by Nicole Thorn
On a normal day, I would have kept my mouth shut, but I felt like I could have blown up at any moment, and sent little Clover chunks all over the cars in the parking lot. With clenched fists and a growl in my voice, I couldn’t shut up.
“My fucking asshole of an ex-boyfriend got a new girlfriend two weeks after he dumped me. Which was only a month ago, by the way. Two fucking weeks, and he went right back to the girl who dumped him, saying he had way too much baggage. All I ever did was make sure he felt supported and loved. I listened to him cry, and talked him down more times than I could ever count. Now he acts like that didn’t even matter. Which I guess it didn’t, since he would go back to someone who never comforted him. Why the fuck am I so expendable? I don’t get it. How could I be the most important person in his life, and then he’d be just fine without me?”
My chest pumped, and I felt like I could have punched a hole in a tree. Poe’s eyes widened on me, and even though I looked like I wanted to murder a person, he took a step forward, and opened his arms.
“What?” I asked.
“Do you want a hug?”
I huffed…and then started to sob. I hunched over, and I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Violent and painful tears fell, and I could hardly breathe. Poe put his arms around me, and patted my back.
“I’m sorry I’m an insane person,” I hacked, watching tears fall to the ground. One hit my shoe.
“It’s okay,” Poe promised. “You have the right to be crazy. Your ex sounds like an ass. I’m sorry he messed around on you.”
I looked up at Poe and sniffled. “He promised he didn’t cheat. It’s just that they dated before I came along, and I guess he wanted her. But what I don’t understand is why he wouldn’t have said anything before. Peter is always so honest. I mean, he told me why he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
Poe loosened his hold on me. “What did he say, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Sighing, I had to glance away. “He said he was happier without me around.”
“What?”
I nodded, and pulled back enough to wipe my eyes. “We spent all of our time together for more than a year. Neither of us had any other friends, but I didn’t care, and he said all he needed was me. Then I went away with my parents for a week. I missed him like crazy, but he wasn’t really texting me after the first couple days. I got home, and went to see him that day. Peter told me that he had been thinking, because we didn’t feel right to him anymore. He was always so sad, and broken, and I thought I made it better for him. But he looked me in the eyes, and said that he’d been better once I left. Without me around, it didn’t feel as heavy. Like I reminded him of hurting, because I hurt too. He said he was happier without me, and we couldn’t be together anymore.”
Poe took a moment, and then his eyes narrowed. “What a dick.”
“Huh?”
“There’s a right and a wrong way to break up with someone, and he didn’t have to say all that.”
I shook my head. “He’s really honest. He was only telling me the truth.”
“He could have said that he didn’t feel like it was working anymore, but he didn’t have to say he felt happy without you around. Did he want to send you to therapy for the rest of your life?”
I didn’t understand. The words had hurt me, but it had been my fault Peter wasn’t happy with me around. I wasn’t enough, and I didn’t have any right to be upset with him about it. Peter had never been mean to me, he just wanted me to know what he thought.
“It wasn’t like that,” I said. “He needed me to know.”
“He did not need you to know that. It was unnecessarily cruel of him. Jesus, did you have anyone to talk to after that?”
“No.”
Poe frowned. “I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.”
“It’s fine,” I lied. “He told me he still wants to be friends.”
“A lot of people do that when they’re breaking up with someone.”
I jabbed my thumb to the door. “No, I meant just now. He said I was his best friend, and he wanted me in his life.”
Poe looked at me as if I had started speaking Hebrew. “Okay, well I’m gonna pee on his car. Point me in the right direction.”
I actually laughed. “What?”
“You look miserable, and he deserves some pee on his car. I don’t have to go right now, but I’ll force it out if it’ll make you stop crying. Why? Do you not want me to do it?”
“I mean…a little. But no. Don’t do that.”
Poe grumbled. “Fine then, my pee stays inside of me for now. How about I buy you an ice cream instead? You still look miserable.”
