Pack Ties

by Ceillie Simkiss

  The next week was a whirlwind that made me understand exactly why wolves stayed far, far away from humans most of the time. I felt like I was constantly fighting a migraine from the constant influx of sounds and smells in my home, not to mention the village around us. Jackson and Violet were like tiny tornadoes made entirely of sounds and smells that I couldn’t escape from. It was exhausting, but being home wasn’t entirely bad.

  The day after I had come home, Violet had found a pot of ink and a brush pen. While I had rested, she had taken it upon herself to use my exposed arms as a canvas. I woke to find that she had turned my scars into childish, stylized animals with her tools. I had to admit that after a few days, they were growing on me. I was finding it harder to find reasons to smile, and they were a constant reminder that my daughter loved me.

  I had also been enjoying their efforts to cook for me and figuring out what exactly I liked to eat now. I hadn’t thought about the ways that my tastes would change along with everything else that was going on, but it didn’t surprise me that my preferences had turned towards larger portions of barely cooked meats. Jackson had to bully me into eating my vegetables, which was odd because they had previously been my favorite part of the meal. This change in eating habits was going to get expensive very quickly if we weren’t careful.

  Despite all that, I was still worried about scaring the children in neighboring houses with the sight of my scarred arms and legs. I didn’t like to look at them, and they were my own body parts. Because of this, I had yet to go further than our fenced-in garden since I had come home.

  Well, today, Jackson had other plans for us. They had planned a hunting trip that would allow both of us to see how I dealt with being in the real world, especially in a place where my senses would be on high alert. Plus, they were tired of me around the house doing nothing but playing with Violet.

  To her disappointment, she wouldn’t be coming on the trip. We couldn’t risk her figuring out that something was wrong with me. Instead, she would be staying with her best friend, Amada, for the two days we were gone.

  In an adorable gesture, she had “helped” Jackson pack their food for the trip. She had packed them full of all the sweets left in the house, most of which were inedible because of their age. Violet had a habit of hiding sweets in places that were hard to reach for Jackson’s burly arms, and thus rarely got cleaned out unless I did it myself. We had had to repack the basket as soon as we dropped her off, but we didn’t mind. It was her way of showing her love

  “Are you ready to go, Si?” Jackson called out from the gate. “We’ve got a bit of a hike if we want to make it to the clearing before nightfall.”

  They beamed at me when I walked into the slightly cooler evening air. It was nearly summer now. They were ready to go with their camping pack slung over their shoulders and a basket of food in one hand and an unstrung longbow in the other. I took a deep breath and smiled. I could do this.

  “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s go.”

  The walk was peaceful for us both. We talked about the goings-on in the village and the antics Violet and Amada were surely getting up to by now. They were notorious for making all kinds of messes whenever they went unsupervised, which was why Jackson always made an effort not to leave the two of them alone together. Amada’s parents had not yet managed to avoid it on any previous visit.

  Before we reached the clearing, I halted suddenly. Something was off. Even though I knew I looked ridiculous, I stuck my nose in the air and took several deep breaths through it. I could smell at least three people, cooked meat, and a scent that was somewhat familiar but that I wasn’t sure about.

  “What is it?” Jackson whispered. “Is there trouble?”

  I shushed them with a wave of my hand, focusing on that unfamiliar smell. The smell of fur was overpowering, but I wasn’t sure if it was from a large dog or a wolf. I couldn’t deal with a wolf tonight. Jackson couldn’t be put in danger.

  I stood stock-still, straining my hearing to try and identify which was which. I heard a soft bark from a distance and relaxed immediately. Dogs weren’t anything to worry about. We could share the clearing with a couple of people and a dog.

  “I don’t think so,” I breathed in relief. “We’ll just have some company tonight.”

  “We like people,” Jackson said with a shrug. They stepped up to join me and pressed their palm to mine.

  “Let’s just hope they like werewolves,” I muttered. They squeezed my hand, and just that small gesture pulled me out of the darkness that had been gathering in my head. The effect that they had always had on me since we were children running around the streets of the capital together. Right now, with their hand in mine, I was pretty sure that I could handle just about anything.

  By the time Jackson and I returned to the cottage with the spoils of our hunt, we were both exhausted and relaxed. It had been the perfect outing, but I was glad to be home. Together, we spent the middle of the day in each others company dressing and packing everything that we could into the icebox.

  Violet ran in just as we finished packing the meat into the icebox. Her blonde curls were a mess and her blanket was tied around her shoulders like a cloak, making her look like a small version of her mother. Felicity had always worn a cloak in just that color, which is why we had chosen it for her baby blanket.

  “Welcome home, Daddy!”

  “Same to you, sweetheart! Did you have fun with Amada?”

  She nodded, flinging herself at me with abandon. I scooped her up so she rested on my shoulders. I loved the way that she fit perfectly there at this age, and that Jackson could easily press butterfly kisses to her cheeks the way they were doing now. It was a perfect moment, and I wished I could stay in it forever.

