Then, he points at another person in the pic. “This is P'Ganghan, also my peer-mentoring line senior. Do you remember? When Nadia was heartbroken and you helped me carry him, it was from P'Ganghan. When we were in the sixth year of university, he was during his last year in specialty training. Now he’s a faculty staff member and teaching.”
“Mentor line senior?” I make a puzzled face at him.
“Oh… it means seniors who share the same student ID number with us.” He answers while putting his phone back into his pocket.
“When we become a university student, we’re assigned a student ID. And we’re grouped with the seniors whose last four digits are the same as us. That means we belong in the same ‘line.’ It's a tradition for university students.” Tawan walks to another shelf and browses more books.
“I never went to a university, so I’m not familiar with this mentoring line thing.” I follow him around. “Is it similar to announcing the last three digits in the lottery?”
“Hahaha! Oh, right, it’s like a lottery with seniors and juniors as prizes.” He turns to laugh with me. “So, you didn’t go to university. What did you study, then?”
I shrug. “After finishing ninth grade, I attended vocational college for a certificate. It was near my house.”
Tawan nods. “I seeee… And did you get a girlfriend from technical college? Curly hair and dark lashed eyes, something like that?”
“Oof!” I snicker. “You know this song too?”
“Mehhh, it’s a famous song, no? Everyone knows it. I can still sing it, even. Do you want to hear me sing?”
I put my hands up to stop him. “Nah, please don’t. I believe you, doc, you really know this song.”
“And...what kind of books do you read?”
I don’t know what to talk about, so my mouth just says whatever random things it can. I want to keep the conversation going. Just anything that can get him to talk. At least while he’s talking, his lips aren’t pursed into a straight line. People can have various facial expressions when they’re sad. And I know Tawan’s sad face is when he purses his lips into a straight line and says nothing. I don’t want him to look like that.
“Many kinds. Today I want to find something that’s easy to read. So I will have something to occupy me during the long weekend.”
“Why don’t you go Loy Krathong with Dr. Nadia?”
“That guy already has a date.” Tawan jiggles his eyebrows at me.
“Hmmmm? Wasn’t he heartbroken just days ago? How did he rebound so quickly?” I ask in amazement.
“He’s going on a date with a coffee shop guy from the hospital. So I’m like...dumped for the day.” Though he doesn’t say it out loud, I know he wants to say he’s dumped by his friend and boyfriend both. But for certain words, they ring louder unspoken than spoken.
“And where are you going after this? Back to the condo?”
Tawan turns to me and shakes his head. “Nope, I have to go back to the hospital. I don’t have the key card and the key to P'Por’s condo room. When he’s not there, I go back and stay at the hospital’s dorm.”
“Uh, you didn’t ask for the keys from him?”
Oops… I want to slap my own mouth for making such a slip and prying into his personal life. Damnit, Mork, don’t just shoot your mouth off like that.
Tawan looks down at the books on the shelf, not meeting my eyes.
“I didn’t want to ask. He will eventually give me the keys when he sees fit. It’s his private territory.”
I know… I know it is none of my business when I am such a dog.
But why the heck does every bit of how this Por guy treated Tawan irk me so?
Why does Tawan even need to ask about keys? When I was with Fern, I duplicated the key to my rental room and gave it to Fern without waiting for her to ask. It’s a symbol of starting a companionship, is it not? Okay, I know they’re guy and guy couple, maybe they don’t do everything exactly like other couples.
But come on, man. It’s the residence key. The key to the place you stay the night together. Alright, I admit, I can’t understand. I can’t freaking understand. If you can’t get married, can’t trade rings, isn’t giving them your house key or condo key card the equivalent of putting on wedding rings? Crudely speaking, you’ve claimed and slept with him already, how can you not give him some damn symbol to provide a sense of security?
“Mork...Mork, are you alright? You’re clenching your fists so tightly.”
When Tawan pokes me and asks, I realize I’ve been clenching my jaw and fists. I quickly relax my face and hands before smiling at him.
“It’s nothing, doc. So, you’re going back to the hospital?”
“Yep, but not yet. I want to walk around first. Got lots of free time.” Tawan nods towards the book “Can’t Help It If You’re Gay” in my hand. “Can I see that for a minute?”
“Sure, doc. It’s not even mine yet.”
I hand him the book and he skims through the pages quickly. At one point, I see a page that writes “What to do if you fall for someone...into a one-sided love.”
“Oh doc, can I look at that for a sec?”
I ask for the book. Tawan furrows his brows a little and hands it back to me.
“Uh-huh. Then, I’ll look at the books around here for a while.”
“Thanks, doc. Don’t leave yet, I’ll drop you off at the hospital.”
I take the book and immediately open it.
