Tawan isn’t letting me off easily… He presses on. Ow, this damn doctor.
“Yes, please.” Khai nods frantically.
“P'Mor ride with me. Ride the train papa drives.”
Tawan smiles and ruffles Khai’s hair. “Of course, P'Mor will ride with you.”
He then gazes up into my eyes. “P'Mor is waiting for your papa to study more, too. When will he start, hmm?”
“Uh…” I look back and forth between them. Shoot, how to answer that?
“Oh... right! How about papa wait for Khai to go to elementary school first? Be nice and listen to the teachers, and learn a lot, then papa will study too. Okay?”
“But...the exam requires English subject. I guess I’ll need P'Mor to tutor me.”
I meet Tawan’s eyes. It’s now his turn to get dragged into it. Haha!
“What is tutor, papa?”
Oh, I forgot a boy his age doesn’t usually know the word tutor.
“To tutor is to teach.” Tawan gives him an answer before I can.
“Are you serious about it? If I become your English tutor, will you promise to continue your study?”
His tone immediately gets cheerful. Tawan is so easy to read. His tones and facial expressions seem to be directly connected to his heart. (I don’t know for a fact if there’s anything that connects a person’s heart to their face.) “Kindness” is his charm. He cares about everyone around him and he’s always ready to be happy or sad with anything a person is telling him in a conversation.
Although I haven’t known him for that long, I can feel it…
It truly feels good when you decide on something nice for yourself and someone is happy for you.
I jiggle my brows and show my fangs at him in a smile. “I have enough savings to further my education and I’ve thought about it like you said. I think to improve myself, I should get a higher education. I think I’ll go for a high vocational certificate, but it requires some English. And I’m not good at it, doc.”
The metro train stops and opens its doors. I get up and carry Khai in my arms. “If I promise to continue studying, will you help me, doc?”
“Of course! That’s easy. Let me find some English textbooks and we can start tutoring appointments.”
He agrees to it. Although teaching me some English seems like a small matter, for me, the smile he shows while saying yes can freeze time. I feel as if there are only the two of us in this world.
“Khai will learn from P'Mor, too. Khai wanna learn with you.”
The little guy speaks up and completely shatters my magic moment. Come on! I can’t believe this freaking imp.
I reach a hand to ruffle his hair.
“Khai, you have to be better at Thai language first.”
“Bawww, papa, Khai learn all Thai alphabet already!”
“That’s not enough yet. Keep practicing until you can easily read in Thai, and then you can learn from P'Mor.
“But Khai wanna learn now.”
“Nah, it’s papa’s turn to learn first. You can learn later.”
“Why, papa, you want to keep P'Mor all for yourself?”
“.........”
Uh, right, am I acting that way? I turn to look at Tawan. Do I have the right to wish that I can keep him all for myself? I don’t think I have any right to feel jealous of anyone around him, not even Khai, the boy whom he has first met today. I have no right to be jealous over Tawan.
“Nah.” I smile at my boy.
“Papa wants to keep you. Papa is afraid Khai will love him more than me.”
“Aww, pat pat pat papaaaa!” He hugs me close. “Khai love papa the most. Khai love P'Mor too but not as much as papa. Okay, Khai won’t learn from P'Mor. Papa go learn and come back to teach Khai.”
“Awwww, give P'Mor a hug too!” Tawan protests in a baby voice at Khai, so he turns from me to hug Tawan instead. He takes over the carrier duty while turning to ask me. “What’s next? Go for the purple line?”
I nod. “Since we’re already here, might as well hop on every line.”
I walk over to the ticket booth.
“It looks like we’re Khai’s two dads, don’t you think?”
Doctor follows closely behind me, Khai in his arms.
That comment makes me spin around to look at him.
“Do you think we look like that, doc?”
“Uh-huh.” He nods. “We do. We’re two men taking turns to carry and play with a boy. So any onlooker would think we’re a gay couple with a kid. We give off this kind of atmosphere.”
I bite my lower lip, trying not to grin from ear to ear.
I don’t dare to say anything, because if I stop biting my lip, the smile will win over.
“Papa, P'Mor, let’s go. Ride the purple line train.”
Khai has been set back on the floor and is now running ahead of us. He jumps up and down in front of the stairs that go up to the train platform. I follow and hold one of his hands, but he won’t follow me up the stairs at first.
“P'Mor hold my hand too please.”
He says. I look at Tawan.
Tawan smiles and rushes to us and takes Khai’s other hand while looking straight into my eyes.
“See, I told you we’re like a family of two dads and one son.”
Again, this smile stops the flow of time for me.
And now I can no longer resist it. I relax my lips that have been pursed into a straight line, and let the smile take over. It is a smile that comes right from my heart. You know how sometimes we have to tell ourselves to put on a smile for the camera. But this smile is a smile that directly connects with my heart. (Again...I don’t know if the heart and the lips are actually connected.)
