by Tony Duvert
no yours your first name
you’re an old man aren’t you I’ve got to be leaving now are you staying?
I can’t walk
then how’d you get here?
I walked but I can’t anymore
I’ll come by tomorrow then and tell you if you’re dead I’ll even go to your funeral if they bury you if you want me to that is
no I’ll be gone by then what did you have for supper tonight?
oh my mother made scrambled eggs an endive salad and then some cheese and some strawberries they’re fresh from our own garden
you have a garden
yes but not very big still there are strawberries and some dwarfs standing around in it for decorations like in Snow White you know
and for decoration on the lawn in front of the house a well made out of old automobile tires I say hazarding a guess
no oh well it’s not a real watch anyway it’s only neighbor’s and he’s planted flowers inside the well but I think myself it would look prettier filled up with water but anyway it’s not a real well I’ve got to be saying so long for now my parents didn’t notice yet about the watch I made believe all during supper it was still working
will they give you a beating when they find out?
no oh well it’s not a real watch anyway it’s only a toy the hands move only when I push them I was only kidding about it being a real watch and all before he has on a green pull-over sweater on the front a maroon squirrel his mother must have sewed on for decoration and oh what eyes I can no longer remember what his voice was like of what thin treble later I would think about those knees that hair I’m getting used to the coldness of wet sand I will surely survive until tomorrow morning if I don’t let myself fall asleep dying forever in such sleep his bedroom blue wallpaper perhaps and a model boat on the mantel a teddy bear or felt dog that he puts to bed himself covering it with a handkerchief blanket kissing it tenderly then climbing into his own bed they fold his ten fingers under the coverlet pulling it up all the way to his tiny chin cute little mug already dreaming then they all fall asleep ten fingers peeping out especially now that it’s so warm and summer’s coming less blankets needed I must have once been a papa or a mama or how else could I know all this or maybe it’s that they are all papas or mamas when they are small ten in one without any preference that’s what screws up your memory later on the others are all you yourself so easily or so say most people well I am not most people curious isn’t it though to be so certain of that at least
what else then to construct imagine in the dead of night the fog rolls in covering the land covering me a wetness lighter softer than that of the sea I stand up undress can’t even make out my own feet down there below throw away all my clothes or bury them rather I will remain naked walking into the waves the ocean so very cold water that crashes against calves splashes upward burning into wounds with its pure salt what happened I am lying against the dinghy dozing tide coming in lapping of water closer and closer icy tongues wetting my flanks he had erected a sand castle great chateau himself sitting there supreme upon its topmost turret sandy tumulus burial mound ground for the not quite dead then he finally abandoned it to play with his prick I watched as a dogfish no a fishy dog some german shepherd be-whiskered and with a blotchy red face slides its wet nose burrowing beneath the boy’s buttocks the kid kneeling forward bending over adding finishing touches to his chateau and then suddenly turning quite startled upon feeling that wet nose plunge between those two cheeks but then he must have recognized the animal since he made an about-face and sat down facing the dog spreading wide his thighs the german shepherd rolling over on its back and stretching his long body between playfully licking nibbling the sand-speckled silky swimsuit there where a pouting little bulge proclaimed the source of all odor source of all taste the child did not think of lowering his briefs although he let the dog continue its explorations I constructed a long rampart of sand set high against the sea tide changing waves crash through I stand up and the dinghy begins to float so I settle myself snugly within I don’t think it will run aground it drifts drifting and some hours later in the ebbing tide will finally take me out to sea or else hurl me back onto some tiny wooded cape smelling of resin spicy leaves rain there is nothing resinous here where boys play in the shade within a magic circle they have trampled in the tall grass for the pleasure of hearing toadstools squish squash beneath bare feet and I can make out voices Simon says fall down! get up! Lulu you got up and Simon didn’t say get up so you’ll have to pay a forfeit: stick out your tongue! Simon says raise your left arm! Lulu you’ve stuck out your tongue and Simon said raise your left arm you’ll have to pay still another forfeit! Simon says don’t do anything! Simon says jump! Simon says fall down! Simon says jump up! fall down! Lulu you fell down you’ve still another forfeit to pay
