“Meh, parents usually pay more attention to their eldest and youngest children. I’m the middle child so I have to be easy-going. I have to keep some food for my big bro, and give up some food for my little bro, so I just eat whatever is left.”
“You made it sound pitiful.” I try to picture it… I’ve never been a middle child, so I’m not sure if this kind of feeling can be real, the feeling of being a middle child.
“It wasn’t that miserable, you knowwww.” He drawls. “Let’s just say my family is okay. And I’m not picky about food. Doctors aren’t picky about food. We eat whatever, for survival.”
Now it’s his turn to ask me.
“And you, Mork? Do you have siblings?”
“I have an older brother, two years older than me. He works in Bangkok.”
I omit the part about our family problems and just tell him enough to make him nod. Actually, there’s a small rift between my brother and us - mom and me. But yeah, I don’t need to tell him that.
Two dishes of grilled pork and egg stir-fried, topped with a heap of sliced spring onions, on top of steamed rice were put in front of us. Doc’s eyes become widened when he sees the food. He puts the first spoonful into his mouth and chews, eyes closed blissfully. I laugh internally. Sometimes he looks so mature it intimidates me. Sometimes he looks so childish I want to pet him on the head.
“How’s the food, doc?”
“So delicioussss!” He takes another spoonful. “I never knew there’s such a place with great food here.”
“Then, keep in touch with me. I know a lot of places with great food.”
“Wonderful!” He shovels the third, fourth, and fifth spoonfuls into his mouth rapidly. His speed is stunning even to a mototaxi guy like me. He eats faster than me. More than half of his food is gone already.
“I rarely eat this kind of food. Mostly, I eat near the hospital or the condo. I’ve never eaten this far.” He picks up his glass and takes a sip of water. “P'Por doesn’t like to go far away. He prefers ordering for a delivery by phone.”
I nod because I don’t know what to say. Better keep away from the topic about his boyfriend. “Oh, doc, you told me you have brothers. Where are they now?” I wonder, as his boyfriend is away, why he isn’t going home for the holidays.
“Big brother went abroad for a conference and my little brother is an intern, currently working out of town. All of us, the three siblings, are doctors. My parents also went out of town, visiting my little brother.” He puts the last of his food into his mouth, whereas my plate is hardly half-eaten. How can he possibly eat this fast with such a small mouth?
“What an impressive family!”
I continue eating. Actually, I’m not that hungry, I just wanted to keep him company. But since I’ve already ordered food, I should finish it.
“Thank you, Mork.”
“Meh, don’t thank me. That wasn’t a compliment. It’s the truth. All the siblings are doctors, that’s really something.”
“Nope, I didn’t thank you for that.”
“Oh, what did you thank me for, then?”
“I thank you for...freeing me from exhaustion and loneliness today.”
Then, he smiles. This kind of smile, oh, what I wouldn’t give to be seeing it when I wake up every morning. I try to keep a straight face and not smile in return...but it is truly difficult. The corners of my mouth try to lift themselves up to copy his smile. Eventually, his smile is contagious and my face has one as well.
I return his smile while reaching my hand over to wipe a grain of rice from a corner of his lips.
“Bahh doc, you eat messily like a kid.”
“Thanks...again. Haha.”
He laughs shyly.
I hurry up and finish my food.
“Let’s go, doc. I’ll drop you off at the hospital.”
“But I’m not even sleepy yet, Mork.” He complains.
“Nah-ah, you need to get some rest, doc. Just in case you need the energy to deal with emergency stuff tomorrow.”
To be honest, I want to stay with him longer and don’t want to send him back just yet. But if I love him and care about him, this is what I should do, not keep exploiting the opportunity to indulge myself without worrying about his well-being.
“Oh, hey. Today we had two meals together.”
Tawan says while following me back to my motorcycle.
“And do you like it?” I turn to ask and hand him the helmet.
“Uh-huh, I like it. Hoy Tord was great. This late night diner, too.”
“Well, next time when you’re free, I can take you around. I know plenty more places with good food.”
“Hey, I’m holding you to your words, Mork. I’ll drag you around with me.”
“And I’m holding you to yours, doc. Okay, hop up.”
He yawns a little while putting on the helmet.
I laugh. “Someone said he wasn’t sleepy.”
He turns to mock-glare at me. “It’s just a yawn.”
On the way back, he locks his arms around my waist without needing an instruction from me. When he puts his cheek against my back, I can feel the gentle brushes from his slow breathing pattern. Oh, has he freaking secretly fallen asleep? I drive slower and secure a hand over his hands on the front of my waist, as a precaution in case he’s asleep. I don’t want him to fall off the seat.
It is nearly 2 a.m., almost two hours into the new day. The morning will come soon, ending the night of Loy Krathong Day. But even after it ends this year, tonight is the night I will remember for a long time, because it’s been a truly happy Loy Krathong for me.
