I hope that someday we may meet again beyond the fog. I hope that God grants me the strength to make it long enough to help you. But most of all I hope that God grants me enough days to see you safe.
Please don’t ever doubt that you were and are still loved. Goodbye.
I love you without end,
Mom
I wiped the tears from my eyes, once more feeling her love seep from the words on the page. I finally admitted to myself how much of a void her absence had left in my life. I was always close to both of my parents, but my mother was like an ethereal creature. She was the light to my father’s darkness. There was always something so guarded and cautious about my father. He loved us both without abandon, but he was never carefree like my mother. Even knowing all she knew, she was still able to give me a childhood filled with joy and adventures under the Alabama sun. I missed them both so much. The years that I’d repressed, the longing suddenly came rushing back to haunt me.
I lay down on my pillow, hoping to pull myself back to the present, but instead I was pulled into a parade of phantoms once more. Polaroid’s of time flash before my eyes like an old photo album. I saw my mother’s face lit up with a knowing smile while she was held under my watchful father. I saw my father twirling me in the air and remembered screaming, "Higher!" I saw snippets of a childhood filled with love and laughter. But in the periphery I caught glimpses of my mother’s worry. I caught silent talks between my mother and father when they thought no one was watching. The first eight years of my life were laid out like stepping stones.
Hours slipped away as I lay there immersed in a time long gone. I finally allowed myself to mourn the loss of my father. To mourn the loss of a mother that I may never see again. I finally understood that it was not just my childhood that was altered by the Corporation. In so many of my memories, a ghost of Kennan echoed. He was there with my father as they shared inside jokes, borne over hundreds of years of history together. It wasn’t just me that had lost my parents. Kennan had lost his best friend, and yet he’d still promised to watch out for me. I knew that it must’ve been impossibly hard to face someone that was a constant reminder of everything he’d lost.
I lay there, inanimate, for some time before the knocking on my door pulled me from my thoughts. I rubbed my eyes checking for moisture, but found they were finally dry.
“Yeah?" I choked out, hoping the frailty in my voice was not evident to anyone else.
“Umm, Iz?” Kennan asked hesitantly.
“What?" I made no effort to get up and move to the door. He could tell me what he wanted from where he was. I really had nothing left to give him on this day. My tears had run dry and my emotional gauge was resting at empty.
“Can I come in for a minute? I need to say some stuff. Well,” he sounded off, like he had something stuck in his throat, “yeah, please just let me in.”
“It isn’t locked, Kennan. Just come in." I didn’t mean to sound brusque, but I had nothing left to give him.
He opened the door and I noticed the sadness lingering behind his eyes. He looked at me and it was as though my expression physically punched him in his gut. He looked back toward the living room as if he wanted to retreat, but then he straightened his shoulders and moved into my room. He sat down on the end of the bed, as far from me as the small bed would allow.
“I’m sorry." He hung his head in his hands and for the first time I saw all of those years float around him. I saw images of his past flicker before my eyes. Years and years of a life of waiting for the one he was meant to guard. It was as though I could pluck anything from his life and watch it unfold.
I must’ve unleashed something when I had my trek through my own history. I didn’t know if I could read Kennan so easily because of our history, or if this was something I would be able to do with anyone. I didn’t feel right prying through all of his memories, so instead I focused on the present and brought myself back to something I had rarely ever heard Kennan do. He had apologized.
“Why? What are you sorry for Kennan?" Sorry you ever met me, I added silently.
“I’m sorry because you deserve better than me. I’m sorry because I’ve been an ass the last few days. I don’t know how to be objective with you. Mostly, I’m sorry that my behavior has caused you to retreat into yourself and go through what you just did on your own. I could’ve been there to help you learn how to sift memories. I felt it when you started and I didn’t even try and help.”
I looked at him, shocked that he knew I had just paraded through my memories for the past few hours, yet didn’t bother coming in to check on me until it was all over.
I was even more surprised to find my anger just a smoldering coal. It appeared that my emotions were going to be taking a hiatus for the rest of the day. In their place I was left with a certain sense of detachment. So instead of getting emotional or responding to his apology, I decided to strive for information.
“Can I do that with everyone? Sift through their memories?" I asked, curious as to whether or not he had felt me on the edges of his memories fanning through them.
“Yes, you can. Your mother could as well. It’s a rare talent with your kind. It’s much easier for you to do it with someone you’ve known for a while. But I would prefer you not sift through my memories if it is all the same to you," he said, with a knowing look.
“Well, how am I supposed to figure out how to do it without someone to test it on, Kennan?" I was really hoping to get some sort of practice in today.
“I’ll make you a deal. You only sift through my memories from before you were born." He grabbed my face and turned it toward his own before continuing. “I’ll know if you go tromping where I don’t give you permission, and you won’t like what happens if you do.”
I felt myself heat up internally. My body responded to the threat in his voice as well as the fire burning in his eyes. He might have been able to tamp down his feelings and remain distant earlier, but now his emotions were coming off of him in strong waves. I shook myself free of him and stuck my right hand out.
