by Nicole Thorn
Someone knocked on my door, making me sit up in response. I already knew who it would be, so I hid my candy under the bed, and went to open the door. Mom and Dad had sullen looks on their faces as they walked in, and I went back to my bed for the lecture.
“Clover,” my mom started. “I got a very upsetting call at work today. Care to explain to me what happened at school?”
While there wasn’t much to explain, I still had to go over the story with them. God knew what Tammy told her, and I didn’t want my parents thinking I meant to push a car down a hill.
“I was in the parking lot after school,” I started. “I stopped for a minute, and leaned against a car. She left it in neutral, and it started rolling down the hill. I tried to stop it, but the glass broke instead of stopping.”
Dad sighed, and covered his face with his hands. “What moron thought it was smart to put a parking lot at the top of a hill?”
I shrugged.
Mom didn’t seem to want to cut me as much of a break. “You did a lot of damage to that car, and it’s going to take me a while to get it all fixed up. We talked about this kind of thing…”
“Yeah,” Dad added. “You wanna tell us what you have against cars lately?”
“It wasn’t on purpose,” I told them. “It really wasn’t. I leaned on it, and I didn’t know she put it in neutral. She didn’t care that it was an accident. Tammy wanted to kill me.”
My parents exchanged a look, clearly trying to decide what to do with me now. It probably looked like I went off the deep end. To be fair, I might have. I didn’t mean to break the windshield, but I did throw a hammer through the air. I didn’t mean to push the car down a hill, but I stalked my ex-boyfriend. I asked for all this, I supposed. I had issues…
“You’re terrifying us,” my mom said. “You don’t spend any time with people anymore, and now, you’re getting into trouble. You have to tell us right now if you’re planning on keeping this up.”
Dad said, “We have two little kids in this house that need us, and you can’t be off getting in trouble every single day. Our focus has to be on the children who actually need to be taken care of. You’re grown up now, Clover. Act like it.”
I knew that they were right on this, but what could I have done? Nothing felt right, and I didn’t know how to fix that. It wasn’t like I had someone I could have reached out to. No safe place that would have made me feel like I wasn’t totally insane for all the thoughts running through my head. That place left me a month ago, and I couldn’t go back there. I was on my own, and I had to learn how to get along anyway.
“I’m sorry,” I said as my eyes prickled. “I really didn’t mean to do it. The car started rolling, and I couldn’t stop it.”
“What were you even doing in the parking lot?” Mom asked. “And where were you all afternoon? Why didn’t you come home?”
I could have been honest with them, and said I wanted to avoid the conversation. That wouldn’t have sounded mature of me. Then again, neither was lying to them about it. Or saying I went off to buy a bunch of candy because real food didn’t look appealing to me at the moment. They got on me about that too, since I wouldn’t eat anything healthy.
“I had to get an extra credit assignment from a teacher,” I lied. “She made me come get it after class, and she needed help with something. I didn’t think it would be that big a deal.”
“It is a big deal,” Dad said. “I know you didn’t mean to mess up that car, honey, but we have to do something here. You’re grounded.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “What? I haven’t been grounded since I was ten.”
“Too bad,” Mom said. “You go from school to home until we tell you otherwise. If we keep ignoring this, then it’ll look like we don’t care.”
By all means, make sure it looks like you care. Don’t actually care.
Where did I go anyway? I almost never went farther than the driveway anymore, so I didn’t care all that much. I’d stay in my room, and stare at the wall like I always did. Though if I said that, my parents would have killed me.
“Okay,” I said. “I accept my grounding. I earned it.”
Dad nodded. “We don’t want to do this, but you need time to think about where you’re going in your life. You can’t let some boy upset you so much that you get into trouble.”
Some boy. He said it like I wasn’t in love with him. Like we didn’t make plans for our future, and talk about our children. He said it as if the rug of my life didn’t get pulled out from under me, and then burned. Everything had been perfectly planned out, and I didn’t have to worry. I had answers to it all. Now, without any of those answers, the whole world fell apart.
My eyes went to the little wooden carvings on display, and I thought about every single time Peter had given me one. He’d looked so happy and proud, and I loved them all. Now it stung my chest to see them, and I still couldn’t bear to throw them in the trash. It would have been like erasing all the good memories that I’d had with him. If I had only those left, then I had to keep them.
Something felt wrong in my brain, and it had been since long before I met Peter. Something missing, or off at least. I didn’t feel things the right way, and it was like people could see it in me. They didn’t like me, and they had no reason to. My empathy had gotten all out of whack, and I couldn’t even care about myself. Peter used to tell me that I’d eventually grow out of it. I still waited for that.
“Just hang out in here for a while,” Mom said. “I think you need some alone time.”
I nearly laughed at that, since I almost only had alone time. This was the most my parents had spoken to me in months. Even when Peter and I broke up, they didn’t say much more than he was a jerk, and some other boy would come along eventually. I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. A boy or a girl, it all looked the same to me, like it always had. Before Peter, I didn’t think anyone would have wanted me. Now, I didn’t want anyone else. I’d never even been attracted to that many people, let alone had feelings for them. Peter and I just fit together, and things went from there.
