My Perfect Imperfections

by Jalpa Williby

  When Layna walked me to my desk, I gave her a high five. Then, we both giggled in victory.

  Growing up, we never had money, so we rarely could take any vacations outside of going to waterparks occasionally. For that reason, Layna and I were especially surprised when Mom said we were going camping for the weekend.

  “Really, Mom? We’ve never gone camping. Are we going to know what to do?” Layna asked.

  “Dad’s coming with us,” Mom answered quickly.

  What? Dad’s coming with us? That’s a bit strange. I mean Dad was always in the picture, but why would he go on a vacation with us?

  “Who’s all going, Mom?” Layna asked, now curious.

  “You, Lily, Duke, Dad, and I,” Mom replied, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

  Layna didn’t say anything more about it to Mom, but when we were alone, she asked, “What do you think about Dad going with us? Don’t you think it’s strange? I mean, it’s a family vacation. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they got back together?”

  Using my device, I answered, “Don’t jump to conclusions. He’s probably just coming along to help us out.”

  “I don’t know, Lily. Neither of them has dated anybody seriously after the divorce. Think about it.”

  I guess Layna had a point, but I had learned through the years not to get my hopes up high for anything.

  Friday evening, Dad drove the van to the campgrounds about three hours away. The site was large enough, so our camping spot was nice and private. He put up two tents. They had brought the lightweight manual wheelchair for me, so he carried me out and placed me in it. He set up sleeping bags in both tents and then built a fire. Duke ran around us, excited to be out in nature.

  “Isn’t this great, girls? We’re going to have a blast! A real family time,” Dad said as the fire came to life.

  “It’s perfect, Bill,” Mom said, smiling.

  Layna came by me and whispered, “Let’s see which tent Mom sleeps in tonight.”

  After eating dinner and singing some songs by the fire, it was already dark, so Dad carried me to the tent. He tucked me into my sleeping bag and gave me a kiss on my forehead. “Goodnight, munchkin. Sweet dreams and I love you.”

  I vocalized I loved him, too. Of course, it sounded like I was just making noise, but Dad knew exactly what I was saying to him. When Layna walked into the tent, he hugged her and told her he loved her as well.

  When he left, Layna slipped into her own sleeping bag. “See, I told you! They’re sharing the same tent, Lily!” she whispered, her voice full of excitement.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. As much as I didn’t want to get my hopes up, a part of me still wished that they’d get back together. For a brief moment, I allowed myself to dream of this.

  After listening to Layna talk about school, dancing, and boys, I finally fell asleep.

  The next morning, Mom and Dad seemed especially happy. I even caught him caressing Mom’s back at times. Layna would throw her knowing looks in my direction whenever she saw them being affectionate.

  That afternoon, Dad suggested a hike. Since it would be difficult to push the wheelchair through the trails, it was decided that Dad, Duke, and Layna would go hiking. Mom and I would stay by the tent. I didn’t mind. I was just happy to be out in the sun and feeling the breeze combing through my hair.

  After an hour of Mom reading her book while I listened to music, she approached me to check on me. “How are you doing, Lily? Do you want to get down and stretch for a while?”

  I shook my head no. I was feeling very peaceful, and I didn’t want the feeling to end.

  “I’ve had an upset stomach all day. I feel like I need to use the bathroom again. Would you mind if I go try to do that? I won’t be too far, and I should be back within minutes.”

  Again, I shook my head no. I knew Mom was having stomach issues.

  “Okay, I’ll be right back,” Mom said, squeezing my hand.

  I watched her walk into the woods until she finally disappeared from sight. Since there were no toilets around, they just used the woods. They did bring the adapted, portable commode for me, though. There would be no way my body could squat to the ground.

  As I waited for Mom, I closed my eyes, cherishing the serenity that was spreading over me.

  Within minutes, I sensed something was wrong. When my eyes flew open, I saw a dog across the clearing. When I squinted my eyes for a better view, I suddenly realized it was a wolf. And, this wolf was staring right at me.

