Escaping The Shadows Anthology: Shenanigans'19 @ The West Midlands Book Signing.

by Maria Lazarou

  The clock at the side of me reads four forty-five am. The red LED numbers shining bright in the darkness of the room making me squint as I look across at it. Instead of lying here wondering I get out of bed and go in search of my husband. First step is the bathroom, I empty my bladder then check on the kids.

  I quietly open the door and there sitting at the side of Charlotte's bed in the rocking chair is Simon, with our daughter in his arms fast asleep. I take a moment to watch him sleep, he has a lot on his mind. He thinks I don’t notice how little he sleeps. How he’s on another planet most of the time and he thinks I don’t know that we have money worries. He’s carrying everything on his shoulders to save me from worrying about it. I hate it... We’ve always promised each other we’d talk our issues through but Simon seems to have forgotten that. He doesn’t think I see him sinking into a depression I know he’s never going to be able to claw his way out of, if I don’t say something now, he’s going to sink even deeper and be suffocated by all this, and I refuse to lose him to this.

  I move across the room stepping lightly until I reach him and gently take Charlotte from him placing her down in the cot. I run my palm across her brow, soothing her until she settles back down then pull the blankets up to her chin, tucking her in. Turning back to Simon I softly kiss his cheek bending over the chair.

  “Simon, wake up babe.” I whisper softly, my lips against his cold cheek. His eyes slowly flicker open until they’re focusing on me. “Come back to bed.”

  He looks around him for a second obviously to get his bearings until they fall on the cot at the side of him. When he sees Charlotte sleeping soundly in her cot, he turns back to me, gives me a soft smile, and stands. With a yawn he runs a hand through his hair until it’s sticking up all over. A grin pulling at my lips, then I take his hand and lead him back to our bed; snuggling up to each other just like we used to.

  It’s quieter than normal the next morning. Charlotte is still asleep in her cot and Benjamin is eating his coco pops cereal. I make us both a coffee and place Simon’s down on the table in front of him, while he scrolls through his phone, not acknowledging anything around him. I can’t stand this anymore, and after last night, we really need to talk.

  “How did you sleep after you went back to bed?”

  He glances up but doesn’t answer or look at me properly.

  “Simon, what’s wrong? Please don’t say nothing, because I know there is.”

  Pulling out the chair next to him, I sit down taking his hand in mine.

  “How’s work?”

  I start with the easiest question that comes to mind. His teeth grind as a deep frown sets into his forehead, like he doesn’t know how to answer me.

  “I’m sorry, Evie.” He clutches both of my hands in his bringing them to his lips and kissing my knuckle, now I know there’s something seriously wrong. “I’m so sorry…” he pulls in a breath before speaking again, “I lost my job.”

  “What, how?”

  “The company have gone into liquidation, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to get paid either. The company owe too much, I’ve tried everything I can think of… the bank won’t lend us a penny. The dole office may as well have said get stuffed. I’ve tried everything.”

  “Oh Simon, what are we going to do?”

  “I don’t know, we’re thousands of pounds in debt. We’re gonna lose everything.” My hands fly above my head in a stand of desperation. “We’re behind with the mortgage, the council tax and we owe thousands on credit cards. I don’t know what else to do…” shrugs Simon, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. I watch as Simon drops his face into the palms of his hands. “What are we going to do? This is my fault.”

  “It’s not your fault you lost your job, Simon. It's just purely bad luck. Why didn’t you just tell me? I can go back to work, I know it’s not much, but at least it’s something.”

  The country has been stuck in this bloody recession for a while now and nothing seems to be changing. The rich are getting richer and the poorer are getting much poorer and there’s nothing we can do about it.

  “We’ll get through this Simon, I promise, but you have to talk to me... promise to talk to me from now on?”

  Cupping my face in his hands he nods and places his lips on mine.

  “I don’t know how to get us out of this.”

  “Let me help. I can go back to work part-time. We’ll survive.”

  A look of trepidation crosses his handsome face, but I stay positive, someone has to be right now…

  “No Evie. I can’t ask you to do that, to give your time with the kids. You said you wanted to be a stay-at-home mum until they went to school, and that’s what you’ll do.”

  “I know what I said, but if it helps then I’ll go to work just two or three days a week…”

  “Then we’ll have to find childcare, another expense we really can’t afford.”

  “Okay then, fine. I was just trying to help.” I appease him.

  He brings our faces together and kisses me again.

  “I’ll get us out of this.”

  Nodding with a small smile for my proud husband I stand from the chair and clean up from breakfast.

  Little did we realise things were about to get much worse.

  Chapter Four

  Simon

  I’ve had weeks of trawling around with my curriculum vitae looking for work, but every day I get either a door slammed in my face or ‘we’re not looking for staff, try again in a few months.’

  It’s Christmas soon, I can’t even afford to buy my kids presents. Until now I’ve managed to pay the mortgage a little something just to keep them off my back - now though, I’m at my wits end. If this is what rock bottom feels like then I never want to be here again. Right now, I can’t see a way out of the dark tunnel of debt I’m spiralling down. My world is crashing down around me and I don’t have the energy to stop it, I’m not sure if I even want to anymore.

