Caliente

  “Doc, that’s our cue to make our get away,” Dave suggested.

  “I agree. We’ll be caught in the middle of girl talk for an hour,” Doc responded.

  “What’s new today?” Charlotte asked.

  “We hired Uncle Donald’s French maid, Giselle,” Marilyn reported.

  “Giselle! Giselle, my ass. She’s not from France. She’s from Macon, Georgia,” Charlotte remarked.

  “We got a discount for letting her work in the nude,” Marilyn said.

  “You’ll get more work out of her that way,” Charlotte said with a chuckle.

  As Doc and Dave walked around the cul-de-sac, Dave would stop and occasionally introduce him to a few neighbors. As they reached the opening of the cul-de-sac, Dave motioned for Doc to stop for him to take a breath and get another can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

  A lady approached Doc and asked, ”Do you mind if I sit in your lap for a while?”

  “That seat isn’t taken,” Doc said with a smile.

  “As the woman sat in Doc’s lap, she said, “I’m Tracy. I have heard you sing a couple of times, but we haven’t actually met.”

  “I’m Dr. David Michaels but most people just say Doc,” he explained.

  “I can tell that you’re glad to see me,” Tracy said.

  Not realizing that Tracy was sitting on the air pistol in the holster, he said, “I’m happy when beautiful women sit in my lap.”

  It wasn’t long before Tracy began gently rubbing herself against the bulging pistol. The conversation lagged as she began to obviously enjoy the activity. Doc decided not to break her concentration after concluding that it wouldn’t be long before she had finished the needful.

  Dave walked back with the PBR in his hand. He wasn’t really sure what was going on, but it was obvious that Tracy was enjoying the activity.

  About that moment Tracy gently moans and falls limp in Doc’s lap. It takes about thirty seconds for her to recover.

  “You’re naughty!” she exclaimed as she hopped out of Doc’s lap and headed for the crowd. Suddenly, she turned, waved, and blew a kiss to Doc.

  “I don’t know what you were doing, Doc. But, it’s pretty obvious you made a lasting impression,” Dave McDonald remarked.

  “I hope she doesn’t give out recommendations,” Doc said rolling his eyes.

  “You better hope her boyfriend, Jeff Reiner, doesn’t find out. As Lynyrd Skynyrd says in the song, “Gimme Three Steps”, he’s ‘a man who cares,’” Dave said.

  “She . . . I’m mean . . . it was . . . er, I mean . . . did all the work,” Doc stammered.

  “How’s my little soldier?” Marilyn asked as she approached Doc and Dave.

  “He’s seen a little action tonight,” Dave replied with Doc giving him an evil glance.

  “I’ve got an application to become one of the Dickie Do girls,” Marilyn said excitedly.

  “Do either of you know anything about Dickie Do?” Dave asked.

  “Uncle Donald always said he was a Dickie Do guy.” Doc replied.

  “Why was that?” she asked.

  “He said, ‘Because my belly sticks out further than my dickie do,’” Doc said with a laugh.

  “No doubt,” Marilyn replied.

  “A Dickie Do girl is basically a call girl that is available to members of Dickie Do,” Dave said.

  “Well, that was a short-lived career,” Doc remarked as he watched Marilyn put the application in a nearby trash can.

  Bruno Eberhardt stood on a small ladder and began blowing a rather shrill whistle signaling it was 9:00 pm. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned in Bruno’s direction.

  “What’s he doing?” Marilyn asked.

  “He’s signaling that it’s 9:00 pm,” Dave replied.

  “Why is that significant?” Doc asked.

  “The rule is: When the whistle blows, everything goes,” Dave explained.

  “Marilyn’s in trouble. Her costume is spray painted,” Doc observed.

  “You’re the one in trouble, David,” she responded.

  “Why do you think that?” Doc asked.

  “Looks like your little soldier is coming out to greet the neighbors,” Marilyn said.

  “He’s been practicing standing at attention,” Dave remarked.

  “I should have gotten this camouflage painted on,” Doc said with a large sigh.

  13. Honkytonk Badonkadonk

  Doc and Marilyn had settled in as the newest residents of the Caliente community. He was out for a solo brunch at Café Ole while Marilyn participated in a charity topless car wash for a few hours.

