Happier Without You

by Nicole Thorn

  Peter said nothing.

  I smiled, and I started to walk away. “I’m happier without you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five: So Happy Together

  I wanted it to be special, and it made me feel like an utter goofball when I went about it. I showed up at Poe’s doorstep, a bouquet of flowers, and a box of chocolates. I’d told him I wanted to do it right, and hell if I wasn’t gonna absolutely kill this chance I had. After everything, I needed a little bit of silly.

  I’d put on a little green dress, and did my hair up so that I looked as cute as I could have. Poe wouldn’t have minded ripped jeans and a hoodie, but again, I’d only get this shot once. So when he opened the door and smiled, it made me feel good.

  “A lady caller,” he said in a thick southern accent. As he leaned against the doorframe, he looked me up and down. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  I held out the candy and flowers, half bowing. “I would like to cordially invite you to be my fella. If you find it acceptable.”

  He opened up the box of chocolates, examining it. “It all depends on how many strawberry filled ones are in here…”

  “Three.”

  “My woman!” Poe declared, and then threw his arms around me, careful not to drop the candy. He kissed me chastely, and I smiled against him. “Is this for real? Like, are we official?”

  I moved my eyebrows suggestively. “We can seal it with a date if you’d like. Or more kissin’.”

  “Hmm…both.”

  “Okay,” I giggled, and he kissed me again.

  We walked into the house together, and a cute looking Malon ran up to see who had been at the door. She had her hair in pigtails, and a big smile on her face when she saw Poe’s flowers and candy.

  “Whoa,” she said. “Where did you get those?”

  “I brought them over,” I said, pulling a blue daisy out of the bunch. I handed it to Malon. “That’s for you, and this.” I got the little box of candy out of my pocket that I picked out special for her. The chocolates were all in the shape of hearts, with pink swirls that I thought she would have liked. “You should make sure your mommy and daddy say it’s okay before you eat them.”

  “Thank you!” Malon said, and she wrapped her arm around my hips.

  “Best actually tell Mom and Dad,” Poe warned. “You little sugar freak.”

  The girl beamed, and the whole room got lighter. She had so much life in her tiny body, and it filled me with joy that she could be so happy, when sadness touched everything around her.

  “I’m gonna…” Malon started, looking around her as she took a step back. Her bare foot hit the rug. “Go!” She turned, and bolted from us, with the box of candy.

  I frowned. “Is your mom going to kill me?”

  “Nah, don’t be silly. Fix the crack in the kitchen window, and she’ll be fine.”

  I snorted, but let him lead me in to the kitchen.

  We went up to his room after that, sitting on his bed and going through the chocolates I’d brought him. Turned out that most of them were edible, but a few happened to be disgusting, and I wanted them to be dropped in a volcano. I still ate them, sparing Poe as I told him about my afternoon.

  He glared at me, but it was meant for someone else. “We’re dating now,” he said to me, putting his hand on my lap. “I think it’s time.”

  I inhaled. Deeply. Then I opened my eyes. “You are my favorite person in the world, but I am not letting you piss on Peter’s car.”

  “Fuck! Give this to me!”

  I shook my head, laughing at him.

  He groaned, and threw his head back. “You’re cruel to me. You’ll have to make it up by buying me dinner.” I rolled my eyes, and he took another candy. “All peeing aside, are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said honestly. “I’m okay. I needed to do this. To decide that I’m going to let it all go, because it’s only hurting me. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I can’t handle it.”

  Poe’s fingers curled on my lap. “I’m happy for you, Clover.”

  “I’m happy for me too.”

  It was decided that it couldn’t be a party without Cathy there, so a call had been made. She wanted us all to meet up, and have a little gathering at her house. She promised it wouldn’t be a party, and that was the only thing that got me to agree. Cathy assured Poe and I that she would provide food and entertainment to our hearts’ desire. Who could have said no to that?

  “Can we swing by my house real quick?” I asked Poe as we walked down his driveway. “I want to pick something up.”

