The new release shelf has nothing of interest, so I keep walking along the aisle and scan the titles of other books, in case a random book will catch my eye. Come on, please. Just any book for me to pass the time tonight. I’m not in the mood to read textbooks and tonight will offer too much free time for me to just stare at the ceiling.
“Oops, sorry!”
Looking at the shelf and not paying attention to where I am going, I bump into someone who’s standing there reading a book. The impact sends me off my balance, and P'Por grabs my shoulders to steady me.
“Are you alright, Tawan?”
“I’m alright, thanks. I wasn’t looking, I’m sorry, sir.” In the last sentence, I turn to speak with the man I bumped into.
“Eh, doctor…”
I look up and study the person’s face.
“Oh? Mork…”
Chapter 12: Mork
Okay…
I admit it. That wasn’t a coincidence.
I purposely loitered near Tawan to make him bump into me.
Come on, this is real life. It’s impossible to be looking up and down a bookshelf and accidentally bump into each other like in the drama series. I don’t really watch TV dramas but I saw some when I was still with Fern (she liked to watch it). I’ve seen enough to say that this kind of coincidence doesn’t happen in reality.
You see, in short, I purposely bumped into him.
But there’s a reason for it and I’ll tell you my side of the story.
“Can't Help It If You’re Gay.
Can't Help It If You’re Gay.
Can't Help It If You’re Gay.”
I scanned along the shelves, looking for a book that has “Can't Help It If You’re Gay” on its spine.
Ow, I was getting dizzy. The storekeeper said it should be around here, showing the spine, because it’s been published for quite a while and the bookstore doesn’t display the front cover for older books. She told me that and let me browse on my own. Since I’m taller than the shelves, I had to bend down again and again to look for the book.
Ah, found it! “Can't Help It If You’re Gay.”
By P'Mek and Dr. Aim.
I took it off the shelf. There were three copies left, and on the cover, it said second reprint.
Oh, the book seemed to be indeed a bestseller. And why was I looking for this book?
Well, last night after reading P'Mek’s two articles on the page “Do You Wanna Hear My Story,” I kept browsing and reading his older articles.
Then, I found an article from around the time of his Spain trip with Dr. Aim, describing his gradual transition from feeling nonchalant with a mix of disdain towards Dr. Aim to liking him, which later developed into love. There was an unexpected turn of events before they started dating on the trip back home.
The article about their trip back was the reason why I was looking up and down for this damn book.
“Can’t Help It If You’re Gay.”
…………
Do You Wanna Hear My Story?
Posted on xx/xx/xx : Public
The flight back was completely different from the flight from home. On the first flight, we were sitting next to each other but it was just like sitting with a stranger in the next seat. Whereas on the way back, we were lovers, and the ten hour flight suddenly had a lot to look forward to…
Meh, “a lot” was probably inaccurate.
We just had plenty of time to talk.
So I got to chitchat with Dr. Aim until we started talking about when we “realized” that we were different from other male peers. He told me he realized it in high school, before he became a medical student. Oh yeah, I realized it when I was in freshman year. That meant we realized about ourselves at approximately the same time.
I asked him, “How did you feel?”
He replied, “Anxious.”
Anxious about who he was.
Anxious about the future, if something bad would happen to him.
I told him that I felt “anxious” just like him, too.
When I realized I was “different” from the others.
At this point, you guys (or gals) might be wondering why we felt anxious.
Let me tell you, before the year 2000, being gay wasn’t an open topic to discuss like this. You might think high school boy-boy couples are so cool and girls scream over them, cheer them on, and make a fan club for them.
But back in 1999, when I was in high school, it was another story. People weren’t this accepting. It was something that people would make mean jokes about. And if someone in your school found out that you’re gay, you could easily become a bully target. I think that’s the reason why Dr. Aim and I were anxious.
“I think other people who’ve recently realized it must be anxious just like us.”
“What do you mean, doc?” I asked.
“I mean when those guys realized…that they like guys.”
I nodded to him. “Luckily, we’ve already been through that.”
“But other kids might have yet to get through it, and some might grow up without getting over that kind of feelings.” When Dr. Aim said that, I suddenly got an idea.
“Doc...why don’t we write a book?” I suggested.
“What book?” He asked.
“A book about how we grew up being gay. Like, can you imagine, we had fathers who taught us how to be a man, and the girls had mothers to teach them how to be a woman. But people who realized they are gay had no one that could give them advice or teach them anything. Especially if they don’t dare to tell their parents.”
“Does that kind of thing need to be taught?” Dr. Aim questioned.
“Hahaha! There is definitely something we need advice for, no? At least there should be someone to pat our heads or shoulders, to tell us it’s okay, it’s alright, it’s not our fault if we’re gay. Well, not teaching, but just like a coaching book, kind of.”
