by C A Jonelle
His head lifts up, his eyes filled with need. I kneel between his legs and skim my fingertip up his long shaft and then around the head. Air hisses through his teeth. “You like that?” Before he can answer I wrap my lips around the head and flick the tip with my tongue. His breath catches and I take him further into my mouth.
“Yes, Lyndsay,” he breathes, his hands fisting in my hair.
I take him in until he hits the back of my throat and glide the tip of my tongue along the underside of his shaft as I go back up, my tongue putting pressure on different areas each time.
“Fuck.” His breathing is ragged and heavy. He grabs me under my armpits and lifts me up to his mouth for a long kiss. When we part his lips curl up. “Your turn. Then I’m going to fuck you until you beg for mercy.” He flips me onto my back and I giggle. “You know what that giggle does to me,” he growls in my ear. I giggle again and he nips my earlobe. I gasp and I can feel him smile against my neck as he licks and nips his way to my collarbone.
“I want to taste you … all of you, again and again, until you beg me to stop,” he whispers as he slowly peels my jeans from my body.
He crawls between my legs and skims the inner part of one of my thighs with his tongue as he inches forward. I close my eyes and moan loudly.
He props himself up on his hands and hovers over me. “Look at me Lyndsay.” His voice is low and deep.
I open my eyes and gaze into his. The need. The longing. It’s all there. Then there it is. My body tenses up and the look he just had is gone in an instant. It’s replaced by anger, confusion, and pain. His brow wrinkles as he shuffles off me. He leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees.
“Why’d you stop?” I sit up and rub his back.
“You tensed up. Not only could I feel it, but your face had it written all over it.”
“Oh.” I slouch. Way to go … again.
“I’ve always been afraid of being happy. It seems like something always comes along to fuck it all up.” He glances back to make sure I’m listening. “You do something to me - something to my soul. You make me feel so happy that I forget the chaos of my life.” He straightens and kisses me. “You make me feel human again. Please tell me you’ll stay.” His forehead presses against mine and his eyes close. “I love you.”
The words have escaped me and I feel panicked. I’ve said them before so why is this so hard? Tell him, Lyndsay. Tell him you love him for crying out loud. Oh god, please don’t break his heart. He’s been through enough.
“Lyndsay?” The concern in his voice makes me look into his eyes. Confusion lurks in them.
“I …” Nothing.
“Shit,” he says, leaving the space beside me. He walks to his closet and removes a pair of dark jeans and a red T-shirt.
“Zaryk, I …”
He puts a hand up without turning around. “Save it, Lyndsay.” He dresses and then turns to face me.
My eyes move over his body. That broad chest, six pack abs, and that V, oh my God, that V. Those jeans hang just right on those narrow hips of his. He’s so goddamn perfect. So why the hell can’t I tell him how I feel?
He sighs and puts his shirt on. “I’m good for sex. Is that it? You keep coming back for that with no problem. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but dammit, I’m fucking done with it.” He leaves, slamming the door behind him.
******
Loud laughter assaults my ears when I reach the top of the stairs. The sun is beginning to set so all the fun is about to begin. I reach the bottom and Zayne runs over and wraps his arm around me. He’s been drinking quite a bit already. Tequila. Nice. He’s going to feel good tomorrow. I laugh to myself.
“There’s the stud! Finally coming down to join the party?” He glances behind me. “Where’s Lynds?”
“Probably trying to figure out why she keeps fucking me over.” I mumble the words.
His arm drops. “Oh … well … shit.” He’s quiet for a moment and then perks up. “Come out to Riot with us. We’re leaving in a few. Maybe you can find a nice piece of ass.” He slaps a hand on my back, causing me to lurch forward. Good grief. He’s working out more than he says he is.
“Yeah, I’ll go. I don’t want to sit here all night.” I traipse into the kitchen and Kreed presses a shot glass into my hand.
He fills it with tequila. “It’ll calm your nerves. They look a little shot.”
I shrug and tip the gold liquid into my mouth, closing my eyes as the burn travels down my throat and into my stomach, warming me.
“There you are!” Jessica shouts.
