“Brooke brought this for you,” he said walking in with a cup of frozen yogurt.
“I don’t want it.”
“Baby, you really gotta eat.”
“No,” I said, turning away from him.
I heard him groan and then the door shut. Turning over I saw that he’d left the room. I knew he was hurting too, but the more I pulled away, the better. It was better for both of us because when I left, he’d miss me less and could move on quickly.
* * *
Day Five Without Our Baby
I got out of bed on day five. I made it as far as the couch in the living room.
“Hey,” Avery said, walking over to me.
“Hey,” I replied.
“Want something to eat?”
“No.” I shook my head.
“Can I sit with you?”
I stared into his eyes, trying not to cry, trying to show him that I was okay, but I wasn’t. It was all a façade because I was just biding my time until it was the perfect time to leave. “Sure,” I whispered.
He sat, taking my feet to lay across his lap. We sat in silence staring at the TV. I watched as people moved across the screen, but I wasn’t really watching. I had no desire for entertainment.
After a few minutes, Avery finally spoke. “I have to go to Halo for at least an hour.”
“Okay.”
He didn’t know that I was waiting for him to slip out the door so I could leave. He deserved someone better. Someone who wouldn’t risk their baby by almost getting into a bar fight. Someone who was stronger than me. I thought I was strong, but nothing could prepare me for how weak I felt after losing our baby.
He got off the couch, took a quick shower and kissed me goodbye. I waited ten minutes to make sure that he wasn’t coming back right away. Then I threw my clothes in my suitcase, wrote him a cowardly note, and took off back to Boston, watching New York fade in my rearview mirror yet again.
When Nicole told me that she was pregnant, I knew that I would love her forever. But the moment when the doctor told us that there was no longer a heartbeat, I fell more in love with Nicole. I didn’t know why, but I did. Maybe it was the way she mourned the loss of our baby, mourned the loss of something we created. Maybe it was because it left us both open and broken and the only person that could put me back together was her.
At least that was what I thought.
I stayed by Nicole’s side for five days after we received the news, and when I thought we were back on an upward roller coaster, she’d proved me wrong. I came home to an empty townhouse with a note from Nicole on the entry table where we stored our keys.
Avery,
Know that I will always love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you.
-Nicole
I stared at the note.
She left me?
Nicole left me because she didn’t think she was strong enough for me. When truth was, she was the strongest woman I’d ever been with. She was a fighter. She was my fighter—my Laila.
I called Nicole on her cell. I knew she wouldn’t answer, but I had to try.
I was right. I couldn’t believe it was over. I watched the whole thing fall apart in front of my eyes, but I never saw the signs. I thought we’d get past this. That it was just a bump in the road. The doctor told us that miscarriages were common. It didn’t mean that Nicole wasn’t strong, it meant she was human. I thought that Nicole was just mourning the loss of our baby. I didn’t know that she was mourning the loss of us.
If I’d known, I wouldn’t have walked out the door to check on Halo. I’d thought five days was enough time. Nicole had finally gotten out of bed. I thought that she got out of bed because she was feeling better. Not because she had one foot out the door and was ready to make her escape.
Didn’t she know?
Didn’t she know that I was mourning, too?
We lost something together. Something that had slipped through our fingers. Something we were meant to go through together, not alone when we were each other’s glue. I would never leave Nicole alone to go through the loss. I loved her. Loved everything about her and if she wasn’t able to have my baby, I’d be okay with that because she was mine. She was my one.
But the darkness had won. She’d left.
I tried Nicole’s cell again—hoping, praying, needing her to come back.
She didn’t answer.
So I called Brooke.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Tell me Nicole’s with you.”
“No?”
“Fuck!” I shouted, rubbing my hand down my face.
“What’s wrong?”
“She left, B.B. Nic left me.”
“What do you mean she left you?”
“I came home to a fucking note. Her clothes are gone—she’s gone.”
“She’s gone?”
“Yeah,” I whispered, a tear running down my cheek.
“How could she just leave?”
“I don’t know, but she did. What do I do?”
“Let me call her. I’ll call you back.”
I ended my call with Brooke, wondering if Nicole had gone back to Boston. It was the only thing I could think of since she wasn’t with Brooke. A few minutes later Brooke called me back.
“She’s not answering my calls either.”
“What do I do? I can’t lose her.”
“We’ll figure this out. We’ll find her.”
“Do you think she went back to Boston?”
“Maybe…”
“Why would she just leave me?”
“I’ve known women who have miscarried other than Nicole. They feel like a piece of them are gone and they go into a deep depression.”
“But I was here. I would have done anything for her.”
“I know. And Nicole probably knows that too. But sometimes your mind feeds you bullshit. Let me call her mom and see if Nicole’s there.”
“I wasn’t gone long enough for her to be there yet.”
“Well, let me call her to see if she’s at least heard from her. No sense in you driving there if she isn’t on her way to Boston.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to tell her how much I loved her. She just left. She fucking left.
“Well?”
“She hasn’t heard from her.”