  One of the weekend bartenders, Robert Wilson, had been injured in an auto accident the previous week. Although his principal injury consisted of a broken leg, it would be a few weeks before he would be behind the counter at the Caliente Tiki Bar.

  Suzie, the Spa Manager, had talked Marilyn into helping with a charity car wash to help with Robert’s lost wages during his absence.

  Meanwhile, Doc opted to spend his morning having a delicious breakfast at the resort’s white tablecloth restaurant. The restaurant had quite a few patrons but was not overly crowed.

  As Doc sipped on his large glass of Florida orange juice, a thirty-something, attractive brunette approached his table and asked if she could talk with him. Doc nodded and the young lady seated herself.

  “Aren’t you the karaoke guy they call Doc?” she asked.

  “That would be me. I sang one song a few weeks ago and now I’m the karaoke guy,” he replied.

  “My name is Lila Love. I do a lot of things at Caliente. A couple of those are teaching a twerking and pole dancing class for about four weeks five or six times a year,” Lila explained.

  “I understand pole dancing but what in the hell is twerking?” Doc queried.

  “Twerking is a dance move where female dancers throw or thrust their hips back and shake their bottoms. It is quite the crowd pleaser,” Lila Love replied.

  “How does that involve me?” Doc asked politely.

  “I want to announce the beginning of another four- week class session at Tiki Bar karaoke this afternoon. I need you to sing Trace Akins’ song ‘Honkytonk Badonkadonk,’” she replied.

  “I know the song and I can sing it. But, it’s karaoke, not a concert,” Doc said with a chuckle.

  “If I do as well with my struttin’ and twerkin’ as I hope, you’ll be better than Trace Adkins himself,” Miss Love promised.

  “I’ll be there at 5:00 pm but the crowd reaches its peak around 7:00 pm. I recommend that your twerking begin at that time,” Doc suggested.

  “That’s great! After our performance is finished, I have a couple of other things to talk to you about,” Lila said as she stood and made her exit.

  * * *

  After the first hour the charity car wash had made $160 in washes and donations. It wasn’t as much as they had hoped but there was still two hours before it would shut down.

  The event was in a very visible location near the tennis and pickle ball courts. Every vehicle that entered or left the resort would pass the car wash.

  A gentleman in a red Porsche Boxster parked and motioned for Marilyn. She walked to the car and smiled pleasantly.

  “I wanted to get a good look and negotiate a car wash,” the middle-aged gentleman remarked.

  “The car wash is $10 but most people add a small gratuity or donation to that amount,” Marilyn said.

  “How much for a nude car wash?” the man asked.

  “Let me get the coordinator over here to answer that question. Her name is Suzie. I’ll be right back,” Marilyn offered.

  The man nodded and smiled. He stared as Marilyn walked away in her ragged Daisy Duke style denim shorts.

  “Marilyn explained that you want to purchase a totally nude car wash,” Suzie said.

  “I don’t want to see anything including shoes,” the gentleman explained.

  “Which girl do you have in mind?” she inquired.

  “Her,
” he replied, pointing to Marilyn.

  “It’ll be $100 cash for a stripped-down car wash by Marilyn,” she offered.

  Marilyn was quite surprised as she had only been topless at Caliente. She thought that the bending, stretching, and reaching might be bad naked rather than good naked. Nevertheless, she nodded her head affirmatively.

  “What if I add getting foamy suds all over her body?” he asked.

  Without hesitation, Suzie said, “Another $100.”

  “I’m in. Here’s my $200. But, how much more if I get to watch her wash the soap off with that hose?” he inquired.

  “It’s $50 more if you watch and $100 if you use the hose,” Suzie replied.

  “Here’s another $100. Let’s get started,” the gentleman exclaimed.

  * * *

  Doc made his way to a palapa near the Tiki Bar and began to sort through his email. At about 12:30 pm Marilyn appeared and joined Doc.

  “How did the car wash go?” Doc asked.

  “We made almost $700 today,” Marilyn said with excitement.

  “That’s nice,” Doc said as he scrolled through his list of emails.

  “A middle-aged man gave $200 to see me totally naked!” Marilyn said.