I would remain looking miserable, so I couldn’t tell him it would have helped. “I really need to get to class.”
The boy frowned, but nodded. “I’ll walk you.”
Chapter Five: A Good Friend Lets You Hold the Bat
What a waste of a Saturday night, was what I would have been thinking…if I had ever been the kind of person not to waste a Saturday night. I had no right to be salty about being grounded, when I didn’t go anywhere anyway. And yet, I found myself angry at the walls for holding me in, and angrier at my parents for not understanding what had been going on with me.
The game of ceiling staring had gotten heated, but I took the lead by a billion. Turned out that ceilings didn’t play games because they were, well, ceilings.
I sat up, huffing to myself that I lost the ability to keep myself entertained. What the fuck is my problem? I was a functioning teenage girl, and I should have been fine. What did other people do on Saturdays? Hang out with their boyfriends maybe. Ugh, I didn’t want to think about him, and I didn’t want to think about the stupid wooden carvings that existed only ten feet from me. If I didn’t look, then they didn’t exist.
This didn’t do the job, and my brain would have eventually eaten itself if I stayed in one spot. I had to get out of the house, now. My parents watched TV upstairs, and the kids played in the living room. I knew that, because I could hear screaming from some game. That meant I could get away with this.
I rose, and looked around my room. I got the bottom level one, with the window that led right outside. I’d never used it to sneak out, or sneak anyone in, but there was a first time for everything.
I shut out my bedroom light, and turned on music so that my parents would have thought I’d gone to bed early. Not that they would have checked on me, but better safe than sorry.
Getting the window open and crawling out resulted in only a few scrapes from the bush outside, and then I had my freedom. I closed the window as best I could before I stared down the dark and empty road.
I happened to know of a party only a little ways away from here, and I felt like doing something I had never done before. I could stop by for a little while, see what all the fuss was about, then get something to eat. No problem.
My hands burrowed into my sweater as I tried to stay warm. At least it wasn’t raining or anything, but the wind chilled my skin everywhere it touched. I did not dress for a party, in ripped up pants, and a crazy old sweatshirt. Maybe it meant no one would look at me twice.
By the time I had gotten to the end of the block and turned the corner, I heard someone singing a song I’d never heard. It sounded like a boy, and it made me turn, and walk in the other direction. Another ten steps, and I found the source.
I stopped, and grinned when I saw Poe sitting, cross legged on the hood of a beat up car, knitting his heart away. I couldn’t tell what it his project would eventually be, so I looked extra hard as I approached.
“Poe!” I called. “What the hell are you doing?”
He looked up at me, smiling. “Oh, well I’m working on the car. Can you not tell?”
I rolled my eyes, and kept walking toward him. Assuming he lived here, he had one of the medium sized houses on the street. My parents could have afforded to live somewhere more extravagant, but they weren’t the types to overspend when they didn’t have to. Poe t
old me he only had one sibling, so this seemed like an appropriately sized place.
Poe hopped down from the car, and set his knitting on the hood. “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”
I turned, and pointed down the street. “I live over there. Have for a while. You?”
“Five years,” he answered. “I never see you around here. Do you stay locked in the house?”
Yes, because I’m a loser. “I’m a reader, so I stay hidden away.”
“Mysterious.” He waggled his eyebrows. “I like it. What are you doing out here? Are you planning on helping me fix the check engine light?” Poe jabbed his thumb in the direction of the old Corolla. “I was gonna, but I got distracted.”
I smiled. “I see that. You knit outside a lot?”
“Tons. It’s a bunch of fun.”
“I’m heading to a party, actually. I got grounded, and didn’t want to stay inside anymore.”
The boy looked pleased. “You don’t seem the kind to sneak out, but I like your shadiness. You like parties?”
I scoffed. “Not even a little bit, but I can’t keep spending all my time at McDonalds. They’ll have to roll me out of there like the blue girl from Willy Wonka.”