“And we collaborate in writing it?”
That was his question, to which I nodded.
“Of course. We write it together. I will propose this idea to Miss Orn.”
“And what are we going to name the book?”
“Can’t Help It If You’re Gay. How does that sound, doctor?”
“Right, really can’t help it. Just have to accept it.”
After that, for the whole ten hours during the flight, we planned the content for this book.
I hope you guys will look forward to reading it.
-Can’t Help It If You’re Gay-
…………
That was why I came to a bookstore to look for this book. And as it’s been in the market for some time already, (but I just found out about it from P'Mek’s page last night) it took me a while of bending up and down to finally find it. I looked at the price, 199 baht. Hmmph...not that expensive, but if you were a motorcycle taxi driver, anything almost two hundred baht is quite a chunk of money.
Bah, what do I do… Should I buy it?
I looked around the store, it wasn’t just quiet, but also had almost no employees walking around. I knew I shouldn’t. But sorry. P'Mek, please forgive me, I’ll sneak a peek today, I mentally talked to him. Then, when I have more money and you release a new book, I’ll buy that one to support you. Just for now, please grant a free pass for this poor mototaxi guy who’s desperately lost, thank you.
I made an overhead Thai salute to the empty air around me and opened the book.
“Tawan, what book are you buying? Do you have a book in mind?”
“Not yet. I plan to look around and see if I’m interested in any of the new releases.”
Eh… The name Tawan was familiar enough.
But the voice that replied was even more familiar.
I craned my neck to peek over at the other side of the shelf and bam, that was really Doctor Tawan. He was walking with...his boyfriend. If I remember correctly, his name was Por. I saw him once when he came down from the condo to escort Tawan. Back then, in the dim light with low visibility, I
thought he was handsome even from a distance.
Now, in normal light, dressed up and walking right beside Doctor Tawan, he looked wow, handsome. Very handsome. I looked down at my own outfit, drab t-shirt and faded jeans, seemingly the underdog. It felt like “reality” became a two-by-four board which has just smacked me hard, right in my face.
What’s the point in getting all confused whether I was gay or not, when the guy whom I like already has a date. And that boyfriend is immeasurably more handsome than me. It is impossible for him to like me anyway.
“My dear, will you have the time to read it? You’re always reading textbooks whenever you’re free.” The guy named Por laughed and leaned down close to Tawan’s cheek.
I saw Tawan turned to look at him, their noses were almost touching when he answered. “Boo! Sometimes happiness can come from just buying the books, darling.”
Uh...underdog, I was definitely the dog. Mork, you’re such a hideous dog and you should know your place, I told myself. Just let these two people be together, and you don’t even need to read this book, either. I was about to put the book back on its shelf and sneak out of the bookstore without letting Tawan see me.
But I didn’t, because I heard the next conversation.
“It’s not your fault. I didn’t remind you that I cleared the duty slot and would be free today.”
“Aww… I’m going to Loy Krathong festival with my family, not someone else. Don’t go sulking.”
“I’m not sulking.”
“Yeah, I believe you.”
I stopped short, and slowly peeked over again...
Damn doctor, that’s not convincing at all, I thought to myself. Though he said that, his face and his tone were so obvious, he couldn’t fool anyone. Yet, this freak named Por something didn’t seem to realize at all that the guy in front of him was indeed sulking from hurt. I started to put the jigsaw pieces together from what I overheard.
Tawan must have arranged for a free day on Loy Krathong to spend time with his boyfriend, but the guy had to go home to celebrate it with his family. So, Tawan had to stay by himself…
“You can go home now, P'Por. I’ll keep browsing the books.”
“Is that really okay? … But I’m worried about you.”
“No problem. I’ll be fine. You can go.”
Tawan looked up from the shelf and met his boyfriend’s eyes briefly. Although I couldn’t see his eyes clearly, I could guess what kind of eyes he was making. The emotions in those eyes would be hard to explain, but if I were this guy named Por or whatever, I would call home and cancel the appointment, then stay with Tawan instead. He’s your special someone, come on, man!
I remembered an article on P'Mek’s page (he said he got the information from his boyfriend, Dr. Aim). It said there are two methods of communication, verbal communication and nonverbal communication, and we should pay attention to our own verbal communication but pay attention to nonverbal communication from the other party.
I had to look up the words in the dictionary to figure that verbal communication means what we say in words, while nonverbal communication means the tone of voice and body language. So, in a relationship, guys like us should be careful with what we say, while watching and focusing more on the body language from our partner. Because sometimes they don’t always say what they truly feel. The true message they really want to convey can be found in their gestures, the look in their eyes, and the tone of their voice, not the words they speak.
Oh, P'Mek had it right.
