A cup of coffee waited for me, along with a plate of dry toast. I lifted the coffee, grateful for the bitter brew, but nudged the toast to the side. My stomach was already in knots and ready to heave—it didn’t need the added incentive of food.
Rene allowed me a few moments of peace then sat forward, resting his arms on his thighs. I could see his injured arm still had a long way to go—it was smaller and didn’t move as well as the other one, but I knew he would recover.
He cleared his throat, making me lift my gaze to his face. His countenance was serious, the look in his eyes one of disappointment.
Shame flooded my chest without him saying a word.
“Fee told you.”
“Only that you broke things off with her. Unlike you, she was at the office this morning, prepared to act like a mature adult.”
I shifted in my chair. I shouldn’t be surprised by her generosity. But I had done more than just break things off with her. I had been horrible and said things I didn’t mean so she would hate me.
“What are you doing, Halton? That woman is the best thing that has ever happened to you.”
“Protecting her from me, Rene.”
“Bullshit.”
I stood, unable to sit and meet his eyes. His anger, I could handle. His disappointment, not so much.
“I’m incapable of maintaining a relationship. I’m emotionally stunted—you know that—I have nothing to offer.”
He leaned back, straightening his pant leg. “Again, I call bullshit.” He cocked his head to the side, studying me. “You want to know the real truth?”
With a huff, I sat down. “As if I have a choice.”
He leaned forward, his gaze steady. “You’re a fucking coward.”
“What?”
“You heard me.” He shook his head. “You think you’re the first guy to feel doubts about love, Halton? That you are the only fucking man who has ever lived and wondered what the future would hold if he allowed his heart to feel? To worry about things?” He stuck his finger in my chest. “Coward.”
I glared at him but held my tongue. I knew he was far from being finished.
“Yeah, you had a shit childhood. You have a rotten mother, and you lost your father too young. Your life was awful. I get it. But Halton, you are the one in control now. You are the one stopping yourself from finding happiness. There is no one to blame right now but yourself.”
“I will fail. I already know that.”
He shook his head, his anger showing. “You know nothing of the sort. The Halton I know has never failed at anything he set his mind to. You’re the one stopping this from happening. This is on you—no one else.”
I stared, silent. His words echoed in my head, but I knew he wasn’t done.
“One of the things I have always admired about you is your honesty, Halton. But right now, you’re lying to yourself and to me. You’re not afraid to fail. You’re afraid to feel. I saw something in you these past weeks with Fee I was afraid I would never see. I saw you live. Actually fucking live. Not work all the time and take pills to find a few hours of sleep. You laughed. Smiled more. Touched another human. Cared for her. You were prepared to do anything in order to make sure she was okay—even risk your career for her.” He held up his hand, stopping me from replying. “Don’t give me the bullshit about it being your job. I’ve been with you for years, and I’ve seen you do your job. Go above and beyond for your clients, but not like this, Halton. Not the way you were with Fee.”
There was a beat of silence. He narrowed his gaze, hunching closer.
“The way you looked at her. The way your face changed when she would walk into the room—how you responded to her in every way. That wasn’t an attorney with a client, or a boss with an employee. That was a man in love.” He sat back. “Why are you throwing that away?”
I could only shake my head, unable to speak.
Rene’s voice grew solemn. Low and serious.
“How do you think I felt at eighteen when I got Sally pregnant? I had no choice but to grow up fast. Accept my responsibilities. Act like an adult. I was scared shitless about the future, but I did it. I worked and went to school. Life wasn’t easy. Hell, we were still kids, but we made it work. I became a father when most of my friends were going to university and partying. I was home, changing diapers. I worked hard, and so did my wife. We relied on each other, and against all odds, we made it.” He sighed. “I was scared every day for years, Halton. Worried if I had done the right thing. If my carelessness had messed up not only our lives, but my son’s as well. But I had Sally, and she was my rock.” A tear ran down his cheek, and he brushed it away. “I miss her every day, but I will never regret taking that chance with her and making a great life. You are throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to you.”
“This is different.”
“Is it? Is it really? Aren’t you refusing to take a chance? To trust someone in a way you have never trusted before? Fee is not your mother, Halton. Her love doesn’t come with pain and games. What you see is what you get with her. And what I see when I look at her is a woman deeply in love with a man and wanting to help him.”
“I don’t love her. I don’t love anyone. That’s the point,” I snapped. “Why can’t you accept that about me? I care for people. Yes, some more than others, but I am incapable of love. Emotional attachments aren’t for me.”
He pursed his lips and sat back, crossing his legs. He regarded me for a moment and I waited for his BS comment again, but instead, he tilted his head.
“All right.”
I was surprised by his remark.
“The lecture is over, then?”
“I have one question, and I want an honest answer. Then I’ll drop it.”
I sat back, mirroring his pose. “Ask me.”
“Consider yourself under oath, Halton. I am asking for brutal honesty.”
I waved my hand. “Ask.”
