Retromancer

by Robert Rankin

  ‘They do?’ And I perked up considerably at this. ‘You have a new zodiac?’ I asked. ‘Like the Brightonomicon? Is it the Brentfordomicon this time?’

  ‘Don’t be absurd, Rizla, please.’

  ‘Then what?’

  ‘That is up to you.’

  ‘Please explain.’

  ‘It is for you and me to set things right, young Rizla.’

  ‘Form a Resistance movement, beat the Nazi invaders?’

  ‘Not as such, no.’ And Hugo Rune sucked more at his cigar.

  ‘You have a plan, do you not?’ I said.

  ‘Naturally. Twelve cases and we win the war.’

  ‘Twelve cases, I see.’ And I did. Well, sort of.

  ‘It is always twelve cases, as I have told you before. It is always to do with time and it always involves the solving of twelve Cosmic Conundra. It is what I do and what I am.’

  ‘And I will be proud to aid you,’ I said.

  ‘And aid me you will. And together we will win the war.’

  ‘And drive the evil Nazis out of Brentford,’ I said.

  ‘On the contrary, Rizla, we will see to it that they never invade.’

  ‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Now that might not be too easy. Seeing how they already have.’

  ‘Oh no they haven’t.’

  ‘Oh yes they have.’

  ‘Oh no they haven’t.’

  ‘They have.’

  ‘They have not!’ And Hugo Rune stamped a great foot, causing everything in the room to jump. Including me.

  ‘I think you will find that they have,’ I said. In a tiny whispery voice.

  But Hugo Rune shook his head. ‘Rizla,’ he said, ‘do you hear that?’ And he cupped his hand to his ear.

  I listened and then I said, ‘Your letterbox, by the sound of it.’

  ‘The paperboy,’ said Mr Rune. ‘Would you kindly fetch the paper?’

  And so I did. I left the wonderful room, traipsed along a wonderful hall, its walls made even more wonderful by the hangings of what I took to be the Rune family’s ancestral portraits. To a doormat that had yet to wear out its welcome. From where I took up the morning’s paper.

  I rolled it and tapped it against my thigh and returned to Mr Rune. ‘And?’ said he.

  ‘And what?’

  ‘The paper, Rizla, the paper.’

  ‘What about the paper?’ I asked.

  Hugo Rune made exasperated gaspings. ‘Just look at the paper,’ said he. ‘Just view the front page. And then you will know why the Gestapo are not after you and why the furnishings in this room are all intact and have not been destroyed by fire. Why the tweeds you are wearing seem so old-fashioned. And why we must win the war together and stop Brentford from ever being invaded.’

  And I sighed deeply and unrolled the paper and I perused the front page.

  And then I looked up at Mr Rune and said, ‘No.’

  And Mr Rune nodded his head and said, ‘Yes.’

  And then I said, ‘But it—’

  And he said, ‘It can and it is.’

  And I said, ‘No,’ once again.

  And he likewise said, ‘Yes.’

  And then I said, ‘But this means—’

  And Mr Rune nodded once more. ‘It means, young Rizla, that you and I are no longer in nineteen sixty-seven. You and I are now in nineteen forty-four.’

  7

  I did not faint this time. I felt that it would have been such a cliché to do so, and so I did not. I just stared at Mr Rune and asked, ‘How?’

  ‘The “how” need not concern you, Rizla. Only know that I brought these circumstances about. A great wrong has been done and we are the ones who must right this wrong. The Nazis must not win the Second World War. America must not be destroyed by an atomic holocaust. England must not be invaded. Are you with me on this?’

  ‘I am,’ I said. And I was. ‘But please tell me how you transported us through time. Do you have a time machine, or a police telephone box, or something?’

  Hugo Rune did enigmatic tappings of the nose. ‘The magician never divulges how his magic is accomplished,’ said he. ‘But know that you and I are now in nineteen forty-four. This house, my manse, is a safe haven - we inhabited it in nineteen sixty-seven, therefore it does not get bombed in the time we now inhabit. But out there—’ and Mr Rune waved his hands towards the world beyond his home ‘—there is great danger, Rizla. A war wages. We must be ever upon our guard.’