  My heart sank from fear. I wanted to scream, run, and yell for help. Oh my god, what am I going to do?

  I turned my head toward the direction Mom had disappeared, but I didn’t see her. If I had my power wheelchair, maybe I could have done something like try to drive away from here. Instead, I was stuck, helpless, in this manual wheelchair, waiting for my fate.

  The wolf slowly strolled toward me, and to my dismay, his fangs were out.

  God, if you’re there, and this is how I’m going to leave this world, please make it quick. Please don’t make me suffer.

  I looked down when he was about ten feet away from me. I didn’t want to look at him straight in his eyes because I read somewhere that if you look in their eyes, they may feel threatened. I didn’t understand what he wanted from me. I had nothing for him, not even food. Why was he stalking me?

  As the hand of fear gripped my throat, I closed my eyes. I had no courage to keep them open. I could hear him sniffing around me. Why was this happening? Where was Mom? Completely frozen from fear, his hot breath fanned my face. He was sniffing me, but I dared not open my eyes. Feeling lightheaded, with tremors running through my body, I felt the air around me go completely still. Although it must have been mere seconds, it felt like my life flashed before my eyes. Bracing myself for the attack, a lonely tear rolled down my face. I was suddenly shocked when I felt his wet tongue on my cheek where the tear had left its trail. I wanted to turn my head away, but again, I remained motionless.

  Soon, I no longer felt him next to me. What happened? Although still terrified to open my eyes, I slowly forced myself to sneak a peek.

  The wolf was gone.

  I glanced around, stunned. Then I spotted him. He was sitting by the tree line, watching me. Why was he still here? What did he want? But, I dared not move.

  Shortly, I heard Mom’s footsteps. Oh no, the wolf would attack her! What could I do? I looked at her frantically, hoping she’d figure out that she was in danger. As soon as she saw the fear in my face, she immediately knew something was wrong.

  Within seconds she reached me. “What’s wrong? What happened, Lily?”

  I threw my head toward the direction of the wolf. Mom turned her head to face the wolf, who was now standing up, watching us. Her grip tightened around my shoulders briefly, and she positioned herself in front of me. The wolf watched us for few more seconds, and then miraculously, turned to disappear into the woods.

  Mom and I didn’t move as the shock of what just happened sank in. When Mom was satisfied that he was gone, she turned to me.

  “Oh my god, Lily. Are you okay?” She quickly examined me. When she noticed the footsteps made by the wolf around my wheelchair, she knew what had happened. “What the…he came all the way to you, Lily?”

  I nodded, trembling with fear.

  Mom grabbed her cell phone and called Dad. “Bill, you have to get back here. There was a wolf here.” She started crying into the phone. “Please hurry.”

  Dad, Layna, and Duke were back within half an hour. All three were panting, so I had a feeling they all ran back.

  “What happened?” Dad asked, frantic.

  Mom began shaking. “A wolf was here. He left now. I had to use the bathroom. Bill, he came right by Lily. Oh my god, he was right next to Lily.” Mom was hysterical as she rambled.

  “I don’t know what you’re saying. Where were you when he was by Lily?” Dad asked, coming to me and picking me out of the wheelchair, holding me in his embrace. I could f
eel him trembling as well.

  “I wasn’t here, Bill. Remember, I said I’ve had an upset stomach all day. I stepped away just for a few moments. And—”

  “You left Lily?” Dad turned to her. He placed me back into the wheelchair.

  Layna came to me and grabbed my hand. She asked me if I was okay with her eyes. I nodded, not wanting her to worry.

  “Bill, it was for a few moments only,” Mom tried to explain.

  “Are you crazy? How could you leave her alone? She’s defenseless. Imagine how she must have felt!” Dad was screaming at her. “You have no common sense. Never did! No wonder we got a divorce. Probably the best decision I ever made!” Dad was being very cruel by then.

