After considering everything through four seconds of awkward silence, James shuddered and uttered a single word.
‘EWW!’
‘What do you mean, EWW?’ Bethany raged, as she threw one of Bruce’s pillows at James’ head. ‘Haven’t you heard of knocking? Piss off out of here.’
‘Haven’t you heard of turning the key?’ James shouted back.
Bruce’s head popped around the door of his bathroom. He looked guilty, but also grinned like a cat that just drank a big jug of cream.
‘You brought that comparative faith answer sheet I asked for?’ Bruce asked.
James raised a badly crumpled exercise book as Bruce stepped from his bathroom dressed in a green robe with a shamrock and Ireland written across the back.
‘Tasteful dressing gown,’ James grinned.
Bethany snorted with contempt. ‘Bruce, why are you copying James’ two-year-old religion homework? He’s retarded, unless it’s got maths in it.’
‘We’re both fairly useless,’ Bruce explained. ‘If I copy someone smart, people start asking questions. The trick is to always copy someone who’s at least as rubbish at a subject as you are.’
At this point Bethany lost her temper. ‘Bruce, I’m practically naked. Can’t you please tell that moron to get the hell out of here?’
‘Wouldn’t want to outstay my welcome,’ James smirked, but he was desperate to find a way to annoy Bethany some more before he left. ‘She’s probably crawling with lice.’
‘Screw you,’ Bethany stormed, charging towards James, holding the duvet up with one hand while shoving him back towards the door. The door slammed and James heard Bethany laying into Bruce as he walked down the corridor.
‘Defend me then why don’t you? Are you just gonna let that pig speak to me like that?’
As James headed back to his own room he worried that Bruce going out with a girl he couldn’t stand would wreck their friendship. He sat on his bed and grabbed his laptop to check some Nikes he wanted to buy online, but Bruce arrived before he’d even found the bookmark with the web address.
He’d dressed hastily in baggy jeans and a black CHERUB shirt. James closed his laptop, raised an eyebrow and laughed.
‘Cradle snatcher!’ James blurted. ‘She’s barely out of nappies.’
‘Seriously James,’ Bruce said nervously. ‘A few people know we’re going out, but you can’t tell anyone you caught Bethany in my room with no kit on.’
‘You reckon?’ James laughed. ‘How’d you get off with her anyway? I can’t even remember you talking to her before.’
‘We did a mission after Christmas. Just a three-week thing infiltrating a bunch of drug dealers. But it was January. We stayed in a flat together and the central heating was rubbish. Lots of cold nights and dark winter mornings. Hot cocoa, long cuddles. One thing led to another.’
‘So what I saw wasn’t just the result of heavy petting? You’re actually shagging Bethany, right?’
‘Yeah,’ Bruce said defensively. ‘But I wasn’t even her first and you can’t deny she’s got a cracking little body.’
‘Cracking little fourteen-year-old body,’ James emphasised. ‘You better be careful. If the staff find out you’re having under-age sex, you’ll both be kicked out.’
‘That’s why we’re being so careful.’
‘No, div head,’ James grinned. ‘Careful is when you remember to turn the key in the lock.’
‘I was starting to feel like the last virgin on campus, anyway,’ Bruce said. ‘Everyone seemed to be at it except me. And she can’t get pregnant; they’ve put her on the pill to regulate her heavy periods.’
James jammed his fingers in his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. ‘Let’s talk about something else.’
‘Bethany says Lauren won’t admit to anything, but one time she walked in on her and Rat and they’d both just showered and they both turned bright red when she asked what they’d been up to.’
‘Shut up,’ James begged. ‘From now on, the only sex life I’m interested in is my own.’
‘You were the one who told me to change the subject,’ Bruce grinned.
‘I meant away from girls entirely,’ James said. ‘And Bethany’s just saying that about Lauren to justify herself. You can believe me, Rat’s not getting any action.’
‘We’re getting new carpet out in the hallway,’ Bruce said. ‘Carpet is always a good unsexy topic of conversation.’
‘I remember the good old days when we were all innocent and someone getting a snog would be the scandal of the week,’ James said, half seriously. ‘When did we all grow up? Another five years and we’ll be getting married and buying lawn mowers out of the Argos catalogue.’
