An older man approached us and grabbed the back of Bailen’s chair. “Working hard or hardly working?” He let out a deep laugh.
Bailen whirled around in his chair and threw his arms around the man. “Ha. Working hard.” He released his tight hold and plopped in his seat again. “Welcome back, Dad. How’d your trip go?”
I could see the resemblance. They had the same oval face and wild, brown hair. His Dad’s piercing green eyes bore into me with a sense of familiarity I couldn’t place.
“As good as any trip, but it wasn’t without a small incident.”
“You scared us. I’m glad you made it back safely.”
The simple words were laced with fear. I didn’t know the specifics of his trip or the exact consequences of capture, but I knew enough about the authorities to infer what could have happened.
“You know I do my best, but there are things at stake that are more important than my life.” Bailen’s dad faced me. His features were jarring. It was like an older version of Bailen and Peyton staring at me. They all had the exact same eyes.
“And you must be Kaya.”
“Yeah, it’s nice to meet you, Mister…uh….” In that moment, I realized I didn’t know Bailen and Peyton’s last name. How little I knew about all of them was painfully brought to the surface.
“Overland, but you can call me ‘Myles.’”
“Myles, right. It’s nice to meet you.”
He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed, a gesture I was sure was meant to be soothing but didn’t manage to take away any of my pain. “I’m very sorry to hear about your brother. He was a valuable member to the team. He will be missed. We lost two great guys.”
His apology was like an asteroid collision on my chest. All the air left my lungs. “Thanks,” I muttered, not knowing the appropriate response for the situation. Was there even a good response to a statement like that? It wasn’t like words could bring Jake back.
Myles dropped his hand and sat in a chair on the other side of Bailen. “Any idea how this happened? We never miss explosives in our initial sweeps.”
“No. The intel was good—too good. The authorities showed up right after the bomb went off. Like clockwork. Something about it still doesn’t feel right.” Bailen scratched his head then returned to his computer.
My lips quivered, and my hands shook in a similar rhythm. “It’s all my fault.”
Bailen pulled me into a hug. I flinched at first but was too emotionally drained to fight it and fell into him.
“No, don’t say that. You had nothing to do with it.”
I stumbled over my words as my body quaked. “If I hadn’t come…”
I shook my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts.
“Or maybe if I’d gotten help sooner.” I squeezed my eyes shut before any tears leaked out. “If I’d noticed something was wrong…”
“Shh.” Bailen eased out of the hug and positioned himself in a manner that forced me to give him my full attention. “It’s is not your fault. You hear me?”
“It just doesn’t seem fair. You both dove to protect me, but he…” I choked on the last word “Died.” And it hung heavily in the air. Part of me wished it was Jake here now and not Bailen, but I knew that wouldn’t feel right, either. While Bailen probably only tolerated me because of his interest in my bum tracker, he didn’t deserve Jake’s fate. No one did.
I shook my head then focused on the ceiling, blinking away the tears. “I didn’t get to say goodbye.” I paused, regaining some composure. “Oh, hell! How am I going to tell my parents?”
“As soon as everything is over, we will help you tell them. I promise,” Myles said. “In the meantime, I’m concerned we have a mole.”
“A mole? Seriously?” Bailen shook his head. “We’ve been so careful. Small circles, spread-out facilities.”
“I know, but we can’t rule out the possibility.”
“You mean to tell me, my brother may have died because someone betrayed the Ghosts?” Rage bubbled inside me as they both acknowledged my worst fear. If I ever found out who, I’d make them pay.
Myles rose from his chair, his attention on Bailen. “I sent you some files to review. Let me know what you think.” He pointed to the monitor. “And if you need help with the analysis, give me a holler. I’ve got some guys coming back soon who can lend a hand.”
“Sure thing. Thanks.”
Myles walked to the far side of the room and sat down at a computer that was segregated from the main group.
Bailen leaned back in his chair and stared at me.
Why is he staring at me like that? Do I have snot on my face? I wiped my nose and cheek, but my hand came back clean. I rose from my chair, side-eying him as I stepped toward the exit. I needed some time to digest all the new information.
“Hey,” he said in a quieter tone than usual. “What do you say we get out of here tonight? Do something fun?” As he finished the question, his voice trailed off, like he’d already been rejected. “Maybe get your mind off things.”
“I don’t know. I think I’m just going to hang around here.” As much as some fresh air might be good, I didn’t have the energy to do anything. But I appreciated his attempt at misdirection.
“You want to be alone?”
I nodded, too tired to speak. He slouched into his chair. Somehow, he knew I didn’t want to talk about it. I appreciated it more than he knew. Too bad so many things brought back the pain. I wasn’t ready to go back into the world. I needed to forget that night had ever happened. The one bonus of being with the Ghosts was I could crawl into my bed and let things go on without me. I didn’t have to face reality, didn’t have to have it crammed down my throat through my tracker.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” I turned from his chair and headed out muttering, “I’ll catch you later.” But a small part of me wanted Bailen to stop me so I wouldn’t feel so alone.
