by A. M. Brooks
We ran to where Ethan’s car was parked. We pulled away and out of the complex before I was asking her to pull over. I threw myself out of the car in time to heave up what was left in my stomach. I gasped around the bile and tears streamed down my face mixing in. I sobbed harder when I felt Lily rubbing my back.
“I can’t,” I cried between the sobs that were wracking my body.
“It’s okay,” she soothed, running a hand down my arm. We stayed there until I stopped shaking. Without saying a word, we got back in the car and stopped at my house.
“Want me to stay?” She turned the vehicle off. I shook my pounding head. I felt exhausted.
“Thanks though.” My voice was scratchy from puking.
I was inside before I heard the engine start again and take off. Thankfully my dad wasn’t home, he probably wasn’t even expecting I’d be home tonight. The house was dark and quiet as I made my way up to my room. I stood in front of the mirror looking at my reflection. A few short hours ago I had been happy and excited for the romantic evening. The girl looking back at me now looked like a ghost of broken dreams. I pulled each and every bobby pin from my hair while tears fell down my cheeks. When my hair cascaded around me, I unzipped the dress and let the fabric fall to the floor. I didn’t bother to hang it up as I reached for my sleep shirt and crawled into bed.
In the dark, alone, I cuddled my pillow to my chest and let myself go to the emotions. Times like this I really hated my mom for abandoning me. I missed her. I needed her, and I could imagine she would have been sitting by me, pulling her fingers through my hair. But she wasn’t, and I was alone. I didn’t know how to deal with a boy I cared about destroying his life. I didn’t know how to deal with the way he chose to handle things when he was questioned. I couldn’t believe he humiliated me again after the promises we made. After the way we were opening up to each other. My heart ached for that naive girl, that lonely girl who wanted it all, love and friendship. Those thoughts stayed with me until my breathing evened out and my eyes closed in exhaustion.
Depression could be hereditary. When my mom died, I saw a therapist for a month before we moved. She asked me weekly if I was feeling helpless, hopelessness, and if I was struggling with my usual routine. I had been thirteen then. The most helpless I felt was if an episode of my favorite reality show wasn’t on that week. Until that day, I had not realized that being sad or lonely could trigger someone to end their lives. Struggle, being helpless, was my existence every day now. I didn’t want to end my life. My heart had just stopped beating.
The Monday after the dance our argument had gone viral. Some shitty person had video recorded the whole altercation and altered the “good parts.” It had become a music video, a meme, and running joke to make a blow job motion in front of me. I watched Darrian laugh about it. He openly sang the chorus to the music video during lunch, the only hour we had together. I watched helplessly as once again the people I was letting back in started to pull away again. Followers, all of them. Ethan and Elijah gave me space but were not cruel at least. Lily continued on as always by my side. I made it through the day of school before climbing back in my bed and crying my eyes out. With only four days to go until winter break, I had begged my dad to let me stay home, convinced him I was sick, had cramps, girl stuff. Of course being a man he was clueless and called me in sick every day.
Tears stung my eyes now thinking about it. Two weeks had passed with the holiday and break. I couldn’t even say I enjoyed the time away being shut in my house alone most of the time. Lily and Ethan stopped over a few times to keep me company but eventually left for a holiday party or family get-together.
Getting off the bus in front of the school today sent my stomach spiraling to my toes and threatening my breakfast to come back up. I pulled my hood farther down my face and wrapped my arms around my middle, hugging the bulky coat I was wearing closer to my body. I knew I had lost weight in the past few weeks, causing some of my clothes to appear baggy on my usually toned body. I kept my head down, my eyes trained on the front doors. I only had to make it through them to complete my goal for the day. Anything after that was fair game. I could leave if I wanted or stay if things were safe. Blood pounded in my head as I heard murmuring around me. I felt something pelt the back of my jacket followed by laughter, but I kept walking.
