Princesses Don't Play Nice

by Maikel Yarimizu

  Quiet as he could, he rolled his own dice while Natalie's rattled across the table. How bad this would turn out, he left to the little twenty-sider. A 2... then a 3... He felt his shoulders relax a bit, even as Natalie crowed at her own rolls. It was silly, he knew, but also nice to have the hand of fate enforce karma on its own.

  'Every day, in every way, I get better and better.' That was Isabel's personal motto, and she could almost feel it in action that night. As she waded through the undead mob, each swipe of her sword seemed to destroy two of them, and each bright beam of sunlight speared three. She didn't really have the time to note what state the undead were in to begin with, or she'd realize that they were plenty ragged already, but she might not have cared, either. What was important was the act of destroying their evil.

  And then there was this new beast, risen up to challenge the Champion of the Sun. What hole it had come from, she could not say, but it was going to be running a long way from here when she was done with it. Somewhere in the back of her head, she idly wondered where Cassie had got off to, but she had a sort of sixth sense which told her that her cousin was all right. Those other questionable princesses had most likely pulled her away from the action. Oh well, she could always retrieve the moon princess from them again later. Once she'd finished with this threat, they'd all see how awesome she was, and that she was the obvious choice to keep her cousin safe.

  So she batted aside the groaning undead like they were stuffed dummies, her radiant aura forcing them to the side as she passed. The beast was before her now, its hackles raised and its long teeth bared. Even it must sense the strength to be found in Princess Isabel Cœur de Lion Solaire, Paladin of the Dawn Order in the Holy Temple of Solastria, for it backed down with its ears pinned back in apparent confusion.

  Isabel raised her sword high, calling to it all the power of the Sun invested within her. Light like liquid sunbeams flowed across her, climbing up the length of steel, encasing it, doubling its size with a broad blade of sunshine laid over it. She would not even need to hit it directly with the steel, she knew; the light itself would be enough to damage and daze the beast, leaving it vulnerable to more attacks.

  The blade of steel and sun streaked through the night, its ethereal fire coming down squarely on the head of the beast. Any undead would have been cleft asunder, rendered instantly into dust, but all there was to show for her attack was a faint -clang-.

  The beast had caught the blade on its own horn, deflecting it away from danger. All the bright sunshine that had traveled with that blow dissipated, blown away like so much powder in the wind, and Isabel was left in the dark with only a slightly bent piece of metal in her hands and a very large, angry rabbit before her.

  It finally dawned on her that something was not right here.

  Natalie was a little slower on the uptake than her paladin, Uncle figured. He was beginning to feel a bit guilty about giving her all that metaphorical rope, now that she was in the process of hanging herself with it.

  "Whaddaya mean, it didn't work?" she was yelling. "Paladins have the power to deliver holy smitings, so that monster should be smote! Er, smited? Smitten? Something shoulda happened!" she concluded with a pout.

  "What should happen is different from what did happen," Uncle noted. "Both actually and grammatically. Alas, as it says right there on your reference card, the ability's name is 'smite evil,' and the rule's pretty firm on that. No evil, no smiting."

  "Well, how was I to know it wasn't evil? It was a big, hairy monster in the middle of a buncha zombies!"

  He tapped another one of her cards. "Paladins have a spell called 'detect evil' for a reason, yanno. Helps to avoid situations like this. As it is, you wasted a smiting, got a non-evil creature really ticked-off, and now it's time to face the consequences."

  "But, but..." Natalie's lip quivered. "I didn't know!"

  "You had plenty of chances to find out," said Uncle.

  "Nobody told me!"

  "Ya didn't ask," said Cynthia. Beside her, Katelyn gave her emphatic, if silent, agreement with some vigorous nodding.

  "Uncle did mention doing stuff before smiting," Helen pointed out.

  "But you went and did it anyway," Shelby concluded with a grunt. "Seriously, it's like you didn't even really look at the board before deciding to kill the wabbit. You missed all sorta little details."

  "No I didn't!"

  Claire wiggled in her seat. Where she and her cousin had been sitting hip-to-hip for most of the afternoon, there was now several inches of space between them. "Where's Cassie?" she asked. "Can you tell me that?"

