I got up and headed to the river to rinse my plate, when I returned I placed it close to the fire. I looked at Kennan and noticed that he was staring at me, a thousand emotions dancing in his eyes like the flames they reflected. I sighed, steeling my resolve. I wasn’t going to try and mend whatever bridge seemed to have burned between us. To my knowledge, I had done nothing to deserve his change.
“Good night, Kennan," I said, as the tears threatened to break through. My resolve did nothing to soften the blow of the loss.
“Good night," I heard him mutter.
I headed to my sleeping back and curled up. I prayed that sleep would come quickly, that at least there I would find some shelter from the storm of my life. For once, my prayers were granted.
**********
THIRTEEN
The next morning, I rose with the sun. I oriented myself quickly before gathering clothes for the day. I spared a glance toward Kennan to be sure he was still asleep before heading over to the river. I bent over the water and splashed my face with the frigid water, effectively chasing away any remnants of sleep that might’ve still clung to me. I pulled my clothes off from the night before, replacing them just as quickly with the ones I’d taken from my pack. My flesh rose wherever the cool air kissed it. Once I was completely changed, I headed back to my sleeping bag. I glanced over to where Kennan was sleeping moments before. He was sitting with his head buried in his hands as though he was trying to shake something out of his vision. Suddenly, he stood and looked over at me.
“You need to change in your sleeping bag from now on," he said gruffly before turning back to his stuff to finish packing.
“Well, I thought you were asleep. I’m so terribly sorry if you saw something that offended your delicate sensibilities," I said snippily. I refused to be cowed by a man that’d barely spared me twenty words the previous day.
I began shoving my stuff back in my bag, fueled by my temper and the need to start moving forward. I found a stash of protein bars and other snacks in a pocket that I hadn’t noticed the day before. After getting my stuff put away I grabbed a bag of granola out and started munching while I plotted the rest of the trek. I looked at the river and noticed that I was going to link up with the Hoh River trail at some point. That trail would lead me out of the back country to a Resort. Well, there was no time like the present.
I got up and started heading westward keeping to the river. I never glanced back to see if Kennan followed. I was starting to feel like a fall in the river, mixed with a swift drowning, would be preferable to my current situation. I was fed up with the drama and heartache the past few days had thrown my way. In a rare fit of pique, I allowed my anger to fuel me. Tired of the loss of control, I headed out into the forest without a thought to my safety. Reckless abandon was quite freeing, it turned out.
A mile or so later, I realized there was a reason people hadn’t taken up rage hiking as a hobby. My anger had caused me to end up in a rather precarious position. I was faced with either climbing up what might be a cliff face, or wading through the frigid water to make my way around the bend. Had I taken the time to look at the map more often, and perhaps let a more level-headed detached person help me, I might not be in this predicament.
I refused to back track the half mile. My feet were in serious pain and I knew I didn’t have much left in me. I decided that up would be my best bet. Half way up, I lost my footing, and began to slide down.
I felt myself slipping away and suddenly realized all of my bluster from earlier was for the birds. Turns out, I still wanted to live quite a lot. I yelled out scrambling to grab a hold of anything that might slow my fall. Kennan caught me just as my panic came to a fever pitch.
He helped me find a foothold once more, and we continued up the incline with him close behind. My breath hitched in my throat, and by the time we made it to the top of the hill I was a hot mess. I was unsure what kind of bad karma I was toting around that had caused me to lose everyone that had ever mattered to me. I was angered by the loss and even more so by the loss of the last person that mattered, Kennan. He had saved me, but there was a complete lack of warmth between us where our friendship once lived.
I allowed the tears to fall, mourning the loss, while simultaneously purging the anger that had fueled the entire morning. I stopped to wipe my eyes, the tears making it impossible to discern the path.
I began to walk again as I felt a tug at my elbow and Kennan pulled me into his arms. I pushed against him, refusing to be comforted by someone that was suddenly so changeable. I breathed out slowly to try and keep the shudder from my voice.