Verbally, Tawan said “No problem.”
But I could sense “some problem” in his tone and body language.
I wasn’t sure if this P'Por dude could also sense it. They’re lovers, he should be able to sense it even more accurately than I did. They were that intimate. Whereas I was just an outsider observing from the other side of the bookshelf, and I could still feel it. Deep down, I was confused. I couldn’t decide what I wanted Por to do. A part of me rooted for Tawan, hoping he stayed, while the other part wished he wouldn’t care.
“Okay...then I’ll accompany you for a bit before leaving. I’m not in a hurry, so it’s alright.”
Damnit… I felt disappointed for Tawan. I saw him nodded and smiled. But believe me, it wasn’t a smile that meant a smile. P'Mek said some nonverbal language is not straightforward, sometimes it can mean the opposite. Some people may smile when they want to cry. Oh, wow, his article was so accurate. What I read last night was all being demonstrated right here in front of me.
Perhaps Tawan was feeling neglected…
That wasn’t a question. I knew he felt hurt and neglected, but what about me? What could I do? I felt sorry for him because he was hurting, yet had to force a smile and tell his boyfriend that it’s alright. I didn’t know if he felt frustrated, but if I were in his shoes, I must be super frustrated. I wanted to help him but I didn’t know how.
Hey… Have you ever been like this?
Have you done something while bypassing the thought process?
Like, all of a sudden you do something impulsively.
At that moment, while my brain still didn’t know what to do, my feet brought me out there before I knew it. I sidestepped, pretending to look up and down to check the books while creeping closer to Tawan. I did it without thinking, but it was too late to turn back. I stole a bit closer until it was just a couple of steps before he would bump into me, and stood my ground counting down for the impact.
3 2 1 … Thud!
“Oops, sorry!”
Tawan bumped into me just as I expected. His boyfriend rushed in to grab and steady him. “Are you alright, Tawan?”
“I’m alright, thanks. I wasn’t looking, I’m sorry, sir.” His last sentence was spoken to me, who was standing next to him.
“Eh, doctor…”
I pretended to be surprised to see him.
(I hope my acting was convincing enough.)
“Oh? Mork…”
He slowly looked up at my face.
That was how it went.
“Eh? Tawan, is he your friend?”
In the present, P'Por asks from beside Tawan while looking at me from head to toe… Alright, I know my garb doesn’t look refined, and I’m not good-looking, but you don’t need to look at me so intensely.
“Yep, this is my friend, Mork. Mork, this is P'Por...”
He doesn’t mention who this Mr. Por is to him, but I know it. I force a smile on my face and greet him formally.
“Nice to meet you, mister.”
“Um, hi, nice to meet you.” He smiles at me and turns back to talk to Tawan.
“It’s neat that you met your friend. I might as well leave, then. See you in two days.”
Tawan nods and puts on the same forced smile again.
“Okay. See you.”
“Please excuse me. Goodbye.” He looks at me and gives a formal smile and a nod. I don’t know how to react between smiling and nodding, or what else to do. Doesn’t matter anyway, though. Because this Por freak leaves the bookstore as soon as he finishes talking. Like, immediately, really. So now there are just Tawan and I standing together in front of a bookshelf.
“Uh...doc…”
I don’t know how to start the conversation.
“What’s that book?”
Tawan points at my hand and I just realize I am still holding the book. I was going to put it back but didn’t have the chance to. So, it’s still in my hand. Automatically, I hide it behind me.
“Nothing. What book, doc?”
“Come one, Mork. The book you’re hiding behind you.”
“Nah, I don’t have any book.”
Oh shoot, damn me! There’s no chance to put it back now. If he sees that I’m reading this book…
“Hmm? Can’t Help It If You’re Gay. You read this, too?”
Too late. While I was mentally exclaiming in panic, doc craned his neck for a side view and saw the spine of the book. He could read the title from just that. Why is his eyesigh
t so freaking good?
I try to play it cool and keep a straight face. I put on a broad smile that doesn’t look too artificial and compose an answer in my head before uttering it word by word. “Well, it’s because I like the admin who wrote this page, so I’m looking for a book by him. I only like his articles. There’s no other reason, doc.”
“Hmm? You like the admin? Which one? Mek or P'Aim?”
“Uh...P'Mek.” I forgot that this book is a collaboration between P'Mek and his boyfriend, Doctor Aim.
Eh, and why did Tawan call him P'Aim?
“You know them too, doc?”
Tawan nods. “Sure, P'Aim was my peer-mentoring line senior.”
He doesn’t just reply, but also whips out his cellphone to show me a photo. “Here, this is P'Aim. When I was in the sixth year, he was doing his specialty training in Psychiatry.”
My Ride, I Love You Page 18