…………
When I was ordained, my elder monk mentor taught me “don’t get attached to happiness” because it is an impermanence. Today’s happiness may lead to suffering tomorrow. Should it come, let it come and let it pass, we simply need to acknowledge it.
This thing is happening to me today.
During work at my station, I’m thinking if I’m free in the evening, I will send doc a message saying I’m up if he wants to go out for something delicious together. But after barely finishishing my thoughts, I see Mr. Por’s car coming into 7-Eleven’s parking space at the junction at the start of our soi.
I assume he has just got back from picking up doc, and it’s a timeout for an outsider like me. I’m soothing myself and mentally canceling the evening plan when I notice that the person who steps off the car with Mr. Por is not Tawan. He’s someone else whom I’ve never seen before.
“Mork, why da hell yer staring at that car?”
P'Fueang asks.
“That guy, he’s Tawan’s boyfriend.”
I reply, my eyes still fixed on the two guys who have now entered 7-Eleven.
“Oh...yer friend who’s a doctor, right?” P'Fueang follows my eyes now. “Is the guy beside him yer friend? Dun look familiar.”
“Nah, that’s not him. He’s with someone else that’s not Tawan.”
“Soooo, maybe that’s just his friend. Let’s not stick our noses into someone else’s friggin' business.”
I am about to be convinced that his observation is right, but they happen to be leaving the store, and I notice they’re holding hands. Mr. Por also bends down to kiss the guy’s forehead before getting into the car.
“Shit...I think they aren’t just friggin' friends.”
P'Fueang mumbles under his breath, his eyes still trailing the same target as mine.
Actually, I don't need to hear his comment.
Because I think exactly the same…
…………
I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s none of my business.
Yet...my sorry-ass (please excuse my language) can’t resist butting in. I park my motorcycle, waiting in front of Mr. Por’s condo. I want to know if he will leave and when, or if he’ll stay the night. I know it sounds nonsensical, but don’t we all do nonsensical things sometimes?
At half past five, that stranger exits the condo. He beckons for a taxicab
and leaves in a haste. I recognize his face very well, but that’s not necessary, because the guy named Por is down here. He’s seeing the other man off, escorting him into the taxi in such a demeanor which makes them look like… I don’t want to say the word, but they do look like ... lovers.
Oh, they do. Mr. Por sends that man off with such a loving look. I clench my fists tightly, suddenly feeling engulfed with such a rage of unknown origin. Without thinking, I grab my phone and send a message to Tawan.
“Heyya, doc. What r u doing?
Coming back to condo? I can pick you up.”
In less than a minute, he replies.
“Uh not yet. He’s not back.
I can’t enter anyway. Dorm day for me, I think.”
There, apparently, Tawan doesn’t know Por is back, and I bet Por didn’t tell him that he’s come back to the condo already. There’s no other reason to explain this, he’s clearly cheating on Tawan.
“Your boyfriend brought someone else to the condo.”
That’s what I want to type. But...my fingers hover over the screen. Another part of my mind stops me, saying ‘What the heck do you think you’ll get from this? You think destroying their relationship will make him turn to love you instead?’
‘But it’s the right thing to do, no? If I find out a friend is being cheated on, I should freaking tell my friend.’ I argue with my mental voice.
‘Pfft hahaha! Are you sure?’ I hear it mock me in return. ‘If you’re a true friend, shouldn’t you keep your nose out of his personal matters? They’re lovers. It’s their own problem. Screw it, man. You’re an outsider.’
Beep…
While the two voices debate against each other inside my head, Tawan sends me a message.
“What’s up, Mork?
Wanna go for dinner?”
“Nah, nothing, doc. Just wanna say hi.
Today I gotta work until late at night. See you later.”
I’m too scared of blurting everything out if I meet him today. While I’m still confused about what I should do as Tawan’s friend, I shouldn’t see him. At least it will prevent me from slipping it. Frankly, I don’t care about the relationship between Tawan and the guy named Por.
I’m worried about Tawan’s feelings.
I recall when I found out about Fern and her other lover. Whether we love them so much or only a little, and whether we have someone to comfort us or not, the pain from a betrayal by your loved one hurts. It doesn’t hurt like a scrape from a motorcycle accident, or a cut from a kitchen knife. It hurts like a would you can’t even explain. It starts from a minor, numbing pain and grows into a severe one.
I’m not sure if I should be the one who pulls the trigger of this pain.
I’m not sure if I have the right to spill the secret to the doctor.
I’m not sure...if I can bear the responsibility if I’m the one who destroys their relationship.
I’m not sure.
I’m not sure of anything at all.
…………
“P'Mek…
I’m one of your secret fans.”
Uh...wait, it won’t be a freaking secret fan anymore once I send this damn private message to his inbox, right? Nah, not good. Why am I using the word secret? Gotta delete it.
