The Billionaire's Secret Regret

by Brent, Tara

  For a moment, it didn’t register what he said, I was nodding along and then suddenly staring with my jaw on the floor.

  “Josh’s...?” I couldn’t finish my sentence.

  “His boyfriend, yeah,” he confirmed, stepping up to Josh and grabbing his hand in a display to make it as clear as possible.

  “Oh,” I replied, staring at their linked hands. “I’m sorry, so... You two are together?” I asked, wanting to explicitly confirm that I was not misunderstanding this and making a complete idiot of myself.

  “Yes, isn’t that right, Josh?” Andrew said, looking towards Josh and giving him an encouraging smile.

  He seemed to come alive, stuttering slightly. “E-eh, yeah, yeah it is. Surprise,” he said, looking at me weirdly and it clicked.

  Oh, wow, he’s gay... He’s coming out to me! Rick, think!

  He looked terrified. He was scared about introducing his partner to me. I wasn’t sure why because I had known him my whole life. It made no difference to me if he was straight, gay or whatever, but it seemed important to him. I was shocked. I couldn’t lie. I had spent all this time thinking that Josh had a secret girlfriend, but I’d only been half right. He had a secret boyfriend!

  “Josh, man, that’s fantastic,” I told him. I’d never seen him in a relationship, I’d kind of assumed he wasn’t interested. I was glad that he had figured things out.

  Even more so because everything seemed to fall into place. If this guy, Andrew, was Josh’s boyfriend that meant I’d been wrong about Sam. She wasn’t married and that was not why she had left me this morning. Maybe this whole situation was as Charlie said? I didn’t know, but I was ecstatic to learn of Andrew’s true identity.

  “I’m so happy for you,” I said, before striding over to him and hugging him.

  “Thanks, man,” he replied, and I could tell it was really important to him as he got the slightest bit emotional.

  “I love you, man,” I assured him and then he grinned at me, “I hope you weren’t worried about coming out to me,” I told him, “because I’m glad that you’ve finally found someone to put up with you—”

  “You dick,” he cursed, “I thought you were actually being nice to me for a minute,” he said, but he looked relieved.

  “Never, that doesn’t sound like me at all,” I replied. “So... are you guys serious? Do I get to be best man?” I joked, finding myself distracted from Sam and genuinely excited for Josh.

  The two men exchanged a look, both blushing and grinning like idiots and I knew it was.

  “Well, that’s brilliant news. I’m assuming that you don’t live with Sam then?” I asked, feeling much more comfortable talking to Andrew now I knew I hadn’t slept with his wife.

  “No, no, I’m just here visiting her this weekend. I wanted to make sure she was settling in okay.”

  I frowned. “So, you guys know each other?” I asked, trying to figure everything out.

  “Yeah, I know Sam from Yale,” Andrew explained, “that’s how Josh and I met.”

  That made sense. Everything was starting to make sense and it felt a lot simpler than everything that I had assumed. I was glad. “Wow,” I replied, “that’s pretty lucky!” I laughed. “So, um, I actually came here to see you, Sam,” I admitted to her, turning my attention to her and feeling a lot more confident and completely relieved. “If you don’t mind?”

  She glanced towards the door again before nodding at me a little stiffly.

  “Yeah, I... I think we have a lot to talk about,” she said, sounding nervous. “Shall we...”

  “Mummy?”

  I frowned at the sound of a child, assuming it was from the TV in the other room but Josh, Andrew and Samantha all froze.

  It was then that a toddler, a boy no older than a few years appeared, rubbing his eyes and looking up at us all annoyed.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Samantha

  I felt like I was going to have a heart attack as I stared down at Benny. This is what I was worried about when Rick had just turned up at Josh’s. He’d just walked in with no notice, though I could hardly be annoyed at that, we all did when it came to visiting each other. I had even done the same thing when I had arrived only moments before him.

  “Momma?” he asked again and it seemed to snap me out of it.

