Far Series | Book 3 | Far From Lost

by Mary, Kate L.

  When the thud of footsteps finally echoed down the hall, I stopped pacing. They were slow and dragging, as if he was dreading this visit as much as I was. My insides, already twisted into knots, tightened until it felt like they were wrapped around my lungs, and I suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Literally. I gasped and leaned against one of the chairs for support, my vision going fuzzy, my heart thudding in my ears, my legs wobbling as I tried to suck in a mouthful of air. Was I having a heart attack?

  A figure appeared in the doorway, out of focus but still recognizable, and paused.

  “Rowan?” His voice was uncertain but still flat. That was what he was now. Flat and one dimensional. More like the cardboard cutout of a person than an actual living, breathing human being. “Are you okay?”

  All I could do was shake my head.

  Dad moved then, rushing toward me at a rate that seemed not to fit with the new person he’d become. When he reached me, he put an arm around my waist and led me to the couch, urging me to sit.

  “What’s wrong? Tell me what’s going on.”

  I sucked air into my lungs, feeling them inflate, but it still didn’t feel like enough. “Can’t breathe. Heart going crazy.”

  He was still slightly out of focus, but now that he was closer, I could make out his expression when his frown deepened, emphasizing the new lines at the corners of his mouth. “I think you might be having a panic attack.”

  Panic attack? That was something I’d never had before, but it made sense. I felt panicked.

  “Breathe,” he said, his voice as clinical as if he were talking to a stranger. “In through your nose, out through your mouth. Slowly. It will help calm you.”

  I did as I was told, focusing on the floor because I was afraid looking at him would make it worse. In and out. In and out. Over and over as my anxiety slowly eased and my heart rate slowed. The room came into focus, and then I could actually breathe more easily. That was when I finally looked up at my dad.

  He was inches from me, his arm still around me as we breathed in unison, but like the last couple times we’d spoken, the expression in his brown eyes was flat and devoid of any real emotion.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I asked, finally voicing the question that had been nagging at me.

  He paused, looked slightly confused. “I’m breathing like this to help you.”

  “That’s not what I mean.” I twisted so his arm was no longer around me and scooted away. “You’re different than before. Are you depressed?”

  “Who isn’t different, Rowan?” he said, the words sounding heavy, as if they were weighed down with sadness.

  “That doesn’t answer my question.” I wasn’t going to let him off the hook this time. “Are you depressed?”

  “I guess you could call it that.” He let out a long and labored sigh, then sat back. “I watched hundreds of people die, and all in such short time. It did something to me. Something I wasn’t even totally aware of until you showed up.”

  “What?” I prompted. “Tell me.”

  “I don’t know,” he replied. “I know I was thrilled to learn you were alive and excited to see you, but once you were in front of me, I couldn’t make myself feel anything but…” His brows furrowed as he thought it through. “Apathy.”

  “Apathy,” I repeated the word, trying to make sense of it. “I don’t understand.”

  “I don’t either,” he replied, letting out another sigh.

  He wasn’t looking at me. He was staring at the floor where my feet rested. Like he was purposefully avoiding my gaze. That must have meant he felt something—guilt, at least. But he claimed he didn’t.

  “You’re not leaving with me,” I said when he didn’t go on. “Are you?”

  “No.”

  The word was like a bullet ripping through me.

  He paused, swallowed, then slowly lifted his gaze to meet mine. It was like looking at a ghost. “It wouldn’t work for me, because I wouldn’t be able to make myself care about living. Out there, away from the safety of the hospital, we’d constantly be at risk of something bad happening. Of the dead getting us, of another group attacking. I know what it’s like out there. I’ve heard the stories. But I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t fight back, wouldn’t run. I’d just let it happen.”

  “Maybe not,” I said, blinking away the tears that were threatening to spill over. “You don’t know that for sure. Maybe once you were faced with the possibility of dying, you’d fight.”

  “I wouldn’t,” he said, the words firm and final. “Because I don’t want to live. Not anymore. Not in this world.”