‘Hark at you, going on about the good old days,’ Bruce said, smiling. ‘But let’s face it, we were smaller, dumber and useless with girls. I’m glad I’m growing up. Childhood sucks.’
James rubbed his palms down his face and yawned. ‘Yeah, I’m turning into a nostalgic old fart. But look at the big hairy lout I’ve turned into. Do you remember the feeling when you first passed basic training? You felt like you were the bee’s knees. Then you had your first mission. You didn’t really have a clue what you were supposed to be doing, you were half scared to death, but everything was new and insanely exciting.’
Bruce nodded in agreement. ‘I know what you mean. Like, when I see Kevin and Jake and those little kids running up and down the corridors. It seems like it’s a million years since we were like that.’
‘Oh well,’ James said, ‘at least we’ve got the wedding tomorrow.’
Bruce looked mystified. ‘Well whoop-de-do. An hour sitting in the chapel listening to some vicar.’
‘Yeah, well that bit’s gonna be shit, obviously. But loads of old faces are coming in. Kyle’s gonna be here.’
‘Dana said she might come,’ Bruce grinned.
‘Oh Christ, I hope not,’ James grimaced. ‘But campus is big enough to steer clear of her. I’m gonna eat like a pig, drink as much booze as I can get my hands on and party until I fall flat on my face.’
‘You’re a classy guy,’ Bruce smiled.
6. CEREMONY
This was the first wedding in James’ five years living on CHERUB campus. The only people allowed into campus were current or former staff and agents. Wives, girlfriends, university mates and work colleagues couldn’t be invited, so campus weddings were almost always between two retired cherubs who now lived and worked on campus.
Chloe Blake was a twenty-eight-year-old mission controller who’d worked with James on a number of missions. Husband-to-be Isaac Cole was four years older. After leaving CHERUB, Isaac had a brief career as a professional rugby player before training as a child psychologist and returning to CHERUB to work as a carer in the junior block. His speciality was helping some of the youngest kids deal with their pasts and adapt to new lives on campus.
James had managed a few short visits to campus during the second phase of his Brigands mission, but he’d missed most of the pre-wedding build-up and hadn’t appreciated what a huge deal it was for most of the girls on campus.
The ceremony wasn’t until noon, but James was woken at seven by two recently qualified grey shirts. Dressed in night clothes, the girls were screaming in the hall outside his door and calling each other slags.
‘What are you playing at?’ James asked drowsily, as he stood in his doorway. ‘People are trying to sleep, you know?’
‘Bog off, Vanessa,’ a short blond girl shouted, completely ignoring James. ‘I asked Kevin first.’
‘Oh that’s such a lie, Rhiannon,’ an Asian girl shouted back. ‘You hardly even spoke to Kevin until I did that art project with him. He’s my friend. Just because you started trying to get off with him two nights ago.’
James was half asleep, but worked out that the girls were fighting over Kevin Sumner, who lived in the room directly across the hall.
‘Girls, girls,’ James said firmly, but they ignored him again.
&nbs
p; ‘Take Ronan, he fancies you.’
‘Ronan’s gross,’ Vanessa shouted. ‘You take him.’
‘I’ll knock and ask Kevin who he wants to go with,’ Rhiannon yelled. ‘I bet a million pounds that it’s not you and your stupid hamster cheeks.’
‘Hamster cheeks! You can talk, you flat-faced tramp.’
Vanessa lunged forward to knock on Kevin’s door, but Rhiannon shoved her back. At this point, normal twelve-year-old girls might have had a bit of a cat fight, but these were qualified CHERUB agents so what followed was a series of rapid-fire martial arts moves. The bout ended with Vanessa holding Rhiannon in a headlock, while Rhiannon was painfully bending back Vanessa’s fingers.
‘Pack it in,’ James shouted. ‘Now.’
Sick of being ignored, James barged forward, shoving both girls hard against Kevin’s door. He then grabbed Vanessa’s arm. After freeing Rhiannon from the headlock he ripped the girls apart and held them at arm’s length. By this time, there were heads poking from doors all along the corridor, including Kerry two doors down.
‘James, leave those girls alone,’ Kerry shouted.
