving in together too much? It was a stupid thing to say. Ignore it. Just don’t push me away. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.” I’m almost begging her.
“That’s just it, Lex, you can’t keep doing this life for me. I need to go learn it myself, and hopefully one day I’ll feel I’m an equal.”
This can’t be happening.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
As I stand looking out the windows, I feel her behind me. Will I always feel her even when she isn’t with me? What’s that shit saying?
If you love someone let them go, and something about if they don’t come back, they weren’t yours.
Yeah, fuck that right off.
“Lex, tomorrow I’m moving into my own apartment with the kids.”
“What!” I spin to see her right behind me. She flinches at my yelling. Stop, you idiot, you’re scaring her. This is the last thing she needs and will be expecting from you.
“Sorry, Mia, I just… I’m really struggling here. You keep knocking the air out from me.”
“I know, and your hurt is killing me too. I don’t want you to freak out, but I’m moving into an apartment next door to Ashton.”
I’ll fucking kill him. If he even touches one hair on her body, I will kill him. I try so hard to pull it in
and not show her my anger and frustration.
Breathe, fucker, before you start losing your shit.
“That way he can keep me safe but not be in my face. And thank you for paying him, but I will be taking over from today. I have borrowed money from Paige as a loan and will start to pay her back gradually. Just like I would like to pay you back for all the things you bought for me and the kids.”
“Not happening.” I’m almost growling. “I bought those for you.”
“Yes, with your money which I appreciate, but…”
“But nothing. That’s right, with my money that I can choose to spend how I like. I choose to spend it on you. That’s what you do for people you love.” I know I’m losing it and that was a cruel thing to say.
“Okay, let’s forget that then.”
“Mia, what happened today? I’m so confused, I left the love of my life, glowing from some amazing sex, and five hours later we’re here. Help me out, please.”
“I know it’s hard to understand, but it’s the best thing for both of us. I just need you to believe me and…” Taking a deep breath, she says the two words that smash my heart, what is left of it. “Trust me.”
I grab her into my arms as we’re both sobbing. I have never cried like this, but I don’t care. Nothing has ever hurt as much as I’m hurting now.
“Lex?” Shit, I know what’s coming.
“Nope, I’m not answering.”
“Then I won’t tell you, but I need to go.”
“Nope, not letting you go. Mia, I don’t know if I can.” I take her face in my hands, I know for the last time. I just need one more taste.
“Mia, I love you and that will never change.” I kiss her on the lips, the ones that I have made my own but now I’m sadly saying goodbye to. As we pull apart, she just nods with her tears pouring down her face. I know she’s done and not able to say another word.
Slowly she takes a step back until our joined hands slide apart and the last touch is broken.
She walks backwards to the elevator like she too is taking every last second to memorize what we have. Pushing the button, the doors open, and as she steps in, I call to her, “Mia. When you’re done running, you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting.”
My last vision of her as the doors closing is her nodding and hugging herself in a desperation to stop the pain.
And behind she is leaving a shattered man.
My words from this afternoon have never felt truer.
The only thing that would keep us apart tonight would be a huge explosion.
Fucking boom!
MIA
“Mia.” No, please Lex, no more.
“When you’re done running, you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting.”
The elevator doors close, and I collapse to the floor.
My heart’s gone.
I left it with him, and I’ll never get it back.
He claimed it, and I know he will always treasure it. Even when his is bleeding from the pain. He will still protect mine. That’s just how my Lex is.
The doors of the elevator open, and I look through the tears to see Ashton and Paige standing there waiting for me.
He leans down and picks me up and carries me away from the one person who feels like home.
I don’t think I have any more tears to cry.
I’m curled up on the floor under the window, trying to find a star. Just one is all I need tonight. But all I see are dark clouds, and every so often a glimmer of the moon from behind the clouds.
I know I’m doing the best for Lex, and in some ways for me, just the pain is more than anything I can describe. Why, if it’s the right thing, does it feel so wrong?
When Mason got home from going to check on Lex, he came to try and comfort me.
Telling me that Lex will be okay, and that he understood why I did what I did.
It was total bullshit, because if Lex loves me like I love him, then he’s not okay, and he won’t be okay tomorrow or the next day either. Tonight, he probably hates me more than he loves me.
In one of our after-sex deep and meaningful talks, we both confessed we never really gave our heart to anyone because we were so afraid of the hurt. Because we knew what it felt like to long for love and not have it.
Then today I did exactly what he always feared.
I broke his heart.
Tonight, I need to let the hurt and pain pour out, because tomorrow I have to pick myself up and learn to move on.
To show the world that I am worth something.