  “That’s not fair!” Mom wiped her tears and yelled back. “I’ve done the best I could as a mother. I won’t let you take that away from me. Who do you think gets her ready for school every day? Who do you think gives her baths, makes sure all her needs are met? It must be nice to drop by here and there to help out. Remember, it’s me who makes sure that she is well taken care of every day. Me, Bill, not you!”

  Dad stared at Mom for a few seconds. Layna’s grip around my hand tightened.

  Without saying a word, Dad began packing and taking the tents down.

  “What are you doing?” Mom asked.

  “We’re leaving,” he said. “This pretend game of being one happy family was nice while it lasted.”

  That was that. The entire ride home was a silent one. Dad brought everything into the house and kissed Layna and me before leaving. He didn’t even look in Mom’s direction.

  Mom walked up to me and said, “I’m so sorry, Lily. I should never have left you like that.”

  The apology just made me feel worse. She didn’t need to apologize to me. This whole thing was my fault. If I weren’t so helpless, none of this would have happened. I looked away because I didn’t want her to see the tears of guilt in my eyes. She knew that when I turned my head away like that, I just wanted to be left alone.

  Layna wheeled me to the bathroom. After helping me to the toilet, she put me in my bed, knowing I was emotionally exhausted. Unfortunately, sleep was a stubborn mule that night for both of us.

  “Don’t worry about them. They’re stupid adults,” Layna said while staring at the ceiling.

  I didn’t answer.

  She turned toward me and asked, “Lily? Why do you think that wolf didn’t hurt you?”

  I mumbled a sound.

  “Maybe he was really watching over you. Maybe that’s why he waited until Mom got there.”

  Layna always had to believe the good in everything. I wasn’t at all surprised at where she was going with this.

  “Think about it, Lily. He could have really hurt you. You know, now that I think about it, maybe that wolf was a she. You know, a female. I mean, she could have been a mother herself so she would know to watch over her cubs. She was watching over you, Lily. I’m convinced of it! She knew you couldn’t be left alone.”

  I suppose I could see what she was saying. The day had drained me, though, and I had no desire to think about that wolf or the fight afterward.

  “I think it’s so cool! I mean you were protected by a wild wolf, Lily!” The more Layna kept talking about it, the more excited she was becoming. “Do you know why that wolf protected you, Lily? It’s because you’re an angel—just like I told you a long time ago. You’re an angel, Lily. And, that wolf knew it.”

  I rolled my eyes. Layna and her crazy imagination!

  As far as my parents were concerned, they acted as if our vacation never occurred. Everything went back to the way it was prior to the trip. They stayed separate but cordial. Neither of them brought up the camping incident again.

  But, one thing did change.

  Dad hired a personal assistant to help with my needs.

  Chapter Five

  Although Layna continued to become more and more popular—with guys falling at her feet—she still prioritized me over anything else. Sure, she went to dances and on dates with boys, but that didn’t affect our relationship at all. As a matter of fact, our bond became tighter than ever before.

  During our senior year, I knew that Layna had applied to top colleges. I also knew that she was going to get into them. They would be fools not to take her since she had so much to offer. She was intelligent—scored very high on her college admission tests—and she was one of the top dancers.

  As predicted, Layna was accepted into all of the colleges of her choice, and most gave her a full scholarship. The news filled my heart with joy. My sister had worked hard, and I wanted all of her dreams to come true.

  Yet, a part of me tried to harden my heart because I knew that meant she would be moving away. When that day came, my fragile heart would shatter.

  I decided to attend Marygrove College, which was only half an hour drive from our home in Troy, Michigan. That way, I could still live at home, and Mom or Dad could drive me to and from the college. It wasn’t a big university setting. Academically, it was a great school, and I could probably pursue a degree in teaching. There was also a Master’s program in Technology or Special Education, so I was going to look into both of them to see what would help me land a job after college.