no that’s not fair you went too fast I was still at the first Simon says fall down I didn’t have time to jump up after it’s not fair
that’s the way the cookie crumbles that’s the way the ball bounces that’s the way the mop flops Simon says everybody knock down Lulu! suddenly they’ve all surrounded him he yelled howled as they sailed into him beating down upon his skull each one of them growing more excited at the sight of his pain Simon says stop! Lulu shrieks but somebody answers maybe Simon himself Shut your face asshole we’re not playing Simon says anymore! they punch shove shove punch until falling to the ground Lulu is all but invisible beneath a pile of flailing bodies as in a football scrimmage pitiful moonfaced little scapegoat he sobbed screamed yowled yelped at each slap each pinch each kick as if possessing two voices one strident shrieking the other sobbing hoarse far more frightening my hands served me for oars and I made off in the dinghy drifted along that coast and finally discovered a deserted beach no fog here the night calm silent the little kid came back to see me despite the late hour because he had decided I must be hungry he brought me oh so sweetly a big yellow apple I bite into its juiciness and all at once my tongue in slivers slashed by a razor blade buried within the pulp the kid bursts out laughing and takes off I dropped the bloody fruit clouds scudding from left to right gray racing across an inky blue backdrop calm clear night they stretch out elongate those fat clouds growing ever more compact thinner at last resembling a long low riverbank of sandstone bleached white by summer sun I have this body so oppressive that dangles here below my head I sit perched upon it forever like a crow upon its tree and perspective diminishes descending immutable from my beak to my feet or are they my roots an enticing odor causes that shepherd dog sea wolf to return my warm blood interests him he devours half my face searching for it hollowing out a hole whose scarlet and bone excite him I can’t even feel any pain my face a grotto through which wet winds thunder shimmering red lake this pathetic carrion beneath it resting upon sand shaken teased torn to bits finally diaphanous the child calls back his dog beats him for having run away I wore a green pull-over sweater maroon trousers these clothes couldn’t belong to me and no underwear beneath he was all absorbed in peeling off some scabs from his knee oh how that booboo must have stung for he makes a terrible face while the dog continues licking his briefs but lower now a bit beyond the crotch because the kid has just finished shitting he had squatted down behind my dinghy the odor musky and steaming bewitching twitching my nostrils
animals bands of brawling squalling brats the beaches are empty of their presence now never a human being and this pile of shit beside me as if I weren’t there at all horizon without sky land without trees the sand flat colorless the water blackish smelling of refuse no wounds now in my asshole none along my arms or on my hands they haven’t split open my eardrums either I must have worn glasses once otherwise why this woolly white opacity now his after noon snack a big slab of bread and two chocolate bars a banana that he set aside for later peeling it now getting down on all fours sliding his briefs below his ass then aiming that overripe fruit into the tiny anus crushing against that mass of furrowed golden pulp the palm of one hand shoving it up ha
rd against his asshole packing it in with his thumb he also has a second banana today succeeds in shoving this one almost completely up the asshole peel and all he plumps down hard upon the sand both cheeks wriggles back and forth for a few minutes finally pulling out the second banana then peels it devours it happily all the while sticking one chubby thumb up his asshole and pulled out a plum no a banana and said what a good boy am I suddenly he grows motionless face daydreaming ecstatic he has no idea how I envied him I would have felt no childish pleasure ejaculated no manly juice in doing what he did but I was jealous all the same for they all of them still had a body to stimulate thus to heed to obey and if he offers me his banana that other one I will eat it happily depressing springtime sun veiled he wipes his ass in the sea