  “Yes, darling, I’m sorry did we wake you?” I asked, hurrying from the room and scooping him up. I put my full attention on him and tried to act like it didn’t feel like I was about to pass out from fear and anxiety about what was currently happening. I tried to act as casual as possible, like it wasn’t a complete shock that I had a child but I didn’t dare look up at Rick’s face.

  My legs felt like jello as I walked across the room, lifting Benny onto my hip. I had to concentrate on facing forward and not looking towards Rick. I felt like if I looked at him it would somehow break my façade I had somehow managed to put on.

  As soon as I was out of sight, I ran into the lounge with Benny, holding him close to me as I tried to not panic and not to scare him too.

  Oh, God, what am I going to do? I thought to myself.

  I had planned to tell Rick but not now! I thought I would have more time! That I could do it on my own terms.

  I sat and cuddled Benny and he looked up at me confused and so innocent, completely clueless to the situation that I had dragged him into. Looking at his cute little face, I knew what I needed to do – whether I was ready or not, I had to tell Rick and it was now or never.

  I gathered my courage, taking a few deep breaths but just as I was about to stand and walk back into the kitchen, he appeared at my side. I jumped a mile in the air and squealed.

  “You terrified me!” I scolded him and he gave me an apologetic smile.

  Benny looked up at the strange man who had joined us and decided that he wanted to play dinosaurs rather than sit on my lap any longer. He cast a look at Rick and then went to play, oblivious to the fact that this was him meeting his father for the very first time.

  “Can I sit?” he asked me and I nodded, my throat feeling tight and the palms of my hands sweating.

  What if he never forgives me? I just didn’t even know where to start.

  “So,” he said, breaking the silence between us, “Josh just told me this is your little guy,” he said, looking as white as a sheet.

  I nodded, a little unsurely. “Y-yes, he’s almost three now,” I told him, looking at him and hoping that he would understand.

  “So... so was this why you ran off this morning?” he asked me.

  For a second I was confused at the change of subject. I frowned at him. “I didn’t exactly run off,” I replied, scoffing slightly even though I knew that he was right.

  “No, but you snuck off without saying goodbye. I thought I’d done something wrong.”

  I didn’t know what to say so I stayed silent. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Last night had been amazing. It was me who had fucked up.

  “Well?” he asked.

  “Well, what?” I rebutted, starting to feel annoyed as his usual cocky behavior snuck through.

  “Did I do something wrong?” he asked, but his voice was soft and he looked at me sincerely before gulping thickly and then turning to watch Benny.

  I had seemed to have lost my voice. I was too busy staring at the way Rick was looking at him. I waited for the moment for him to realize, for him to figure out that the tiny person in front of us belonged to him too and that I had kept him a secret all of this time.

  “What’s his name?” he asked me and I was sure that he was just trying to be polite but I appreciated the effort he was going to.

  “Benjamin. Benny,” I said with a smile, because my beautiful boy always brought a smile to my face.

  It was like I could see the cogs turning in his head.

  “You didn’t, by the way,” I told him and he looked at me curiously, “You didn’t do anything wrong. I had something really important to come home for,” I told him with a small smile and he
knew that I was talking about Benny.

  I felt the emotion catch in my throat and I felt like I was going to cry. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to show him how much this was hurting me. I didn’t want him to know. I had thought that when the time came and I told him, I’d be able to say I didn’t need him, and nor did Benny, I’d thought it so many times.

  But here I was.

  I wasn’t sad and daydreaming anymore. I wasn’t angry anymore. Everything felt so different than what I had expected it to.

  “I...” I turned to him, tears splashing down my face and he looked at me concerned. He reached forward to wipe them away and I moved back. I didn’t want him to comfort me. I’d done this to myself. I’d done this to us.

  All this time I’d been thinking about how Rick broke us, but no, I did too. Rick had done the unthinkable, but I had too.

  “It’s okay,” he said, holding his hand out for me to hold.