“Yes, doc, if you say we look like it, I think we do. Two dads, one son.”
And we smile at each other.
While holding hands with the little boy, walking up the metro stairs.
I know this will make it even tougher for me in the future.
But for someone who has no right to hope or to feel jealous…
Can I beg for this? Just for today, while we spend time together on the train.
I want to be a family of “two dads and one son” with Tawan.
And I will never beg for anything else. I just...want to create a precious memory like this.
Chapter 17: Tawan
“I had so much fun today. Thank you, Mork.”
“Bah, it’s me who should say thanks, doc. You taught me a lot of English today.”
I guess he’s right…
Mork has a beginner level of knowledge in English. He can spell words, but not much beyond that. During my first two years in university, I used to earn extra money for trips with friends by working as an English tutor for high school students preparing for university entrance exams. It wasn’t as hard as teaching Mork, because those students knew a good chunk of basics.
But it wasn’t as enjoyable as teaching Mork, either. I’ve never met anyone who’s as eager in learning as Mork. Even in the afternoon, he was still fully awake and focused, it was me who almost dozed off several times.
Today, after the metro train tour, we started the basic English class and continued the whole afternoon. We sat in Mork’s room on the third floor of his house, the motorcycle garage. Nong Khai kept sneaking a peek until he fell asleep late afternoon, leaving the two of us to study on our own.
At first, I imagined his room to be messy and dirty like a room of an average motorcycle driver (I hope this doesn’t sound rude, it’s just that they seem the type to not pay attention to neatness). But his room is actually very tidy and has only few furnishings. Everything is neatly kept. Frankly, it’s even tidier than my own dorm room.
Today we’ve been using one of the basic English learner’s books by Cambridge. We made a stop at Central Westgate Mall (on our way back while riding the purple line) where I bought it for him. At first, he kept arguing that he should buy it himself, but I insisted and told him to treat me to dinner instead, and
he agreed.
We were so immersed in the lessons, it has become dark before we knew it. The two elders already prepared dinner with delicious dishes, which I ate to my heart’s content. This means I’ve spent the whole day with Mork. We then revised a little bit of his vocabulary after the meal. And now, my volunteer motorcycle ride is dropping me off at my dorm.
“Thanks doc, you taught me a lot of English today.”
“Think of it as a thank you for taking me to a sightseeing.”
“It wasn’t exactly sightseeing. We only rode the train round and round, I was actually afraid you’d get bored.”
Mork laughs heartily, showing his canine teeth. I remember this trademark of his very well. Whenever I think of his face, I see his broad smile, with canines.
I shake my head. “Nope, I enjoyed it a lot.”
He smiles. “I’m glad you like it. Ah, doc, I think you should go back to your room and get some sleep.”
“Now you’re shooing me to bed?” I fake an angry voice.
“It’s late at night, doc. Or are you hungry and wanna go to that all-night diner together?”
“Mehhhhh! No way. The dinner at your house was enough to flood my pharynx already.”
“Pharynx? What’s that?”
I laugh.
“My throat. I meant I ate so much it’s coming up to here. I’m so stuffed.”
“Okay, doc. So…” He smiles with his lips pressed together.
“I’m going home now. Sleep soon and sweet dreams!”
I nod.
“Drive safely, Mork. Sweet dreams.”
He walks back to his motorcycle, starts the engine, and drives off. Before going around the curved part of the street, he looks back and waves to me again, as if knowing I’m still standing here to see him off. I wave back and watch until his taillight disappears before going inside the dorm.
This morning, before I visited his house, I was unsure.
But right now, just a few hours before the day ends…
I am sure…
I am into Mork…
…………
“Nadia, where are you?”
I type the message and send. It’s midnight but I’m sure he’s still up and about, somewhere in the hospital, because his room’s lights were off when I passed it earlier.
Checking for new messages on my phone, there’s no update from P'Por, which is usual because he went home. I know he always completely disappears from my life whenever he goes home. No phone calls, no messages, as if each of us has fallen into our own separate private pits.
I don’t exist for him and he doesn’t exist for me. Like we live in different dimensions. I’ve grown accustomed to it and I don’t feel like asking about it.
Before, I used to think this is wonderful, that it is the type of relationship between grownups, each of us trusting one another. No fussing, but allowing each other some kind of personal space.
But is that really how it is? We each walk through the door into our own dimension, temporarily cutting all connections between us. Both he and I gladly agreed on this. No message. No communication. No follow-up. Because we trust each other… But is that truly so?
Is it not because we simply don’t care?
We don’t care where the other goes, what he does, and with whom.
We don’t care whether or not he has in fact gone home.
There’s a bold, thick, and apparent line.
The line that signifies the difference between trusting and not caring.