  ‘One question,’ I said. ‘Although countless spring readily to mind. One question, please. This is your house and has been for many years, am I correct?’ And Mr Rune nodded. ‘So you owned this house during the Second World War?’ He nodded again. ‘And did you live in it then?’

  ‘Aha,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘You are thinking to yourself, where is the Hugo Rune of nineteen forty-four? Will I bump into my former self and cause some cosmic paradox to occur that might rend the fabric of time and bring about the destruction of the universe. Yes?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I just did not fancy the prospect of having two of you nicking my breakfast.’

  Oh how we laughed.

  Then we stopped.

  ‘Twelve Cosmic Conundra,’ said Mr Rune. ‘Twelve cases that we must solve in order to defeat the Nazi peril, save America, save Mankind, secure a future for England that is free and liberated.’

  ‘I am for all of that,’ I said and I raised an imaginary glass.

  ‘And so it falls to you, Rizla. Through your choice, or at least through you, shall the cases be chosen.’

  ‘How?’ I asked. And not without reason, I think.

  ‘Through these.’ And Mr Rune produced from his pocket a small leather box.

  ‘A cigarette case,’ I said, ‘containing Wild Woodbines, I hope.’

  ‘A card case,’ said Mr Rune, ‘containing a set of tarot cards, designed by myself and illustrated by a delightful creature by the name of Lady Frieda Harris. Tarot cards, young Rizla. Tarot cards.’

  ‘Then you intend to read my fortune?’

  ‘No!’ Hugo Rune did once more the stamping of his foot. And once more everything jumped.

  ‘I wish you would not do that,’ I told him. ‘It fair puts the wind up me.’

  ‘Then pay attention. This is my personal tarot deck. Each card is symbolic. Heavily symbolic. Each represents a potential Cosmic Conundrum. You will shuffle the pack and you will deal out twelve cards. The future of Mankind depends upon this.’

  ‘Oh my,’ I said. And, ‘Oh dear. I do believe that this would be a responsibility well beyond myself. Please do the shuffling and dealing out, Mr Rune. You know so much and I know nothing. It would be better if you did the dealing out. Yes?’

  ‘No!’ And there almost came another stamp. But not quite. Mr Rune’s foot hovered airwards and I took the card case from his hands.

  ‘Now take yourself over to the breakfasting table, which you will notice has been cleared of its breakfasting paraphernalia by an agency of my commission—’

  ‘A demon?’ I said. ‘A calling?’

  ‘My butler, Gammon.’

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘Deal twelve cards. Go on, now.’

  And so it came to pass. I took the card case and returned to the breakfasting table. I took the cards from the case and slowly, but thoroughly, shuffled them. They were beautiful cards, each unique, gorgeously wrought, magical and mystical, and I was quite entranced.

  ‘Shuffle them up and then deal out twelve.’

  And so that came to pass.

  I shuffled the beautiful cards and then I dealt twelve. Onto the linen tablecloth, twelve cards, in a circle, as if they were the numbers on a clock face.

  And I stared down upon the cards that I had dealt.

  And Mr Rune came forwards and peered over my shoulder. And then he called out the numbers and the names that were written upon those twelve cards.

  0 THE FOOL

  1 THE MAGICIAN

  2 THE HIGH PRIESTESS

  7 THE CHARIOT

/>   9 THE HERMIT

  10 THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE

  11 JUSTICE

  12 THE HANGÈD MAN

  13 DEATH

  16 THE TOWER

  18 THE MOON

  19 THE SUN

  And then Mr Rune said, ‘Well done, Rizla. Now choose one, from anywhere, choose one.’

  I pointed and I said, ‘THE HERMIT.’

  And Mr Rune said, ‘What an excellent choice. That will be our first case.’

  8

  THE HERMIT

  So there I was in nineteen forty-four.

  I was eager to get out and about. I was also filled with questions. How had Mr Rune conveyed us through time? How had history changed so drastically as to require this miraculous conveyancing? But more than anything, I did want to get out and about. Have a shufti, as it were, see what lay beyond the walls of Mr Rune’s marvellous manse. See what the Brentford of nineteen forty-four looked like. A little perambulation about the borough could surely do no harm at all.