Yanking open the door, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I pushed back my hood taking a deep breath before heading toward the office. I hadn’t been mailed my second semester class schedule like everyone else. Lily thought maybe my dad didn’t call in to update the school. Either way, I started the first day of the second semester finding the office.
A sense of deja vu had me turning and glancing toward the senior hallway. Right away I knew it was a mistake. Darrian leaned against his locker with Cody, Marcus, Mikayla, and Hannah. Without being right next to him, I could tell Darrian was high. His hands were moving a mile minute while he was getting amped up saying something to Cody. Everyone laughed before Hannah reached over and ran her hand down Darrian’s chest. His eyes and mine followed the motion. He grabbed her hand, stopping it when she neared the top of his jeans. I closed my eyes against the sight, gritting my teeth.
With my new class schedule in hand, I studied it while heading to my locker. I noticed I had Mr. Brusk for history again at the end of the day this time, but other than that my schedule was completely changed. I frowned when I noticed I was now in the second lunch period instead of the first. I remembered Lily had said she was in the first lunch again. I sighed, rubbing my fingers against my temples. The only good thing about the new schedule was that I had my elective class this semester as I had completed my science credit last semester. I shuddered, remembering how hard it had been to pick my grades up. I was a nervous wreck for finals but had somehow passed all my classes with a B average. It wasn’t horrible, but I knew I needed to do better this semester if UCLA was my top choice.
“You okay so far?” Lily asked, sliding up next to me at my locker. I nodded then winced.
“Hannah and Darrian?” I asked, feeling weak for caring so much.
“Mmm, she tried hard over break,” she told me, frowning. “I can’t handle her anymore, to be honest, she’s been so two-faced.”
I nodded shoving my last book in the locker. “What’s your first class?” I asked as we started down the hallway.
“Eww. Math,” she said, fake gagging.
I laughed but was happy.
“Finally, we have a class together!” I jumped a little.
“Good!” she said smiling back. “But still what a sucky way to start the day.”
“True, but at least it’s done and over with for the day,” I reassured us both.
“True.” She shuffled her book around looking at her cell phone which had pinged as we walked. “Ugh,” she groaned next to me.
“What?” I asked, finding myself smiling again.
“Nothing,” she shrugged. “Just stupid sign making again tonight.”
“Oh,” I said, my smile fading from my face. Of course I hadn’t been invited. I hadn’t talked to any of the girls since the dance.
“I’m sorry, Nora,” Lily said, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“It’s okay,” I shrugged, trying to force a smile. “Your boyfriend needs a nice sign still.”
She laughed. “Yeah, although I’m not sure how much it will help. They still won but played like crap over break. They have two games this week before next week’s away game to Athlos. They better fix their shit.”
“How bad?” I asked, curious since most people were raving about the game.
“Bad,” she said. “They were just really out of sync. The only good thing was the other teams couldn’t keep up or else I really think we would have lost.”
“Wow,” I said, stunned.
“I know,” she said before leaning into me closer. “It’s that damn B+, I’m telling you.”
“Wouldn’t doubt it,” I replied, lost
in my head when we finally got to class.
Lily and I took seats in the back and no one said a thing to us the whole period. The papers had boasted about how well the team had played over break and that Darrian was close to breaking the school record in points. There had also been rumors that a few colleges were ready to make offers on a few of our players depending on the Athlos game. I had tried blocking out the information, but it seemed everywhere I went it was staring me in the face.
After math, Lily and I went our separate ways. On my own, I was an open target. Sadly, it appeared the way to bully me this time was to flat out ignore people. At my locker a couple was making out and no matter how many times I asked they refused to move. People walked past me muttering “loser” or worse under their breath but kept walking instead of engaging. I had become invisible. Well, almost, “Slutton” once again was written over my locker in black Sharpie marker. I “accidentally” sat in gum during English too.