  “It’s not,” I disagreed as more tears fell. “It’s so far from okay. I’ve been lying to you all this time. Lying to everyone. Avoiding you. Avoiding life.” I scoffed at myself, frustrated with my choices. “But I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to. I can’t...” My voice broke as I dissolved into tears, unable to hold it back.

  “Sam, what’s wrong? Tell me,” he urged. He sounded so concerned, so understanding, but he wouldn’t be if he knew. He was going to hate me. I did.

  I looked at Benny, but I just couldn’t get the words out. They were stuck in my throat.

  “We used to be close, you used to trust me and I’m sorry that I broke that. I’m sorry I hurt you, Sam,” he said.

  But it only made me cry harder.

  Why is he being so nice? Why is he being so understanding?

  I felt like I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

  “I hurt you too,” I replied, locking eyes with him, terrified as I told him, “he’s your son, Rick. I never got an abortion.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Rick

  I stared at her, watching the tears fall down her face uncontrollably and I knew, I knew that she was telling me the truth. I was powerless though, I could do nothing but stare. My hands began to tremble and nervous energy started to thrum through me.

  He’s your son, Rick...

  I replayed the words in my mind and though it sounded like something out of a dream, I just knew that I was wide awake and this was really happening. It was real.

  “I was too afraid to tell you...” Samantha continued cautiously, looking at me with watery eyes. “I was worried about how you’d react. I thought... I thought you’d force me to have a termination anyway and I couldn’t... I couldn’t...” She trailed off, looking at me desperately, and her eyes begging me silently. “I tried to go, but as soon as I was inside the clinic I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to know about the baby. I wondered if it was a girl or a boy but... I found that really I didn’t mind. All I knew was that I wasn’t ready to get rid of it. I didn’t want to. I’m sorry.”

  “I...” I didn’t know what to say. Wrapping my mind around it seemed difficult. “But... I would have known... Josh would have...” For a second, I was in denial because surely, things like this just didn’t happen. Surely, I would have known. Someone would have told me... right? But obviously I knew that wasn’t true. The family must have kept it quiet for Sam’s sake.

  A thousand thoughts raced through my mind, and then still more as I thought back over the last three years. Of me leaving her in her bedroom that day, then of her calling me and telling me that this was never going to work out between us and that she wanted nothing to do with me.

  It had all seemed so cut and dry to me.

  I’d honestly thought that she had the procedure done and then she had broken up with me. I didn’t blame her.

  Clearly, that was not true. I was now faced with a reality that I had never considered. I’d thought about it in the sense of ‘what if?’ but never as something that had actually happened. It was more of a distant dream for something in the future, or part of my regret for what I had done to Sam. Except, apparently none of it happened the way I thought it had. It all made sense why she had ignored me for so long. I’d been pissed off at myself too.

  “I never told Josh it was yours. I never told anyone. I packed for Yale and then pretended that I got pregnant while I was at college. I told my parents that it was just a silly hook up and that the father was long gone and that I was glad for it. I... I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want anyone to hate you for what you’d done. I didn’t want to ruin your life by forcing you to be involved and I didn’t want to tell anyone that you’d told me to get an abortion.”

  “I... it wouldn’t have mattered...” But would it? I’d already given her so many reasons back then about why she should have gotten an abortion. Of course, she was going to think that. I’d panicked.

  “You should have told me,” I said because I felt hurt. I was hurt that she’d kept it a secret, I was hurt that this was all my fault. I had no one to blame but myself. “You could have told me.”

  “Could I?” she asked, her voice breaking. She began to wipe her face, brushing the tears from her cheeks though they still continued to fall. I could tell she was trying to put on a brave face.

  I wish I could have said yes, but once again I lost my words as I succumbed to the shock and I no longer knew what to say. She was right. I was young and stupid. I only cared about myself.

  “I...” I wouldn’t be where I was now if it wasn’t for Samantha keeping this a secret. I didn’t know whether to be mad at her, thank her, or to hate myself for what I’d forced her to go through by herself.