“What the fuck?”
“I don’t know, Av. Where would she go?”
“Only to your place or her parents’…right?”
“What if she packed her bags, wanting to leave, but she didn’t make it out of town and changed her mind?”
“What do you mean?”
“Is there a place that’s a special place or anything?”
I thought for a moment. “Maybe?”
“Why don’t you go there and see if she’s there. Call me back and I’ll keep trying to get ahold of her.”
“Okay. Thanks.” I pushed the End button on my cell.
The only place I could think of was our tree with the pink flowers where I told Nicole I’d loved her for the first time.
I arrived at the park and didn’t see Nicole’s car. My heart dropped. While I drove to the park, I was hopeful that Nicole was there. I was hopeful that I could talk to her, show her that I wanted her to stay, show her that I needed her to stay.
Getting out of my truck, I decided to make sure she wasn’t at the tree. I was right. The closer I got to the tree, I could tell she wasn’t there. The leaves and flowers had already fallen off from the seasons changing. When I ran my hand over the heart with our initials carved in the bark, my heart broke more.
How could she leave me?
I just wanted her to stay. To stay with me. I was hurting too and Nicole walking out the door wasn’t going to solve anything; it was only going to make it worse.
A few people were walking dogs, holding hands, laughing, and all I could do was cry. I tried not to show it. I was a man after all, but my heart was breaking.
It was being ripped from my chest slowly each time I thought of her. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be in a relationship because just when I thought that I found the one, she took my heart and dangled it in front of my eyes.
I tried Nicole again on her cell, she still wasn’t answering. I sent her text after text after text with no response. Not only was I upset that she left, but I was worried that something had happened to her.
Dusk turned to darkness as I sat under our tree waiting for Nicole to show or at least text me back. The light jacket that I had on allowed the cold wind to seep through, but I couldn’t feel anything. What was worth feeling if the only person that made me feel had left me?
I’d planned to go to my parents’ house, move back in, and ask Dr. Sam if I could have my job back. But as soon as I’d left the city, I turned around. I needed to think about what I was doing. I had five days to think about it, but Avery was there and each time I looked at his face, I changed my mind. I felt like I was trapping him. Giving him hope that everything would eventually be okay in time.
I loved Avery.
I loved him more than I’d ever loved anyone before.
When I turned my car around, there was only one place that I wanted to go. When Avery told me that he loved me under our tree in the park, I knew that the tree would be forever ours. I would always remember how he made me feel that day. How he’d told me he loved me. How I thought moving in with him was going to be a step closer to our future. We didn’t know that I was pregnant at the time. All I knew was that we were in love and that was all I’d needed.
When I found out that I was pregnant and Avery was excited to finally become a father, I wanted more than love. I wanted a family, my own family. I’d always wanted one, but seeing the joy on his face solidified how right everything felt. Now that we weren’t going to be a family, what was the point?
While I sat under our tree, I saw Avery’s name pop up on my cell phone screen. I knew leaving him a note was a coward’s way out. I wanted to answer his call. I wanted to tell him I was coming home—but I couldn’t because I wasn’t.
I couldn’t face him and if he knew where I was, he’d find me. If I looked into his baby blues, I would change my mind. He deserved someone much better than me. He deserved to be happy and if I wasn’t happy anymore, how could I make him happy?
Maybe Avery and I were only meant to be together so Brooke and Easton could find each other. If it weren’t for me, Easton would have never known about Brooke’s tumor since Brooke had left him without a way to stay in contact. Easton wouldn’t have been able to reach out to her after the cruise. Maybe Avery and I were only meant to be temporary acquaintances? Brooke’s on her way to becoming healthy again, so maybe our chess pieces aren’t needed anyone.
I stared up at a few branches of our tree as I sat under it. The pink flowers had all fallen off as fall set in, leaving the tree bare—just like I was feeling. When our baby died, a piece of me had died too. I wasn’t the same person and part of me felt like I could never be happy again.
As I sat there, tears rolling down my face, Brooke’s name appeared on my phone and I knew she knew. I couldn’t talk to her either. She’d tell me to go back to Avery and that everything would be okay. But I’d failed Avery and I couldn’t go back.
I stood, ran my finger along the engraved heart with our initials, then walked back to my car and headed for Boston like my original plan.
Time would heal all wounds.
As I drove to my parents’, I kept my cell phone in my purse. I didn’t want to know how many times Avery or Brooke called, how many times they’d texted, or how many times they wanted to tell me to turn around.
I didn’t tell my parents that I was coming. I knew they’d take me in no matter what. When I arrived at their house, I stayed in my car and sat in front of their house. I decided that I should tell Avery and Brooke that I was okay. It was only right.
Pulling out my cell phone, I cried harder, looking at all the missed calls and text messages.
Avery: Baby, please don’t do this. I love you. Come home.
Avery: I know you’re hurting. I’m hurting too. We can get past this.
Avery: Please respond to me. Tell me you’re okay.
Avery: I love you.
Avery: Nic, please!