Spanish was once again my reprieve subject where no one seemed to know what was going on outside of those four walls. Thankfully, I also had photography after Spanish. There were few seniors or juniors in the class, but I didn’t mind being the oldest. Everyone was invested in their craft and worked hard on the computers altering their design. I was impressed. Gym was horrible again. Not only because it was gym, but Trent was not with me this time. Mikayla, Hannah, and her posse of blondes, however, were. There were few guys in gym this time. It was bound to get catty in here.
By the time I made it to lunch, I was starving. I loaded my tray, not caring about the snickers of other girls nearby. To my dismay, Darrian sat at the same table in the far corner. He hadn’t seen me yet, so I kept my eyes lowered until I saw a familiar ponytail facing away from me. I took a deep breath, walking over to her table. I stopped in front of her, her eyes raised up in surprise.
“I’m a terrible friend. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was just ditching you for a boy when all you ever were was nice to me. I’m also a whore today if you believe the gossip.” I laughed harshly at my last words.
Olivia had been nothing but kind and never added to the drama that plagued me last fall. Once I was back with Darrian, she and I exchanged waves, but they were few and far between. I remembered what she had said to me the first day she sat with me about not liking the Kings. In return, I had started dating one and hadn’t taken the time to explain things to her or to keep her in my life.
“Just sit,” she said around the apple she was biting into. Shocked I sat down quickly. “So, you’re a whore this time?” she asked, hiding a smile.
“Apparently,” I answered trying not to laugh. “Although I don’t know how I have time for all this activity between also being a bad friend and homework.”
She rolled her eyes. “You aren’t a bad friend.” This time I was the one who raised my eyebrows. She laughed. “Well, not a really bad friend anyway.”
“I’m sorry, Olivia,” I told her sincerely.
She shrugged. “Don’t be. You’re in love with a King and he turned into an asshole. You took a chance on that relationship which is commendable. I just didn’t want you to get hurt again.”
I thought about her words, taking a bite of my salad. Love. I don’t think I was in love with Darrian, but I couldn’t deny I developed strong feelings for him. Feelings that apparently were always one-sided.
“Thanks for caring,” I replied, trying not to choke up.
“What’s his deal this time anyway?” she asked, nodding over to where he was. Tables and bodies away and I was still aware of him. Could still see him in my peripheral vision sitting at the table with a Gatorade in his hand as Hannah got as close as possible to him. Ethan and Elijah somehow also had lunch this period too. The other girls must be in Lily’s lunch though as I didn’t see them. Just Mikayla and her girls and Cody, the guy I was remembering always hung out closely with Roman.
It was my turn to shrug. “He’s making stupid decisions and made it perfectly clear he didn’t want me to care about him,” I answered truthfully.
“Hmm,” she said, scrutinizing me. “And that makes you a whore?”
I laughed. “Apparently.”
“Well, if it isn’t the gang all back together again,” a silky voice announced next to us before a body was sliding into the seat next to me.
“Oh my God, Trent,” I said, throwing my arm around him in a side hug.
“Long time no see, Sutton,” he laughed, giving the end of my hair a small tug.
“Too long,” I said, looking back and forth between the two of them.
We ate lunch like three friends catching up. Neither one of them held it against me that I had fallen off the face of the earth when I became “King’s girl.” I also learned Emily, the naked bumblebee, had moved this semester and she and Trent had decided not to try long distance. As he told the story, I could see Olivia rolling her eyes. I would have to ask her about that at another time. Halfway through lunch, our table was once again bombarded as another girl with long dark hair sat down next to Olivia.
“I’m Shea,” she introduced herself. Like Olivia, Shea was stunning and was from the Philippines. “My family moved here when I was a baby,” she shared. Unlike Olivia, Shea was a little bubblier and less serious. At the end of lunch, I had caught on to what was going on.
When Shea left for class, I turned to Olivia. “You two?” I asked.
“Shhh,” she said, looking around. “It’s new and her parents are super religious.”
“I won’t say anything, I promise.” I held up the scout’s honor. “I just honestly didn’t know.”
“I don’t tell many people,” she said, chewing nervously on her bottom lip.
