by C A Jonelle
I trudge to the edge of my bed, sit down and drop my head into my hands. Lyndsay peeks in. I motion for her to come in. I could definitely use her company right now. She sits beside me.
“I’m sorry for ignoring you down there,” I say.
She rubs my back. “It’s okay. I was going to leave you alone, but I was too worried.”
I reach around her and press the side of her head against my lips, letting her linger there for a moment, and breathing in the sweet scent of her hair. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what?” She leans back, surveying my face.
“For not giving up on me.” I thread my fingers through her hair, stopping at her neck, and lightly caressing the soft skin there.
She smiles. “Thank you for putting up with my stubborn ass.”
I chuckle. “You’re worth it, love.” I skim her bottom lip with my thumb and then gently kiss her. I need to forget about everything else and she helps me with just that. I focus on her and only her.
Pure need pulses through me and I push harder against her lips, attacking them with absolute greed. When I break our kiss, both of us are panting. We stare intently into each other’s eyes. This woman makes me lose all control. I love everything about her, and I mean everything.
Her brow furrows. “What’re you thinking about?”
With a slight curl of my lips, I gently stroke the side of her face. “Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life.”
I need to feel human. I need to feel real. I need to feel true love. The love I feel for Lyndsay is what I need. Everything is right when I’m with her. My heart beats frantically when she’s around. She breathes life into me with every kiss. Fuck. Me. I want to see that gorgeous face of hers when she comes again and again from my touch and maybe …
Mischief fills me. I know what I want. Laying her down, I slide her jeans and panties down her legs, and throw them on the floor. Next, her shirt and bra. Her beautiful naked flesh is before me and I’m in awe.
I put my lips to her ear. “Show me how you want to be touched, Lyndsay.”
Baffled, she looks at me. “What?” she squeaks out.
I kiss her lips. “Show me,” her neck, “how,” her collarbone, “you,” I lick up the side of her neck and back to her ear, “want to be touched.” I whisper and feel her whole body tremble in response.
“I don’t know if I can.”
I slide my hand down her body until I reach her slick heat. I circle my finger around her clit and her hips rise.
“Zaryk, please …”
“Show me, Lyndsay,” I remove my hand and she whimpers.
I shift beside her and watch her timid hand slowly move down her body. She pauses when she reaches her sex.
“Keep going,” I command.
She takes a deep, shaky breath and slides her hand inside her glistening lips. My breath catches when she begins to massage her clit with her middle finger. The sight of her pleasuring herself is amazing. Her body begins to writhe in bliss and my breathing picks up as I watch her.
Little moans leave her lips. I didn’t think it was possible, but my dick becomes harder. I shift closer to her, wanting in on the action, but I stop myself.
“I want to watch you come, Lyndsay. You’re so beautiful when you come.” I kiss her lips as a sigh leaves her.
One hand is now on her breast, kneading, and pulling at her nipple. Her other hand is working her clit harder and faster. I think I might spontaneously combust. “Oh, god, I’m getting close. So close,” she breathes.
I wrap my fingers around my throbbing dick and squeeze. Shit. She’s driving me crazy right now. I lean down and take her other breast into my mouth and suck on her hardened nipple. Her breathing increases and I feel her body shake as she finds her release. I look up in time to see her back arch and that magnificent face of hers, eyes closed and mouth open in a smile as she reaches her heaven.
As soon as she moves her hand I quickly flip her onto her belly and shift in between her legs. I lift her butt, place the head of my cock at her opening and slowly slide in, her pussy still clenching. Holy shit, does it feel good. I slide out slowly and plunge back in. Her arms reach out above her head and she digs her fingers into the duvet.
“God, Zaryk! Harder! Please!”
“Yes, ma’am,” I say as I start to thrust harder and faster.
I swat her on the ass, making her cry out loudly. “Damn, Lyndsay. You feel amazing.” I lean forward and rub her clit with my thumb.