  “Not even for me?” I whispered.

  Dad’s gaze held mine, his expression not changing, and he said, “You’d be better off without me.”

  A sob shook my body, and I was no longer able to keep my tears at bay. They slid down my cheeks in a steady stream, dropping onto my scrub top. I didn’t bother wiping them away. There was no point because more would just follow.

  We stared at each other for a moment, me sobbing while my dad simply watched. He didn’t try to comfort me, didn’t try to apologize or explain himself better. He just sat there. A statue of apathy.

  I was still crying when he got to his feet. “I love you, Rowan. Or at least the old me did. I’m not sure that man still exists, but if he does, he loves you.”

  “I love you,” I said between sniffles. “I don’t understand how you can hurt me like this, especially after I risked my life to see you, but I still love you.”

  “Maybe one day I’ll wake up and that will feel like something to me.” He looked down, the new wrinkles on his face deepening when he frowned. “Although I’m not sure if I want that because right now, I don’t want anything but death.”

  He exhaled, shook his head, then turned and left the room.

  I was alone.

  I expected myself to break into pieces once he disappeared, but the sobs didn’t come, and I didn’t shatter. Everything hurt—my heart and even my body—as if the emotional pain had worked its way into my bones and spread through me, but no more tears came. The ones on my cheeks began to dry, and I swiped them away. Then I got to my feet and went to the bathroom.

  There, I ran the water until it warmed a little and washed my face, avoiding looking at my reflection because I didn’t want to see my red nose or puffy eyes. Once that was done, I headed back into the room to wait for whatever would happen next. Kiaya and Matt returning or Heath coming to get me, or maybe for the building to collapse and crush me as thoroughly as my father had.

  15

  Kiaya

  Ryan stopped and waved toward an open door. “She’s in there.”

  I peeked into the room, and relief washed over me at the sight of Lane. She was lying in bed, her eyes closed and her face paler than I remembered, but the gentle rise and fall of her chest confirmed she was alive. Like the rest of us, she was wearing a collar, but it seemed insanely far-fetched that she’d be able to get anywhere in her condition.

  “You seriously collared her?” Matt asked, shaking his head in disbelief. “She just had surgery. What is she going to do?”

  “It’s protocol,” Ryan said. “It isn’t up to me.”

  Matt scoffed but didn’t reply.

  “Thanks for keeping an eye on her,” I said to Ryan.

  Although he’d told us he’d keep an eye on Lane, I hadn’t completely trusted him. He’d been too duped by Heath to be really dependable. I was thankful to learn he’d followed through.

  Ryan frowned. “I still don’t know if your concerns are founded, but there’s no way I’d allow a patient I’d worked so hard to save die over some stupid vendetta.”

  “That’s something, at least,” I replied.

  Ryan tilted his head, studying me. “What does that mean?”

  Matt stood silently at my side, scowling but not joining in.

  “You have doubts about Heath and who he is,” I explained, “but you follow him anyway, which says you’re not brave
.” I shrugged when his frown deepened, letting him know I didn’t care if my words stung. “But you were brave enough to keep an eye out for Lane, which tells me you’re not totally a lost cause.”

  Miller snorted out a laugh.

  “Gee,” Ryan said, his frown growing bitter now, “thanks a lot.”

  “The truth isn’t the truth if you try to cushion it by telling lies,” I replied.

  “Whatever.” He waved to the door. “There she is, and soon all three of you will be on your way and we won’t have to worry about any of this.”

  “Let’s hope,” I said.

  Ryan stayed in the hall while Matt and I stepped into the room, and a second later my collar beeped. A beep from Matt’s quickly followed. When I glanced back, the doctor was still standing in the open doorway, and he had the remote in his hand.

  He waved it. “Just a precaution.”

  Miller let out a low growl of annoyance, but I chose not to respond, instead turning to face the bed. Lane’s eyes were open and focused on me.

  She shifted and winced. “Hey.”