“Liv,” I said quietly. “It’s fine. Nothing is wrong with you, her, or you two together. We can’t help who we love,” I said sadly.
“I, for one, think it’s awesome,” Trent said smiling to ease the moment.
“You would,” I said laughing. “You’re a guy.” We all laughed.
I felt his gaze on me without having to make eye contact. A flush spread up my neck to my cheeks and my hands shook with nerves.
“Let’s get to class,” I said hurriedly, anxious to be out of the lunchroom that was beginning to feel claustrophobic. Fear crept up my spine similar to the way turning your back to a dark room in the house felt. With concerned looks, they followed me out, Trent throwing away our trays. Finally, standing in the empty hallway, I felt the tension leave my body. Olivia gave me a sympathetic smile. I had almost made it through the whole day and was determined not to stop now.
“Thanks,” I told them both. Thankful that again I didn’t have to explain myself or my actions. They understood, and they got me.
We walked to my locker and everyone ignored the Sharpie graffiti. I made it through gym unscathed by myself. By history, I had calmed myself down and began to think about how lucky I was that Olivia and Trent could forgive and forget. I swore to myself I wouldn’t become a bad friend to them again. I was determined to make it through this school year and all the followers and fake friends be damned. Bebe Rexha’s “F.F.F” played in my mind as I took notes. I was determined to make it out of Araminta High then out of Araminta altogether.
I couldn’t help myself as I watched Darrian cross line after line, week after week. I wouldn’t categorize myself as a stalker. I was more obsessed seeing his erratic behavior when he was low and watching the glazed expression in his eyes once he was high. He was high more than he was sober and flirted with trouble constantly. More than a few times, I caught a teacher wanting to second guess what they were seeing but like a good flock of sheep they stayed silent. Ethan and Elijah constantly picked up his mess. The strain in Ethan’s frame was evident as I watched from my protected corner of the lunchroom. I smiled feeling justified in my actions the night of the Snowball dance by wanting to protect him. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t clingy. My smile faltered though when I saw Mikayla walk over and sit across his lap. One look and anyone coul
d tell that she was using as well. Shaking my head, I stared at my plate in front of me, willing myself not to cry. It had been over a week with no tears. I wasn’t surprised by their behaviors, but I couldn’t say that I wasn’t hurt. Darrian had once again taken a sledgehammer to my heart. I wondered if he could hear the crack split a little farther each time he told me to walk away from him.
“Earth to Nora,” I heard across from me.
“Sorry,” I said, meeting Olivia’s eyes. She had a knowing look on her face but spared me from talking about it anyway.
“The track, Saturday, you’re going right?” she asked.
“Yup, I’ll be there,” I said, smiling at Trent who sat next to me.
It had become a new thing for us over the weekend. I would study during the day and depending on how far I made it into my homework, I either went both nights to the races or just on Sunday nights. Olivia usually went to both. Shea and Lily usually made it to one or the other as well. There were never any run-ins with Darrian’s crew, and I was glad. The crowd at the track were usually college students, or they were family of the racers. Trent’s parents worked the weekends, so we were his fan base. He smiled back at me. He smiled like he could be the poster boy for Mr. All-American. I felt twisted inside that I couldn’t develop romantic feelings for Trent. He was nice to everyone. He would be safe though and that was why we were better off as friends right now. I was the broken one who sought out and was attracted to recklessness with lip piercings. Boys who were off limits.
“Anyone going to the away game tonight?” Shea asked. Excitement flashed in her eyes.
“Uh,” Trent said, looking around uncomfortably.
“Wasn’t planning on it,” Olivia told her while keeping her eyes on me.
“It’s supposed to be a good game,” I said nonchalantly. I kept my eyes on the apple in my hand. Of course I knew the game was tonight. It was the most anticipated game of the year against the rival school Athlos. It’s all I had heard about when I was with Darrian. It was all that had been broadcasted over the school all week.