That I deserve to be loved.
Because you can never truly feel love until you’re ready to believe you are worthy of it.
LEX
I don’t want to move from this daybed on the balcony.
I’ve been lying here since Mason left, trying to find a star, just one.
I need to know she can see one. If I can’t be her star, she needs the ones that get her through a day. That make her feel safe.
But just like I feel, the sky is dark and has no light tonight.
Mason promised he would watch over her. But he’s not me.
When I asked him what the hell happened, he either didn’t know or couldn’t tell me, but my gut feeling is nobody really knows. Mia knows how to put up a wall that no one can climb over.
She asked me to trust her which I have no choice but to do.
My phone starts buzzing next to me, and I jump to grab it in case it’s her.
The name on the screen makes my blood run cold.
“You fucking touch her, and I will kill you with my bare hands,” I scream at Ashton down the phone.
“For fuck’s sake, of course that’s what you think. I thought we got past this shit, dickhead.”
“Yeah, until you organized to move her in next door to you, asshole.”
“Lex, I know you’re pissed, so I’ll let you off this once for talking to me like that. Now shut your mouth and listen. I shouldn’t be calling you, but I know how much you love her, and you need to know this.”
I sit up so quick my head is spinning a little. “What do you know, what did she tell you? Start talking now, Ashton, or so help me god I will hurt you.” I’m sure half of Chicago can hear me I’m yelling down the phone that loud.
“If you shut up for five seconds then I will. Damn, you are such a lawyer.”
“Ashton!”
“Contrary to your belief, I moved Mia into the apartment next to me—that I own, by the way—so she can afford something nice even though I’m charging her about the quarter of what it’s worth.”
“I’ll pay you.”
“Shut up, dickhead. I did it because I can keep her safe for you and we both know that she is going to need a friend. I’m that friend, you idiot, to both of you. She trusts me and she doesn’t want to ruin your friendship with Mason and Paige and put them in the middle, so I’m it. Now you might not like that, but it’s the way it is. So, when your anger simmers down a bit, you’ll see a little clearer that I have done this for you as much as I did for Mia.”
“Keep going,” I mumble.
“Oh, now he wants to listen.”
“Not the time for humor.” I’m still hanging on by a thread.
“She needs to see if she can do this on her own, and I know you’re going to say that she doesn’t have to, but she thinks she does and that’s all that matters. So, if you want my advice, you let her try. You back away and let her find her feet. Let her realize what we already know, that she can do anything. She’s got such an inner strength that she doesn’t give herself enough credit for. Man, what she did today to walk away from you took more courage than some of the bravest soldiers I know. And before you ask why she did it, that’s her story to tell you, Lex. Just hang in there, and when she’s ready, you’ll know. Because there is no way in this world that woman will be able to stay away from you forever. Even a dumbass like me can see that.”
I totally owe this man my life, because once again I have shown him the wors
t side of me.
“I don’t know what to say to you, Ashton. Except you’re right, I’m an idiot. No matter what I tell myself, I just don’t see clearly sometimes when it comes to Mia. She leads me around by my balls and that blurs my vision at times. I’m sorry for what I said and…thank you for being there when she won’t allow me to be.”
“I bet that hurt coming out your mouth.” Bastard’s laughing at me.
“Nothing could hurt more than my heart does right now. Take some advice from me. Do not, under any circumstances, let a woman past the wall on your heart, man. You think the bullet burned going through your chest? Well this is one hundred times worse.” I lie back down on the daybed and take a deep breath.
“Noted. I’m going to leave you to try to sleep, but can I just say one more thing?”
“Sure,” I say, looking up to the sky.
“From the outside looking in, I don’t know your story, but maybe this is your time to work out what you really want from life too. Maybe Mia isn’t the only one who has some soul searching to do. Just think about it. I’ll stay in touch, and if you value my help, you keep your mouth shut and these phone calls just between us. Understand?”
“Totally, and I’m grateful. Hopefully one day I can repay you.”
“I’ve already recorded the IOU in my memory, buddy. Talk soon.”
“You better believe it.”
The phone call ends, and I think one of the bricks I had been stacking back around my heart fell off the wall. Just leaving that little hole. Just in case, one day someone might want to peek back through the wall.
Staring at the sky, the clouds part just for a split second, and there it is.
The lone star.
Just one, hovering in the darkness.
Mia’s star watching over her from above.
The last two days have been the longest of my life.
Not leaving my apartment almost killed me, especially when I knew everyone else was helping Mia move and settling into her new place. The guys have been calling and messaging, wanting to come over, but I didn’t want visitors. I had a lot to sort through in my head, and to do that I needed to be alone.