  But Mr Rune said no.

  He seemed genuinely concerned for my safety and impressed upon me again that dire consequences might well come to pass from my wanderings.

  ‘You must understand, Rizla,’ said he to me. Over breakfast it was, I recall. ‘We are strangers in this particular portion of time. We should not really be here. A wrong move on our part could easily result in some future calamity. We are here in the past to alter the future, after all. But to alter it correctly, as it were. We tread a fine line; care must be our watchword.’

  ‘I will not break anything,’ I said. ‘I just want to have a look around Brentford. You can understand this, surely.’

  ‘I understand all,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘Trust me, I am an avatar.’

  ‘Then you must know that I will not cause any harm.’

  And perhaps he did, or knew to the contrary, but he forbade me to leave the house, so I just sat and sulked.

  ‘You’ll turn the powdered milk sour,’ said Mr Rune. ‘Perk up and read from the paper. You are au fait with my method of doing things. Seek us out a case.’

  The daily paper in question was the borough’s organ, the Brentford Mercury. This venerable news-sheet, founded by the legendary Victorian newspaper magnate Sir Cecil Doveston in eighteen seventy-five, had hardly changed its basic format since that time. Indeed, but for the date, and the general contents, the copy I held in my hand seemed all but identical to any one that I might have held, or did hold, or would hold, in nineteen sixty-seven. Some things were just built to last and a classic never dates.

  I read aloud the banner headline.

  BRENTFORD ALLOTMENTEERS DIG FOR VICTORY

  The Brentford Mercury always led with local news, no matter the nature or importance of ongoing world events. I recall that on the day after Kennedy’s assassination it ran a front-page article about the local electrical shop stocking a new make of battery.

  ‘Thrilling stuff,’ I said, and I made a certain face.

  ‘It’s an improvement on the sulky one,’ said the breakfasting avatar, ‘but not much. Dig into the inside pages, worm us out a little nugget on which to hang our first case. Let us do some digging for victory.’

  I shrugged and said, ‘I will never understand the logic in your method of doing things.’

  ‘And I trust that you never will. Now dig.’

  And so I turned pages and dug.

  ‘A woman in Chiswick has given birth to a child the shape of a vacuum cleaner,’ I said.

  ‘Dig further.’

  ‘Brentford Football Club have beaten Manchester United four-nil,’ I said. And I whistled as I said it, and after I had said it too.

  ‘And that is something they will do again. But a long way into the future and in quite another story altogether.’2

  ‘Aha,’ I said. ‘Perhaps this is it. “SCIENTIST VANISHES”. Is that the kind of thing you are looking for?’

  ‘What do you think?’ Mr Rune asked, as his hand snaked out towards my bacon.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think that it is. I recall that the first Brightonomicon case we took on involved a lost dog. I think the case of a missing scientist might be a suitable one with which to begin our new quest. Would you care for me to go and take a stroll around the borough and see if I can find him by myself?’

  Mr Rune did shakings of his head and swallowings too of my bacon. ‘From where did this scientist go missing?’ he enquired, once he had swallowed.

  I skimmed through the article and read aloud from it.

  Professor James Stigmata Campbell, a particle physicist working for the Ministry of Home Affairs, vanished from his laboratory in mysterious circumstances. His cellar laboratory was locked from the inside and his clothes were found strewn upon the floor. Professor Campbell had most recently announced a significant breakthrough in his field of endeavour, which he had been expected to deliver in a paper to a meeting of the Fellows of the Royal Society tonight. Police are baffled.

  ‘Perfect,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘And now go and answer the telephone. ’

  ‘But the telephone is not ringing.’

  Mr Rune cupped a hand to his ear, counted three and the telephone rang.

  I rose, a-shaking of my head, put down the newspaper and went off to answer the phone.

  A fussy-voiced fellow in a state of considerable agitation demanded to speak to ‘that scoundrel Rune’. I asked him his name and he said it was Mr McMurdo. I placed my hand over the receiver and conveyed this intelligence to Mr Rune.