‘Me!’ James gasped. ‘I’m just trying to stop them from killing each other.’
The prize the girls sought was also awake by this stage. Kevin stood in his doorway looking mystified. He didn’t look much of a catch, dressed in one sock, a pair of Spiderman pyjama bottoms that were way too small and a ripped grey CHERUB T-shirt with half of last night’s dinner down it.
‘Kevin, tell Vanessa that you said you’re going to the wedding with me,’ Rhiannon demanded.
‘Did I?’ Kevin asked. ‘Oh, well I guess I did.’
‘Bull,’ Vanessa shouted. ‘You said in art class that you were going with me.’
Kevin looked confused. ‘You asked if I was going to the wedding. So I said, yeah if you wanted me to.’
Both girls looked flabbergasted. ‘But you can’t go with both of us!’ Vanessa said.
Kevin scratched his neck. ‘I just thought you were asking if I was gonna be there. I thought we were, but actually, most of us lads reckon it’ll be boring. I’ll probably go to the pool with Jake and them, and swing by for the flash meal and the party this evening.’
‘But Siobhan said Jake’s going to the wedding with her,’ Vanessa said.
Kevin laughed. ‘Yeah, Jake’s really gonna sit through a wedding with Siobhan. He can’t stand her. I’d bet my last quid he only said that to wind her up. It was Jake’s idea that we all went to the swimming pool while everyone else was at the wedding.’
Vanessa and Rhiannon exchanged shocked glances. ‘So none of you lot are going?’
Kevin managed to laugh. ‘Not if we can help it. Who wants to dress up and sit through some boring church service?’
There was a sharp crack as Rhiannon slapped Kevin across the cheek.
‘What was that for?’ Kevin shouted indignantly.
He didn’t get an answer, but he did get an identical slap from Vanessa.
‘You’re a total pig,’ Vanessa hissed. ‘And you’d better warn Jake to be on the lookout. When Siobhan hears that he’s going swimming she’s gonna beat the crap out of him.’
‘Let’s ditch this immature loser,’ Rhiannon told Vanessa.
As the two girls walked down the corridor, apparently on the best of terms, Kevin rubbed the red welt on his cheek and looked up at James.
‘Have you got any idea what just happened?’ Kevin asked.
‘Women are insane,’ James explained. ‘Don’t even try to comprehend what’s going on in their heads.’
*
Now that James was seventeen he had a real driver’s licence and was allowed to use the campus pool cars when he wanted to go out. A condition of using the cars was that James had to take on some duties shuttling younger cherubs around when they wanted to go out bowling, or to the shops or whatever.
This was usually a drag, but he was happy to join a mini convoy of Volkswagen people carriers making the short ride out to the station to pick up guests arriving for the wedding. James’ first pickup was a bunch of retired CHERUB agents from Isaac and Chloe’s day and he didn’t know any of them. The train an hour later brought another two dozen wedding guests, including some of James’ old friends.
He knew that his best friend Kyle was on the train, but was astonished when he saw the long blond hair and tanned body of Amy Collins. Amy had been James’ mentor when he’d first arrived on CHERUB campus and he hadn’t seen her for nearly three years.
‘Holy shit!’ James shouted, ignoring Kyle and pulling Amy into a huge hug. Amy’s older brother John stepped out behind her.
‘Quite the hunk!’ Amy giggled, as she stepped back and looked James up and down. ‘Bit different from the chubby little brat that arrived on campus five years ago. I’d go as far as to say you’re a catch, but the real question is, are you man enough to take me down?’
Amy launched a fairly genteel Karate kick. James dodged it easily enough, but in doing so clattered into a plastic dustbin and skinned his elbow. Kyle, Amy and John cracked up laughing as James grabbed his wound.
‘Bastard arm,’ he shouted. ‘Jesus.’
‘Sluggish response, low situational awareness,’ Amy teased. ‘Looks like you’re still my bitch.’
‘I didn’t even know you were in the country,’ James said, smiling through gritted teeth.
Amy’s brother John explained. ‘Chloe Blake and I go back a long way. We did basic training and a couple of missions together. We’ve always kept in touch and it seemed like a good excuse to get on an aeroplane.’