Poe started walking toward the backseat of his car, grabbing his knitting on the way. “Shame, I like those McFlurry things. Get in the car, Violet. I’m driving you to a party.”
I grinned, and hurried to the front seat.
While Poe put his knitting somewhere safe, I buckled up. Of course, his windshield wasn’t in great shape. The top corner had a long crack in it, about the size of my forearm. As Poe got in, I started fixing it for him.
“Neato,” he said, closing the door. “You saved me lot of money.”
“Then I guess we’re even on the ride to the party.”
Poe started the car, and pulled out of his driveway. “This is more than a ride. I wanna play too, and clearly someone needs to keep an eye on you, you little break out artist. Also, I would look like a huge loser if I was dancing all alone.”
The party wasn’t far, and I directed Poe on which way to drive. We arrived at a massive house a few blocks away, all tucked nicely between a bunch of trees. The boy throwing the party, also came from a metal worker family. That meant they were loaded beyond belief, and it showed. About twenty cars parked around the property, lined up as people went in and out of the house. Music boomed, and I already knew I didn’t want to go inside.
Once Poe and I got out of the car, he laced his arm with mine. “Ready?”
I was not. “Sure.”
He escorted me inside, around the people that bumped into each other. Already, I saw a ton of sloppy teenagers with red cups, all having a good time. I wasn’t one of these people, and I already felt like I didn’t belong.
Poe pulled me aside, to a little nook away from the main entrance. “You okay?” he asked over the music. “You look a little sick, and I haven’t even tried to ply you with booze yet.”
I swallowed. “I hate people. I should have mentioned that.”
Poe shrugged. “We can work around that. If you’re still bothered in twenty minutes, then I’ll take you for something to eat. We can sit in a quiet fast food place and play footsie.”
I groaned when someone shoulder checked me on their way past, and Poe snuggled my arm against his, assuring me we would be fine. I didn’t believe him, but I stayed by his side as he walked me over to the kitchen. We found a table full of snacks, and he dropped me like a hot potato when he saw the pigs in a blanket.
Poe gathered up a massive plate of food, and offered me a little sandwich looking thing. I ate it, and then six more while Poe grinned in amusement. He got me a soda, and we stood around, both lost on what normal people did during these gatherings.
“I think a lot of people make out,” Poe said. “Is seven minutes in heaven still a thing?”
“I don’t know. We can try and start a game of spin the bottle if you want.”
“Ooo, good idea.”
The two of us walked out of the kitchen while Poe happily stuffed his face. The house felt stuffed with people running around, having proper fun, like normal people. It looked so easy for them, letting loose and not worrying about looking like dumbasses as they stumbled around yelling.
Someone crashed into me, and all I could think was that I wanted to take a mason jar to their face. They didn’t make it better when they started screaming about a revolution. What did he want to revolt against? Being decent? I should have taken a lamp and rammed it down his—Oh a dog!
“Clover!” Poe yelled at me as I took off, a goal in mind.
I spotted it in the corner, on the couch. Through the mess of people, I saw a little mostly unoccupied area, and a little white floof. It was only when I got a little closer that I noticed it sat on someone’s lap. That didn’t make me not want to meet the dog. It looked little, and proud, and had a pink belly.
The dog growled at everyone around it, and the owner glared along with it. I didn’t know the girl’s name, but I had seen her at school before. She was in the same grade as Poe and I, but looked about fourteen. To match that, she appeared stick skinny, with dark blond hair tied up in pigtails. Her brown eyes stayed narrowed on whoever yelled the loudest.
“Oh a dog!” Poe said, coming up behind me, and cutting me off from the little mutt freak. “Lemme pet your dog,” he asked of the girl.
She looked up as the dog started growling at Poe. It let out a bark. “Calm your ass, Cujo. You’re not fooling anyone.”
Poe grabbed a pig in a blanket and held it up. “I can bribe her into loving me, if that’s okay.”