“Please let go. Just don’t. I don’t know what I did, and honestly I don’t want to know at this point. I just want to get through this, figure out how to bring all of the bad guys down, and then go back to living a quiet life. One that you don’t have to be a part of. I’ve lost everyone that matters, and now even you’re gone. I don’t know what changed, but if we’re going to get through this, you have to stop switching on me. Just be this way or be my friend. Either way, I just can’t handle the yoyo routine you’re pulling on me." Deflated with my emotional leakage I tried to step away from him.
“Izzy,” he began, “I…”
“Don’t. I don’t want an explanation. I just need help to get through this. If you can do that, then please do it with at least a little civility."
“Damn it woman, let me finish. I don’t know how to do this, okay? I don’t know how to be what you want me to be and keep my promise at the same time," he said as if his words should make sense to me.
“All I want is to have my friend back. I don’t understand why you can’t be that guy and my Guardian. You kept me safe in Chicago for two years." Frustration poured off of me in waves. I tried to edge away from him once more. Instead I was pulled back into his embrace.
“Honestly, I don’t know that I did such a great job in Chicago. You almost got caught. Had I not been there that day at the museum, I shudder to think what might have happened. I promised your dad that I would keep you safe. He was once the only person that mattered to me. If I fail in protecting his daughter, then I will have failed him. I can’t live with that. So, for now I need to be distant and objective. I need to know that you can survive without me." He released me and walked forward leaving me numb.
Alright, distance and no friendship. This was just going to be a barrel of laughs. Not that saving the world and taking down evil corporations should be fun, but the heroine should at least have some perks. Maybe a bat cave, or some shiny weapons. Instead I got the Olympic Wilderness and a bipolar sensei. I would have to make the best of it, just like my mom taught me.
We continued the day’s hike with small talk every now and again. We passed most of the time by discussing the surrounding wilderness and things that it contained that would help my escape. As we exited the backcountry, the sun was beginning to set once more. Once we reached the lodge, Kennan pulled some keys out of his pocket. He walked up to a vehicle parked in the darkest corner of the lot and got in. I followed, hoping that we weren’t stealing some unsuspecting tourists only means of mobility.
We traveled south on 101 for a while before turning off on a familiar gravel road. He parked the car where the SUV was resting. I finally asked about the current car we were traveling in.
“So, how many cars do you have, big guy?" I was hoping for brevity, but I just ended up sounding tired instead.
“There is a car parked at each one of the escape routes. Once you hike out you will find a car waiting for you. I’ll give you a set of keys."
We climbed out of the car, and he set about camouflaging it like the SUV. Then we headed back into the woods once more. I was hoping all the while that he would take the short route. Now that the adrenaline of my anger had worn off, I was struck by how much pain I was in. My feet were killing me and all I wanted to do was sleep in a comfortable bed. All of my muscles simultaneously screamed out in a seemingly unionized protest.
B
y the time we reached the cabin, full dark had set in. We walked through the door and Kennan headed to the fireplace to get it going. I plopped down on the couch with my backpack still attached like a symbiotic organism.
“Man, my dogs are barking," I said as I lay there, every muscle in my body giving up simultaneously.
Kennan moved towards my feet to take off my shoes. I didn’t argue, considering my arms had quit working around the same time my leg muscles had decided to atrophy. He pulled my shoes off to reveal socks tinged a red color. I was pretty sure I hadn’t put on tie dyed socks that morning. He started to peel my socks away from my feet and I winced.
“Why didn’t you say anything about your feet, Izzy?" he reprimanded as he tried to gently pry my socks the rest of the way off. I looked down to my ruined feet and felt the blood rush out of my face.
“I knew they were hurting, but I also knew we couldn’t stop, that we needed to get out of there today. So I just sucked it up and trudged on. They aren’t that bad, are they?" I asked hopefully, not wanting to look at them again.