  “How are you feeling?” I hurried to her side, but Matt walked over more slowly.

  “Like I just had surgery.” She snorted. “Better, though. Just a different kind of pain.” She shifted again, this time lifting her gown to reveal the bandage on her right lower abdomen. “Dr. Shelton said we got here just in time.”

  “I’m glad.” I rested a hand on her arm.

  She readjusted her gown, covering the bandage, and her gaze moved to Matt. “When did you get here?”

  “Last night,” he said. “Heath was dragging his feet, and we wanted to encourage him to make a move. It worked.”

  “We’re leaving in a little bit,” I told Lane.

  “Thank God.” She focused on me. “I don’t know if I said thank you. I know what you risked and how it could have turned out, but you did it anyway, and I appreciate it.”

  “It was a calculated risk,” I replied, “and it worked out.”

  “It wouldn’t have if Heath had his way,” she said, frowning.

  “Did he try to turn you away?” Matt asked. “I forgot to ask before.”

  “He hesitated,” I told him. “It was the most he could do in front of an audience, but it made it pretty clear that he would have let her bleed to death if he’d had his way.” I refocused on Lane. “Has he come to see you at all?”

  She rolled her eyes, looking more like the tough woman I’d met back in the school cafeteria. The one who’d stood up to Gabe and his sexism. “Only to the door. He acted like stepping into the room was beneath him, and he definitely didn’t come to make sure I was okay.” She grimaced and looked down to where her fingers were plucking at the bedsheets. “I was kind of out of it, and I might have made things between us worse.”

  Dread pooled in my stomach. “What did you do?”

  “I told him I hoped Anie died nice and slow.”

  “Shit,” Matt said under his breath.

  Lane’s frown deepened, and she ventured a look my way. “Has he mentioned it?”

  “No,” I said, blowing out a long breath. Between her and Rowan, we were going to be lucky if we got out of here without Heath ripping us to shreds with his bare hands. “Thankfully, we only have to wait a little bit longer. Then we’re out of here.”

  “Did he say he was letting me go?” Lane asked. “He said those words?”

  “He said he was.”

  “Why?” Matt asked.

  “He mentioned something about making sure Gabe and I paid for what we’ve done to him. Honestly, he’s starting to freak me out more than piss me off. Something about him just isn’t right, Kiaya. It’s like he’s lost his mind.”

  I glanced over my shoulder, suddenly worried he was behind me, but it was just the three of us.

  When I looked back at Lane, I said, “He’s dangerous for sure. The sooner we get out of here, the better.”

  The sound of footsteps scraping against the floor halted our conversation, and I turned just as a woman with orange-red hair and a face full of freckles poked her head into the room.

  “I didn’t expect to see three of you.” She smiled and waved to an empty tray on the table beside Lane’s bed. “I just came to grab that. I hope you all got something to eat?”

  “I did,” Matt said.

  He must have eaten while Rowan and I were gone.

  “Not you?” the woman asked, her gaze turning to me.

  “I’m fine, really.” I nodded to Lane. “I was just checking in on my friend.”

  “She’s looking better,” the woman said, crossing the room to me, although her smile faded when she glanced toward Lane. “She got lucky. Dr. Shelton is an excellent surgeon.”

  “Did you know him before?” I asked as the woman grabbed the tray.

  “Oh, yeah,” she said, nodding. “I was a nurse here at the hospital.”

  “Then you know Dr. Summers, too,” I said. “I traveled from Phoenix with his daughter.”

  “Wonderful man,” the woman said as she held out her free hand. “I’m Ellie, by the way.”

  “Kiaya,” I said, taking the offered hand. “This is Matt.”

  The woman didn’t glance his way, too focused on me.

  “You’re Kiaya?” Her smile widened, her green eyes brimming with curiosity. “You’ve made such a good impression on Heath.”

  “Have I?” I said, crossing my arms. It was like getting a compliment from the devil.