- What to do if you fall for someone...into a one-sided love. -
(Doctor Aim)
A universal problem for everyone on earth is when supply does not meet demand. In other words, we usually don’t get what we want. The one we like doesn’t like us back, or someone who likes us is not to our liking. A simple term for that is a one-sided love.
Now, what do we do,
when we happen to fall into a one-sided love?
Many people say to “give up.”
Look for someone new in your life.
And let this unrequited love become a past.
Let me ask you, can you really do that?
During my specialty training, I learned about several memory circuits. The textbook I read dedicated a whole chapter to explain about various types of memory circuits. When I finished, I realized there was no forgetting circuit. I looked everywhere in the textbook, and found nothing about it.
So, I went to my professor to learn about a forgetting circuit.
The answer was “There’s no such thing as a forgetting circuit.”
If someone passes into our life.
And you have enough good feelings towards them to start loving them.
Do you think we can easily forget the person and let the feelings pass by?
It’s impossible.
Therefore, if we have a “one-sided love” for someone, and someone say just forget and get over it,
I must tell you that it’s impossible. You got it all wrong.
Then, what should I do, Dr. Aim?
You must look for the chance to create happiness for yourself.
And create happiness for the person you one-sidedly love.
We don’t have to be their “significant other” to make them happy. We can make them happy regardless of our position in the person’s life.
No matter where we are in their heart, or even if we are just standing next to their heart, we can create some happiness for them.
The happiness will become a precious memory they have about us. It will definitely become our precious memory when we think of them as well.
True, the love we have towards them can’t be traded for the relationship.
However, it can still be used as a source of energy in creating happiness for us and for them.
And this is what those who bear one-sided love should do.
…………
Oh, damn right…
I can make him happy.
I can hoard happiness for myself by being his friend.
I�
��ve been narrow-minded and selfishly focused on how to earn myself a spot in his life or how to get him to date me. That was such a tunnel vision. In truth, when you freaking love somebody, you should make them happy. And when they’re happy, their smiles will then turn into your own damn happiness.
I put the books back in its spot on the shelf. Thank you very much, P'Mek and Doctor Aim. Next time when I have the money, I’ll purchase your book for sure. I give a Thai salute to the empty space around me again. I think a storekeeper peeks at me fearfully, but I ignore that and hurriedly catch up with Tawan.
“Doc, so today you’re free, right?”
Tawan looks up from some English book whose title I can’t read and nods in a reply. “Right, I’m free. You asked me many times already. What’s the matter?”
“Well...doc, let’s go to a Loy Krathong festival together.”
Chapter 13: Tawan
“Are you really gonna ride that?”
He asks me with a reluctant expression.
“Why? Are you afraid of that?”
I ask and he nods slowly.
“Hahaha! Mork, don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights and can’t ride a ferris wheel.”
“Uh, well, it’s not exactly like that. I’m not afraid of heights, but…”
His last sentence trails off and he looks away like he’s trying to grasp for any reason from thin air to convince me to not go on the ferris wheel.
I won’t give up easily, so I lean closer to him and ask, “But whaaaaaaaat?” to prod for an immediate answer and prevent him from finding an excuse.
“But we better avoid it if we could, doc. Do you really trust these machines? What if it suddenly breaks down and we’re stuck there in mid-air? Not a good idea. The weather is chilly up there, we’ll get a cold.”
The reason he comes up with is hilarious. How can such a big guy, and tall too, be terrified by the idea of riding a ferris wheel in a Loy Krathong temple fair? I dismiss whatever reason he’s giving me and, with one hand grabbing for my wallet, drag him straight to the ferris wheel.
“Tickets for one cabin, two rounds, please.”
I hand the money to the attendant, and as soon as he opens the cabin door for us, I drag Mork right in. At first, I thought the cabin was quite spacious, but once I see a big man like Mork has to duck his head when sitting inside, I realize it is a ride for children.
“Yeowwww, doctor…”
Mork makes a frightened face. I feel sorry for him and I hope it’s not wrong to also find this hilarious. It’s endearing when such a huge guy like him is being all scaredy-cat at the scale of 10/10 like this.
“Come on, accompany me for a bit. I’ve never ridden a ferris wheel.”
I plead, partly encouraging him.
“Alright, doc.” He gives a weak smile.
“But for one round only.”
“Hahaha! No way. I already paid for two rounds. It’s okay, the first round might feel scary, but you’ll surely get used to it in the next round. Once you’re used to it, it will be fine.”
“How could you possibly know, doc? You just told me it’s your first time on this!”
“Come onnnnn.” I argue. “Just trust me, I’m a doctor, and this doctor was taught well.”
I’ve been spending my Loy Krathong in every common way, with my family, with my friends, and with the patients (meaning no Loy Krathong, just staying on duty in the Emergency Room.)