  I walk in from looking for work and find Evie on the couch crying.

  “Evie? What's happened baby?”

  She turns her reddened face to look over her shoulder and holds out a letter. Walking further into the room I go around the couch and sit down next to her, taking the letter from her fingers and opening it out.

  The heading catches my attention first, it’s a letter from my mortgage provider.

  FAILURE TO KEEP UP MORTGAGE REPAYMENTS.

  I scan over the words on the letter until I see the next line that stands out…

  NOTICE OF COURT PROCEEDINGS...

  “Oh shit.” Running my hands through my hair, I tug at the strands hoping it would take some tension from me, but it’s no good.

  “You know Simon, we were slipping into this rabbit hole a long time ago, but because of your bloody pride we’re going to lose our home. I said I’d go to work again. I could have sorted out childcare but no that was too easy, you had to do it yourself.”

  Evie snatches the letter from my fingers and folds it up sliding it into her back pocket as she wipes the tears from her face, standing tall and takes control.

  “I’ll sort this out shall I. You and your bloody stupid, male pride is going to see us put out on the streets.”

  She storms away slamming the door shut behind her leaving me to feel even more like shit than I already did before. I understand she’s angry, I think she’s more angry at me than the situation and I can’t say I blame her. The deep sense of guilt that’s running rampant through my head is crucifying me. What have I done to my family?

  Why didn’t I tell her? She’s my wife, my soul. Right now, I have no soul, it’s dead. The life has been drained from me and all that’s left is a shell. When you speak about these kind of things to others who have never been in your shoes, all you hear is, ‘things will get better,’ but when? When will things get better? Why us? Why do we have to have these problems. I’m a good man. I’ve worked all my life, paid my bills unti
l now of course...

  When did everything start to crumble?

  I don’t even know anymore.

  The door opens to Evie with Charlotte in her arms.

  “I’m going to my mums to drop off Charlotte and Ben, then I’ll be back and we’ll see if we can get something sorted out.”

  Nodding at my red faced, but gorgeous wife, she turns away with an overnight bag for the kids and Ben runs to me for a hug. I swoop him up into my arms and give him the biggest cuddle and kiss his head, before putting him down and watch him run back to his mummy

  She spins away to leave with the kids but I stop her.

  “Evie,” standing dead still and turning her head slightly to the side she waits.

  “I love you.”

  Her eyes close on a sigh, but she says nothing back, instead she grabs Ben hand and leads him out to the car with Charlotte in her arms.

  Evie

  I’m so angry right now my body is shaking. What was he thinking trying to keep it all to himself? Does he not trust me enough to confide in? I’m his wife. The woman he should turn to. We’re not just married - we’re best friends. Since the day we met we’ve been inseparable. I feel like I don’t know him anymore; that’s not my Simon.

  Not long after I pull up on mum’s driveway and grab the kids from the car.

  “Benji, go knock on nanny’s door, sweetheart.”

  Dropping my hand, he runs down the path and lifts the letterbox, before dropping it again letting it shut with a loud bang. I get Charlotte comfy in my arm and grab their bag when I hear mums voice.

  “Hello my little man, go on in to grandad.” I hear the scrape of her slippers along the concrete of the slabs as she walks over to me. “Can I help?”

  As soon as I hear the softness of mums voice it’s like a tap has been turned on and tears fill my eyes. I can’t stop the emotions as I pass over Charlotte then wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

  “Come on let’s get you a cuppa and you can tell me what’s going on.”

  With the overnight bag in my hand, I shut the car door, lock it behind me and follow mum into the house. Benji is sitting in his grandads lap playing with him when I enter the room. So, mum lies Charlotte on the couch, surrounding her by cushions so she doesn’t roll off then takes me off into the kitchen pushing the door to.

  Switching on the kettle and preparing three cups for us, she makes me sit on the stool at the breakfast bar and explain to her why I’m so upset. I was hoping to keep them out of this. They’d only worry and that’s the last thing I want

  Once I’m done, she looks so disappointed in Simon, but I try to defend him and tell her it’s not all his fault. Instead she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me closer to her. That one single act makes me cry like I’m a child again. I didn’t realise I’d been holding so much back. I know he only admitted things today, but I’ve had an idea something was wrong for a while now. I know he thinks he can keep secrets from me, but he’s hugely mistaken. The only piece of information that did come as a shock to me was his job. How could he not tell me...?

  At least if I cry here, I can’t make him feel more guilty.

  “I was so hard on him mum. I don’t even think it’s the fact that we could lose everything right now - it’s more because he lied to me. I have no clue how to handle that.”

  “Sweetheart, I’m not sure how we can help you two? We don’t have the kind of money to get you out of this…”

  “Mum,” I cut her off, “I don’t want your money, I know you haven’t got it. I’m not even sure if the amount he told me is the accurate amount. Or if he’s lied about that too, but we may need a place to stay if the worst case scenario happens.”

  “How do you think Simon will feel about that?”