  “Oh, yeah. He told me you’re smart. Resourceful.” She nodded so hard her reddish hair bounced. “And it takes a lot to impress him. Only people like Ryan or Dan or Michael have really managed it. People in his inner circle. You’re lucky,” Ellie continued, not noticing or not caring that I hadn’t said a word. She sighed dreamily. “He’s so strong and brave and smart. And those muscles.” She fanned herself like a southern debutante on the verge of swooning. “He must have worked out all the time before this.”

  Matt let out a snort of amusement, but Ellie didn’t seem to notice.

  “I heard he liked the gym,” I said, my gaze darting toward Lane, who was frowning at the direction the conversation had taken. I wasn’t the least bit interested in Ellie’s infatuation with Heath, but I was curious what else she had to say. “That was how he knew the guys from my group.”

  “I heard you knew Gabe.” Like me, Ellie glanced Lane’s way as she tried to decide what to say. When her gaze was back on me, she said, “It’s just heartbreaking, really. Having to be around someone who did that to you. But it shows who Heath really is. Despite everything she did to him, he still let her into the hospital, so she didn’t die. That’s how a real man acts. He doesn’t screw around with someone else’s wife.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Lane muttered.

  Ellie’s eyes flashed when she looked the other woman’s way. “Of course, I’m not kidding you.”

  “Listen here,” Lane pushed herself to a sitting position, wincing as she did, and glared at Ellie, “I don’t know what he told you, but if anyone is the asshole in this situation, it’s him.”

  “You have some nerve,” Ellie said.

  “Me? I—”

  I stepped between the two women, hands up to stop any further conversation. “It was nice to meet you, Ellie.”

  Behind me, Lane grumbled.

  Matt said nothing, but he looked as irritated as I felt.

  I more than believed Lane’s version of events, but spewing them off right now wouldn’t do any good. Ellie was too indoctrinated. Like cult members dutifully swallowing mouthfuls of poison because their leader told them he’d heard the voice of God. We wouldn’t get anywhere by trying to talk to her. If anything, it might work against us if word got back to Heath that Lane was spreading the truth amongst his blind sheep.

  Ellie kept her focus on me, and her expression softened. “You could stay with us, you know. The hospital is safe, plus we have water and electricity. I know Heath would say yes.”

&nb
sp; “I’m okay,” I said. “Really.”

  Ellie sighed like it saddened her to see me waste my only shot at survival. “All right.”

  She left, and I turned back to face Matt and Lane.

  “Why didn’t you let me tell that bitch off?” she asked as she settled back on the bed.

  “Because it would have been a waste of breath, and right now, we need to keep our focus on getting out of here.”

  “Kiaya’s right,” Matt said. “We’re out of here in no time. No point in stirring things up.”

  “Fine,” Lane sighed. “It just pisses me off that Heath gets to paint himself as a hero when he’s the one who cheated on me.”

  “Who cares?” Matt said. “You know the truth. Don’t worry about what these people think.”

  “He’s right,” I said. “They’ve been blinded by the safety of this place, but one day, he’ll slip up and show his true colors. It always happens.”

  “I just wish I could be there to see it,” Lane said.

  I felt the same way but said nothing.

  She started picking at the bedsheets again while I moved to the door. Peering out into the hallway as far as I dared, I looked first left and then right. No one was in sight, but there was a clock mounted on the wall a few doors down. It was almost two o’clock already. Less than an hour, and we’d be leaving. Which meant someone would be coming to get us soon.

  I glanced down the hall again, my gaze darting one way and then the other, but still no one appeared, and it was so quiet I could actually hear the ticking of the second hand. Each time, the nervous energy inside me seemed to grow. It was like the closer we got to getting out of here, the more anxious I became. But everything was going to be all right. Wasn’t it?

  Turning away from the door, I moved back into the room and started pacing. Matt had taken a seat, and Lane had lain her head back down and closed her eyes. Despite the spunk she’d shown when Ellie was here, she looked weak and in pain. It must have been adrenaline.