“P'Mek…
I’ve just started reading your page.”
Um...okay. This is a better introduction.
“I need your advice on something. I have a friend and he has a boyfriend. But the other day, I saw his boyfriend with someone else. I’m too lazy to describe it with more details, but it’s obvious that he’s sneakily going out with someone else. Should I tell my friend about this?”
Upon completing the message, I reread it to make sure I’m not revealing too much, and that I did not mention my name or Doctor Tawan’s name. When I’m sure of it, I hit the send button. In such a time like this, the only person I can turn to is P'Mek.
It’s not like I don’t believe in the advice from my Loong and Ar, but they have met Tawan and they know about him and me. They also know how I feel towards doc. I want advice from someone that’s truly an outsider and has no information of what happened earlier. More importantly, P'Mek has helped me (unknowingly) solve many of my problems before. I feel like he will have some good advice for me.
I’ll have to wait, I guess. I don’t think he’ll be free to reply immediately. I get up, preparing to switch off the lights and go to bed, but a message notification beeps first.
“Hey bro,
I won’t tell you whether or not to do it.
Let me just ask what will you get from doing it?
If doing it will lead to him becoming your boyfriend, and you benefit from this, then just do it! But first, you have to be damn sure that this will be the result, and that you can take care of him, can make him love you instead.
But if you merely have an urge to do it without being able to answer what will happen, then, be careful! I warn you, it will backfire and blow up in your face.
We can never know how much they love each other. Sometimes for partners, forgiveness has more weight than the love itself. What if they forgive each other? What will happen to you? Think hard on it. Do you know what the idiom ‘yard dog’ means?
I can understand your feeling of -this is wrong- very well, but you are not a judge. You can’t sentence anyone.
If you think telling him is a part of your plan to win him over, then try it. But if you still don’t know what you’re doing it for, if you just want to be the justice...go back to the first part of this paragraph. You aren’t a judge.
Don’t be surprised. I’ve seen this a lot.
I know that the -friend- you mentioned has more meaning to you than a simple friend.
If he’s really simply a friend, you won’t be debating yourself to the point of asking for my advice.
Believe me. I’ve been through it before.”
We can never know...how much they love each other…
Only this part already hurts enough to read. I don’t know how much doc and that Por guy love each other. To be specific, I have no idea how much Por loves doc, but I know...I know how much the doc loves that guy named Por.
I remember one day during the week before Loy Krathong Day. It was raining that evening and I was sitting with older guys during a pause of service. Suddenly, the doc appeared, soaked from head to toes. He must have walked through the rain from the Skytrain station to the junction of the soi.
“Hey, Mork, take me to the condo, please.”
“Oh wow, doc, you’re all soaked. Come here, wait under the roof with us.”
But he shook his head, refusing to use the shelter.
“Can you drive me to the condo?”
I stared at the pouring rain out there. “Nah, the rain is too heavy, doc. It’s dangerous to drive the motorcycle now. Wait for it to slow down. Look, doc, no one here is driving. We’re waiting for the rain to stop.”
“It’s alright, then. I’ll go by foot.”
He turned to leave through the rain, but I grabbed his arm.
“Wait, don’t you have an umbrella?”
He shook his head. “Nope, but I want to hurry to him.”
I borrowed a raincoat from P'Fueang and handed it to Tawan.
“Here, put it on, I’ll drop you off.”
“Thank you, Mork.”
“No worries, doc.”
Alright...therefore, I know how much he loves Mr. Por.
It’s enough to make doc put that guy before himself.
What P'Mek said is true. Sometimes for partners, forgiving each other has more weight than the love itself. If I tell doc, and then what? If I tell him, at worst they might fight for a day or two. Then, they’ll reconcile, and go back to loving each other again. While I’ll become a yard dog. Worse yet, if Por finds out I’m the one who tells doc, I’ll become something even more hideous than the yard dog.
“There’s no way he would turn to me and cry on my shoulder when he’s sad.
There’s no way I’ll become his special someone…”
I tell myself, although he used to tell me I can be more than a mototaxi guy, right now, at this moment, I’m still a mototaxi guy. He’s a doctor with a bright future. I don’t have anything to offer except...my feelings and my well wishes. Even if he’s single, a guy like me doesn’t have the right to dream of it.
But since I’ve decided to try my best to make him happy by supporting him from my position, telling him the truth is off the table. It might be the right thing to do, but it will bring him sorrow. That’s against my original intention.
I got my answer. I won’t do it.
I look at the time, it’s 11 p.m.
I’ve reached my conclusion. It’s time to go to bed for real.
I get up and turn off the lights, then throw myself onto the bed and close my eyes.
Meanwhile, I must repeatedly tell myself...just freaking make him happy and that’s enough.
My Ride, I Love You Page 22