I didn’t want to look for that again, when I knew I wouldn’t have found it.
Chapter Four: Familiar
Thanks to March in Northern California, I had to pull a sweater on in the morning. A baggy one, that fell most of the way down to my knees. It went with the ripped up and stained jeans, so obviously I would stop traffic in the halls. Men would fall at my feet, begging me to allow them to fertilize my eggs, so that we may create the perfect human. That was the goal.
My parents didn’t say anything to me as I took a bottle of water from the kitchen. They didn’t even look at me, and the kids ran in before I could talk. I gave up before trying, and headed out for school.
Cold wind nipped at my skin as I walked outside, missing the warmth of Peter’s car. He got us to school quick too, so I could sleep in an extra half hour. Not that I needed more sleep, since it was most of what I did to pass the time.
When I got to school, I had far too much time on my hands. I walked slowly through the halls, shuffling along as everyone around me got on with their lives. A handful of people chatted about a party coming up on Friday. One of the rich kids liked to throw one every couple months, and invited anybody who wanted to come. It wasn’t my or Peter’s thing, so we never went. It sounded like a miserable time, being pushed and shoved by strangers.
The lacrosse team bolted through the halls, all in uniform, and louder than they needed to be. I moved out of the way so that I wouldn’t get trampled, and I looked down before my eyes could have found Peter. The last thing my morning needed was to see him.
I opened my locker, and started shoving my books into my backpack, biggest to smallest. My notebooks went in front, and then my pencil bag in front of that. Everything felt better when my life was organized, so I took the extra time to do it.
When I dared to look up, I saw Peter at his locker too. He stood all alone, staring at the inside of the door. I’d seen that look in
his eyes before, and it worried me. Peter lost himself sometimes, everything coming to a pause in his head. That happened when he had a problem at home. Like when his father started acting up, or he stressed about something. He used to come find me in situations like that, and I would do my best to make him feel better. It never worked as well as I wanted it to, but he said he appreciated the effort.
Something was wrong, and Peter had no one to talk to. I couldn’t let him suffer alone, no matter how much he hurt me.
Slowly, I started walking over to his locker. My heart raced, and my knees shook in protest. I never used to be this afraid to go and talk to my best friend. Though I felt utter terror going to him, I still did it.
“Peter,” I said, my voice sounding small. He didn’t react to me, so I said his name again.
The boy blinked, and then looked at me. He smiled. “Clove, long time no see.”
I held back a wince at the nickname. “Um, are you doing okay? You look a little upset.”
He shrugged. “I mean, Dad’s being a dick, and Mom’s ignoring it like usual. Kind of stressful.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
I expected him to say no, but instead, he told me. “Dad’s getting on me about picking a college. I have like six options.”
“I remember.” I was in his house when he got the letter to the school he wanted to go to, and he’d been so happy. We’d started making plans for if he got to go there. We wanted to get a little apartment to stay in while he went to school, and I worked. I didn’t get accepted into any colleges near his favorite.
Peter rubbed his eyes, and he sounded so tired. “If I don’t pick where my dad wants me to go, he’s going to make my life a living hell.”
“He won’t help you pay for it?”
“Oh, he will, but he’ll spend the rest of his life taking jabs, and telling me that I fucked up.”
Peter’s dad enjoyed throwing every failure or ‘wrong choice’ in his face. I’d been there for too many fights, and then breakdowns. Peter put too much effort into trying to please a man that would never be satisfied. I told him time and time again that he needed to let go, but the boy wouldn’t budge.
“Go where you want to go,” I said, having to stop myself from calling him a pet name. It had become habit at one point, and it took insane effort not to slip up now. “He’ll be a bastard either way.”
“I know. It’s still tough.”
I wished I knew what to say to make this better, but being human wasn’t my forte. Peter knew that, and said that my being there was enough. “I’m sorry he’s being this way.”
He sighed again. “It’s fine. Thanks for checking on me. You’ve really been the only one who’s ever done that.”
I smiled. “No problem. I want you to be okay.”
When he smiled back, it hurt. Why did this feel like it always had, when everything had changed so completely? It wasn’t fair. Something should have been a constant reminder that we weren’t friends anymore, and that love between us had shifted into something worthless.
“I want you to be okay too,” Peter said before trying to kill me. “I love you, Clove. It kills me to think I hurt you.”
If you love me, why did you leave me when you promised you never would? Happier without you. Happier without you. The pulse came back, and I remembered that conversation. I remember how he’d cried, and said he was sorry he hurt me. He thought this was better for the both of us, but I didn’t see how it would help me. I had no one else, and wanted nothing else. He would say that too, but he’d lied to me. Made a hundred promises that he didn’t keep. I remembered each and every one of them. Every kiss, and every I love you. Every time he said he could only hold it together because I was there.
“Have you been getting out much?” Peter asked. “It’s so weird not talking to you. I’ve reached for my phone so many times before remembering that I’m supposed to leave you alone.”
I stared at the ground. “Yeah, I know the feeling.”