  "Huh? Didn't the others evacuate her to safety?" Natalie asked.

  "No," said Shelby. "And anyway, that was supposed to be your job, remember? We got here a little for that."

  The new girl wasn't looking nearly as ebullient now. "Um, she didn't get killed by zombies, did she?"

  "No," said Uncle.

  "Eaten by the ravenous beast?"

  "Nope."

  "Then what the heck's going on!?" the girl whined.

  "Cassie is a moon princess," Claire tried to explain. "And... certain things can happen at certain times of the month..."

  "Better just spill it, or she'll completely misunderstand again," said Shelby. "You're starting to sound like my mom when she had to make the talk to me about periods and stuff."

  Claire took a deep breath. "Cassandrella prayed to the Moon for help so the Moon decided to change her into a giant bunny rabbit with a crescent horn in her forehead but it's only temporary and she'd never attack her friends!"

  Natalie was staring at the board now, realization finally dawning on her face. "You mean that monster was..."

  "Princess Cassandrella," Uncle confirmed. "Whom you just attempted to smite with intent to kill, in violation of your sworn oath and in full view of her goddess in the sky."

  The girl's response was short, rude, and -- while completely appropriate for the situation -- was not something that should be on the lips of either a paladin or a twelve-year-old girl. Uncle didn't begrudge her the expletive, though. To be honest, the situation probably deserved a lot more cussing than that.

  Realization was slowly seeping into Isabel's conscious mind, and it was not a pleasant experience in the least. Her hands refused to let go of her sword, useless as it now was, but her eyes never left those of the beast before her. It... the giant rabbit... rabbits were always Cassie's favorite... but, no! It couldn't be... Cassie couldn't be...

  It had Cassie's eyes, dark grey with a rim of silver that shimmered in the moonlight.

  The sword fell from her fingers, and words fell from her lips -- the sort of words that would scandalize her blessed mother to hear coming from her darling daughter. Isabel was still mumbling incoherent profanities as the rabbit pounced.

  Flora was distracted from the matter of the dead tree by another hideous shriek. Unlike the previous few, this one had come from a human throat, and her eyes flew to its source. Isabel was down on the ground, her sword a short ways away, and the paladin was now pinned under a good twelve stone of bunny rabbit. The druid princess kept a wary eye on them, but whatever Cassie'd turned herself into, she didn't seem in much hurry to kill anything that wasn't dead already.

  A bit above her, floating on the broomstick, Bianca was also staring. "Should we, yanno, help?" the little witch asked.

  "I think Cassie's got things well in paw," said Flora.

  "Not what I mea... eep!" Bianca banked to the left as a crooked branch swiped at her. With a loud crack, Flora's enchanted club fractured the aging wood, and the entire branch came tumbling down to her feet.

  "Think that's the last of the low branches," Flora announced as her lute returned to its proper shape.

  "Goody."

  Flora was about to suggest going to calm Cassie down -- if that was even possible -- when that pure white fluff glowed brightly once more. With a prolonged scream that was almost a howl, the giant bunny raised eyes, ears, and horn to the Moon in salute. Th
ere was a soft glow, to be answered by a very bright flash from the paladin's armor. The brilliant gold began to run, dripping from the metal like watery paint, until everything was left a drab grey that could hardly be distinguished from the round, even with the light of Bianca's little lamps to help.

  Before her eyes, the Moon finished its descent below the horizon, leaving the night even darker than before. The rabbit's pale glow lasted a few moments longer, fading as it shrank in on itself, and Cassie's human self collapsed over the still form of her cousin.

  "Can you handle things here?" she asked Bianca quickly. Most of the druid's work had been to suss out weak points in the wood; the dead tree was far too gone for her powers of green to have any positive effect on it. The little witch was going to have all the fun in a moment.

  Bianca nodded. "Be careful."

  That was easier said than done. Gwen and Selvi had done an excellent job of mowing down what shambling undead were left, but the ground was uneven and treacherous in the dark. The black energies of death were strong here, eclipsing the senses she would usually rely upon, and she also had to keep watch up above. With its lower branches broken, the dead tree was limited in its ability to grab things close-in, but its upper branches could bend farther out, and across most of the space between her and Cassie there was plenty of opportunity for a snatch.