I direct my attention behind me and see Lyndsay’s sweet face. My heart sinks into the pit of my stomach. I’ll never be able to move on without her. Sure, I loved Kendall, but it was nothing like what I feel for Lyndsay.
“Pass me that bottle of vodka behind you, would you please?” Deklan eyes me speculatively and reluctantly hands it over. “Thanks.” I meander into the dining area and drop down onto the couch. Amberlynn is sprawled out across from me, reading on her Kindle. She jumps when I flop down.
“Hey, Zaryk, why …” She frowns when she notices my sullen expression. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I shrug and take a long pull of the vodka.
Amberlynn scowls as she jumps up from the couch and stomps toward Lyndsay. “What did you do now?" The front door slams as they disappear outside.
I take another long drag of the vodka. “Easy there, Z. You have to stop resorting to liquor to ease the pain.” Zayden pushes the bottle down so I stop chugging and he takes a seat next to me.
“What’s going on?”
I roll my eyes. “Ask the queen of seduction and fuckery.”
Zayden groans and rubs his face with his hand. “Again? Why do you continue to pursue her?”
“Because there’s something that’s making her hold back and I intend on finding out what it fucking is.” I take another long drink.
“Take it easy, will ya?” Zayne snatches the bottle out of my mouth and sets it on the other side of him. “I refuse to peel you off the floor tonight.”
I reach over his lap, swipe the bottle, and twist the cap back on. “When are we leaving?” I ask.
“Whenever you’re ready, man,” Kreed says.
I stand and stretch. “I’ll go fix the hawk and throw on a better shirt.”
I walk past the door just as the girls are bursting back inside. I hear Amberlynn ask Lyndsay if she wants to come to Riot. When Lyndsay says yes, I suddenly want to stay home. I can’t seem to get away from her. Why the fuck does she keep showing up in the places I’m at or will be? Why can’t I make her mine?
I hurry back to my room. I look myself over in my bathroom mirror and touch up my mohawk. I go back to my closet and take a plain black button down shirt off a hanger. That’ll do. I throw it on and all the guys pile into Kreed’s Hummer, while the girls group up in Amberlynn’s Escape. At least I’m not stuck in a car with her. I need to get away and so does she. Her mind is a jumbled mess and I can’t fix it. As much as I want to just shake her, and tell her over and over that she’s safe with me, I can’t.
Riot is packed. After signing a few autographs and posing for some photos, we ready ourselves for a good night out. Zayne and Kreed head off in one direction and Deklan, Zayden, and the girls start off toward our favorite corner booth.
“I’ll meet up with you guys in a few,” I tell them.
Lyndsay opens her mouth and closes it quickly. I don’t want to hear what she has to say anyway. I make my way to the bar and sit on an empty stool. Grabbing the cute bartender’s attention, I order a soda and ask her to pour in extra vodka. She smiles sweetly and does as I ask.
“Thanks, love.” I drink down half of it and look around the club. I lift the glass to take another drink.
“Hi, Zaryk.”
I almost choke.
“You should stop drinking.” Kendall’s voice sounds caring, but I don’t give a flying fuck.
“Yeah, well, m
y life is none of your business anymore, Kendall. What do you want? I have nothing left for you to damage.” She sits on the empty stool next to me. The music hasn’t cranked up yet, so it’s perfect talking time.
“I saw you walk in and … I just wanted to make sure you were okay, after what happened and all.” She looks at her hands.
“Aw, ain’t that sweet,” I say. “Fuck you, Kendall.” I glare at her and her body flinches at my response. I’m beyond pissed at her. What the hell is she thinking?
“I’m sorry, Zaryk. I really am. Seth …” She stops and her body tenses up. Her gaze is trained behind me.
I twist my head back to see Seth standing there. “Fuck me,” I whisper and look back at my drink. I finish it, and slam the glass on the bar before standing up to face the giant asshole.
“Where’s my money?” His low, gruff voice is intimidating but I hold my own. I refuse to let this idiot get to me. He can buy his drugs with someone else’s cash.
