The Monster MASH

by Angie Fox

Thaïs fired up the engine as I slammed the door. The sound of it vibrated through the metal interior like a tuning fork.

  The driver’s cab smelled like the dust and heat of the Limbo desert. Out of habit, I reached for a seat belt. There weren’t any. Merde. Not everyone was immortal.

  The entire ambulance rattled as Thaïs hit the accelerator with enough gusto to launch the charts into my lap. Jeffe sat outside, waving as we pulled out in a cloud of dust.

  Teeth rattling, we whipped past the hospital and a puzzled Rodger, who was about to go inside.

  Not many people left camp. I fought the butterflies in my stomach as I dragged off my field jacket and laid it next to me. The sun felt good on my bare arms. The ambulance bumped over the uneven road between the recovery tent and the supply depot, toward a side road that led due south.

  A hand-painted sign informed us that we were indeed on the Highway to Hell.

  Too bad it couldn’t be Galen sitting next to me. He’d probably been down this road before.

  I dragged my hands through my hair. I couldn’t believe I’d actually knocked him out. That would put a crimp in our budding relationship.

  Before this afternoon, I hadn’t exactly known how sphinxes took down their prey. I’d figured it wasn’t pleasant. But really, I didn’t have a choice. I had to complete this assignment without Galen following me.

  And without killing Thaïs.

  “Where’s the map?” I asked, locating it on the scratched-up floor between us.

  “Don’t bother,” Thaïs hollered over the droning engine. He pointed to his head. “I have it right here,” he said, tapping.

  And here I’d thought his head was full of hot air. With a few cobwebs in the corners.

  Still, I wasn’t going to bet my life on the immortal doctor’s navigational skills. I unfolded the map, fighting it as the edge flapped in the breeze.

  When Kosta said we had to head south through the wastelands of Limbo, I wanted to know exactly how far he expected us to go. I certainly wasn’t going to depend on Thaïs’s ego to tell us when to stop.

  I rolled my window up and braced a knee against the two-way radio receiver on the dash in front of me. Better than the siren button.

  Okay. I ran my finger down the colorful map that detailed hell vents, raised terrain, and very few roads. The Highway to Hell speared down from our camp.

  It looked like we needed to head thirty-two miles due south until we hit a bottomless canyon. Well, that should be easy to spot. At the canyon, we’d turn left onto a dirt road for another mile.

  “Told you we were going the right way,” Thaïs said as I refolded the map and stashed it under my charts. “I don’t need you telling me where to go,” he said to himself, gripping the wheel with both hands, “or slowing me down.”

  “Oh, well,” I said, “forgive me for tagging along.”

  Wouldn’t Thaïs be even happier to know we could have some assassins on our tail?

  At least we’d be able to see them coming. The rusty red desert stretched for miles. Here and there, I’d spot an outcropping of rocks in the distance.

  Hopefully, I’d be back in time to be with Galen when he woke. I could tell him how I’d done this on my own—how we’d fulfilled the second prophecy. Lord help us.

  Wind thundered through Thaïs’s window and echoed throughout the cab. As we rode farther and farther south, the whole thing started to smell like someone was cleaning an oven.

  “I could do this myself,” Thaïs harrumphed.

  I knew the silence was too good to last. “You can treat four casualties at once?” Impressive.

  To think, I could be back in camp hanging out with my bronze knife, or hearing more about the prophecy.

  Thaïs tightened his grip on the wheel. “You don’t have any respect for this war.”

  “No,” I said, gazing out onto the unending desert, “I’m partial to the kids I treat.”

  “They’re not kids,” he balked. “They’re trained killers.”

  Not the one laid out on my table last night. He couldn’t have been more than eighteen years old. He was lucky I didn’t have to do anything but sew his shoulder shut. Next time, it might be worse. And there would be a next time.

  There always was.

  I glanced at Thaïs in all his determined glory. “It’s a dumb war.” For every battle-crazy soldier like Thaïs, there were half a dozen others who simply wanted to go home.

  He glowered at me. “That’s treason!” I could tell I’d shocked him, which meant he really didn’t get out enough.