  “No problem.”

  Poe drove me over to my house, but I told him I could run inside alone. My brother and sister ran around in the living room, making enough noise that Dad wouldn’t have heard me coming into the house. I slipped into my room, and stared at the little figures on my dresser.

  I grabbed a box, and pushed them all inside. In went the carvings, the pictures, and anything else from Peter’s and my time together. I wanted it gone, because I didn’t need the reminder of who I used to let myself be. Someone who allowed a person to treat her like less than, and believed it to be from a place of love and not fear. I wanted to erase this.

  Once I had everything I needed, I met Poe back in his car. He saw what I had in the bag, but didn’t ask about it. I got a kiss, and then he started for Cathy’s place.

  When we arrived, I heard Cathy screaming on the other side of the door after we rang the bell. “You bitches better let me answer it!” Something slammed into it, and Cathy groaned. I could only assume she didn’t stop in time.

  She ripped the door opened, and grinned at us as the dogs barked in the background. “Yay!” Cathy yelled, and then jumped us for a double hug. “I’m glad you crazy kids worked it out. Come, I have a celebration planned.”

  We found Ana and Jamie in the kitchen, gathering snacks up from the cupboards. They both looked up at us as we entered the room, and Jamie hurried to pick up a cake from the counter. The two met us in the middle.

  “Congrats!” Jamie said. “Little sis told us the good news and we wanted to celebrate properly.”

  In edible purple glitter, the cake read ‘Happy Bangin’.

  “We aren’t banging,” I said flatly.

  “You will eventually,” Cathy remarked. “And we kind of just wanted cake, so suck it up. We’re gonna have a lil dinner party.”

  Jamie nodded to the box I held, finally noticing. “What’s that stuff?”

  I looked down at the memories I held in my hands. All the things that made up my former relationship. “Shit I have to get rid of. Things Peter gave me.”

  Ana gasped, her eyes lighting up. “Oh, we should burn it. I like fire.”

  Jamie patted her head. “And I like you, you delicious little pyro.”

  The girl put her hands under her chin, and smiled big for her boyfriend.

  We went to the counter, and I set my box down to help with the preparations. They decided that we’d have our very own little party, and it didn’t even give me anxiety. While Poe and Jamie got the barbeque ready, the rest of us set up a snack table in the backyard. Cathy and Jamie had a sizable backyard, complete with a pool and lights, and all the things bored rich people wanted in their houses. Cathy said they never even used the area, but her mom had been insistent on how it was set up.

  “I think it’s a bit much,” Cathy said as we picked at the chips. “But Mom likes showing it off on the rare occasions we have fancy company.”

  “On other occasions,” Ana said. “It makes for good midnight swims.”

  “Eh.”

  I joined Poe and Jamie at the grill as they finished with the plethora of meats that Jamie had insisted upon. He had more than enough food for another ten people, but I didn’t point that out.

  “Hello, my love,” Poe said when I approached. He put his arm around my shoulder. “Are you looking forward to meat? I find that meat makes everything better.”

  “Better?” Jamie asked. “You guys just got togeth
er. What needs to be better?”

  Poe answered for me. “Peter decided to take one more shot at her.”

  Cathy appeared out of nowhere, her game face on. “What? You didn’t tell me that part. What did the little bitch say?”

  My tummy rumbled, and I figured this story would have been told best if I had some burgers in me. We all sat down with our food, and I explained the conversation that went down that day. It wasn’t painful, like I thought it would have been. Given my history, it should have felt like a bullet wound to the stomach. Instead, I stated it like I told my friends about a TV show plotline. Peter had hurt me so badly, that the pain went away. Like a dying person in their final seconds, all I had was peace.

  Cathy however… “I’ll fucking slit his throat. That jackass. What kind of a monster does that kind of thing to someone they loved? I’m so, so sorry. You want me to pee on his car?”

  I laughed so hard it made me snort. “Poe already asked.”

  We all looked to my pouting boyfriend. “Yeah, she’s a meanie who said no.”