  As Layna and I were talking about nothing and everything one day, she suddenly brought up college. “Lily, I decided where I’m going to go to college.”

  Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to smile. This was not the subject I wanted to discuss.

  “I’ll be attending Marygrove with you. That way, I can commute from home, too.”

  Instantly, I held my breath, my eyes wide. Why was she saying that?

  “I’ve weighed out all of my options, and I think this is the best for me. The college is already fully paid for with my scholarship money. And, more importantly, I get to stay home with you and Mom.”

  I frantically began to use my communication device. “Why? That wasn’t your top choice! Are you staying here because of me?”

  “No! Well, partly I am. But, mostly it’s because of me!”

  I couldn’t help the anger that built inside me. I was so sick and tired of people changing their lives around because of me. Like I didn’t already have enough guilt! Why would she do this?

  I yelled at her—with my own voice.

  “Why are you upset? I thought you’d be happy,” Layna said, confused.

  Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I steadied my head and eyes to use my device again. “You have to have your own life. I don’t want you to change your goals because of me.”

  “I’m not, Lily. I’m still going to college. Besides, my life is with you. I told you a long time ago that I’d never leave you. Don’t you remember that?”

  Feeling extremely distressed, I started to drive my wheelchair away, needing some space away from her.

  “Stop! We’re not done talking about this!” Layna yelled behind me.

  Increasing the speed of my wheelchair, I tried to dash into my room. Layna caught up to me and turned my wheelchair off.

  “Sorry. I know that’s mean,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

  I was furious! How dare she turn off my wheelchair! She was purposefully restraining me. Weren’t there laws against such abusive treatment?

  I swung my arms at her, trying to land a punch. I had never lost control like that, but damn it, she couldn’t ruin her life because of me. I wouldn’t allow it. I continued to yell, flailing my arms, not even coming close to my target. After five minutes of screaming at her, exhaustion finally consumed me. Taking deep breaths, I bent my head down in defeat.

  “Lily, please just listen to me. Remember when we were little, and that one night I had that horrible nightmare? Since that night, I’ve always shared your room.”

  I ceased my rant because suddenly I was curious. I did remember that night when we were probably around five years old. She had slept in my bedroom since that night.

  When she realized that she had my attention, she sai
d, “Well, I never told anybody about my nightmares—not even you. That night I dreamed that you were gone. I looked all over for you, but you had simply disappeared. I woke up screaming. I still have those nightmares, Lily. But, I just force my eyes open because I know I’ll see you in the next bed. You see, Lily, that’s why I’ve never left your room. I can’t stand those dreams. They freak me out, but when I see you sleeping soundly, I can go back to sleep. Can you imagine if I was away for college?” Layna shuddered. “So, basically, my reasons for staying home are completely selfish. Besides, don’t you know that my life is with you? How can you not know that? I’m not staying here because of you. I’m staying because of me. I don’t want to be away from you.”

  I sighed. I didn’t even know what to say.

  “I can get a great education at this college, Lily. I just don’t want to leave you, Mom, and Duke. I’d be miserable. I can’t even picture my life without you guys. You are my everything. Please, don’t make me feel bad for wanting this.” Layna bit her lower lip when her voice started to shake. I know how much she hated crying in front of people—even in front of me.

  Tearing up myself, I slowly brought my arm out to her. She held my hand in both of her hands and leaned toward me. “Do you understand, Lily? Do you understand how much I need you in my life?”

  I nodded. Not because I understood. Not because I agreed. I nodded because that was what Layna needed at that time. And, ultimately, that was all that mattered.

  Although Layna was asked to prom by the hot quarterback, James Mathis, she declined his offer. I knew she liked him, but she insisted that she had always planned on going to prom with me. When I tried to talk to her about my guilt, she dismissed my concern.

  “Lily, I’ve always wanted to go to my senior prom with you. You know that. We’ve planned this for years. It’s going to be amazing! How else can we make our entrance with our matching dresses?” Layna looked at me like I had lost my mind.