  I rested my head on the back of the seat. “Let the gods fight it out themselves.”

  He acted like I’d suggested they take up belly dancing. “Hand-to-hand combat is beneath them.”

  I lolled my head toward him. “I was thinking more like Parcheesi. Jeffe can moderate. As long as he promises not to eat anyone.”

  “This is not a joke,” Thaïs cursed under his breath.

  “I know.” People were dying. If we weren’t careful, there’d be four more dead today.

  I just had to trust myself that this would work out. I’d do what I had to do in order to bring those soldiers back. Anything else was out of my control.

  I glanced out the window to my right and nearly fell out of my seat. “What the heck is that?” A leathery black creature dashed across the desert, straight for our ambulance. It had the lolling gait of a tiger, only it was about twice as big and ten times faster. I spotted two more in the distance.

  This was it. Assassins. And I’d chucked my knife and knocked out Galen.

  “Ha!” Thaïs barked. “They’re just imps.”

  Spoken like a man with a death wish. Imps were minions of the devil. They could tear your heart out in one swipe. They had razor-sharp teeth, crushing jaws. Even their spit was lethal.

  Heart racing, I braced my hands on either side of me and searched for something I could use to clock them. This weapons ban was going to kill me. “You don’t get it. Those monsters are after me.” The cab was bare. “Why don’t we have any weapons?” This was the fricking army!

  Thaïs—the jerk—seemed to be enjoying himself. “You haven’t been out of camp much.”

  “No,” I snapped, wide-eyed. “I haven’t.” And now I knew why.

  The imps had drawn into attack position. All three of them ran beside the ambulance on my side, their mouths set into snarls. I could see their glowing yellow eyes and the ridges of bone on their foreheads.

  “For the gods’ sake, close your window,” I yelled. Or maybe not. Let them eat him first.

  “Watch,” Thaïs said, two seconds before he hit the brakes.

  “Ack!” I grabbed hold of the dash as the impact shoved me forward.

  “See?” Thaïs hollered. He still had the flipping window open.

  “What?” I pleaded.

  He pointed out the window. The imps had slowed to match our pace.

  “What are they doing?” I demanded. “Stalking us?”

  “They like to run alongside cars.”

  “What?” I stared at my annoyingly smug colleague, then back at the creatures. They loped next to us, tongues out. I stayed there for a minute, catching my breath, not quite believing any of it. “They’re not going to attack?”

  “Oh, they probably would if we stopped and had a picnic,” Thaïs said, “but right now they’re just having fun.”

  “They’re minions of the underworld,” I protested, watching them jostle for position alongside my window.

  “Exactly.” Thaïs shrugged. “They deserve a break.”

  I sat back in my seat, arms shaking. “I am never doing this again.”

  The corners of his mouth tugged up, but Thaïs didn’t comment. We drove in silence, the Limbo suns bearing down hard on the metal shell of the ambulance. Still, I didn’t open my window for anything.

  The imps stayed with us for at least ten miles. Then they dropped off and dashed toward a leafy green hell vent on the horizon. I shivered despi
te the heat, watching them go.

  I’d seen a lot of screwy stuff in my life, but this was right up there.

  “My sister used to have a flesu,” Thaïs commented, out of the blue.

  “A flesu?” It took me a second to register what he’d said. It sounded more like a sneeze than a name. “I don’t even know what that is.” I hadn’t given much thought to Thaïs or his family, either.

  “Half imp, half gargoyle,” he said, pleased. “They’re very rare.”

  “I’d say.” I wouldn’t want to be in charge of that breeding program. Gargoyles hunted imps.

  “She called him Romeo,” he said as the ambulance bounced over a rough patch. “Rode him in countless battles.”

  I couldn’t help but notice the past tense. “What happened to him?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, voice tight. “She was killed in the Battle of the Three Points.”

  Five years ago. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not.” He drew his shoulders back. “It was an honorable way to die.” His mouth twisted. “Instead of spending eternity on the sidelines.”