“Come for me, love,” I say, breathless. “I want to feel what I do to you when I’m inside you. When I touch you.” I skim my fingers down her spine, feeling her body quiver. “When I kiss you.” Moving her hair aside, I place my lips against the back of her neck.
“Ah, Zaryk,” she breathes out.
I pull out, causing a gasp. Turning her over, I gently rest her on her back, and position myself between her legs. “You’re so beautiful.” My lips press against hers as I slowly glide inside her again.
Her back arches and her hips rise with each thrust. “Zaryk, I love you.”
Driving into her hard and fast, I feel her begin to tighten around me. She cries out as she let’s go completely. Burying my face in the crook of her neck, I nip her shoulder, as I release inside her.
I pull out and lay beside her, panting. “There’s no way I could ever get enough of you. Ever.”
She flips herself onto her stomach and kisses the tip of my nose. Her head then falls on her folded arms in front of her. I sit up and take in her beautiful body. Her tattoos are intricate designs that spell out who she is, and what she loves.
I trace Edgar Allan Poe’s signature with my finger. “This tattoo is the sweetest tattoo I’ve ever seen. That man was a genius writer.” I bend and brush a kiss against the small of her back.
“Mmmmm,” she moans softly.
“I fucking love that sound.” I nip one of her ass cheeks. She squeals and rolls onto her back.
Her hand comes up and she flattens the palm against the side of my face. I close my eyes and bask in the softness of her skin. Life is perfect when I have her with me. She’s perfect.
“Are you going to be okay?” she asks quietly.
I slowly open my eyes and press my lips to hers. “As long as I have you, I will be.”
~ Twenty-Two ~
Zaryk
I lean against a tree in the cemetery. I’m not too close and I’m not too far and I can still hear what the pastor’s saying. With our history I just don’t feel right being close to her.
My mohawk is up and I’m wearing a black suit with a red button down shirt underneath, and a black tie. My sunglasses are shielding any tears from sight. The sun is shining on this otherwise dreary day.
My mind drifts back to seeing her peaceful, delicate face at the funeral home. I swipe a tear from my cheek. She cheated on me, busted up my guitar, and hurt me more than anyone ever has. I’m still pissed off, but my heart won’t allow me to hate her right now. I hate Seth. He did this to her. He changed her. Thank God he’s still held up in jail. Bail money hasn’t come easy for the dumbass because he’s been in trouble before. His mommy and daddy finally took the hint and left him to his own devices. They’re fed up with his shit.
My love for Kendall may have died but I can’t stop myself from still caring for her. She has a place in my heart no matter what has happened.
I watch everyone start to disperse as she’s lowered into the ground. My stomach turns as they start to move the dirt over her casket. Her mom, Linda, spots me and excuses herself. As she gets closer I notice just how much she looks like Kendall.
She smiles weakly and I wrap my arms tightly around her. She begins to cry again and I bury my nose in her short brown hair and kiss the side of her head. It kills me to see her like this.
She pulls herself away and wipes the tears off her face. “It’s so nice to see you again, Zaryk.” She cups my face with her hand.
When she takes her hand away I
look at her through the dark lenses. She reaches up and peels them off my face. I blink to adjust to the bright sunlight and force my eyes to hers. I hate it when people see me so vulnerable. It makes me feel so fucking weak.
“You were always so good to her.” She looks down at her feet. “I don’t understand why she wanted to be with Seth.” Her eyes come back to mine. They’re the same hazel color as Kendall’s; deep and mysterious. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a folded piece of paper. “I found this in her apartment. It’s a letter she wrote … to you.” I take it.
I stare down at this piece of paper like it’s a suicide note. I’m afraid to open it.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I read it. Don’t be afraid to.” She pulls a tissue from her purse and dabs at her eyes.
My eyes slowly come back to hers. “Mrs. S, I loved Kendall very much. She meant the world to me. I just wish I could have helped her. Was it an accidental or intentional overdose? Did they tell you?”