Fourteen
I wove through the tunnels, lost in my thoughts. Despite wanting to crawl into bed and hide from the world, the idea of fresh air sounded better and better. When I reached the barn, I yanked open the main door and took in as much of the outside air as my lungs would allow. It was only slightly less suffocating than the Hive. But the sun was peeking through the trees, and the orange glow warmed my skin. If only it could warm my heart.
I sifted through the old, rusted equipment and broken wood at the back of the barn. In the heap of junk, I found several beat-up cans of paint. After prying open the musty cans, I grabbed a thin piece of broken board and poked through the dried top layer, hoping the paint hadn’t dried all the way through. The wood passed through and returned black from the paint below. I did the same for the white and red. Both of those were good as well.
Shoving a rusted barrel aside, I uncovered a couple of crusty paintbrushes lodged underneath some rotting boxes. The broken bristles were far from perfect, but the brushes would work.
I outlined an intricate pattern on the barn wall in black. I wasn’t sure what it was. My hand flowed through the brush strokes. After a while, a pattern emerged. When I got bored with my doodles, I headed for the opposite wall, but the silver gleam of Jake’s bike called to me.
I sat on the ground facing the front of the bike and outlined a shape in white. Adding in some black for contrast and shading, the Ghost symbol of a skull took form. My hand moved in large brush strokes on either side of the skull. When I finished with the black and white, I picked up a clean brush and dipped it in the red paint. After a few quick strokes, I leaned back to admire my work. Two large, flaming wings emerged from the sides of the skull.
I dropped the red brush. It was missing one thing. I picked up the white again and with a couple of brush strokes added a חי between the flaming wings. I smiled for the first time I could remember because it reminded me of Jake’s free spirit and fire for life. The Hebrew symbol Chai was a perfect tribute. But it would have been more perfect if he were still here.
“Nice w
ork.”
The sound of Bailen’s voice made me drop my brush. “Sorry, I… got a little carried away.”
“Don’t be sorry. You’re really talented.”
My cheeks warmed. “Thanks. But I wasn’t apologizing for the art, just for where it ended up. I have a bad habit of doodling all over the place.”
“Don’t apologize. The bike is yours now. You can do whatever you want with it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Including learning how to drive it.”
“I…” I swallowed, trying to find my words. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
I took a deep breath to collect my thoughts. “After my last attempt at flying.” What if I got in an accident like Lydia’s brother? Or not like Lydia’s brother. It felt so long ago, but the pain of my conversation with Jake was still as fresh as the paint on the bike.
The left side of his mouth curled upward. “That’s exactly why I think you should learn. You could use the practice.”
I stood up to appear more intimidating, despite being eye level with his chin. “Hey, I doubt you did better your first time driving. Plus, I’m sure the authorities weren’t chasing you at the time.” I wasn’t sure where the sudden anger came from, but it felt right in the moment. Not that I was mad at Bailen. I was mad at life, or the lack of it.
“All right then. Show me what you’re made of.”
“Now?” I gulped, regretting the anger that opened the door for a challenge.
“Yeah, the sun’s coming up. I’ll take you somewhere we can practice.”
Hands shaking, I moved the paint cans against the wall. I’d wanted a distraction and here was a huge one. Bailen tossed me a helmet and started the bike. I climbed on behind him. We rode through the barn doors. In the woods, we stayed on the ground, weaving around the trees and allowing the wind to whip around us.
As we stopped in a clearing nestled between the woods, he cut the engine. Bailen removed his helmet and climbed off the bike. I stood, but he tapped my shoulder, sending a shiver across my collarbone into my chest. I melted back into my seat.
“Let’s start with the basics.”
Starting on the bike didn’t seem very basic to me, but I did as he asked.
I clutched the handles. Bailen kicked up the stand. An eerie silence filled the air as I waited for further instructions. The trees rustled around us, but the usual horn honking and cars whooshing by were absent. Although it was awkward, I didn’t miss the bustle of the city or the demanding tracker lights and messages popping up in my vision. The quiet was a nice change of pace. In all the simplicity, it was easier to forget about all the crazy things happening around me.
Bailen straddled the bike behind me. “Your left hand is your clutch.” He ran his hand over mine and grabbed for the silver bar above the handle. My hand tingled under his touch and I tensed. Not trusting my voice, I nodded.
“The right hand controls your throttle.” His breath beat on my neck as he spoke. “Above the handle is your brake.”
I shook my head and dropped my hands to my jeans, wiping the sweat on them. So much to remember already and we were still on the “basics.”
Bailen backed off the bike. I let out a long breath now that there was some space between us.
“Put the bike in neutral so you can get a feel for it. Then ease up on the clutch, and let the bike roll.”
His pinky brushed against my thumb as his hand pulled away. I released the clutch a bit too quickly, and the bike lurched forward. That seemed easy enough.
“Walk the bike around. Get a sense for how it feels underneath you.”
I pushed off with my right foot and rolled the bike forward then gave a second push with my left. I wobbled a bit, but after a short time, I was powering around using my feet and turning in large circles. The experience was freeing.
“See, you’re a natural. Now let’s turn the bike on.”
I stopped in front of him and froze. I was thankful the helmet hid my face. My expression was surely betraying the terror building up inside me.