“Next time, if you are hurting, you say something. This could’ve been prevented." He looked at me, anger and concern etched on his face. Even I had to admit the stupidity in my actions.
I nodded as he moved away toward the bathroom bringing back a washcloth and a basin of water. I also noticed he was carrying a jar of some sort of salve along with bandages. He set about working on my feet as I lay there basking in my own stupidity.
“What is that?" I asked as he set about opening the jar and smearing the cream on the worst of my injuries. “Ack, that stuff smells horrible. Seriously, what is it?" I asked as I wrinkled my nose.
“It’s an herbal remedy. Old healers used to use it. The salve will speed up your healing process threefold. You should be able to hike again in four days. Without this, you would’ve been out for at least a week if not more. Next time, you don’t keep hiking if it hurts. Next time, you speak up. Are we understood?" he asked so clinically it set my teeth on edge.
“Yeah, I understand. I can put the bandages on you know. I don’t need you to take care of me. I’m perfectly capable of handling myself, this incident of stupidity aside. Besides, don’t I need to build calluses or something like that? All of the hiking stuff I’ve read talks about how calluses will prevent future blisters, and the quickest way to get calluses is from blistering." I felt quite inflated only to be brought right back down.
“Yeah, blisters help, but only if they haven’t burst. I’m perfectly aware that you can take care of yourself. Just shut up and let me do this. I should’ve noticed you were hurting and had I not been such an ass to you, I would’ve. You wouldn’t have kept it from me," he sighed as he set about bandaging my poor feet.
After he’d finished his task, I started to get up from the couch and head toward my room to dump my stuff. I had to try three times to get up before Kennan felt pity and gave me a hand. I hobbled to my room, not looking back, and dropped my stuff. I dug some clothes out of my drawer and headed to the bathroom to wash up more. The river water hadn’t done much in the way of hygiene. When I finished I headed back out into the living room to hear Kennan snickering at me.
I glared toward him with the most severe and intimidating look I could muster, only causing him to laugh harder. Once again, his mood swinging so violently I was starting to get seasick. I looked at him and continued to hobble my dirty things to my room. Kennan laughed all of the while. I dropped my stuff in my room and turned toward him.
“What is so funny? Do find my misfortune amusing?"
“No, you just sort of look like a penguin the way you are wobbling around here. Sit down and I’ll bring you something to eat. And try not to pull any muscles in your face with that expression.”
He headed off toward the kitchen and returned with some chips and a Coke. I didn’t drink soda very often, but when I did, I drank Coke. Ha, I sounded like that beer guy. I sipped the soda while looking at Kennan dubiously, afraid that he would revert back to the distance policy. He sank down onto the chair across from the couch confirming that the distance would be maintained. I hated myself at that moment for yearning for his closeness. I hadn’t realized until the past couple of days how much I’d depended on Kennan for friendship and emotional support. And now, I had neither.
“I think that I’m going to go to bed Kennan," I said, with a lump in my throat and a sick feeling rising in my stomach. I couldn’t face him right now. It all served as a reminder of what I’d lost and what had replaced it. Instead, I pushed the feelings down, and hobbled to my room. As I shut my door, I heard him curse and what sounded like a chair getting an undeserved beating. Too wrung out to care, I fell onto my bed and into the arms of oblivion.
**********
FOURTEEN
I awoke with a start, having slept another dreamless night. Years had passed without a peaceful night’s sleep, and I realized that whatever whammy Kennan had put on me was responsible for my rest. I would have to remember to thank him for it, but ultimately I knew I couldn’t hide any more. I sat up and placed my feet on the floor preparing for the onslaught of discomfort. None came. I looked down and my feet and hesitantly peeled back a bandage. Where there had been carnage the night before, there were now light pink splotches. I tested my feet on the floor and found them to feel fine.