  Ana took a drink from her glass, and set it down as she contemplated. “I didn’t realize how much of a dick Peter was. You should have told me sooner. I have a big brother who can kick his ass for you.”

  Jamie scoffed. “Excuse me, but I am your boyfriend. You want someone beat up, you call me.”

  I waved my hands, hushing them. “It’s over and done. I’ve decided that I’m going to close the book on this, and try to never think about him again.”

  “Atta girl,” Poe said, raising his glass. “To…new beginnings or whatever.”

  “To telling dicks to screw off,” Cathy added.

  “To cake,” Jamie corrected.

  Ana put her hand on my shoulder. “To setting all that shit on fire.”

  I agreed. “To setting all that shit on fire.”

  Once we finished with dinner, I held the box in my hands while Cathy started the fire. I imagined it all burning, with every memory going up with it. I wished I could have looked on them fondly, but they’d been stained. I’d rather it all evaporate.

  “Start it up, baby,” Cathy said, gleefully holding a bottle of lighter fluid. She’d sprayed a lot already, and it convinced me I’d lose my eyebrows.

  I picked up a wooden elephant that Peter gave me on my birthday. I’d been so happy to get something, when I had thought he forgot the day altogether. We went out to get a burger, and then watched a movie.

  I tossed the thing in the fire, and Cathy sprayed more fluid. Everyone cheered when it went up in flames, and I tossed another one in. Then I started adding pictures, a stuffed animal he gave me, and another figure.

  I held the box out in everyone’s reach. “Let’s all take a turn.”

  “You sure?” Poe asked me.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I want to do this with my friends.”

  They agreed, and each threw an item into the fire. Cathy pushed our luck on the lighter fluid, and we all yelled when a fire ball rose up. Poe pulled me out of the way before I could end up like the Phantom of the Opera, thankfully. Cathy laughed, and Jamie took away her toy.

  “You gotta cool it, sis,” he said.

  She glowered at him. “Rude.”

  I stared at the last few things in the box, and held them over the fire for a moment. How freeing it felt to know that I’d walk into my room later, and not see them. I would get to look around, and not be reminded of the pain, and loss, and humiliation. I’d have a place of my own.

  I dropped the last of it into the flames, and watched it all burn to ashes.

  We went back to our seats, and my eyes didn’t want to leave the fire. It felt strange, thinking about the days I’d gotten those items. I didn’t feel like that had been me. Someone else. Someone who looked like me, and sounded like me. Someone smaller, and too willing to take whatever came along, because I didn’t think I deserved any better. So I looked around at my friends, smiling and cheering at the mess. It made me feel safe, and wanted to be surrounded by these people, after being sure for so long, that I was hard to care for. Too much to handle, and not enough. Maybe one day, I would feel like I deserved the love I had. Maybe one day, I wouldn’t feel so shattered.

  Cathy stood up, putting her hands on her hips as she beamed at our little party. “Well now that I’m all giddy, who wants cake?”

  Chapter Twenty-Six: You’re Gonna Have to Try Harder Than That

  “All I’m saying is that I could hit him with a car, and be done with it,” Cathy said as we walked through the school parking lot. “And I wouldn’t mind taking a crack at your parents either.”

  “Why?”

  Poe made a sad face. “Are you seriously asking why someone would want to hit your parents with a car? We can start with how little they cared that you were punched.”

  I wrinkled my nose, wishing I could have avoided the subject. “They cared. I think that they assume I invited it on myself.”

  Cathy stopped, and put a hand in front of me so that I would as well. “Okay, let me tell you some things. It doesn’t matter if you went up to the guy and literally begged him. Your mom and dad should have marched down to that school, and blew shit up until you got justice.”

  I looked to Poe for help he didn’t give. “Your parents decided you’re a basket case, so they don’t take anything you do or say seriously. It’s fucked up, and they’re too distracted with your brother and sister to see that you should have been better cared for. I don’t like them.”

  “I can tell,” I said with a smile.