“I want to be friends with you. You’re my best friend, and it would feel weird without you in my life.”
My head snapped up, and I had to keep my mouth closed when I wanted to yell at him. He told me that he felt happier when I wasn’t around, so what did that mean if he wanted to be my friend? I could have asked him, but I didn’t want to hear the bullshit he would have told me. Every story changed with him, when it needed to.
“I don’t know about that,” I said. “We dated for a long time. I think it would be weird.”
“It wouldn’t,” Peter responded. “We know each other better than anyone does. We’d be great friends.”
He sounded insane to me, so I had to be honest. “I think it would be agony for me to have to watch you move on, Peter. Don’t you get that? I’m supposed to be your friend, and watch you as you slowly stop being in love with me? Or worse, as you start falling in love with someone else?”
He paled. “You’re gonna find someone else too. There’s some guy or girl that’s going to be so lucky to have you.”
That could have been you! I wanted to scream. But I didn’t. “I don’t think so. I’m a little hard to deal with.” And I had nothing to offer.
“You’re amazing,” he told me. “Of course someone is going to love you.”
Why would he have told me all the things he said while breaking up, and then try to convince me someone would want to snatch me right up? Did he even hear himself? He knew I’d only ever seen myself with him, and that I had looked forward to the future we’d wanted to build together.
“I’m not really looking…”
Peter wasn’t focused on me when I glanced up, and I knew a look of guilt when I saw one. Silence on him had never been a good thing, but I knew what to ask this time. “What did you do?”
He made himself look up at me. “Nothing, I swear.”
Arms came around him, and I saw Kelly peek her head over at his side. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”
My stomach bottomed out, and I wanted to run and hide somewhere dark. No, I didn’t believe this. He wouldn’t have done that. I’d been wrong about a lot of stuff with Peter, but this would’ve been a step too far.
“Can we talk later, Kelly?” Peter asked. “Me and Clove need—”
“We don’t,” I said, holding a hand up. “We really don’t.”
I started walking away, unable to look at Peter’s face anymore. Instead, I would have liked to smash it with that hammer.
I got all the way to the end of the hall, ignoring Peter’s calling after me. He grabbed me by the arm, and made sure I couldn’t move anymore. When I stopped, he let go of me.
“Please listen,” he said.
I crossed my arms. “Yeah, sure. I bet you have a real great story you’re about to tell me.”
Peter wouldn’t look away from my eyes. “I swear to God, Clover, I never once cheated on you. Not a single time did I try. I loved you, and I do love you.”
“So you’re not dating Kelly again?”
He took too long to answer, and exhaled. “It happened after we broke up. I wasn’t planning on it, and she didn’t try anything while you and I were together.”
“How long?” I asked. “How long have you been together?”
Peter looked up. “A couple weeks.”
I made a weak sound, knowing that we’d been broken up for a month. He didn’t even wait. Didn’t take any time before he was over me enough to be with someone else. Did I matter at all to him? Was everything a total lie?
“A couple weeks? You were over me in a couple weeks?”
“It’s not like that,” Peter said. “I’m not over you. My feelings for you didn’t go away. They probably never will. You’re my best friend,” he said again. “I want you in my life.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said before I turned away. He didn’t get to throw me away, and then keep me on his terms.
My body trembled from rage as I pushed my way through the doors to the parking lot. Two damn weeks. I
didn’t understand it. How could he have told me he loved me, kissed me, held me, and made plans with me, and then two weeks later, been with someone else? Why wasn’t I enough to make him feel like he lost something?
As soon as I made it outside, the cold air hit my face like a slap. I realized with misery, that Peter really wouldn’t be in my life after this. This person who I’d sworn to be with for the rest of my days, would eventually be a stranger to me. A fucking stranger, when I knew him so well right now. My brain didn’t know how to accept that.
I had class in about fifteen minutes, so I couldn’t go home, as much as I wanted to. My parents wouldn’t have thought this was a good enough excuse to skip school and cry all day.
I left the front of the school, not wanting anyone to see me as tears fell down my cheeks. They didn’t need to witness me being pathetic, and hung up on someone who had moved on weeks ago. I didn’t realize it had been possible for me to feel like such trash, to be thrown aside with ease.
If he wanted Kelly, then he should have told me. I could have maintained some of my dignity, and not had to worry about how much of our relationship had been spent with him pining for another girl. How many times had he kissed me, and thought about her lips instead? Did he mourn the fact that it was me he built a future with, or did he never plan to stick around that long? I would never know.
“Clover?” someone called out behind me.
I turned to see Poe getting out of a plain blue car. He pulled his backpack out from the passenger’s seat, and I got to pretend I wasn’t balancing on the edge of a breakdown.
“Hey,” I said, faking a smile. “How are you?”
He approached, taking me in. “Better than you, I’m guessing. You look like you want to break something with a sledgehammer, and then start sobbing.”
I swallowed, and took a deep breath. “I won’t bring your day down by complaining.”
He crossed his arms. “Oh, don’t worry about it. Vent if you need to. Holding it in is how people become murderers.”