“If you’re incapable of love and you have no deep emotional attachment to Fee, why did you drink yourself into oblivion this weekend after you broke it off with her?”
I blinked. Then, again. Rene’s intense gaze never wavered.
I swallowed the sudden dryness in my throat.
“She was awesome in bed. I’ll miss the sex.”
He stood, looking down at me. “I have seen and heard you do a lot of questionable things, Halton—” he huffed out a disgusted breath “—but this is the first time I have ever been ashamed of you.” He walked to the door. “Straighten yourself out and get your ass into the office tomorrow. I am not covering for you again.”
The door slammed behind him, the sound making me wince.
The silence that followed his departure, however, was far louder.
I was in the office early on Tuesday, wanting to be prepared for whatever hell the day held for me. Between Rene’s anger and Fee’s hurt, I wasn’t sure how I would handle myself.
I heard them come in, chatting like old friends. Not long after, Rene brought me in a coffee and sat down, his tablet in hand, his voice calm, his demeanor the same as usual, although I detected a trace of coldness that hadn’t existed until now.
“We need to go over your schedule.” He turned and called over his shoulder. “Fee, a moment please, dear.”
I braced myself, unsure how this was going to play out. Fee came in, her hair swept up, a gray suit showing off her shapely body. She sat down, offering me a cool smile.
“Hello, Hal. I hope you’re feeling better today.”
Hal. She called me Hal.
Somehow, I didn’t like hearing her call me that name. But I forced a return smile and played along with their game.
“Yes, better, Fee. Thank you.”
She didn’t react to the emphasis I put on her name. She crossed her legs, the skirt riding up and showing her dimpled knees. I recalled kissing those dimples. Tracing my finger around the edges as I gripped her knees, spreading her open while I licked her to orgasm.
I
had to avert my eyes.
The next twenty minutes were surreal. It was as if nothing had occurred. We went through my schedule, switching appointments, adjusting times, and making sure we were all on the same page. Fee didn’t talk much, but she jotted down notes, offered a few suggestions, and kept her gaze fixed firmly on Rene.
I couldn’t stop looking at her.
She was pale, and she looked as tired as I felt. I wanted to touch her, ask her if she was okay, but I knew I no longer had the right.
When the meeting was over, she stood and went into the library. Rene followed, shutting the door between us.
It remained closed the rest of the week.
I only saw Fee if she was at Rene’s desk or passing through the reception area. She somehow always managed to drop off my lunch at my desk while I was on the phone. She was professional, polite, and impersonal. Exactly the way I would want an extra assistant in the office to act.
I hated it. Every single fucking minute of it.
By Friday, I was tense and agitated. I spent the afternoon closed in judge’s chambers, shredding an asshole who was trying to take his child away from my client to be vindictive. I let my anger loose, and by the time we were done and I had presented my case, not only did Vivian have custody, her ex-husband was paying through the nose for his stupid stunt. All my aggression went into my arguments, and they were on point, succinct, and dripping with rage.
Back at my office building, I rested my head against the cool metal wall of the elevator, grateful I was the lone occupant. I was exhausted. My insomnia had returned with a vengeance. Before Fee, I had managed a few hours a night. Now I was lucky to get fifteen-minute naps spaced out by long hours of pacing, trying to exhaust myself. I knew I would have to swallow some pills this weekend to get some rest. They would leave me groggy and unable to function well the next morning, but by Saturday afternoon, I would be better. I hated taking them, but at this point, I had no choice.
I somehow doubted Fee would offer to let me sleep beside her, even if I asked. She had looked tired this morning, the dark circles under her eyes almost as bad as mine. She had still smiled that distant smile I hated and said good morning, before going into the library and shutting the door in our shared wall.
I walked into the office, partially relieved, partially disappointed when I found only Rene there. He was on the phone, his gaze watchful as I went to my desk, sitting down heavily. I noticed the door was now open between the library and my office and the top of Fee’s desk was empty and spotless except for the lamp on the corner she liked to use. She must have cleaned it off for the weekend. As I went through the stack of messages on my desk, my gaze kept drifting to the empty desk—somehow, it seemed odd to me.
Rene came in and slid a tray onto the corner of my desk. I picked up the cup of coffee and attacked the sandwich. I was starving. He sat across from me, discussing the busy schedule I had next week.
“You are booked solid. Including three attorneys who you want to interview to join you. I have those scheduled in the early evenings.”
I nodded around a mouthful of pastrami.
“I spoke with Bentley earlier. The office on the other side of the library is about to become vacant. He said he had no issues adding it to your current lease. We could add another set of doors in the corner and expand easily.”
I frowned and swallowed. “But Fee’s desk is there.”
He waved his hand. “Not an issue. I looked at the plans. Lots of room for an assistant’s desk in the new space. Bentley offered to send over some ideas. He has Liv and Van working on it already. You can look over the drawings next week.”