She sniffs. “They say it was accidental, but I’m not so sure. Her strength quickly depleted after she left you.”
I take her into my arms again. “Kendall was an amazing woman,” I whisper into her hair.
“She certainly was. I just wish she’d never met that man.”
“So do I.”
Stepping up on her tiptoes, she kisses each side of my face, and hands my sunglasses back. I take them and put them back on to shield my eyes. “Your parents brought you up well, Zaryk. You’ve got such a big and kind heart. Even though Kendall put you through such … hell … you still cared for her so much.”
She smiles and walks to the waiting car. I open the letter.
My Dearest Zaryk,
Words can’t express the hatred I have for myself right now. I can’t stand that I hurt you as badly as I have. Even though I’m with Seth, I still think about you - a lot. More than I probably should. I hope you think of me too, but after what I did I’m sure you don’t.
You’re such an amazing man, Zaryk. You deserve much better than me.
I can’t stop thinking about our first time together. That day I ran into you ended up being the best day of my life. Sometimes if I close my eyes and think back to that day I can still feel your hands and lips on my body.
The night you proposed, you made me the happiest woman alive. I was going to marry my long time crush and live happily ever after.
Then … I fucked everything up. I can’t explain why I did what I did. Many nights I sit here with regret in my heart. I miss you more than anything. You were the best thing to ever happen to me and like an idiot I screwed up. I only hope in time you’ll forgive me.
I love you Zaryk. I always will. More than you will ever know. I can’t tell you to your face because I’m just so embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I hope you read this instead of throwing it away. I’ll never forget about you and I’ll never stop loving you. Please take care of yourself and the woman you do end up marrying. She’ll be a very lucky lady to have you in her life. I hope she realizes that. I wish I had.
Love Always and Forever,
Kendall
I fold the letter up and shove it in my back pocket. I look toward the grave. The crew’s covered her with the last of the broken earth and left. I walk over to the mound and kneel down.
Seth must have had some tight hold on her. I wonder if she would have come back to me. A sense of longing washes over me. A longing to hold her, kiss her, and make her feel like the most important woman in the world. Realization runs through me. I do still love her. She hurt me in the worst ways and I still love her.
******
Lyndsay
Zaryk’s room is so peaceful. The reading net is absolutely amazing. I finish the chapter I’m reading in a book I plucked from one of his shelves and sigh. I could lie up here forever.
I glance over at the clock by his bed. It’s just after four in the afternoon; the funeral was at 11:00. I wonder what’s taking him so long to come home.
Just as I’m about to continue reading, the bedroom door opens and he slips inside. He shuts the door and treads slowly to his bed. He looks so handsome all dressed up. I watch as he pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and tosses it onto the pillow. He falls backward onto the soft mattress and stares at the ceiling. He looks completely drained.
I slowly make my way to solid ground and start down the steps. Curiosity fills me when he picks up the folded paper and holds it to his chest.
“Zaryk?”
He jumps off the bed as if it were on fire. He rubs the back of his neck like he’s nervous. “I didn’t see you up there.”
“You okay?”
“Y-yeah. It was just tougher than I thought it was going to be.” He puts the paper back in his pocket.
“What’s that?”
He pulls it back out and sits on the edge of his bed. “It’s, um, a letter Kendall wrote to me. Her mom gave it to me before they left the cemetery.” He holds it out to me and, thank you curious mind, I take it.
I open it and read it. My heart lurches into my throat and I clumsily sit beside him. “She still loved you.” I fold it back up and lay it between us on the bed. “You still love her.”
He looks at the floor. The silence between us speaks volumes. He can’t give me his whole heart if he can’t let go of hers. His gaze shifts to me. When I don’t look at him he tucks two fingers under my chin and forces me to look up. “I love you.”
I can’t see his eyes because of the sunglasses so I can’t tell if he’s telling me the truth now.
“You can’t fully love me if you still love her.”