  He did not smile back. “You deserve better than that.”

  My parents had been like this for as long as I remembered, and I didn’t take it personally. They had other things to worry about than their grown up daughter. How could I have held that against them?

  “Come on,” Cathy said, tugging my sleeve. “We have leftover cake at my place and I wanna eat it before Jamie steals the rest.”

  Thankfully, the conversation ended there. We took Cathy’s car, since she picked us both up that morning. We didn’t have official plans, but our days never really did. I assumed what would happen was, when Cathy looked away, I would steal kisses from my shiny new boyfriend. Cathy mostly whistled at us when she caught the two of us kissing.

  Poe got forced into the backseat on our way to the Dairy Queen drive thru, so that meant he leaned forward to play with my hair. I scolded him for the danger he put himself in, but he didn’t care for my warning.

  “You can pull the glass from my flesh should we crash,” Poe said. “So we’re all good.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Don’t die before we get to sleep together. I would be really mad if I died a virgin.”

  “Don’t be insane,” Cathy said. “I’ll fuck you if he dies.”

  “Aww, thanks.”

  We went through the ice cream place quickly, because Cathy wanted to be back home with Cujo. I got an Oreo overload mess that had caramel added in, because who needed teeth? Poe went for a cone, and Cathy dared to eat a carton of fries as she drove, refusing to let me feed them to her.

  “We’re not there yet,” she said. “Poe would get jealous.”

  “So true,” he agreed. “I love fries.”

  Cathy couldn’t get to the door fast enough when we got home, and it appeared that her brother hadn’t shown up yet. He probably had something planned with Ana and her friends, or they wanted to make us think we were safe, only to try and scare us. Cathy told me Jamie had a thing for making people flail.

  We headed up to her room when we heard Cujo barking her head off. Cathy hurried ahead of us, bolting up the stairs as she said, “Why the hell isn’t she coming for me?”

  Poe and I fell two steps behind her, until we reached the hallway. Cujo sat there, barking in front of Cathy’s room. She ran forward when she saw her mama, but didn’t stop barking.

  Cathy crouched down to get her. “What’s wrong? Why are you so mad?”

  When the dog didn’t answer, Cathy turned to Poe. “Can you
hold her while I open the door she won’t stop staring at?”

  “No,” Poe said, taking a step forward. “But you guys can stay back while I check it out myself.”

  I grabbed his arm, keeping him still. “If some murderer is in there, then you’ll be in danger. You’re not going alone.”

  He smiled, and patted my hand. “I work muscle. I can take care of myself.”

  My eyes narrowed. “And I work glass, so I can break a window and shred them to pieces.”

  Cathy sighed. “Fucking cloth…”

  Poe took a deep breath before nodding at me. “Fine, you can go with me, but if I shove you back for your own protection, you better listen.”

  “As if.”

  We walked together, pausing when we got to the door. Poe hesitated for only a moment before he turned the knob, and pushed it open. It took me more than a moment to realize what I saw.

  Red. Red everywhere, like I had never seen before. It pooled on the carpet, making puddles of a dark, deep red in chunky messes. It had been poured onto Cathy’s bed, standing out violently against her once white comforter. Her pillows had handprints, and I saw the wall behind it. A massive smiley face, with the liquid running down the lines drawn. It bled down the wallpaper, ruining the picture. No matter, because I spotted another wall with art.

  I stared, counting the smiles painted on the wall to my left. I lost my place after a few dozen mismatched in size smiles. They didn’t line up of course, but that wasn’t where my focus went. It had to have taken an hour to do this, or more. The rusty smell in the air, warned me as to what this liquid might have been. I did not want to believe it, but I knew what blood smelled like. I couldn’t deny the facts.

  “Oh my god,” Cathy said as she walked up behind us. “What the fuck is this…”

  I swallowed, looking down at my feet. I stood in a puddle, and my shoes didn’t escape the blood. It soaked into the edges of the fabric as my stomach roiled. “Three guesses.”