The girl snorted. “She would murder for you, just for the chance at half of that.”
It looked true, since Cujo’s black pit eyes went right to the food. Poe offered it up, and almost lost a finger. I learned then not to watch a dog eat, because it turned out to be terrifying to see her go to town on the little treat.
Cujo’s human aimed her eyes at me. “Do you have a sacrifice for our lord and savior?”
Poe held his plate to me, and I grabbed something small to give the dog. Once I did, she let us pet her. Though her eyes stayed focused on the plate of food, she seemed to enjoy her belly rubs.
“Cathy, by the way,” the girl told us. “I know you,” she added as she pointed to Poe. “We had gym together last year.”
“Poe,” my friend said. “And this is Clover. We don’t like parties, but wanted to get out of the house. What’s your excuse?”
She smiled, and pet her little dog. “My brother is throwing this stupid ass party. I’m here so that no one screws in my bed, and so that Cujo doesn’t become a murderer.”
“Fair enough,” I said. “Have you been sitting here the whole time?”
“Pretty much. It kind of sucks.”
It really does suck, I thought as I looked around the room again. So many people moved through the house, that I was surprised anyone could have even gotten through to anywhere. I didn’t see why it was worth it to even show up. They could have gotten drunk down at a lake if it meant that much to them.
It came like a sucker punch, when I was already trying to mend from the last seven. I wasn’t sure at first, but I knew that face anywhere. I saw Peter in the middle of the crowd, dancing to the kind of music I knew he hated. He spun Kelly around, and she stumbled to his chest. He laughed, she laughed, I wanted to puke. But no more so than when I saw him raise a beer bottle to his lips, and take a drink from it.
“What the fuck is this Twilight Zone shit!” I hissed, making Cujo bark at me.
Cathy blinked. “Are you referring to the man around the corner, putting coins in what seems to be a magic slots machine? Or maybe the dude with Gomez Addams, who crossed through the desert, claiming to be from the eighteen hundreds?”
I nodded to my ex. “I’m talking about that boy who I happen to know better than anyone in the world, doing a million things that he would never do.”
“Hate to break it to you, babe, but if he’s doing them, then maybe you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did.”
I winced, and Poe frowned as he explained. “They dated for a while, and he’s an asshole.”
I made a face. “Yeah, he and I were dating up until a month ago.”
Cathy cocked her head. “And he’s already dancing with some ho? I can beat him up if you want me to. I don’t mind. I actually like hitting people.”
An icky feeling bubbled up in me, and I didn’t know where to put it. I wanted to scream, and break things, and storm up to Peter for answers that I wasn’t actually sure I wanted. Happier without you. He must have thought I held him back from fun, and things he wanted to do.
“It doesn’t make sense,” I started. “He’s never drank before, a single day in his life. And Peter hates parties. He said he would have rather been stabbed in the face than have to be around people. Now…” I turned back to see him pressing his lips to Kelly’s temple. He used to do that with me…
“It’s not you,” Poe said. “Just because he’s doing different stuff than he used to, that’s not something you should take the blame for. He probably wants to distract himself from hurting.”
I scoffed. “I’m sure Kelly is a nice distraction.”
Cathy stood with Cujo, and the little corgi/Chihuahua/weird looking thing, aimed her eyes at the crowd, still growling as if they had offended her. She barked when someone opened the door, entering the house.
“Who are you trying to fool?” Cathy asked her.
Cujo licked her face.
Still pissy, my clenched fists locked at my sides. I didn’t want to look over and see Peter, but I kept doing it. He danced, and smiled, and I was still miserable. Why did he get to be happy when all I wanted to do was cry over him? Why didn’t he mourn the future we had planned together?
“You look like you wanna break something,” Cathy said.
“A little. But I already broke a car, and a back windshield this week. If I wasn’t a glass worker, I would probably already be in jail.”
Cathy grinned. “I have something I can do for you, but it comes at a price.”