  Benny was oblivious, playing with his toys like a life-changing moment was not unfolding in front of him. He was so innocent in all of this and I found myself frustrated at all the things I had missed.

  “Is he... is he healthy? Everything okay with him?” I asked because I didn’t even know where else to start or what else to say. How could I ever catch up the last two and a bit years of his life?

  “He’s wonderful, Rick. He’s a good boy. He eats well and his speech is coming along great. We’ve just started potty training,” she replied.

  I wasn’t sure if any of those things were important, I didn’t know anything about children and what was normal or not. But I felt something glow inside me as she spoke and looked so proud and I found myself smiling.

  “That’s good,” I said and I felt myself getting a bit choked up. “He looks like you,” I said because it was true. He had a messy mop of curly hair on his head and it was undeniable that he belonged to Sam.

  It was a humbling feeling, but also something quite profound as I stared at him. This little human. I had created him. Well... me and Samantha had done it together. But it seemed impossible. How could the two of us make something this amazing? Benny had ten perfect, tiny fingers and a wide smile on his face as he crashed his cars together.

  “Brum, brum!” he exclaimed and then he looked up at me and I felt myself freeze.

  He stood, wobbling just little before coming over to me and handing me a car. I felt like my heart might burst. Strangely, I felt nervous and excited at the same time.

  “Car,” he told me and Samantha looked at me encouragingly, begging me to accept her son, to understand why she had done what she had done. And I could. I understood.

  “Yes, it’s a car,” I told him, “a red car. It’s very nice.”

  “Yes,” he said, before toddling back in front of the TV and beginning to collect up as many cars as he could. He then proceeded to pile them all up in my lap. It was something so simple, but it was the first-ever interaction between us and for that it felt special.

  After a few moments, Josh appeared at the door, giving us a small smile.

  “How you guys doing?” he asked, his voice quiet and cautious as he wasn’t sure what he was stepping into.

  “Okay, I think,” Sam said, before shooting m
e an unsure look.

  “Yes, we’re okay,” I assured her. “You really weren’t kidding when you kept saying there was a lot of talk to about though,” I said in a humored manner.

  That got a small smile from her and she shot me a grateful look. It was nice to know that we could still laugh about things. There was no point us all crying over it, after all, it was all done now. We couldn’t go back, only forwards.

  “Do you guys want me and Andrew to have Benny tonight? You guys could go and... you know, talk, without worrying about little man,” he suggested.

  Samantha looked towards me hopefully. “I-if you want to,” she agreed, “I mean... we could go back to mine... or...”

  “Of course. It sounds like a good idea. As long as you guys don’t mind me stealing her for another night again,” I said.

  I honestly thought it would be the best idea to talk about this where Benny was out of earshot. I was so worried about what to say or do around him. All of this was new to me. I didn’t know what was right or wrong, but I knew that Sam sitting and crying in front of him probably wasn’t good for him.

  Josh scoffed. “As if, I get to spend time with my nephew and my boyfriend – dream come true.”

  It was still odd hearing him talk about a boyfriend, but at the same time, it felt and looked so natural on him.

  I looked towards Samantha. I had so much to say. “Shall we...?” I asked and she nodded.

  Samantha stood and cleared her throat. “Okay, Benny, mummy is going to go with da—with my friend here and you’re going to stay with Uncle Josh, okay?”

  I stood, fiddling with my keys and feeling completely out of my depth. I had noticed her slip up. She had almost called me ‘daddy’, it had surprised me and I wasn’t sure how to feel.

  “Bye, Mummy,” Benny said, before holding his hands up to Josh in order to be picked up.

  The two of us said our goodbyes to Josh and Andrew, Samantha giving Benny a big kiss on the forehead before we stepped outside. Then it was just the two of us. We looked at each other before heading to our respective cars, ready to go over to Samantha’s house and finally, after all these years, come clean about everything.