“It’s in my bank account where it belongs. So much for your brilliant idea, and if it wasn’t for Kendall you’d be sitting in jail where you fucking belong.” I shove my hands in my front pockets to keep my fists from connecting with his face.
Seth tips his head back and laughs. “April fools! You really thought she was pregnant. That’s fucking hilarious!” He points a finger in my face.
I knock it away, tilt my head to the side and lift an eyebrow. What? He’s not making any sense. “It’s not April you jackass.” I mutter. He has to be hopped up on something other than coke this time.
The darkness fills his eyes when he looks at me again. “Watch it freak. I’ll pound the fuck out of you.”
I palm my hands in front of me like I’m begging. “Oh, please do, because I deserve to get my ass kicked by some oversized drug addict who’s fucking up my life and the life of someone who doesn’t deserve it.” I shove him in the chest and my voice rises with each word. I glance over at Kendall and point a finger in her direction, “That doesn’t mean I still love you.” Her smile quickly disappears. I definitely don’t need her thinking that I’d take her back. Not in this lifetime.
Seth shoves me back against the bar. I’m not in the mood to deal with this crap. He gets close to my face. “What the fuck’s wrong with you, Seth?”
“Give me the money.”
“Why? For drugs?”
He doesn’t answer.
I touch my nose to his. “Fuck … you …”
He shoves me back against the bar again and my temper flares. My fist flies up and locks with his jaw, forcing him to stumble back into a table, knocking drinks over.
“Stop it!” Kendall shrieks.
Seth regains control and throws his fist in my direction, making contact with the side of my face. Arms wrap around my body before I make a huge mistake.
“Goddammit, Z, what the hell has gotten into you?” Kreed says while he and Zayden hold me back. Deklan and Zayne have Seth on his knees, writhing in pain as they bend his arms back. A baggie of white powder has fallen out onto the floor.
“Fucking let me go, man.” I break free and stalk to the exit. I wish Seth would fucking disappear. Kendall calls after me and I ignore her as I stomp out the door. I’m so fucking sick of those two.
“Zaryk!” Kendall’s voice echoes in the night air.
I stop midway through the parking lot and my shoulders rise and fall. She’s in front of me when I turn around. Police cars pull up to the door and I groan. “For fuck’s sake.”
I slide past Kendall to go back inside, but stop when I see them leading Seth out in cuffs. One of the officers is holding the baggie. I sigh in relief.
“Oh God.” Kendall’s voice wavers. “No, no, no!”
I roll my eyes and turn back to her, gripping each shoulder, and bring my face down to hers. “Stop it! You don’t need him!” I say louder than I intended to.
Defeat falls across her face. “Zaryk, I’m so sorry for hurting you as bad as I have. I know you can never forgive me, especially for destroying your guitar.” She looks down. “I’m sorry I sold the ring.”
I cringe at the vision of my shattered guitar. “You destroyed a big part of me Kendall. That guitar was more than just a guitar to me. That was the last piece of Zoey I had left. Something I can never get back.” My heart fills with that familiar pain I’ve felt for years and my temper boils up again. “Fuck the goddamn ring. I don’t care about that. You could have thrown that into the river for all I care. But my guitar? That was beyond low.” Turning away from her, I take a deep breath in and let it out. The urge to scream, yell, punch, and kick beckons me.
“Could you ever love me again, Zaryk?” she asks quietly.
I stare at her in disbelief. Her mascara has blackened her cheeks and her lips are trembling. Sure, I still care about her, but do I love her? No. I can’t love her anymore. I cherished her when we were together. She fucked me over worse than any woman ever has. And even though Lyndsay is being a goddamn pain in my ass right now, my heart is in her hands and that’s where I want it to stay.
“No. I don’t love you anymore. How could I ever possibly love you again? I care about your well-being, that’s it. Now that Seth is finally where he belongs, you can get the help you need and get back to being your old self. You’ve become a completely different person, Kendall, and I fucking hate you for it.”
She hunches forward. A tear drips from her face and splashes on the dry, black concrete below our feet. I look toward the darkened sky. “You fucking owe me.” Wrapping my arms around Kendall, I pull her against me. As much as I despise her, I can’t let myself be so heartless.