thick fog constructs walls around me all that the beach had revealed now receding I can make out some final movements but those too far away beyond this prison of mist a moth hurls itself obstinately against the walls I’m incapable of getting up and opening the window to set it free I listen to this sound so heavy thudding lacking any discernible rhythm how did it get in here or had it since the beginning of time lay huddled wings furled like a black umbrella in some dark corner of the ceiling never visited by light until now thick walls floating coming closer closing in covering me with breezes of mist that take on my shape caressing coiling around my naked body centipedes brocaded upon my skin there where someone has stitched the incisions in my belly so white but spotted here and there with daubs of gray of midnight blue I cannot find my cock bringing one hand down there clot of curdled skin coagulating between two strange thighs can’t feel anything the skin down there colder than my fingers I had had the nightmare of a wound down there can’t find it now only this sleep only
the moth struggles no more day slowly extending its light until it reaches my bed the topmost part of the walls and the coldness of this room mutes sunlight to a sickly sallow blur that covers with a thin coat the darkness yet never quite conceals dispels it other sounds falling away like pearls far off and flaccid a shower of rain but in another world a stirring of ashes and dust by some current of air so imperceptible accompanied by the tenuous creaking of a distant door all is dead dying everywhere day ebbing in the sudden darkness a lamp flares with a hissing sputter and I open wide my eyes glut myself on that pitiful luminosity as if it were an immense golden sun someone will surely be coming in now for they never turned on the lamps most evenings
a long moment passes and then the lamp goes out another day the lamp comes on again evening and a moment later goes out again five days pass thus and each time the lamp comes on it’s a round glass globe that I see sometimes here sometimes
tell us your name come on quit stalling your name wearing a gray hat and a gray overcoat face bloodless no distinct features cheeks stained red as if by raspberries tall of stature bending down over me
no
who stitched up these cuts of yours and how dare you fuck on this miserable fucking bed? ears raised growing larger mouth pursed those ears now propping up the hat upon the skull of a man fifty sixty years old next to him the flexible light curves as if poised to listen her chin propped up on one fist the light so pink pensive
I don’t didn’t make love here
you’re a liar and you lie on top of it don’t you? you fuck this bed then with your ass since somebody’s cut off your cock your putrid bowels who did that to you? the lady approves since in the same degree as she traces curlicues upon her pink skin with an absent-minded dreaming gesture her mane of hair assumes shape grows glows blonder approves also
I didn’t do any such thing please I didn’t
shut your hole shitface put on your hat sir your overcoat you’re free to go
darling let’s leave don’t touch this I was standing at the foot of the bed I noted vaguely that the kid was dead I shrugged my shoulders
oh well we can make another with whatever’s necessary
no I’m still lying here and when I’m cured that’s when I’m leaving
get up from this bed it’s a real shame it is even when you’re ill you can’t control yourself nobody nothing is safe from you you devil he lifts me up and sets me down upon a black straight-backed chair binding me my feet my hands my neck and with a barber’s razor slices off my genitals which he then hurls against the wall my blood didn’t flow though and his wife distressed kept repeating Hurry up I beg you there are still so many other sick ones to look in on
the lamp went out the door slammed I am no longer bound to this chair I topple over the floor is soft sticky tepid I suddenly realize I am rolling around in fresh shit it has a softness a comforting shapelessness I cover myself all over with it I’m happy at this moment will never ask for anything more
somebody informs me once again that I haven’t understood anything that nobody but nobody wishes to harm me here I will sleep for a long time in a room all alone then all that will be over they promise me they don’t give reasons but try to reassure me inventing no matter what lies in order to lure me to their place but I don’t like their house it’s evil dirty I won’t go
let me go I won’t tell anybody what I saw I didn’t touch any of them any of your contraptions honest
wouldn’t you like to always have something nice to eat we’ll give you a real bed too one that belongs only to you and there’s a lovely lady here too wouldn’t you like to have a lovely lady come and kiss you sometimes?