He looked at it and then engulfed my small hand within his own. “I promise not to tromp where I am not welcome. Maybe you could put up some mental ‘NO TRESPASSING’ signs or something," I said, hoping to steer us into less emotional waters.
He nodded and then looked at me sternly as if to scold me. “I’m trusting you, Izzy. There are things in there that I don’t want to be seen. Not by you. So you stick to the stuff from long ago. It will be easy to sift through and find it. The memories that seem clearest are my most recent memories from what I understand. So look for the ones that seem fuzzy around the edges or just out of reach. Those should be safe. But the minute I feel you brush up against memories that aren’t yours we’re done. Do you understand me?”
“Yes sir," I said, before mock saluting him. “So, how does this work? Do I just sort of woowoo you somehow, or should I touch you? Is there a chant or something?”
“From what your mom said, physical contact makes the connection easier. You can do it without touching, but she always said the images were much clearer when she was touching someone," he said, before leaning back against the wall as if to brace for what was to come.
“Alrighty then. Let’s get to this," I said as I reached out and grabbed his hand once more.
I let the warmth of his hand surround my own and tried to find his memories but there was nothing there. Nothing but my hand perfectly nestled in his. I opened my eyes and breathed out heavily.
“Nothing is happening. Are you sure there isn’t some sort of chant? Am I supposed to sacrifice a chicken or something?”
“It isn’t a ritual. Izzy. Just try and clear your head, which I know is asking a lot from you. But just let your mind wander. Don’t try and force it," he said with a trace of his old humor.
So I did what he asked me. I grabbed his hand in mine once again and waited. I tried not to think of anything. Which, by the way, is incredibly hard, because the more I tried not to t
hink of anything, the more stuff I thought about. Eventually, I got to a place where everything seemed foggy. I breathed slowly like all of my yoga classes, okay videos, had taught me, and tried to center myself. I focused on Kennan and noticed a constant stream of images pulsing around him. Millions of memories layered one on top of the other shifted around Kennan. His entire history lay at my mental fingertips.
I spent the next few hours sifting through his past memories. I watched battles play out. I watched as he played tricks on my father. I watched him train. I watched as the world shifted and changed around him while he stayed the same. He was an immovable object in a changeable world. I witnessed the sadness and loneliness that he felt throughout his long life. I saw him long to finally meet the one he was meant to protect just so his days could end. Then I saw him meet my mother for the first time. I saw how her joy calmed his spirit, and how he’d finally found a home with my father and mother. Just before he pulled his hand away from my own I saw myself as a baby.
The present rushed in around me causing me to become disoriented. I tried to steady myself, but the roll of nausea became too much to bear. I ran to the restroom before tossing up my breakfast. I sat on the floor for a minute, trying to get my stomach to stop trying to exit my body. Once I finally calmed myself, I got up and rinsed my mouth and brushed my teeth before heading back to my room.
“Will it be like that every time?" I asked Kennan. If I got sick every time I tried to sift through someone’s memories, that would be one heck of a tell.
“No, I should have told you to sever the contact. I cut it off and that is what made you sick. I felt you trying to look through memories that aren’t yours to see. So we are done for now. You should probably try and get some sleep for a while." And with that he left me alone.
I knew that I’d been wading into memories he asked me not to see, but him not wanting me to see them made me want to know what they were. I lay down on my bed with his memories to keep my own company. I marveled at all of the things he’d seen and I’d only hit the highlights. There was so much more. The more I thought about it though, the worse I felt. I suddenly felt like I’d seen things he probably hadn’t wanted me to see. After all, if a person wants you to know something, they would tell you. In this case, I’d just pried into his head and pulled out memories that weren’t mine to take.
This Seer business kind of sucked. I had all of these super powers, but I felt guilty using them. My mom and Grams both always taught me that it was not polite to pry. Yet, that is exactly what I’d just done. I wondered if all of those warnings were to keep me from maniacally going about the world sifting through everyone’s memories. I could probably turn a lot of bad guys in to the authorities.
But then I would have to do the whole, "Ma’am, how did you know he robbed that convenient store?"
And then I would have to be all, "Well you see officer, I saw it in his head."
Then they would proceed to cart me off to the loony bin. So it was probably in my best interest if I didn’t go sifting where I wasn’t welcome.
I lay on the bed for a long time, feeling guiltier as the seconds ticked by. So instead of wallowing in my guilt I decided to get up, put my big girl panties on, and apologize for trying to barge into memories Kennan hadn’t wanted me to see. I opened the door and found him sitting on the couch reading a book.
“Kennan, I’m sorry. I know that I went poking where I wasn’t supposed to. So, yeah, I suck. Sorry," I said sheepishly.
“Iz, I get it. You need to know how to do the whole mind meld thing, but next time don’t push. There are reasons I don’t want you to sift through those memories. Reasons I’ll tell you someday. But as my friend, I need you to promise not to go there yet." The word friend caught me off guard. More importantly, it pissed me off.
“Oh, so now we’re friends again. Awesome. You can’t just go throw the friend card around whenever I have done something to upset you. Because you have been kind of a shit friend the last few days. Pardon my French." I sat down heavily in the chair across from him. I felt weird having actually cussed. I was raised to know better, but sometimes a girl just needed a stronger word.