  “Did he ask for a refund?” Doc inquired.

  “Actually he gave an extra $100 donation and even used the hose to wash away the suds on me,” she replied in a slightly indignant manner.

  Just as Marilyn finished speaking, Lila Love walked toward the palapa. Marilyn smiled and Doc nodded as she approached them.

  “Marilyn, this is Lila Love. She teaches twerking and pole dancing classes here at Caliente. Her classes begin next week. She’s performing a dance routine while I sing that Trace Adkins song, Honkytonk Badonkadonk,” Doc explained.

  “That’s nice,” Marilyn said to Doc slightly rolling her eyes.

  “I’m really excited,” Lila said.

  “What are you wearing during the performance?” Marilyn asked.

  “Just a small white G-string,” Lila replied.

  “That’ll make alcohol sales go up today,” Doc suggested.

  “Indeed,” Marilyn remarked.

  “We’ve got about two hours before Lila wants us to perform. Let’s go to Lust and look at slutwear,” Doc suggested.

  “Charlotte prefers that you call it sexy wear or resort wear,” Marilyn retorted.

  “Like Gertrude Stein said, ‘A rose is a rose is a rose,” Doc said philosophically.

  The couple entered Lust boutique and there were several customers browsing the shop’s merchandise. Sunday afternoons were always good times for finding treasures at Lust.

  “Doc, are you casting caution to the wind and setting free your lust today?” Charlotte asked in a loud voice.

  “Don’t worry, it’s not conquered yet,” Doc replied in an equally loud voice.

  A very attractive forty-something blonde was looking and feeling of a very fancy, sequined, red bra and panty set. Doc made the mistake of making eye contact with her.

  “Can you help me with this?” the lady asked as she put the cups around her large, firm breasts.

  “What do you need me to do?” Doc asked.

  “Hook me, please,” the hot blonde implored.

  Doc retrieved his reading glasses, placed them on, and began to fumble with getting the four hooks fastened. It was apparent that he was struggling.

  “I hope he’s better at taking one off than putting one on,” Charlotte remarked.

  After finishing the task, the woman looked at herself in one of the side mirrors. Doc checked out the finished product, too.

  “It’s in the next to last position. It can be loosened,” Doc explained.

  “Help me get it off. I’m buying this outfit and wearing it to the next party,” she explained.

  With the flick of his hand, the fancy bra hit the floor. It appeared effortless.

  Before anyone could say anything, Doc remarked, “That’s my specialty.”

  “Charlotte, do you have any sexy wear for men?” Marilyn inquired.

  “We only have what’s on that rounder in the back-left corner. But, Androgynous down the street has a lot of that type of fashion for men,” she instructed.

  “We’ll give it a try after your performance,” Marilyn promised.

  “Sounds like you’re getting lucky, Doc,” Charlotte said.

  “Come on, lucky man. We’ve actually got time to do a little shopping at Androgynous before you sing,” Marilyn opined.

  * * *

  Androgynous Boutique was only a couple of miles from the main gate at Caliente Resort. It was at the end of a very small strip mall but took two complete store units.

  Doc said later that he felt like a Ken doll in the hands of a stripper with Marilyn looking for outfits for him. Most of her selections ended up in the “No” or “Hell No” piles.

  Nevertheless Doc was attracted to one particular outfit. It was silver lamé, a fabric woven with ribbons of metallic fabric. The outfit included shorts, a matching bowtie, and matching cuffs that snapped on both wrists.

  “Where’s the shirt?” Doc asked.

  “It’s for a teddy bear look,” the male clerk said.

  “What’s a teddy bear look?” Doc inquired.

  “It’s for a muscular man with a little fur on his chest,” the clerk said with a giggle.

  “Women like a little grass on the playground occasionally,” Marilyn remarked.

  “Men, too!” the salesclerk opined.

  “Oh, hell,” Doc said with a sigh.

  “We’ll take it. You can wear it to the comedy show after karaoke tonight,” Marilyn remarked.

  * * *

  Marilyn and Doc arrived the Tiki Bar about ten minutes before Lila and Doc’s performance. With a minute or so, Lila Love showed up in her tiny white G-string and gave Doc a big hug and a kiss.