Liv and Van were two of my favorite people at BAM. I had helped them on a few occasions—once when her ex tried to take their daughter, whom he never wanted, from Liv, and with the adoptions of their two children. I was even godfather to their daughter Amelia. Why they had granted the honor to me, I still hadn’t figured out, but I had to admit I was fond of the child. All their children, actually. They were a great family. I had every confidence I would like their ideas since they knew me so well and what I liked.
“Okay. That’s great.” I scrubbed my face.
“You look exhausted.”
I lifted one shoulder. “I am.”
“Have you slept at all this week?”
“Maybe three hours in total,” I admitted.
He shook his head, his look saying it all. I knew I had done it to myself.
“You need to sleep, Halton. I assume you’ll be taking your prescription tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“I will check on you in the morning.”
I met his eyes, seeing only sadness and worry in them.
“Thanks, Rene. I appreciate it.”
He stood. “Don’t work too late.”
“I won’t. I’m going to grab a bite at the bar later and head home by nine.”
Pausing, he held the back of the chair but didn’t say anything for a moment. “All right.”
Before he could leave, I had to ask. “Fee left already? Was she okay?”
“She had an appointment.”
“Ah.” Then before I could stop myself, the words were out. “Why is her desk so clean?”
He stopped at the door, regarding me sadly. “Because she left, Halton. She found another job, and she will not be returning. She asked me to wish you much luck.”
He turned and walked away.
I was out of my seat in a second, following him.
“What? Why did she leave? Where did she go?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course, it matters,” I snapped.
He slid his coat around his shoulders, the movement still jerky and slow. “She is going to work for BAM.”
“What the hell?” I yelled.
He held up his hand before I could continue.
“Reid was here yesterday, and he mentioned they’re so busy that Sandy required an assistant of her own. I called her and recommended Fee. They met last night, and Sandy hired her immediately. She gave me her notice today. I, of course, waived her two-week notice period, so she could start fresh next week. I thought it was for the best.” He eyed me. “It wasn’t as if she had a contract or anything holding her here.”
“You recommended her? Why the hell would you do that? She was invaluable here!”
He perched on the edge of his desk. “Yes, she was, and I will miss her immensely. But the fact is that the situation wasn’t going to work, and we all knew that. Given the tension between you two, it was inevitable this would happen.”
“I thought everything was fine!” I protested, knowing my words were a lie but spouting them anyway.
Rene stood, shaking his head. “That seems to be a constant issue with you these days, Halton. Unless it’s for your clients, your thought process, frankly, is fucked. You have no one to blame for this but yourself. Fee will be happier working in a place where she isn’t reminded of her mistakes every time she sees you.”
His choice of words stung.
“Mistakes? What, now—I’m a mistake?”
“Hiring you as her attorney, no. Working here, no. Falling in love with you and thinking that somehow, with enough patience, she would show you that love is real and good, yes. As I said before, your determination not to try made sure that was a wasted effort. I hope she can move past you. I really do—she deserves it.”
“So much for loyalty,” I spat out.
He tugged on his sleeves. “Oh, you have my loyalty. You will always have that. But I have come to see even I don’t rank high enough for you to truly consider me worthy of your love.”
“What?”
He studied me for a moment. “I love you as my own son, Halton. I have all these years. I always thought, in some way, I was like a father to you. That I meant something to you—stupidly, I thought enough of our relationship to think you loved me in your own way, even though you can’t express it. But you have insisted time and again you’re incapable
of any sort of love. So I have to assume my affection is one-sided and act accordingly. You have my loyalty and I will continue to care, but like Fee, I cannot allow my heart to feel more, knowing the sentiment will never be returned.”
He strode to the door, looking back at me. “And that, more than anything, saddens me. You have such a capacity for love, Halton. Everyone can see it but you. The only person who thinks you’re unworthy or incapable of it is you. It truly breaks my heart.”
He left, once again leaving me alone with my thoughts.
They were loud enough to fill the silence that surrounded me.
I tossed my phone to the side, my mood even darker after accepting a call from my mother. After our conversation, it would be the last one I ever accepted.
Rain hit the windows, a steady beat of drops. It had gotten harder as the evening grew longer, the darkness settling across the sky. I stared out the window, hearing the distant rumble of thunder growing closer.
When it fully hit, the storm was going to be violent.
Much the way the storm in my head felt.
I set down my scotch and picked up my phone, dialing a number with impatient fingers.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Bentley stated, not bothering with hello. “Unless you’re calling to thank me for the extra office space, shut it. She came to us. All I did was talk to her. Sandy made the decision, and frankly, I think she’ll be a huge asset here.”
“Change her mind.”
Bentley laughed. “Who? Sandy? Fee?”
“Both of them.”
“Hal, I don’t know the whole story, but I know enough. You need the separation. She needs a fresh start.” He lowered his voice. “Isn’t that why you fought so hard for her? To give her a fresh start?”
“Yes.”
“Then let her go. Give it to her.”
I looked around the office, needing to say the words to someone. Needing to get them out before I buried them so deep, they would never escape. They bubbled and pricked at my throat, needing to be said.
Halton: Vested Interest #6 Page 20