Shocked at my outburst, and even rarer use of colorful language, Kennan paled. He rubbed his face again and walked over toward my chair. He lowered his massive frame down so that he was eye level with me before leaning in and kissing my forehead.
“You will always be my friend, Izzy. No matter what may come, you are my friend. And yes, I have been an unmitigated ass to you the past few days. It was just so much easier when you didn’t know. I could just be your friend and not have to worry about protecting you or training you. I lived in denial for so long that now reality is rushing in and I’m ill equipped. So, just let me get my bearings. I will try and be less of an ass, okay?" He stuck his hand out with his pinky up.
“Are you late for high tea or something, Kennan?" I asked snarkily.
“No, I’m trying to pinky promise you." He looked serious and I suddenly burst out laughing.
Something about the sight of a man his size trying to pinky promise finally cracked through all of the other emotions weighing me down. I laughed for the longest time and the harder I laughed, the more irritated Kennan’s expression became. Which only fueled my laughter further. By the time I’d composed myself, Kennan had moved back to the couch and had gone back to reading his book.
“Okay, I’m sorry, but you have to admit that you looked ridiculous. I mean, when have you ever pinky promised in your life?" I had trouble imagining such a guy’s guy ever doing anything as girly as pinky promising.
“If you must know, you used to make me pinky promise you all of the time. So just shove that in your pipe and smoke it, smarty pants." He never took his eyes off of his book as he delivered that little nugget.
“Well, I’m pretty sure I was much smaller, but I will take your pinky promise all the same. You have to know that a pinky promise is quite binding. Horrible, terrible things befall those that forsake the oath spoken over the pinky. I’m pretty sure if you start being an ass to me again you might bring down a plague or a swarm of locusts upon yourself," I said with mock seriousness. I knew teasing him was probably not the best course of action.
Suddenly, Kennan was right in front of me holding out his pinky once more. I smiled barely able to contain my laughter. Once my eyes locked with Kennan’s, some of my humor faded. His eyes spoke of a serious vow not to be broken. So, I hooked his pinky in my own and realized that the feeling was not so unfamiliar. I wondered what things I’d made him promise when I was young.
“I vow to try and be both your friend and Guardian. I will try my very best not to be an ass if you promise to stop doing stupid stuff around me." He looked me in the eyes like I should know exactly what stupid stuff he was talking about.
“What stupid stuff? Didn’t you just vow not to be an ass?”
“I mean the whole prancing about in lingerie and stripping down to nothing in front of me. You never did that back in Chicago, why would you do it now?”
“Whoa there big guy. I’m pretty sure you packed those clothes. Second of all, I thought you were asleep." The second I practically yelled. I would be darned if he was going to blame me for something that was not intentionally done.
“Fine, whatever, just promise to be fully clothed from now on." His eyes sparked in a way that made me think part of him didn’t want me to promise at all.
“Deal. No more exhibitionist Izzy in exchange for a friendly non-hostile Kennan O’Malley. Do we have an accord?" I asked with our pinkies still entwined.
He shook my hand up and down before releasing it.
“Well, now that is all cleared up." I cleared my throat in an effort to avoid the giant elephant in the room. “What next? It is only half way through the day and my mind is pretty much mush. I don’t think I can do any more mind melding or anything else at this point. So is there something I can do around here?”
“Well, we are actually e
xpecting a visitor. That’s what I initially went in your room to tell you, along with the apology, obviously," he said as though he guessed my thoughts.
“Who’s coming?" I asked, hoping that it might be Mike. Another familiar face might make things easier for me. After all, it had just been Kennan and I for the past few days, and the closed quarters were causing all sorts of drama between us. A third person would be a welcome change.
“No one you know," he said squashing that hope. “It is another Guardian. His name is Ian and he is a pain in my ever loving arse. But, he has some information that might be able to help us. So, he’s headed up here and will be here sometime this evening. I just wanted to give you a heads up that he is a bit, well different," he said as if different were the nicest word he could come up with to describe the guy.
“Alright, I consider myself warned. So, is there anything I can do to help around here before he comes? Any food or anything I can help cook? I mean, manual labor is still out with my feet being all jacked, but I could do some light filing or something," I said with a glimmer of my old self returning. The prospect of having another person around to mediate Kennan and I was exciting. Despite his warnings about Ian, I was looking forward to meeting another Guardian.
“This isn’t an office, there is no light filing. Maybe you could clean the bathroom or something?" He looked at me seriously for a beat before cracking into a broad smile.
I punched him in the arm and was surprised to feel the weight lift from my shoulders. The past few days had been difficult not knowing where I stood with Kennan and now we were at least on even ground. I didn’t know how long it would last, but I would take a cue from my mom and enjoy what I had right now and not worry about what tomorrow might bring. I was pretty sure if I didn’t stay grounded in the now, I would go insane. What, with the visions and all.
“Almighty Guardian, if it would please you for me to clean your bathroom, then how can I possibly refuse?" I deadpanned before feeling the sudden need to say something more. I needed to say something that had more substance before we moved into the land of denial and fluffy rainbow happiness.
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