  -Jump!- her senses told her. Blunted as they were, she barely avoided the spear-like thrust of an old branch. The gnarled wood plowed into the lifeless dirt, sending up a spray of grit. Flora rolled to the side, feeling more than seeing a second branch crash down. With her war cry of "El Kabong!" her lute resumed its duties as a professional blunt instrument, and she shattered both errant tree trunks with quick smacks of the spiked club.

  "Toad in the hole!" came the cry from Bianca, punctuated by a series of explosions. They went -bim-bam-bom-bam-BOOM! in neat order, hitting each weak spot on the tree just as Flora had directed. With a loud crash in the dark, the dead tree toppled over, falling to the ground in the exact opposite direction from where Cassie and Isabel now lay.

  Flora smiled to herself. Despite what some believed, druids were not completely against violence towards nature. Every garden could use a bit of pruning, now and then.

  Isabel was out cold when Flora reached them, and Cassie wasn't doing much better. The moon princess was shivering with exhaustion, and could hardly stutter out a few words of thanks before passing out in the druid's arms. Flora did her best to check her friend for serious injury, only to find none. Even the cracked ribs and broken arm had healed up, good as new, and she figgered that after a bit of rest, Cassie'd be fit as a fiddle.

  The paladin, on the other hand... Flora wasn't sure what to do there. Isabel didn't seem to be hurt, aside from the sort of minor scratches one might get while thrashing barely animate undead. Flora took a moment to pray away the specter of disease, but otherwise there wasn't anything to do. Isabel appeared to be in perfect condition, except that she wouldn't wake up, no matter how hard the druid slapped her face.

  After she realized that, Flora slapped it a few more times, just for good measure.

  "But... but..." Natalie's lower lip had yet to stop quivering. The tip of her nose had already turned red, and now her eyes were puffing up. She looked about as shocked as her paladin must have been, with the only difference being that the girl was still conscious. Uncle figured this counted as a TKO, at least. Certainly, it looked like Natalie would totally keel over at the slightest push.

  "But it's not fair!" The words ended with a squeak and a sob.

  Uncle sighed. "We've been over this..." Repeatedly, but the girl needed everything spelled out at the moment. "Paladins are held to a higher code. There are consequences to breaking that code. Princess Isabel broke it in a spectacularly bad manner. So right now, she is stripped of all her paladin abilities, including stuff like her bloodline powers and holy armor enchantment, until she's had the chance to go through an atonement ceremony. Which will have to be done at a temple, and probably only after proving herself penitent, so definitely not today. We're running short on time." And patience, he did not add.

  There was silence around the table for about three beats and then, with a sobbing wail, Natalie w out of her chair. She streaked across the restaurant floor and into the girls' restroom. The door slammed behind her.

  Max had been waiting in the wings, but now she swooped in to gather up dirty dishes. "Yanno," she said over the clinks and rattles, "I ought to spruce up the old powder room a bit, if you're going to be sending kids to hide in there on a weekly basis."

  "It's not like I'm trying to..." Uncle protested.

  "Ooh! Ooh!" said Claire. "Could you add a bookshelf with some comic books or something?"

  "I'll keep that in mind," Max promised with a wink. "Anything else I can get you all?"

  "Some aspirin, some antacid, and some whiskey to wash it down," Uncle replied, only half in gest. "You girls stay put. I've got to call Natalie's dad now."

  "...and that's what happened, sir," Uncle finished. It hadn't taken Mr. Perkins long to get there after the phone call had been made, but the explanation had been another matter entirely. Try as he might to keep things short and to the point, Natalie's older brother wouldn't stop butting in with questions about the game itself, until all the big plot details had been mentioned.

  "Whoa..." Kyle was suitably impressed, at least. "Why can't my group's games do stuff like that?"

  "Mixed blessing, kid." Uncle grimaced. "Interesting times, and all that. Still, I'd like to apologize. It should not have gotten as far as it did."