  Unfortunately, I could tell Violet was tired. She needed a nap, the way she always did after visiting Amada. That was actually a good thing because Jackson and I needed to figure out how to talk to her about what would happen tonight. There was no time left to hide from it. They tucked her into bed, making sure her trusty blanket was right next to her and promising they’d wake her up for dinner.

  “Jacks, we have to talk to her about what’s going to happen tonight.”

  “Are we telling her everything?” Jackson asked, worry creasing their worn face. “I’m not sure that’s the best idea, Silas. That’s scary for a five-year-old.”

  I thought that over for a few minutes before responding.

  “We have to tell her that I’m going away tonight, at least. That has the benefit of being true while also not being scary.” Jackson nodded, their curls falling into their face. I brushed them back with my gentlest touch. “We can do this. We’re a team. It’ll be okay.”

  I wasn’t sure which one of us I was trying to convince, but hopefully, the world wouldn’t make a liar of me.

  We were all tired from our time away at dinner that night. Violet was yawning after nearly every bite. I suspected she wouldn’t be awake for very long after I left. But by the time we finished eating our dinner of a roasted hare and wild mushrooms, neither Jackson or I had managed to tell Violet that I was leaving.

  “We’ve got something to tell you.” Jackson’s voice was soft. Violet turned her face up towards them with a sleepy smile. “Daddy has to go away tonight for a work thing, so it’s just gonna be you and me.”

  No!” Her face crumpled, tears already welling in her eyes. My heart ached at the sight. I tried to reach across the table to her, but she knocked them away. “Daddy, you promised you wouldn’t leave again for a while! You just came back from the woods and now you’re leaving again? It’s not fair!”

  “I know, flower. I’m sorry, but I have to go.” I tried to be as placating as I could, but her face grew red with anger. “You know I wouldn’t leave you again so soon if I had a choice.”

  “But you’re a grown-up! Grown-ups get to make their own choices! That’s what Jackson always says!”

  “And that’s true, flower, but sometimes even grown-u
ps have to do things when they don’t want to,” they explained, running a hand through their hair. “This is one of those times, but Daddy will be back tomorrow morning.”

  “No!” Violet yelled, pounding her fists on the table. “It’s not fair! You can’t go!”

  “Whoa, there’s no need for that kind of attitude,” Jackson reprimanded her. “You know better than to talk to either of us that way, young lady.”

  “I don’t care!” She got up from the table and ran to the bedroom we shared, slamming the door behind her. Jackson sighed and laid their head against the table in frustration.

  “Well, that went about as terribly as it could have,” I said with a grimace. I wasn’t sure exactly why, but I felt itchy. That probably wasn’t a good sign. “Are you going to be okay with her? I think I need to leave before something goes wrong here.”

  It was starting to get dark out. I didn’t want to risk transforming in the middle of the village, especially since I had no idea what that would look or feel like. I didn’t want anyone else to see me like that.

  “Don’t worry,” Jackson told him. “I can take care of her. Go. You know where you’re supposed to go?”

  I nodded. Duke Avery had worked with the army to create a safe space for everyone who’d been attacked to transform and spend the night. I had packed my usual work knapsack with a change of clothes and some jerky. I wouldn’t need it, but Violet would realize something was off if I left it at home.

  Grabbing my bag from the bedroom, I said a quick goodbye to the pile of blankets that was my daughter. She didn’t reply, but that wasn’t entirely surprising. She had a bit of a temper like her mother did, but it usually wore her out and she took a nap. Closing the door behind me, I smiled thinly at Jackson. They embraced me, and in that, I could feel all of the love we shared.

  “Come home safe, Si,” they murmured.

  “Always.” I smiled softly, then slipped out the door into the cool evening.

  The whole way to the designated safe space, I couldn’t stop myself from scratching at my skin. The feeling of something crawling all over my flesh that had started during dinner was even worse now. At one point, I realized that blood was dripping from my stomach. I’d broken open the skin with my scratching. My hands were tipped with what looked more like a wolf’s claws than human nails, to my horror. I was almost safe. I could see the guards and smell the others who had already transformed. I just had to make it.

  Except then I heard a sniffle from behind me, combined with the familiar scent of raspberries and chamomile. I whirled around and found Violet a few paces behind me, her own packed bag on her back. My jaw dropped in shock.

  “I’m coming with you, Daddy,” she informed me, a determined expression on her small face. That was the last thing I heard before I felt my body explode into pain. My knees went out from under me and I fell to the ground twitching. It felt like my bones were rearranging themselves under my skin and fur was shooting out from every one of my pores.

  “Daddy? Daddy! What’s wrong?” Her little voice shook with terror as she watched me transform. If I could have concentrated enough to form words, I would have reassured her that I was going to be okay, that she needed to go home to Jackson. But I couldn’t. My mouth had shifted into the jaws of a wolf and I couldn’t have spoken to save my life.

  When the transformation was done, the pain all disappeared as if it had never been there. I felt like myself, though larger and more unwieldy. Hauling myself up on all fours, I faced her and took a step towards her. She leaped backward, tripping and falling in fright. With a cry, she dropped her backpack and ran away as quickly as her little legs would allow her to.