‘And how’s your diving-school business going?’ James asked, as they began walking towards the car park.
‘So-so,’ John said, with a shrug. ‘I get lots of work with the Japanese because I speak the language, but there’s brutal competition. It’s hard to make it pay.’
‘I’m working in Brisbane now I’ve finished university,’ Amy said. ‘I mostly do translation and close protection work.’
‘What kind of thing?’ James asked.
‘Oh all sorts,’ Amy explained. ‘Visiting business people. Pop stars doing Brisbane concerts, sports teams. It’s not very exciting but plenty of people will pay lots of money to have a young female bodyguard.’
‘Have either of you ever thought of coming back to work on campus?’ Kyle asked.
‘Too damned cold,’ Amy said, rubbing her arms and shivering at the prospect. ‘I love the hot weather. We’ve got a nice place by the beach, good clubs and restaurants nearby, surfing on the weekend. I can’t see myself trudging through the mud on campus in the middle of January.’
‘I’m thinking of going somewhere sunny when I leave campus,’ James said. ‘With my maths, I might be able to get a scholarship to a university in the States. California or Florida maybe.’
‘Where does that leave Kerry?’ Kyle asked.
James shrugged awkwardly. ‘It’s tricky. Kerry’s a year younger than me. But American university courses are modular, so I can do one year, then drop out for a year and go travelling with Kerry.’
‘And Kerry likes the idea of going to America?’ Amy asked.
James nodded.
‘If they’re still together,’ Kyle smirked. ‘How many break-ups is it now? Five or six?’
James raised his hands. ‘Don’t talk like that! It’s different this time. We’re more mature. We’ve both had other partners and stuff. But we’ve come full circle and realised we’re best off with each other.’
By this time they’d reached the station car park. James blipped the key fob to open the doors of the big Volkswagen and John loaded bags in the back. Two more people carriers, plus a Mercedes 4x4 were also taking wedding guests back to campus.
‘I’m really looking forward to this,’ Amy said enthusiastically. ‘Seeing all the old faces. Are there any new buildings or other changes on campus?’
‘There’s a library which is pretty cool,’ James said. ‘And they’ve refurbished t
he old gym.’
‘And they’ve finally got everything working properly in the mission control building,’ Kyle said.
‘Nah,’ James smirked. ‘The iris recognition system’s all gone wrong again and the roof leaks like a bugger.’
James fired up the engine and dropped the handbrake, but as he started backing out of the parking bay a man tapped urgently on the window beside him.
‘Room for one more?’ Norman Large grinned.
The disgraced training instructor appeared to have lost a lot of hair, but had compensated by growing his moustache into an enormous object that resembled a squirrel’s tail.
‘Ahh shit,’ Kyle said. ‘Who invited that wanker?’
James was tempted to drive off, but he’d been charged with picking up guests from the station and might have his driving privileges revoked if he mucked around.
Nobody liked Large and this fact hung in the air like a dog fart as James started the twenty-minute drive towards campus.
It was Kyle who finally broke the silence. ‘So what does a retired CHERUB instructor do with himself?’
‘Security work,’ Mr Large revealed.
‘Right,’ Amy smiled. ‘I do something similar myself out in Brisbane. What is it, politicians, celebs, that sort of thing?’
‘Asda,’ Large said sheepishly. ‘It’s not glamorous, but it’s easy work, regular hours.’
James couldn’t help laughing. ‘And woe betide any kid pilfering sweeties from your branch.’
7. CLOTHES
By 11.25 excitement had turned to hysteria. James stood by his bedroom window dressed in black trainers, black tracksuit bottoms and a white polo shirt. He looked down at the girls milling about on the path between the chapel and the main building. It was a fine day and they all wore their sparkliest shoes and party dresses, a stark contrast with the combat trousers and boots girls usually wore around campus.
Kerry’s room was jammed with barefoot girls who’d been almost ready for the best part of an hour: Gabrielle, Amy, Lauren, Bethany and at least three others. Deodorant hung in the air and there was a racket coming out of the bathroom as girls did their make-up in the mirror. Rat, Bruce, Andy Lagan and Dante Welsh all squatted on Kerry’s sofa, looking rather smart in jackets and ties.
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