  "How long's she been holed up in there?" asked Mr. Perkins with a sigh. The look on the man's face was not one of surprise at all, not even at the start of the long explanation.

  "About twenty minutes now."

  "Still well short of her record." The next sigh was louder. "I know how my daughter can get. She promised to be on her best behavior, but..."

  "She got carried away, and things got out of hand," Uncle finished for him.

  "Exactly."

  At the table, the girls were all gathered around Helen. His niece was busy, her fingers flying as she sketched on some of his scrap paper. The others were holding sharpened pencils in a dozen colors, waiting to be of use. On the page, there was the picture of a girl, drawn to middle school standards with huge eyes and disproportionate head, and it only took a glance to tell who she was supposed to be. Black hair, tiara, golden armor with a sun-in-glory blazon: it was definitely Princess Isabel.

  "Spelling check," he said, pointing to the words on a rough plan lying next to the main event. "Cœur is spelled C-O-E-U-R, with the O and the E joined at the hip 'cause it's French like that."

  "Thanks," said Helen, fixing the word.

  "So what's all this, then?" he asked.

  He got a round table of guilty looks. "Well, um..." Helen began, "we were all sitting here and, um, got to feeling bad about how everything turned out..."

  "Not that she didn't deserve it," harrumphed Shelby.

  "...so we wanted to try and make it up to her somehow, and Katelyn suggested drawing a picture..."

  "...yeah. Pictures are good."

  "...and, well, Rob's your uncle, right?" Helen said with a grin.

  Her own uncle, not named Rob, chuckled. "I think you mean 'Bob's your uncle.' Your mom's back to watching BBC programming again, I take it. Well, it's a nice idea, at least. Be sure to add a unicorn in the background," he suggested.

  His niece nodded, and a few minutes later they had a rough portrait of Princess Isabel Cœur de Lion Solaire ready to present. The proportions were all wonky and the final coloring had been done by committee, but it wasn't half bad. Helen placed it inside a clear file and carefully slid it under the door of the girls' restroom.

  A moment later, the lock clicked and Natalie stepped out with art in hand. Her eyes were still puffy and her nose was still runny, but the sobbing had stopped. She sniffled a bit as she looked at the other girls,
but it was the sight of Claire that triggered the waterworks again.

  "I'm sorry!" She was half a head taller than her cousin, obvious now that she had Claire in a huglock. The bespectacled little girl was squirming from the crush. "I'm so so so so so so so..."

  "She gets the point," said Uncle. "Also, she needs to breathe."

  "SORRY!" Natalie relaxed her grip. "I was silly and selfish and I ruined everyone's day again, and..." She had to pause for a breath herself.

  "Can't say it wasn't interesting..." Cynthia ventured diplomatically. Around the circle, the other girls mumbled various sorts of vague agreement. Natalie brightened a little at the reassurances, meager as they were.

  Uncle walked the Perkinses out to the parking lot. "Dunno if she'd want to," he said softly to her father, "and dunno how well it would turn out, but Natalie's welcome to come back anytime."

  "We'll see." Mr. Perkins sighed again. It seemed to be a regular facet of his character. "I hope she at least learned something from this."

  "I think they all did," said Uncle, pointedly not looking at the broad window of Max's Pizza, where five girls were watching their steps. "Offer still stands."

  "Thank you." And with that, the Perkins family station wagon was off.

  It was quiet at the table when he came back inside. "Well," he said. "Are we on for next week?" After a session like today's, he wouldn't have blamed anyone for wanting a break. Instead, he got a ragged chorus of "Yeah" which, while a little downhearted, was still an affirmative.

  "Okay." He thought for a moment. "We'll pick up right from this point, next week. Only Selvi really got enough experience to go up a level from this fiasco, so this should give everyone a chance to catch up before the next big part. Claire, your princess will need to officially gain a level before she can commit to her new bunny-girl status, so no more transformation shenanigans before then. Capisce?"

  "Comprendo, tío de los juegos!"

  "Sorry, I took French in high school." He waited till the girls stopped giggling. Anyhoo, whether or not Natalie is back next week -- and odds are that she won't be -- you all get to drag Isabel through the next adventure as well. So, to give you something to think about..."