  He mouthed the word ‘perfect’ once again. Said, ‘Tell him I will be right with him,’ then settled down for a nap.

  I did as Mr Rune had told me, then put down the receiver and returned to my newspaper.

  Some time later Hugo Rune rose and took up the phone.

  Words were exchanged and then Mr Rune said, ‘You may consider the case of your missing scientist Professor Campbell as good as solved.’

  He then replaced the telephone receiver, announced that now all was as it should be and counselled me to put on my socks and brogues as we were going out. And then he gave me a little box affair on a strap and told me that I must wear it over my shoulder at all times. I asked exactly what it might be and Mr Rune said that it was a gas mask.

  ‘But the Germans never used gas in the Second World War,’ I said. ‘Everyone knows that.’

  ‘And they never used the atom bomb either. According to what everyone thought they knew.’

  ‘Good point,’ I said. ‘Whatever it means.’ And I accepted my gas mask. ‘Will you be wanting me to hail a taxi?’ I asked, with justifiable trepidation, recalling as I did Mr Rune’s brutality towards cab drivers.

  ‘I think not, Rizla,’ said the guru’s guru, shrugging on a magnificent ulster coat. ‘Have you ever travelled on a tram?’

  And I had not. As a child I had travelled on trolley buses and I remembered those well. But trams I had only seen in the Transport Museum, and the prospect of travelling upon one held considerable charm.

  ‘Top deck,’ said Mr Hugo Rune. ‘Then you will see wartime London.’

  And so we travelled by tram. They ran the length of Brentford High Street - for in these times you could travel from Hounslow to the City of London by tram. And oh what a noise they made. And what a smell too. That electrical ozone smell that you generally associate only with bumper cars. And oh what sights I saw from the top deck of that tram. And oh how they saddened me greatly.

  London was in ruins. I had never imagined the scale of the damage. Yes, I had seen The World at War3 on television and I knew about the Blitz. But it seemed that hardly a house or a shop or a church or a public building had escaped some kind of damage. The destruction was heartbreaking; civilisation was literally being torn to pieces.

  I must have made a very glum face at this, and I know that a tear or two took shape in my eyes. Mr Rune could see my distress and he told me to brighten up and offered me a fag.

  ‘A Capstan Full Strength,’ said he. ‘If you are intendin
g to smoke, then do it as you would do any other thing - by fearlessly jumping in at the deep end. The poodle of perspicacity must bow its furry knee before the spaniel of spontaneity.’

  And who was I to doubt him?

  I had noticed, due to the fug and general stench, that the upper deck of the tram was the haunt of smokers and so I accepted Mr Rune’s offer and took to the ruining of my health as I viewed more ruination.

  And sick at heart I felt as we travelled on that tram. I watched the gallant lads of the Auxiliary Fire Service dousing smouldering remains and members of the Ambulance Corps loading shrouded bodies into their canvas-cloaked lorries. I also saw members of the Home Guard coming and going and it looked for all the world to me as if it was some great film set for a wartime movie.

  But I knew that it was none of this. It was real. The destruction and death. The sorrow and desperation. And I realised that I was now part of it. That Mr Rune and I were on a quest upon the outcome of which clung the lives of millions. This was no laughing matter.

  Not that I felt like laughing. My unfailing cheerfulness had now failed me. I could not imagine that I would ever be happy again. That anyone who had experienced any of this could ever be happy again.

  Although.

  Well, my Aunt Edna had been through the Blitz. She had served in the Fire Brigade. And throughout my childhood, she had always been cheery enough. She had got over the horror. And so it seemed had most people of that generation. They had struggled through. And if they had survived intact they had been grateful for it and struggled on.

  And I had heard about the Blitz Spirit.

  Although I could not really see any evidence of that right here and now.

  ‘Perhaps we should have taken the Underground,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘This must be difficult for you.’

  ‘I will survive,’ I said. ‘But it is terrible. Awful. I had no idea that it would be as dreadful as this.’

  ‘And it could get so very much worse. Which is why we are here to put things aright. Are you enjoying that Capstan?’