then why are there screams I heard them what’s being done to them down there let me go I didn’t come here on purpose honest
come come that’s enough now give us your feet and they cut my feet free give us your hands and they cut my hands free give us your arms and they pulled me to a standing position
yes they stretch me out stretching myself out when they untie me I am on some fine paved street that climbs up a hill my face hot tanned one or two iron tables set out on the sidewalk a donkey an ancient wall covered with flowers those same boys are sitting lolling sprawling chatting they’re older than me but there’s this very handsome guy who stares at me I would like to oh kiss him I was shoved right up against him they passed me up over the wall right through those thick flowers and there were boys on the other side too who caught me by one hand there where in place of a thumb I had the big black head of a parrot or some insect a stag beetle you stick your finger up them use them for a puppet your wriggling thumb making them dance I tried to get away but they held me from behind I never was able to peel off that thick black head stuck to my thumb what is it that they want me to I’d like to see that boy again the handsome one who stared I climbed onto the top bunk of a bed ten or twenty of them taking up most of the space in that attic everyone sleeping packed so tightly together and a boy at the farthest end of the room suddenly pulls out a knife blade flash kills someone moving into the bed alongside me stepping over my body to do so he’s a real brute crushes me in his arms hard against his belly I leap to the floor fall to the ground it’s a lovely narrow street the close of a summer’s day when there’s no more sun to be seen dying red Give us your legs then they take my legs and send them up flying and over the flowery wall I help myself by means of one of the iron tables Run see if you can catch them latch onto the shoulder of the boy whose looks so excite me his pull-over slides silkily over his shirt whispering kissing sound I love the way it feels too feeling my body pass over that wall flat on my belly dropping down onto a pile of stones prickly nettles my legs still work even if my face is scratched all bloody they carry me out into the sunlight beside a spring under oak trees a round basin of water cleft out of rocks water so calm like when you peer down a well they dunk my head glistening fronds grazing my cheeks and some dried insects swim into my mouth a strong current suddenly swirls my hair upward chills my ears I spit out slivers of wood they hold me fast climbing the stairs to some dormitory it’s your bed yes didn’t you know that you have a bed all to yourself lie down now or you’ll be sick the bed is beside a window metallic grating and a balcony
beyond that smells of pine cones I turn down the blanket jump back quick for they’ve hidden a water viper there on the white sheet glistening head smashed bleeding they laugh all of them I start howling rush into the arms of someone with a mustache a lot older than the others big bruiser Don’t be afraid sissy it’s quite dead what a bunch of nerves you must be see sissy it’s dead see ninny him taking the snake by the tail swinging it before my face I scream even more loudly struggling he grabs my shirt it rips rushing down the stairs hurtling they were waiting for me outside too
go on sissy don’t sulk so
you fucking bastards
oh how ill bred this one is did you hear what he called us
bastards bastards fucking bastards I’ll kill all of you
oh go on then blow your stack you’ll feel better afterward says some guy in a smock who’s standing there with a bored look on his face haughty eyes of somebody who knows he’s important and me of course the most pitiful the smallest one of all they move away a bit realizing that if I ever manage to reach any of them I’ll gouge their eyes out no kidding
haven’t you finished that screaming routine yet you know you’re not a very pretty sight with all those dirty tears streaming down your cheeks I’m crying less but I can still only make out a blur when I start running toward the toilets my legs all tangled together knees knocking nobody follows me at least hunting around blindly for faucets they trickle then spray me all over and somebody comes in one of the older guys a nice fellow really I’m ashamed he calls me by my first name he knows it then touches my shoulder I start shaking all over another boy sticks his head in the door laughing defying danger
watch out this one bites he’s not quite calm yet I hunt for something to hurl take off one
sandal but the other guy the nice fellow grabs it from my hand
don’t be silly and as for you asshole why don’t you leave him alone huh he’s the smallest one here you’re always picking on him scaring him shitless now scram asshole I start crying all over again water dripping everywhere and my bare foot cold on cold cement slippery too from all the water . still pouring out over the rim of the sink arms wet face wet shirt soaked through the big guy is not so big after all except for his deep grown-up voice I start hiccuping