Putting on his helmet, he climbed onto the bike behind me. His firm chest brushed against my back, causing my breath to quicken. His voice came through the speakers in my helmet. “Put your feet on the pedals. I’ll steady the bike while you start the engine.”
I pushed the start button. The bike hummed beneath us. I hoped the slight vibration hid the fact that I was shaking. I gripped the handles tightly. I’d do it for Jake. And if I was going to honor his memory, I needed to be strong on my own.
“Now twist the throttle slowly.”
I turned my hand, and the bike roared. The unexpected sound made me jump back into Bailen. I clutched the handles and inched away from him before we touched for too long.
“That’s okay. Try again. It’s a bit sensitive.”
I squeezed the handlebars again and twisted my hand much more slowly. The engine hummed a little louder.
“Good. Remember that feel. Now shift into gear.”
My muscles tightened, but not because of the bike. He was so close to me. Attempting to block Bailen from my mind, I pushed the lever down with my left foot.
After a few deep breaths, I let out the clutch. The bike lurched forward and died. I dropped my hands to my thighs and wiped them again. My nerves twisted into knots. Driving wasn’t easy, and Bailen’s presence was making it that much harder to concentrate. This is for Jake. You can do it.
“That was a good first attempt. Try again, but next time, add some throttle.”
I restarted the bike and as it hummed to life, I repeated the steps to shift into gear. The bike rolled forward slowly, and my heart pounded as Bailen wrapped his arms around my waist.
“Good. Now ease up and shift to neutral using both brakes.”
I let everything he said sink in. When the bike stopped, I dropped my feet to the ground, trying to slow my breathing—which became infinitely easier when Bailen got off the back of the bike. There were so many things to think about while trying to not think about Bailen, and his closeness. No wonder Dad never wanted me to learn to drive a crotchrocket. It was so easy to get distracted, especially when Bailen was around. Even if I was glad he was distracting me from my sorrow.
“Now for turning.”
I gulped. More things to remember. But if Jake had learned how to do everything, I could too. If I was going to be a Ghost, I needed to prove I could keep up with them.
“It’s all in the counterbalance. You’ll want to lean a bit away from the direction you turn.” He grabbed my hip. My insides trembled. I hoped he couldn’t tell I was shaking. “Use your butt to steady yourself.”
I clenched both sets of cheeks. The last person whose hand had been that close to my butt had been Harlow. Crap! Harlow. When was the last time I’d even thought about him? He should have been here now, not Bailen. Harlow had promised to teach me to ride one day. The situation weighed on me like a huge betrayal. I might not see him again, but was it really fair to take something that was supposed to be ours and share it with a near stranger?
I shoved the thoughts aside and focused on the bike. Driving it was more than enough to worry about.
Bailen climbed on the bike, and I tensed again but started the engine. Soon we were rolling around the field. I eased in and out of turns. Turning came much more naturally to me than the other parts.
After dozens of laps and zigzags around the field, Bailen said, “How about we go a little faster?”
Feeling more confident, I twisted the throttle, shifting into a higher gear, and the bike sped up. As we headed toward the edge of the clearing, I squeezed the clutch and tried to slow the bike into the turn. The back wheel spun out to the side. My heartbeat quickened. I released the brake and pulled the handlebars to straighten out, but the bike was falling.
I landed flat on my back with Bailen on top of me. I ripped off my helmet, gasping for air. But there was none because Bailen seemed to be consuming any th
at remained.
He removed his helmet. “Are you okay?”
I took several large breaths just to be certain. “Yeah.” My heart still pounded in my chest, though. And not because of the crash.
He brushed a strand of hair out of my face. His touch left a trail of goose bumps across my cheek.
“Good.” He smiled, continuing to stare at me, but not with his usual I’m interested in the tech expression.
I lost myself in the moment. It felt good to have him so close, smelling like fall leaves. It was intoxicating. As the wind blew through his hair, I wondered if I was more than just a shell for his precious glitchy hardware, or if I should even be having these thoughts.
He leaned in, but at the last possible second, a single name pierced my mind.
Harlow.
I turned my head to the side, and Bailen planted his lips on my cheek.
“Is something wrong?”
I scooted out from underneath him and sat up, still trying to catch my breath. “I can’t,” I said as a thousand thoughts raced through my head.
“Oh. Because of…?”
I could if I really wanted to, but it wouldn’t be fair to Harlow. It wasn’t right. I shook my head. “No. It’s not like that.” I paused, hoping a better response than the truth would come, but it didn’t. “I have a boyfriend… Or at least, I did before I came here.”
Bailen fixated on his hands, plucking grass from the soil like it was suddenly the most interesting thing he’d ever done.
“Oh, sorry.” He stood up and righted the bike. “Want to give it another try?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. There was too much going sideways. But all I could think about was how I may have ruined any chance I had with Bailen. And part of me wasn’t sure I was okay with that.
Fifteen
I climbed on the bike and waited. Bailen hesitated before he sat behind me and this time, he didn’t hold me as tightly. My heart sank. I wished I hadn’t told him. But it was the right thing to do, even if it felt like eating gravel.
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