  If I tried to speak, a howl would come out. If I tried to chase after her, she would just be even more scared. I watched, helpless because there was nothing I could do as she ran into the woods. All I could think to do was somehow get home to Jackson and make them understand what had happened. We had to find a way to get Violet home safely, but I couldn’t do it on my own.

  I picked up the bag in my mouth, cringing at the feeling and taste of the cloth in my mouth. I pushed myself into a run, no longer caring if any of the neighbors saw me. I had to take care of my daughter, no matter what.

  When I got back to the house, I saw that my bedroom window was open and Violet’s blanket lay over the windowsill. She’d figured out how to undo the latches on the windows. Great. That would have been nice to know before tonight.

  The front door was a problem, though. I couldn’t exactly open the door with my paws or mouth in this shape, but I couldn’t howl either. That would bring out the neighbors and turn this into exactly the spectacle I’d wanted to avoid. Turning my large head from side to side, I searched for any way to get Jackson’s attention or to get into the house. With a sigh of relief, I saw that a lamp was still lit in Jackson’s bedroom.

  Quickly and quietly, I padded to the window and propped myself on my hind legs. Wolf's legs were surprisingly balanced even when I was on only two of them. I tapped on the window gently with one of my paws, cringing at the sound of my claws screeching on the glass.

  Jackson grabbed their lamp and strode to the window, their brow more wrinkled than I ever remembered seeing it as they peered into the darkness. When they saw the larger than life fur-covered form outside, the wrinkles deepened. The window slid open without a sound.

  “Si, is that you? What are you doing here?”

  I tossed Violet’s knapsack over the sill and watched as understanding dawned on my partner’s face. They ran to the other bedroom calling for Violet, then cursed when they realized how she’d left the house.

  They opened the front door less than a minute later, their coat half pulled on and lamp still in their hands. I tugged the blanket from the windowsill and flung it over my neck. Violet would want the blanket that comforted her more than I ever could. Jackson pulled his coat around themself and took a deep breath before turning back to me.

  “Take me to her.”

  I didn’t need asking twice. I led the way, keeping an ear out for any sound or scent of my daughter. It was hard to differentiate different smells still, but I was able to find her trail once I reached the path.

  Jackson followed me every step of the way, never once complaining when I veered off in separate directions. Nearly half an hour later, Violet’s path stopped short in a copse of oak trees. The air around us was still and quiet until I heard the creak of a branch.

  Looking up, I could see the of her tiny form in a branch above Jackson’s head. I was a little impressed she’d gotten up there by herself. Jackson looked up and heaved a sigh of relief. We had found her. She was safe. Now we just had to get her down.

  “Violet? Sweetheart, are you okay?” A choked sob was the only answer. It broke my heart knowing that I was the cause of those tears. Wanting to avoid scaring her any further, I sat down at the base of another tree. I could see her, but I was pretty sure she couldn’t see me without falling out of the tree. Hopefully, that would help Jackson to handle this.

  “Flower, I need you to use your words. Are you okay?” We both waited for what felt like hours for her to answer, but she finally did.

  “Daddy fell over and he grew fur and I heard a lot of sounds and I’m scared,” she wailed, and it felt like a physical jolt to my heart. All I could do was wait.

  “I know you’re scared, but I’m here, Violet. I’m here and your Daddy is safe. You are safe. I promise.”

  “But he looked like a woof! How are we safe if Daddy is a woof, Jackson? Woofs are scary!”

  “I know, Violet. Why don’t you climb down and I’ll explain it all to you?” Violet thought about it for a little while, then climbed down three branches so that she and Jackson were face to face. “Is that as far down as you’re willing to come?”

  She nodded. Jackson took a deep breath. I took the opportunity to look over what I could see, grateful for the better vision that being a wolf gave me.

  She had a few scrapes on her elbows a
nd knees, but otherwise, she was physically okay. That was a relief.

  “Okay. Do you remember when Daddy was at the hospital because he got hurt?” She nodded and Jackson continued. “Well, the reason he got hurt is because he was helping to fight some wolves.”

  She gasped and fresh tears began to run down her cheeks. Jackson reached up and ran a gentle hand through her haphazardly tied back hair.

  “Those wolves hurt Daddy a lot, but he’s okay now. They also gave him and his friends a disease that means that every full moon, they will turn into a wolf for a little while. But he’s still your daddy, and he still loves you more than anything in the world.”

  She stared at them open-mouthed for a few minutes while she processed everything they said, wiping her tears away with chubby fists.

  “Do you have any questions, flower? Do you understand what I told you?”

  “Daddy’s gonna turn into a woof every month, but he’ll get better. Right?” Jackson nodded. “Is Daddy scared?”

  “Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Jackson asked softly. That was my cue to come out. I took a cautious step forward. Violet gasped but didn’t take her eyes off of my furry form. I could only imagine what she was seeing right now. Violet climbed down another few branches. We repeated the pattern until I stood right beside Jackson and Violet was on the ground. Jackson sighed with relief the instant her feet hit the ground.

  “Daddy, may I touch you?” Violet asked, her voice quiet. I nodded.

  She burrowed her fingers into the fur at the nape of my neck. It felt good, like someone running their fingers through my hair.