  I shook my head, willing to bet there’d be a line of demigods willing to trade Thaïs a bum leg for a ticket out of the combat corps.

  “Look.” I pointed. “Up ahead.” The desert surface dropped off into a canyon.

  “That’s us.” Thaïs barreled up to the edge before making a hard left onto a dirt road. We hugged the rim of the bottomless pit, like we were on some twisted carnival ride.

  What were these people thinking? I mean, who built a road on the side of a cliff when it could have been ten feet back?

  Make that twenty.

  “You mind driving us over there?” I snapped, pointing to the endless desert.

  “And break an axle?” Thaïs balked. “No way.”

  “You want to plunge down a cliff?” I barked.

  “I’d be more worried about that hell vent.” He pointed dead ahead to a leafy expanse of jungle. Colorful birds swooped over a cluster of trees. It looked like a page out of a resort brochure. “I’ll bet the enemy camp is on the other side,” he said as if we were driving through a friend’s neighborhood, looking at house numbers.

  Thaïs skirted way too close to the hell vent, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of another reaction on my part.

  The air was sweeter here, lush and vibrant. I could hear the chatter of exotic birds, the screeching of monkeys. Illusions, no doubt. I wasn’t going to get close enough to find out.

  I held my breath. It was cooler now, as we caught the breezes off the trees.

  Shadows moved among the trunks. I’d read reports that people had seen children in the forest, or at least heard the sound of young laughter. I didn’t trust anything except the rattling of the ambulance.

  Thaïs began humming the theme song to Rocky, whatever that meant. He was half crazy on a good day.

  I breathed a sigh of relief once we made it around the vent and picked up the trail again.

  We hadn’t gone more than a mile before we spotted two troop trucks parked on either side of the road ahead. Two jeeps with stretchers attached sat behind them. Thaïs slowed the ambulance.

  “Checkpoint,” I said under my breath as I grabbed my white jacket. This had to be it.

  The soldiers climbed out, carrying broadswords. There were at least a dozen of them. Huge demigods wearing the muted tan of the old army. Etched in green on their sleeves was the double-headed eagle of the infantry corps.

  They were followed by at least as many archers. Their arrow tips glistened with the blood of Medusa. It glowed with an unearthly fire. One touch would rot a mortal from the inside out. Several of them knelt in firing position while others stood.

  Oh boy. My palms were clammy as I shoved the door open on the ambulance. They certainly didn’t go over this in medical school.

  Hands up, I approached them slowly. Out of the corner of my eye, I was relieved to see Thaïs on the other side.

  They held their arrows steady, pointed right at us.

  Every step forward, I had to remind myself why I was doing this.

  “We’re doctors,” I called when I’d drawn within a baseball’s throw. “From the MASH 3063rd.”

  I sure hoped they’d gotten the memo.

  Thaïs stood with his hands on his hips. “Drop your weapons and turn over your prisoners,” he demanded.

  Real smooth.

  “Stop right there,” a soldier in the front ordered.

  We did. Thaïs and I stood side by side in the middle of the road, waiting. My throat went dry while the rest of me slicked with sweat.

  “You want to put your hands up?” I said under my breath.

  He scoffed. “I’m a demigod.”

  “Well, in that case…” I raised my hands higher for the both of us.

  This wasn’t the time to play games. I was willing to do anything it took to get those soldiers and hightail it out of there.

  A sharp breeze from the hell vent blasted us in the back, and I wondered again how I’d gotten into this.

  I’d gone to a few personal extremes already. I’d knocked out Galen. I’d found a way to get rid of the knife.

  Thaïs stood next to me. The fervor on his face spelled trouble.

  “Do not screw this up,” I hissed under my breath. This was too important.

  He merely smiled.

  Not good.

  The sun beat down. I held steady, afraid to move. My arms ached, but there was no way I was taking them down. I didn’t want to get shot over a misunderstanding.

  Thaïs inhaled sharply, and I followed his gaze. A dark shadow had begun to form behind the troop transports. It billowed like a cloud, rolling forward, the mist stretching out into the line of soldiers.