Avery: Just tell me you’re okay. I love you so much.
Avery: You’re strong enough for me. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever been with. Please. I love you!
Avery: Say something.
Avery: I’m not giving up on us, Nic. You’re the one for me. I love you!
Avery: If you want this to be goodbye, then you need to do it face to face. This is bullshit, Nic. I love you. I. LOVE. YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Avery: I’m never going to give you up, Nic. You’re not alone in this. We both lost a part of ourselves five days ago, but YOU make me stronger. I know we can get past this. The doc said it was common. Just come home, Baby. I love you!
Avery: I can’t do this anymore. The silence is killing me. If you want to walk out of our lives, fine. Just know that no one, and I mean NO ONE will ever love you as much as I love you. You’re the one, Nic. My one. My fighter. My Laila. I love you!
Avery: Just tell me you’re okay and I’ll leave you alone since that’s obviously what you want.
Avery: Dammit, Nic! No one has heard from you. Please just tell me you’re okay!
Avery: I’m sorry.
Avery: I love you!
Avery: If you don’t want to talk to me, at least tell Brooke you’re okay. She’s worried about you too.
* * *
The last text from Avery came only three minutes prior. I sent a text to Brooke that I was okay then one to Avery while tears continued to roll down both cheeks.
Me: I’m at my parents’. I’m sorry. I just need time. Seeing you hurting, was hurting me more. You deserve someone better. Someone who won’t run. Someone who won’t lose your baby.
Before I could throw my phone back into my purse so I could go inside the house, Avery texted back.
Avery: Bullshit!
Avery: I deserve YOU, Nic!
Avery: I love you!
Avery: I’ll give you time, but know that I’m hurting more since you left. You have my heart, Nic. Believe it or not. You’re the one I want to be with. We can get past this. I love you and will only ever love YOU!
I sat there, staring at the phone, contemplating if I should text him back. I could barely see the screen from my tear-filled eyes as I cried at his words. Was I doing the right thing?
I decided to send him one final text.
Me: I just need time.
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I did. But if I told him, I knew he’d fight harder for me and I just needed time. Time to be alone. Time to think. Time to heal. I didn’t know how long it would take, if at all, but I was risking a lot because if I took too much time, Avery might find someone stronger.
My life felt like it was spiraling out of control. I’d made the decision to go on a cruise less than a year ago. I was expecting it to change my life, I just didn’t know how much.
When I walked into my parents’ house and my mom saw me, she ran, engulfing me in a hug, a hug I didn’t realize I needed, and then we both cried on the living room floor. No one can take the pain away from you. You have to do it yourself and sometimes it takes time. But it felt like time would never heal the hurt I was feeling deep in my broken heart.
“Time heals all wounds,” my mom whispered as I cried in her arms.
What was time? A day? A week? A month? A year?
As we cried together on the living room floor, my father walked in and sat in his favorite reclining chair, not saying anything. After a few minutes, I stood and crawled into his lap. There were no words to be said; only comfort. And then he said the words that everyone kept saying, “Everything’s going to be okay.”
How could they know that?
How could anyone know? The pain I was feeling w
as unbearable and I didn’t know if I’d ever feel like I was worthy of anyone’s love again.
Day Two Without Nicole
* * *
My alarm blared in my ears, wanting to wake me up so that I could meet Easton at the gym before we needed to get to Halo. But I was already awake. It seemed that no matter what, the moment sleep came, I dreamed of her. Dreamed of her cornflower blue eyes. Dreamed of her blonde hair spread across my pillow. Dreamed of her smile. Dreamed of her laugh. Dreamed of her—period.
She was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and it stung. It hurt. It burned. It felt like someone was trying to rip my heart from my chest and feed it to the wolves. No matter what I did, I couldn’t escape the hurt—couldn’t escape her memory.
I hadn’t heard from her in two days and while I tried not thinking of her, it was impossible. Everything reminded me of her: my bed, my couch, my kitchen table, my truck, Halo, every song on the radio and every blonde girl that I saw.
Nicole was lucky. She’d left, so she wasn’t surrounded by everything she touched. I wasn’t the lucky one. Everything smelled like her and when I went to eat, I steered clear of cheese. Cheese made me think of her. Cheese wasn’t a bad thing like we’d thought. Cheese was a good thing. But cheese was now bad because cheese made me think of her and what we’d lost.
I wanted to respect her and give her the time she needed, but I wanted her to know that I still loved her.
Me: I love you!
I didn’t expect a return text, but I planned on sending it when I woke in the mornings and when I went to sleep for as many days as it took until I had her back. When I’d texted her that I wasn’t going to give up on us, I’d meant it. And if one day past when she didn’t hear from me, I couldn’t chance that she’d think I moved on.
I wanted to go back to a week ago and take away her pain. Maybe the way we found out that we lost our baby was her undoing. Maybe if the fetal demise as the doctor called it, would have been one that she bled from the loss and wasn’t walking around for three weeks thinking she was pregnant, it would have been easier.
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