And we all should be seeing it clearly.
If the line is so enormous, like the size of a football field, when we stand in the middle between inside and outside, we might be unaware of it, because we can’t see the edge. Sometimes we might think we’re standing inside of the field, but nope, actually we’re on the border. Think of when you stand on a mountain. You can’t see the shape of that mountain. You have to look at it from afar to perceive its true form.
If we feel unsure whether we’re trusting or simply not caring, it might mean we’re standing on the territory line between the two.
That is my second doubt, which I haven’t found the answer to yet. Whereas my first doubt is now cleared. I like Mork. And it leads to the second doubt I’m trying to figure out now. I am unsure if I trust P'Por, or actually don’t really care about him...
Because if I am in love with him and in a secure relationship with him, loving, trusting, and being devoted to each other, then why is there a space for Mork in my heart? Aren’t we supposed to love one person at a time?
While confusing thoughts battle inside my head, a message beep yanks me out of my trance.
“I’m on duty, can’t you remember, bitch?”
Nadia replies. Oh, that’s right. How did I forget?
“Sorry, I totally forgot.”
I type a reply.
“Yeah and you’re gone all day. Forgot your promise to keep me in the loop after visiting Mork? You fell off the earth the whole day long and just returned at midnight, huh? Well, at least I didn’t need to summon you by lighting incense sticks.” Ouchie, Nadia and his endless barrage of messages. I wonder how many fingers he has, typing at the speed of one thousand fingers.
“Hey, let’s call? Too lazy to type.”
That’s all I can reply. I’m getting too dizzy.
In the middle of exhaling, my phone rings and I answer it. “Sorry, I was busy all day and forgot to give you an update. Oh, but...you called me right away, are you free? I thought it’s a busy duty tonight.”
I recall that pediatric duty has two sections, NICU[61] (ICU for newborns) and PICU[62] (ICU for other children) ward and general ward. Tonight Nadia is on NICU duty which is supposed to be very busy.
“As busy as a flea market. But I’ll always have time for juicy gossip.”
That’s unsurprisingly his answer.
“Anyway, whatcha got from visiting Mork today?”
“Uh...nothing.” I try to keep a neutral tone.
“How can it be nothing? You said he disappeared. So where has he been all this time?”
“His older brother’s son came from Chumphon, so Mork took off work to take this nephew around. So today we...went sightseeing...all day.”
I lower my voice at the end of the sentence, hoping this can also lower the level of guilt I feel in my heart for going out with a guy who’s not my boyfriend.
“Tawannnnnnnn! You went on a date with him? And it’s not just an ordinary date! You guys had a kid in tow. This is a family scene. Biiiitch, that’s awesome as hell.”
Nadia’s shriek is so loud I have to hold the phone away from my ear. If NICU had infant patients in coma, Nadia’s voice would have woken them up.
“Shhhh! Keep it down. Other people will hear you!” I chide.
“No one will hear. I’m in the break room behind the ward.” He replies in a tone that sounds more like he’s chilling on the beach somewhere, not on duty at a hospital. He doesn’t sound frazzled at all.
“Nadia, I have something…”
“Oh, a sec, Tawan. I got a call from the hospital.”
He puts me on hold while answering the other line. And either it’s a coincidence or someone has orchestrated it, the on hold music is Tata Young’s song, “I Need the Both of You.”
Uh...wait, who on earth is still using on hold music service these days?
“Hey.” Nadia swaps back to my line. “Is it okay if we talk tomorrow instead? I gotta take this newborn case, it’s a poop breathing.”
Alright, that’s an urgent case. What he said refers to Meconium Aspiration, meaning there’s an inhalation of meconium into the lungs. It is a critical and emergency condition in Neonatal Medicine.
“Alright, go. The patient is more important. Let’s meet tomorrow after the ward rounding, at the coffee shop.”
“Um… Coffee shop? Okay. See you.”
His tone abruptly withers when the coffee shop is mentioned. And I suddenly remember that the damn Mr. Barista, Na
dia’s boyfriend-to-be (perhaps), has been gone for many days.
“He’s not back yet?” I ask him worriedly.
“Whatevs, it's nonsense. I’ll go see my patient. Bye.” And he hangs up.
I’m pathetic. I was entirely thinking of myself and totally forgot that my friend was also having a hard time. How terrible of me!
Alright.
Tomorrow when we meet, I will treat him to a coffee and ask how he is. Let him talk about his problems first, and then I’ll share mine.
The universe may have arranged things for everyone, but if we don’t take good care of what it gives to us, we might end up losing them. And once lost, the universe might not send us a replacement, who knows? What we get could be the last share the universe has in store for us. So, we should try our best to keep the best friends we have.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll listen to Nadia’s vent first.
After that, it will be my turn to tell him my story.
My Ride, I Love You Page 26