But this is the first time…
To celebrate Loy Krathong with a stranger.
Well, not exactly a stranger. Mork is now my friend. But I can’t actually say he is on the same level of friendship compared to my doctor peers or to Nadia. Of course, not. Mork is a new friend who, when we’re together, still emits an air of a new acquaintance between us.
It’s like when we just bought a new car. We know that the car belongs to us. But it usually smells of newness, which makes it feel unfamiliar. It’s that kind of feeling. Between Mork and I, the air still smells of newness. It’s not quite right to say he’s a stranger, but it’s not entirely wrong either. Let’s say he’s half-friend-half-stranger.
When he asked me to go to a Loy Krathong festival with him, I didn’t wait for him to repeat the question. I immediately said yes.
Oh well, why would I hesitate? I’ve always wanted to go to a Loy Krathong festival at Phu Khao Thong Temple.[46] I’ve never been to any Temple Fair at Phu Khao Thong before, despite being a Bangkok dweller. Since this year I happen to be free, and someone is going to accompany me, who in their right mind would turn down that offer?
“Oh hey, when do they start floating the krathong here?”
I turn to look at the view from the height of the ferris wheel and feel a little disappointed. I was expecting a spectacular view but I can barely see past the treetops. Oh well, this is a temple fair’s ferris wheel, not the Eye of Bangkok at Asiatique mall, of course it doesn’t have such a superior vantage point to let me see as far as the Memorial Bridge.
“Anytime, doc. Up to our convenience. You wanna float it as soon as we get down? It shouldn’t be too crowded yet.”
“Sounds good. And we can look around after that. Just let’s get the ‘Mission Completed’ first.”
“What was that, doc? Vision compete?”
“Mission completed! Meaning you have successfully finished a goal.”
“Oh, okay, okay. Mission completed.”
He pronounces again to get it right.
“You learned English, didn’t you? Why don’t you know these words?”
I recall him recognizing my name which was spelled in English on Facebook.
Mork nods.
“Yah, doc. But I can only remember a tad bit of it. I can’t remember such difficult words.”
“If you could go back in time, would you want to learn more?”
I ask him.
He clicks his tongue once before answering. “Why go back in time, doc? Can’t I learn in the present? If I can only learn more English when I go back in time, then it means I’ll never get to do that.”
“Oh...you’re right.” Now it’s my turn to laugh.
“Mork, perhaps you’re smarter than me.”
“Nah, I can’t be smarter than you. It’s just that you overlook something sometimes.”
“Nope, that’s not true.” I argue. “Sometimes you’re way smarter than me.”
“If you say sometimes I’m smarter than you, then if I ever give you some advice, will you listen to me, doc?”
I nod. “Of course, I’ll listen. What advice do you have for me, Mork?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing yet. I’m just asking ahead of time.”
“Then, I promise I’ll listen when you give me advice.”
“Very good, doctor.” He looks at my face.
I just notice he keeps looking straight at me and never looks anywhere else at all, as if there’s something stuck on my face.
“Uh...is there something on my face, Mork?”
Maybe I got candy floss bits or stains on my face when I ate it earlier.
“Nah, doc. I try to focus on your face so I won’t accidentally look outside... It’s scary.”
“Awwwwww man, Mork!”
I laugh and clap on his shoulder gently. We need to sit on opposite sides to maintain the balance, otherwise I would have moved over to sit with him, offering repeated pats on his back and head to comfort him. Aww, poor thing! I’m starting to feel guilty for forcing him to ride the ferris wheel.
“Well, I can’t help it. I’m really scared.”
“Let’s think it’s a once in a lifetime experience. So when you have kids, you can describe the ferris wheel to them.”
“Bahhh, don’t mention me having kids, let’s just hope I don’t die during these two rounds.”
“Morrrrk! This is a ferris wheel, not a death row, you’re not dying.”
I move my hand down from his shoulder to his wrist instead…to hold his hand. I can feel the tension in his fist. He r
eally does seem to be terrified of the height.
“It’s almost one round already. If you’re scared, keep looking at my face.”
“Okay, doc.”
His clenched fist relaxes a little...and we smile at each other.
At the moment, inside the ferris wheel cabin, I can feel the faint “smell of newness” that’s been lingering between us slowly dissipate into the ambience of Loy Krathong Day and eventually disappear when the ferris wheel stops.
Before we know it, the wheel completes its two rounds. The same attendant opens the door to let us out. I steal a look at Mork and notice him sighing in relief, his tensed up face looks happier than before. I clap his shoulder lightly.
“How was it? Your first ferris wheel ride.”
He scrunches up his nose at me.
“Maybe similar to your first motorcycle ride.”
“Hahaha! Nice come back. Okay, let’s go look for a krathong.”
My Ride, I Love You Page 19