“I’m so sorry, Zaryk.” She nuzzles her face against my chest.
“I know the real Kendall is sorry, but who the hell was the Kendall I saw earlier at the house?” She pulls back and wipes her tear-streaked face with the backs of her hands. Her gaze is fixed on the asphalt. I crook my finger under her chin and bring her eyes to mine. “Tell me why, Kendall. Why did you run off with Seth?”
“He paid attention to me. I don’t know. Next to your band, I felt like nothing. The band, your guitar … it seemed like those meant more to you than I did.”
My heart twists into a tight knot. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“How could I?” Her hands fly up and then back down in exasperation. “Every time I turned around you were strumming chords, thinking up lyrics, talking to one of your band-mates about the album and the tour. You loved your music, not me. I needed to feel loved. I wanted what you wouldn’t give to me so, like a fool, I went and looked for it elsewhere. We lost our spark, you and I. He ignited it in me again.”
I can feel my anger rise again. She thinks I replaced her with my music? I gave her the fucking world and she pushed me away every goddamn time I came near her. For some fucking reason, I still loved her when she did it too. Boy, was I a damn moron.
“This is bullshit, Kendall. Every time I tried touching you, or even kiss you, you would turn away. Well, except for that one night before the tour. But that was plain weakness on my part. I chalked your mood swings up as being stress about the wedding and left it alone. Instead, you were fucking someone who used to be one of my best friends, and look what he did to you!”
Her nostrils flair in anger. Here it comes - Kendall’s wrath, her tornado of loathing and verbal abuse. I brace myself for any blows that are about to come in my direction.
“I never loved you, Zaryk! Never! I was addicted to coke before I even met Seth and I needed your money to get it for me! So, there you go! I used you for money and that’s all you were good for! Lyndsay will use you too. That bitch doesn’t have a clue what she wants.”
“You’re a goddamn whore, Kendall. A real fucking bitch. Rot in hell for all I care.” I turn to make my way back to the building before I really lose it.
Her fingers wrap around my forearm pulling me back, her lips crash into mine. I shove her away from me. When I glance at the door I see Lyndsay walking back inside. S
he has impeccable timing.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucked up now?”
Kendall just laughs - a sort of maniacal laugh that creeps me the fuck out.
“Get your shit together for Christ’s sake. I’m calling you a cab so you can go home.” I head back to the building, leaving her out in the parking lot. Before I go inside, I pull my phone out and call her a cab. She doesn’t need to be hurting anybody else tonight.
~ Twenty ~
Lyndsay
I flop down into the booth.
“Yikes, Lyndsay. What happened?” Jessica slides over next to me.
I just sit there. I shouldn’t have gone outside to check on Zaryk. “I saw Zaryk and Kendall kissing out in the parking lot.” My heart squeezes and tears sting my eyes.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Amberlynn gets up just as he walks back into the building. She marches right up to him.
“Well, so much for a fun night.” Jessica groans and rests her elbows on the table. She places her chin on her knuckles. “Was he like, practically humping her or just kissing her?”
“I don’t know. They were just kissing, but who knows how far it was going to go.” I lay my head back against the top of the booth. Ugh. I knew he still loved her. I just knew it. I feel like a damn fool to think he could love me and only me. He’s a rock God now. He’s got plenty of ladies who want him.
“You know that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe he just got caught up in the moment or maybe she kissed him. You have to talk to him Lyndsay. He’s not going to go back to her. I’ve known Zaryk for quite a few years and he’s a sweet and vulnerable guy. I mean, seriously, he watched his sister, who was his best friend, die and when he and Kendall split, it tore him in two - he sunk even further. He gave the bitch the world and look what she’s done to him. You can’t let a moment of weakness on his part define what you two have. Well, what you could have anyway. You keep running out on the poor guy. He adores you. He loves you, Lynds. You are sending him some serious mixed signals and it’s wrong, so wrong. Call Zayne if you want a booty call. Zaryk’s the sweet, sensitive type and you’re playing a cruel game with him, girl.” Jessica takes a long swallow from her drink.