I got up and headed out into the living room. Once again, Kennan was nowhere to be found. A few seconds later, a thwack from outside announced his whereabouts. I looked through the window to see Kennan chopping more firewood. The stack behind him was high enough to supply a family of five for an entire winter. Somebody was apparently worked up. I shuffled into the kitchen, putting Kennan out of my mind. Today I was going to have to try and jack into my own mind and figure out how this communication and vision thing worked. But first, I needed some fuel.
I started the coffee pot and rummaged through some cabinets before coming out with some oatmeal. I set about preparing my breakfast, refusing to let anything get to me today. The last few days I’d been such a complete train wreck. It was time to move on. For real, this time. No matter if I was on my own, I couldn’t wallow in my own vat of sadness. I wasn’t some emo teenager after all. Adults had to suck it up and trudge forward, and that was precisely what I intended to do.
I ate in silence and cleaned up my dishes. The only sound accompanying me the thwack of Kennan’s axe as he mutilated the poor unsuspecting logs. I headed to the door and stuck my head out asking Kennan to come inside. He gave me a quizzical look, but humored me.
“I need you to unwhammy me now," I said with determination.
“I don’t have to do it yet Izzy. I can give you a few more days of rest before you get sucked back into the fog," he said hesitantly, obviously not sure what I was up to.
“I need to figure out how to work my head, and the only way I can do that is if I’m not blocked. Since I can’t hike for a few days, and I can’t do any other sort of training, I thought I might train my brain. Or at least try and figure out how to work with what is going on up there." I looked at him expectantly. Either he would argue the stupidity of what I was trying to do, or he would do what I asked.
“Is this what you really want, Red? I mean, it is all happening so fast. If you want to rest for a while and get better no one would blame you." The sound of caring in his voice put me on edge. I wouldn’t deal with that today. I couldn’t deal with it. I had an objective and I would move forward. Focus and repress. Maybe that should be my new mantra. Focus, repress, focus, repress. But certainly don’t focus on the repression.
“I need to do this. If you must know, I would blame myself if I just lounged about while the world is getting well and truly thrashed by bad guys. If I’m going to make a difference, I can’t really take a vacation, Kennan. If you remember, I didn’t come out here of my own accord. This isn’t some fun hiking excursion for me. So the sooner I embrace what is going on and how much everything has changed, the b
etter." The last statement spoke as much to our relationship as every other circumstance of my life.
A look of understanding passed behind Kennan’s eyes before he moved toward me. He placed his warm hands on either side of my face before bending his forehead to brush my own. His heat radiated inside of me and melded with my own like we were two parts to a whole. I cursed my traitorous body while he set about lifting whatever protection he had placed two days before. I felt the weight rush in instantly and swayed with its impact. Kennan’s hands steadied my shoulders as I got myself under control. I took a deep breath and looked him in the face.
“Thanks, that’s all I needed," I said before disentangling myself from his arms and heading back toward my room. I still had a letter to read from my mother. It was just the sort of distraction I needed. With any luck, I might get some questions answered in the mix.
I walked into my room and sat down on my bed with my back against the log wall and my legs crossed. I opened the letter, knowing that a vision was possible, yet once again, nothing came. I pulled the paper from the envelope and noticed there were several spots of smeared ink and the words were runny in places.
My Dear One,
It’s time. I don’t have very long before I must leave you. In fact, I just have a few hours. I just wanted to say goodbye. I know there is so much more that I should’ve told you. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I’m leaving you with more questions than answers. I just don’t have time to explain it all. If you ever need me, you can find me in your dreams. As long as I live, I will be there. Call out to me and I will answer. I love you more than you will ever know.
Be brave my sweet girl. You have been my sunshine these last 8 years. I hope that someday that brightness shines on the rest of the world. I know what I hope from you, and what others will ask of you, but ultimately the choice is yours. Remember to trust yourself, you know how to do everything you need to. You just have to trust in yourself to find the right path. I’ll miss you so much, my little Izzy bear.
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