He stands, takes his sunglasses off, and slings them onto his bed. “That woman they put six feet in the ground today was someone I was going to marry at one point.” His voice is loud and I wince. “I know I should hate her, but today I can’t bring myself to feel an ounce of loathing toward her. I’d be fucking lying to myself if I said I hated her right now. She hurt me, yes. There’s no doubt about that. I still care about her as a friend, and I still love her, but not as deeply as I used to.” He drops to his knees in front of me and takes my hand in his. “Kendall was a big part of my past. She was the love of my life for a couple of short years, but she was one of my friends first. Yes, I do still love her. I realized that today. I can’t stop loving someone like that in a day, a week, a month, or hell, maybe even a year. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love someone else.” He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear. “You’re the one I can’t live without. You’re the one I love. The love I feel for Kendall is different. It’s not like the love I feel for you.”
Sitting beside me again, he takes my face in his hands, forcing my eyes to his. “Where’s this coming from? These trust issues are extreme, Lyndsay. Especially if you’re going to be jealous over a woman who isn’t even physically here anymore. Tell me what’s got you so scared of me. Please.”
“Corbin cheated on me. He was in a band. I caught him, in his room, with his ex, and she was pregnant with his kid at the time. I felt so stupid and used. And then all of this stuff with Kendall came up and it was Corbin all over again.” I look up and he’s watching me. The concern in his eyes makes me want to melt into him. “As much as I want to be with you …”
“You’re afraid I’ll do the same thing he did.”
I nod. Zaryk pulls me into his arms and holds me tight, kissing the top of my head.
“I love you, Zaryk. More than anything. But, I think I need some time to get my head straight. I don’t want to keep stringing you along. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” I kiss him on the cheek.
Grabbing my purse, I stand and head for the door. “Maybe you’ll find someone better. Someone who isn’t going to throw a jealous fit and act like a child. I don’t deserve you. Not yet.” And with that I leave before he can say a word.
******
Zaryk
I stare at the door wishing for her to come back. Wishing. Hoping. Wishing some more. I spot a bottle
beside my night-stand. I toss the idea back and forth of chugging the hell out of it, then I pick it up.
I glance over at my desk. A black guitar case is settled on top of it. I amble over while twisting the cap off the bottle and taking a drink. God, vodka’s never tasted so good.
I set the bottle down, unbutton my suit jacket, shrug it off onto to the floor, and untuck my red button down shirt. My hands run over the smooth surface of the case. I run my fingers across the latch in the middle and flip it up, and then lift the lid. My breath catches when I see the beauty inside.
A brand new black electric guitar stares up at me. A flash of gold draws my attention to the corner. Zoey’s name glistens in the familiar gold script from my old guitar. I look closer and realize it’s the actual piece.
I lift the gorgeous instrument out of the case and settle the strap around my neck. I plug her into my amp and strum a few chords. “God, that sounds beautiful,” I whisper and begin to play random songs that pop into my head. Before I know it, the sun’s gone.
The sound of a throat clearing interrupts me and I spin around. Zayden and Zayne stand in the doorway.
“You okay, Z?” Zayden asks.
I prop the guitar against the amp, running my fingers down its neck, and turn to my brothers.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I flash a weak smile and they look at me as if I’m a liar. “Really guys, I’ll be okay.” They exchange looks and shake their heads. I roll my eyes and look down at my new guitar again.
“Pretty impressive isn’t it? Lyndsay had Joe put it together. He’s got some serious talent.” Zayne bends down to take a closer look and his fingertips touch Zoey’s name. “That’s the piece from your old guitar.”
“It sure is impressive,” I say.
“Lyndsay seemed pretty upset earlier. What’s the deal?” Zayden asks.
I sigh. “I should probably give up on her guys. She has some issues with certain things and I guess it’s just not meant to be right now.” I shrug it off. They’re still looking at me like I’m a liar. Maybe I am. Who cares anymore?