  Stale air enveloped us, smelling of sulfur and death. The demigods tensed, but held their own as the smoke began to take form behind them. Tall figures emerged from the mist. Heads bowed, faces hidden, they floated above the Limbo plane. They were flat and gray and rippled with a life of their own.

  Shrouds.

  This couldn’t be necessary. No way anyone needed to use Shrouds. Some said they were spirits. Others claimed they were flesh and something else. It was impossible to know for sure.

  Shrouds came straight from hell. They were the oldest of the soul eaters. They’d damn mortals in an instant. Immortals they’d torture for eternity.

  Both sides used them, but I’d never seen one until now.

  I stared at the one straight across from me and sucked in a breath when it lifted its head. There was no face, no eyes. Only blackness.

  My heart pounded in my ears. I didn’t sign up for this.

  Why didn’t I let Galen follow us? He’d know what to do. I had no idea.

  And now I was trapped. I had to see this through, come hell or… I didn’t want to think about it.

  Figures emerged behind the Shrouds, skirting the damned, careful not to draw too close. A hard, leathery doctor and several orderlies led out four patients on stretchers. They made a wide berth and emerged on the left flank of the soldiers.

  “That must be Kosta’s buddy,” I said under my breath to Thaïs.

  He frowned. “I should have known Kosta had friends on the other side.”

  Didn’t everybody? It wasn’t like this was exactly a sane situation.

  Every nerve on high alert, we stood, waiting.

  After a moment’s hesitation, the doctor began to move again, toward the middle of the road. The soldiers eased their weapons. I clenched my shoulders. Please let this be over soon.

  A soldier in the middle stepped out front. “Stop the transfer.”

  Every sword tip and poisoned arrow pointed at us.

  “They’re armed,” he announced.

  My belly flip-flopped. “Oh, no, no, no.” Was my knife back?

  It couldn’t be. I was supposed to arrest the forces of the damned, not get eaten by them.

  I reached down for my pockets, willing them to b
e empty. The archers drew back. I had to keep going. I had to know.

  I kept my hands flat. I am not going for a weapon.

  My hands slammed into my sides. There were no lumps in my jacket. I felt again, my heart soaring. No weapons.

  “I’m clean!” I shouted, ready to faint with fear, or take off running.

  There was a solid second where nobody moved.

  “He’s got a blade!” the soldier hollered.

  What? I froze for a moment, stunned.

  “For death and glory!” Thaïs drew a curved dagger from under his shirt and charged.

  I dropped to the ground as the archers launched a volley of arrows. This was it. I was dead.

  The air erupted with shouts. I squeezed into a ball, covering my head as I felt the poisoned tips slam into the ground around me.

  One nick and I was done. Now would be a great time for Galen to make a heroic save. But no—I’d tricked him and knocked him out.

  So that I could die alone in the desert.

  And they said I was the smartest one in my class.

  “Get her.” Soldiers dragged me up roughly by my arms, which meant I was alive. Thank God. I was alive.

  Damn Thaïs and his death wish. He could die a hero on somebody else’s mission.

  The soldiers dragged me forward, toward enemy lines, their fingers bruising and their pace quick. My head swam as I tried to take it all in. Thaïs lay on the ground, riddled with arrows. They’d punctured his neck. He’d taken two more to the sternum. One in the belly.

  They forced me past him. The poison would be working by now.

  The head guard, the one who had spoken before, wrapped an arm around my shoulders and dragged me back against his hard armor. I strained to get away, to stand on my own two feet.

  “We’ve got her, Colonel Spiros.” He pressed the tip of his knife into my side. It penetrated my fatigues, stinging my skin. “Don’t you dare move.”

  I swallowed hard, glancing down. It was one of those knives that broke apart inside the body, shredding you from the inside out. A chill snaked through me. No doubt it was poisoned as well.

  “Look at me, soldier,” the leathery commander ordered. He had small piercing eyes. “Kosta put you up to this?” He smelled like metal oil and sweat.

  “No,” I said quickly. They had to see Thaïs acted alone. “My partner here is crazy.”