  “I don’t think he has much choice, do you?” A heavy huff of breath leaves me before going on. “Could you have the kids overnight for me?”

  “Of course, is everything in the bag?”

  “Yeah, I need to talk with Simon. We need to decide what’s the best thing to do from here. Do we cut all ties and give up the house and go bankrupt? Or do we see this through?”

  “Drink your tea then go home and speak to Simon. That’s all you to think about now. The kids will be fine with us.”

  I love my mum and dad so much. They’ve always been the supportive parents. The kind to talk stuff through, but then I was never a problem child - I suppose that helps. I nod in agreement, drink the dregs of my tea, and give her a hug. Next, I kiss both of the kids and my dad’s cheek. Dad puts Benji to the floor and stands up, looking down at me.

  “Come here.”

  He wraps me up in one of his bear hugs, the kind that always made me feel safe when I was younger. With a teary smile I thank him, turn away and leave through the front door and leave mum to explain what’s going on.

  I sit in the car on the drive for longer than I should, wasting time and putting off our talk for a little longer. When I see mum at the side window watching me, I lift up my hand in a wave and start the engine reversing from the drive and setting off back home.

  Chapter Five

  Simon

  What did I think I was doing by not telling her. What could I possibly achieve? Well I think everyone knows the answer to that - nothing. I’ve fucked everything up. When Evie walked out that door that day, I saw the disappointment deep in her dark, sad eyes. I know I put that there, never in our lives together have I seen that look; this is all my fault. We wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for me? I start to wonder if she and the kids would be better off without me. I can’t see my place in the world without my beloved Evie by my side though. She’s my strength, my guide.

  ‘Then why the fuck didn’t you tell her, moron.’

  That loud, condescending voice that resides in my head berates me and makes me feel like a bigger arsehole than I did before.

  After spending months searching for work and I’ve come up with nothing. I’m not the only one in this position, I know that. This recession that the country is in at the moment has ruined everyone, but everyone isn’t my family. I can’t speak for them, only how I feel and how it’s affected us. It’s made me feel like I can’t provide for them. I’m a failure, a useless husband and father. Once the money had ran out, the benefits office send me a little once a fortnight but I only get it if I can prove I’ve been looking for work, just like the woman said, but it doesn’t go far at all. The only other money we have is tax credits for the kids and that’s not much either. With Charlotte still being a baby, the cost just for her is sky high.

  We weren’t sure what our options actually were when we sat down to talk that night, but the first thing Evie did was to make it clear was that she was going back to work. No more discussion, I didn’t have a say in the matter; she wouldn’t even let me have an opinion about it… Instead she informed me that if I’d told her what was happening beforehand, we could have at least had a sporting chance. Now though things have got that bad that we’re on the verge of losing our house. Everything we worked to get is swilling down the plug hole before our very eyes.

  There’s bailiffs knocking the door at least three times a week. Red letters dropping on the mat to the point that I dread the postman coming. Evie going back to work is barely putting a hole in the debts because they’ve gotten so bad. So, she’s given up her quality time with the kids for nothing. The guilt eats away at me like some flesh-eating parasite, she shouldn’t be the one to get us out of this mess.

  “Are you ready to go?” Evie crosses the room until she’s standing right in front of me. She straightens up my tie and kisses my cheek in a gentle show of affection.

  Cupping her face in my hands I bring her closer to me.

  “Whatever happens today, just remember I love you, and I’m so sorry for all this mess.”

  The tips of our noses touch in a soft caress.

  “I love you too.” Evie mumbles against my lips.


  It’s a quiet drive to the court, both of us stuck in our own thoughts. Both of us terrified of what today will bring. By the end of all this, my family could well be out on the street.

  Locking the car behind us, we walk into the lobby of the court to be greeted by a lawyer from the mortgage firm.

  “Mr and Mrs Hughes. Sorry to be meeting you in these circumstances.” He shakes both of our hands and tries his hardest to keep us calm and collected.

  He talks to us for a good ten minutes, going through everything. Our debt, repayments if the judge was to give us a chance. How we’d make the repayments with me still being out of work. I have no answer for him; we only have one wage coming in and we pay out more than we have coming in already. Just from the look on the lawyers face, I know today isn’t looking good. The luck fairy has definitely not been in our corner for a long time now.

  “Mr Hughes? How would you feel if your home gets repossessed today?”

  “How do you think I’ll feel? My family will have nothing left”

  “Honestly?” Evie it’s in and speaks up for the both of us sighing… “I think I’d be relieved. I can’t take the constant stressing and worrying.”

  I look across at my wife with what must be a look of disbelief, making me wonder what she’s saying.”

  “She’s just upset.” I confide in the lawyer, but the evil eyes from the side of me are burning through my skull.

  “Can you give us a minute please?” I ask the lawyer politely.

  “Of course.” With a sympathetic smile he stands from the row of chairs and I watch him disappear into the courtroom, before turning back to my wife.

  “What are you saying? You’ve just told the lawyer that’s acting on the mortgage company’s behalf that you don’t care if you lose the house… did you mean that?”