  “I’ll tell KJ Nick to get us in the rotation,” she said as she walked away.

  “Friendly little thing,” Marilyn said with an eye roll.

  “I suppose,” Doc said in a monotone reply.

  KJ Nick Colorado pointed toward Doc indicating that he would be the next performer. The Tiki Bar was full, and had an overflow spilling out both the front and back doors. The covered patio area behind the Tiki Bar was almost full. The heated winter pool nearby was almost full, too.

  KJ Nick handed Doc the expensive microphone and said, “You know the rule.”

  “Drop this and I’m a dead man,” Doc said with a chuckle.

  As the music started, Doc mimicked Trace’s intro by saying, “Turn it up, son.”

  Lila Love put her drink on the bar and walked quite seductively toward the small stage at the rear of the Tiki Bar. All eyes were upon her as she gave an exaggerated hip and arm swing.

  Doc continued, “Here she comes now, here she comes.”

  The clapping, whistling, and yelling covered Doc’s rendition of the first verse. As he neared the chorus, KJ Nick ran the sound up very loudly to overcome the crowd noise.

  Doc hit the chorus and Lila Love alternately thrust here hips and flexed and wiggled her nearly bare bottom to the lyrics. It truly was a sight to behold. Doc crooned:

  “Honkytonk badonkadonk

  Keeping perfect rhythm makes you wanna swing along

  Got it goin’ on like Donkey Kong

  And ooohwee shut my mouth, slap your grandma

  There ought to be a law, get the sheriff on the phone

  Lord have mercy how’d she even get them britches on

  With that honkytonk badonkadonk!”

  Doc decided to ad lib a bit during the musical break: “Aw son! That’s what I’m talking about right there. That’s why I sing karaoke. It’s not for the recognition. It’s not for the free drinks. It’s for that badonkadonk!”

  Needless to say, between Lila Love’s fantastic gyrations and Doc’s rendition of the Trace Adkins favorite, it was another performance to be remembered.

  As the song finished, KJ N
ick announced, “That’s Doc Michaels and Lila Love doing Honkytonk Badonkadonk! If you want to learn to move like that ladies, Lila’s dance pole and twerking classes start at 6:00 pm Wednesday night and last for four weeks.”

  Moving through the crowd and receiving back pats and high fives, Doc, Marilyn, and Lila retired to the covered patio outside the Tiki Bar.

  “To put it bluntly, I’m a porn star,” Lila Love said.

  “Is that a gratifying line of work for you?” Marilyn asked.

  “Actually, I went to the New York Film Academy to be a film director. But over the past few years that never panned out,” Lila replied.

  “Why hasn’t that career taken off?” Doc asked.

  “There’s a lot of directors vying for a limited number of opportunities. I’m not connected to the industry and I haven’t done any films to get me noticed,” she explained.

  “How’s your porn business doing?” Doc inquired.

  “I have my own site. I shoot videos with my husband. He graduated NYFA in acting. We’re monogamous. Also, I do some directing for other porn companies,” Lila said.

  “What was your arrangement with Uncle Donald?” Marilyn asked.

  “He was going to let us shoot a video in his home. I had been contacted about directing a shoot for a nationwide distributor,” she replied.

  “So you want us to let you shoot the video at our home?” Doc inquired.

  “Actually, I wanted to do something different,” she said.

  “What exactly would that be?” Marilyn asked.

  “I want to shoot a XXX wheelchair fetish porn movie and a PG-13 movie about you two,” she said with a serious note.

  “Are you expecting us to appear in the porn movie?” Marilyn asked.

  “No, I have professional actors for the porn video. You can be a paid creative consultant fee on that one. It has a pretty good budget for a porn flick,” Lila said.

  “Let’s get to the Doc and Marilyn part,” Doc instructed.

  “We can use you as talent or as consultants to the story line,” Lila offered.

  “Do you think anyone would be interested in that PG-13 video?” Marilyn asked.

  “Actually, I want to pitch it as a pilot for a single camera adult comedy on one of the streaming services. I have the credentials. I just need the subject. Nobody has done a comedy with the lead character in a wheelchair,” she remarked.